No Matter What Your Belief, Christmas Time is a Time for Everyone to Share Good Times with Family and Friends!

Wednesday 30th December 2013

Week 1 After Stopping Chemo. 

Following my stay in hospital and the stopping of Chemotherapy, I spent the rest of the week trying to make sense of what has occurred. I had developed Neutropenia, which I am sure you will recall from my previous blog, where I spent time venting my spleen in frustration. Just to refresh your memories, Neutropenia is a severe lack of white blood cells and lack of immune system. The result of this was that I was kept in isolation and given copious amounts of antibiotics, fluids and other meds to help to create an immune system and to build up the white cells again in order to make me stronger and less lethargic. I was in hospital from the Friday to the following Tuesday. It was on the Tuesday that I was told that I would no longer be getting chemo as it was basically doing me more harm than good. I was also informed that the surgery would be brought forward. The date would be decided following a meeting with Mr. Geraghty, my surgeon and Eileen, the nurse who is patiently and very kindly, looking after me during this worrying and sometimes stressful time, and myself.  The appointment for Mr Geraghty was for the following Monday - the 21st December.  I would be travelling home to Wales the following Wednesday the 23rd December.  In the meantime, I had to make use of the little time I had left to get ready for Christmas. I was still very weak and walking any distance had me struggling to breath, with my arms and legs feeling like lead weights. However, I had to get my act together. I had never ever been so unprepared for Christmas and it was a stress that only I was putting on myself as I do not like being so ill prepared for anything. 

Tuesday afternoon, Gerry and the boys came to the hospital to visit me. As they walked in I said, "OK lads, don't get comfortable, I am coming home with you now." We were all delighted and I had my bags packed and ready to go. I just had to wait for a prescription for a weeks supply of antibiotics, just to top up what they had given me in hospital. Once the cannula had the port 'attachment' had been removed I was free to go. It was lovely going home with my men and for a short time, leaving the hospital behind.  

Whilst in hospital I had ordered my Mum's Christmas present on line. A beautiful silver family locket. All I had to do now was hope that it arrived before we left for Wales. Over the next five days, I spent the time Christmas shopping with my boys and Gerry. What a contrary lot to buy for... I thought it would get easier as they get older. How wrong was I.  With stocking fillers ranging from deodorants, socks and undies to selection boxes and money, and presents ranging from a range of clothing to speakers, games and more money, I went from Bridgewater in Arklow to Carrickmines, Dundrum and Dublin City Centre. If this rushing round getting gifts didn't wipe me out, then absolutely nothing in this world would.  By Sunday I was fit to drop. All shopping was left taking up all the space in my dining room. Everyone was under threats of painful deaths should they move or touch anything. Wrapping would have to wait for now. Even lifting my little finger was exhausting.  Monday was going to be a non-starter as far as wrapping and packing for my trip was concerned as the whole day was to be spent back at hospital, my second home these days. 

Monday arrived very quickly indeed.  At 11:00 I was in having my bloods taken, from there I went up to see the anaesthetist and had my pre op assessment.  The Nurse took my height and my weight, she went through so many questions and was only short of asking me what colour underwear I was currently wearing.  The anaesthetist came in and went through many of the same questions. He also explained how I would be having a full general anaesthetic and would be on a morphine pump following surgery.  He went on to explain all about pain management. I then asked if I was to expect to be in a lot of discomfort following the surgery. I was told that I would be in acute pain to chronic pain and that this cold go on for some time, most of it depending on how I reacted to the operation and how my own body responded and healed following surgery. Well at least he was honest and did not wrap it up in any shape or form. Following my meeting with the anaesthetist, I then went for lunch, as I had an hour before my meeting with Mr Gerghaty. I lined up in the coffee shop and ordered a roll, a muffin and a hot chocolate. I carried them to my seat and found that I was shaking quite a lot. Something that I don't usually do. I put it down to being hungry.  I ate my food and yet I still felt shaky and quite unnerved.  I had thought of nothing but how I was going to manage with the pain following my op.  I have had both my hips replaced over the years. I am hoping that I will heal just as quickly after the mastectomy as I did with my hip replacements. Focusing on the pain will not help me so diverting my train of thought is going to be a necessity or I will be running for the hills on the day of my operation. At 1:45 I headed up to the 'cancer room' (I have given this room that name as it is where I was given my diagnosis three months ago). Mr Gerghaty was perfectly on time. I went and sat at the table and we got down to discussing how my treatment was going to continue now the chemotherapy was at an abrupt end. It went without say that the surgery was being brought forward. The first available date was Tuesday the 5th January 2016. Well I suppose the sooner it is carried out the sooner it is all over. I said yes to that date. I was given the option to go and think about it and that the following week of the 12th would also be an option. "No thank you, the 5th is grand thanks!" was my reply to that. Mr Geraghty then informed me that following a meeting with his colleagues, he was bound to have to inform me that there were other options to my surgery, having the left done first and coming back to have the right a month or so down the line.... "Sod that for a game of marbles... why would I want to put myself through this ordeal twice?"  It was explained about the fact that it is major surgery, that I would be in pain etc. also reconstruction, would I not be better off having reconstruction rather than nothing at all...???? Why? If I ever have a proverbial 'bang on the head' I could go off for cosmetic surgery but no thank you... I'm quite happy to have the mastectomy and leave it at that. Reconstruction is an ordeal in itself and I am putting myself through as few ordeals as is necessary.

"Well Elaine, you are one very determined lady, will you at least think about having the op in two parts?" 

"Of course I will Mr Geraghty" :)

"Oh that is good" 

At this point Mr Geraghty stood to leave...

"Mr Geraghty, I have thought about it!"

He looked at me with a mildly stunned/amused look on his face and returned to his seat...

"I will not have the op in two parts, I will have just one operation as I never want to go through this again!"

In all fairness, he laughed threw his hands up in the air and said that, that was fine he smiled and we signed off on the op, a bilateral mastectomy with all left lymph nodes to be removed and the port above the right breast removed. All this to happen on the 5th Jan 2016. I was asked if I had anymore questions. Of course I did ;)
Firstly I asked if Mr Geraghty was confident and happy to carry out the full operation and why did he feel it necessary to ask me to change my mind?
Mr Geraghty is more than happy to carry out the full op and that it was merely due to 'formality' that he had to go through any other options available to me.
Secondly, Would it please be possible to leave me as neat and flat as possible, as I had seen images and one 'live' person post mastectomy and the lumps both above and below the scaring not only made the person look like her chest was smiling at me, but made her look like she had been put together with play-doh.  Now that is something I really do not want.  I was assured that because it was a total mastectomy, I would not have any lumps at all but everything would be taken to the muscle and I would be left neat and 'flat'. Well now I can look forward to the full recovery and have a large canvass for my tattoo artist to fill in a year or so time. Lots of time to save for a true masterpiece.
Mr  Geraghty commended me on my attitude from the start of our first meeting up to now. I guess it is a good job he cant see inside my head and my heart.
I left the hospital feeling a range of emotions achievement, confidence, sadness and a bit of fear. In fact, I'm not really sure which was the dominant feeling that day.

Getting Ready for Christmas

Tuesday arrived, considering I'm supposed to be taking things easy, I had a mammoth couple of jobs to get on with today. Gerry was heading out with Joe to put a wreath on his father's grave and to visit his mother before Christmas.  He was also going to do other 'bits and pieces' around the town. Jimmy and I, in the meantime started to wrap all the presents. That took a couple of hours to do. I then had to  go to the bank pay the mortgage, change Euros to Pounds Sterling, nip to the credit union, go and buy cat food for Sylvester as he would be being cared for by our neighbours. Bronco would be coming with us to Wales as my Sister and Brother-in-Law are fostering him until I am 100% better and can walk him and go swimming in the sea with him once again.  I then returned home to start packing. Everybody had prepared all their clothes for the trip. Joe and Jim packed their clothes and I packed mine and Gerry's.  Jim was also preparing for a party he was going to this evening.  Gerry was staying up as he was picking Jim up at 11:00 pm. By 9:00pm I was fit to drop. I set the alarm as we would be leaving the house by 5:30 am the next morning. My head hit the pillow and I was out like a light.

The alarm went off as planned. I had set it a bit earlier as I wanted to get the car packed with as little fuss as possible. I washed, brushed my teeth, dressed and headed down stairs. Gerry did likewise. He headed to the kitchen and prepared tea and toast for all who wanted it. I, in the meantime, packed the car. There was quite a concern as to how we were going to get everything and everyone  in the car. There were three cases (well two cases and a large sports bag), laptop bags x 2 and presents to beat the band. Thankfully, I am an excellent 'Tetris' player and the car was packed without a problem, leaving room for Bronco,  Gerry and the Boys.  This was done in very quick time. Joe had woken, completed his ablutions, dressed and joined Gerry in the kitchen, while Jimmy was still out for the count upstairs. Having woken him three times, I was now getting rather fed up. That is the last time anyone parties before travelling the next day. In the end, it was a case of screaming up the stairs and threatening to leave him behind that made him leap out of bed, dress in a hurry and dash downstairs. We set off bang on time. The journey to the port was event free and before we knew it we were on board and ready to head home to Wales to spend Christmas with my family. The first time we would all be together for the festive season in 16 years. I could not wait.  The sailing was a little choppy but this made for an interesting crossing. Naturally, Rip Van Winkle slept the entire crossing.

We docked just on lunchtime. We returned to the car and prepared to disembark. I was so excited to be heading home. The road was fairly clear and the journey took us just over an hour. I pulled up outside Mum and Dad's house. I saw a young woman bounding down the steps to come and greet us. It was Amy, my daughter. For a split second I did not recognise her as she had not straightened her hair and instead sported beautiful long wavy hair. Naturally not liked by Amy, but I thought she looked beautiful. I had the most amazing hug from Amy. We clambered into the house to be greeted with big hugs from my Parents, Sister, Brother-in-law, niece and nephew . It was great to see everyone. Bronco was in his element as he was being made such a fuss of.  A short while later we unpacked the car and put all gifts under the tree. Bags were taken up to the bedrooms and we all settled into my family home. This was going to be our home for the next two weeks. Two weeks I prayed would not fly by. I took Bronco in the car up to my Sister and Brother-in-Laws house a little later on. He was made so welcome and seemed to settle as though he had been living there all his life. This was excellent to see for Bronco, but quite sad for myself. I am going to miss him a lot as he is my daily companion.

Christmas Eve, we all prepared different parts for the Family meal the next day. There were to be 15 around our table this year. Diane and Richard Prepared carrots, parsnips and Richard made the stuffing balls and pigs in blankets, Roy and Fran prepared the sprouts and broccoli, Mum had the ham and Turkey cooking and we both prepared the potatoes, four bags of potatoes. Peeling them was a nightmare. I have now vowed that the only spuds eaten in my house in future will still have their skins on. My hands and fingers felt like they were going to drop off from all that peeling and cutting. Joe and Jim set the Christmas table under Mum's directions, no mean feat trying to set a table for 15, however they did a great job of it.  Dad and Gerry went for a couple of pints and we settled down that evening to chat and watch Christmas T.V.

Yeeeeehaaaaaa...... Christmas morning arrived.  We were all downstairs by 8:00 am. Presents were opened up and everybody was happy with their gifts. We laughed and chatted. It was toast all round as a big breakfast was out of the question with the banquet that would be eaten later on in the day. I had decided that today I would be wearing my red dress. I washed and dressed. I left the house at 10:00 am to go to Mass. I was heading down on my own. I entered the Church, St. Joseph's in Colwyn Bay. I had to push myself as I was currently having issues with my God.  Issues of doubt, anger, disillusionment and frustration. In fact, he has been receiving the brunt of my hurt and sheer anger over the last number of weeks. Yet here I was, celebrating Christmas, his birthday, the least I could do was head on down to see if I could find and recover some of my faith.  After mass I went up and lit candles, candles for the sick, the lonely, mine and Gerry's families and for my friends and their families.  I left the church feeling a lot 'lighter' in myself. Feeling less angry and feeling that little light in my heart. Hopefully, over the next while that will increase, and one day I will find, restore and feel the love and faith I once had for the God I always  used to pray to.

Mum using Jimmy's headset
to play 'pilots'

By around 12 (ish) the whole family arrived down. More presents were swapped and the 'Christmas Magic' of seeing my two nieces open up their gifts and believing in Santa was brilliant. Richard went straight to the kitchen where he helped Mum to finish off preparing the feast. Personally I stayed out of the way as my philosophy is that of the proverb 'too many cooks spoil the broth', well that is my excuse anyway. Before long the dinner was served and we all took our places around the table. Mum had even prepared place names so that there could not be any arguing among the youngsters as to where they were sitting. It was all organised with military precision and the food was superb. Having us all together for Christmas Day was just fantastic. After lunch we all helped to tidy up and then gathered back around the table for fun and games. Pictionary was taken out and the laughter we had over that was fantastic. This was followed by a mad round of 'Don't show Keith your Teeth'.  Now personally I had never heard of this before. It is a game created by Keith Lemon. Fran and Roy explained how it was played. Well Holy God! all I can advise anyone wishing to play this game is to firstly build up you facial muscles, both to withstand the face pulling needed to play the game and the muscles needed to cope with the hysterical laughter that ensues. Secondly have all your teeth removed, you will find that you will win hands down if you do this. Thankfully I chose not to take photographs during this frivolity, I think posting any would have me seriously lambasted. The evening drew to and end and my Sister, Brother and their families made their way home. We would all be meeting up again at Diane and Richard's tomorrow, St. Stephen's Day. Another day of  food, fun and laughter to look forward to.


By Sunday I was starting to 'wilt' slightly. All the excitement of the past two days was catching up with me. This afternoon I had my Uncle Bill, Auntie Julie and cousin Susanne coming up to see me. Dad, Gerry, Roy and Richard were meeting up in the Marine for some male bonding time. Diane and I were heading to Llandudno as we had to take a phone back due to the fact it was not working properly. I got into Diane's car and we went merrily on our way, we had driven a mile or so when a voice in the back spoke to me, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Katie, my niece was sitting behind me. I hadn't realised that she was in the car when I got in. She was also wearing the MAC lipstick that I had bought her for Christmas. We picked up her boyfriend Sam and continued our journey to Llandudno.  The shop changed the phone immediately without a quibble. We returned home and My Uncle, Aunt and Cousin arrived at half past two. It was lovely to see them all.  It has been quite a while since we last saw each other. My Uncle Bill gave me such a lovely hug and then told me that he had a piece of Wales for me to take back to Ireland with me. Uncle Bill is great with wood. He had made me a beautiful trinket box, the lid was made from a tree that had been cut down at the end of his road, and the bowl was made from a tree that had been cut down in the woods at Grwych Castle.  It is so beautiful and will take pride of place on my mantle piece at home. Uncle Bill, Aunty Julie and Susanne left at three o'clock, by four o'clock, I headed up to my bed where I instantly fell asleep for a couple of hours for a much needed rest. By half past six that evening I was gently woken up and went downstairs. Dad and Gerry were still in the Marine, Amy was getting ready for a night out with her friends and Mum and I relaxed and chatted. At quarter past seven, Mum and Amy headed off to pick up Dad and Gerry. The doorbell rang,  my  boys answered the door, there were the two men, Dad and Gerry,  with Dad singing carols on the top of his voice as he came in through the front door. It was great to see that he had had such a good time.  We then found out that Dad and Gerry were the 'last men standing' with Richard having gone home to go to a party and Roy having gone home with Ifor as guests had called to his home.  I am not sure, but it is uncertain as to whether  Cor Meibion will be signing Dad up for next years carol service... lol ...

Amy, Diane, Katie, Jim and Ella

Monday arrived and it is as though all the energy and life had been totally sucked out of me.  I was so tired all day that simply moving was exhausting. I spend the day doing absolutely nothing. At three, I actually had to go back to bed where I slept for nearly three hours. Gerry woke me up so that I would be able to sleep through the night. I came downstairs and sat with my family for a while, before heading back to bed. The whole effort of just breathing seemed like too big a task. Where in the name of God was all this exhaustion coming from. I just hoped that tomorrow would be much better and that I would be fully rested and back to my 'normal' self.  My secret worry was that this was a relapse of last week. I so hoped not.

Tuesday was totally different.  I now know it was just pure exhaustion from the busy time we had had over Christmas and St. Stephen's Day. The fun, the laughter and the sheer joy and excitement of being back home with my family had worn me out. Today I felt energised and ready to face the day. I came downstairs and hugged my Mum who was  more than a little upset worrying about me and the level of tiredness the day before.  Mum too was worried that this was a relapse of Neutropenia. Her worry was that she would not be able to look after me if I became ill. Dad was there with Mum and also concerned.  This blasted cancer, the ripple effect of it is devastating. There is nothing worse than seeing the hurt and pain that others, especially your parents, siblings, husband and children go through because of the effects this terrible illness has on you. Their fears are palpable. I hugged Mum, really held her close and told her that I was going to be alright, that after the surgery I should really be cancer free, all going well. But there is always that fear, that uncertainty at the back of your mind and the minds of others. But as you do, you put on a brave face, assure each other that all will be OK, because in all honesty there is nothing much else that you can do.

Gerry and I took the boys and headed off to Conwy for the morning, we strolled through the town and I admired the beauty of it all. We stood outside the smallest house and marvelled at the medieval quay and the castle walls. We popped into the small shops and bought books and 'nik naks' to take home with us. We then headed to Llandudno where we stopped for lunch in the Albert and went to HMV. Box sets were bough along with CD's. We headed back to the car and made our way home. The evening was spent relaxing and chatting. After all the fresh air, I went up to bed earlier than usual and had a good night sleep. Wednesday was a cinema day with Mum, Dad, Andrew, Gerry, Amy, Joe, Jim and myself going to see Heart of the Sea. A film I want to get when it is out on DVD. I strongly recommend it.

Today it is New Years Eve. We have been out shopping and have stocked up on beverages for tonight. I have had a lovely afternoon nap so that I have the energy to stay up for the celebrations, Amy came into my room and snuggled up with me. It was lovely as my beautiful daughter and I don't often get to have a cuddle, we had some us time where we shared our concerns and worries, but also had some laughter too.  We will all be heading to my Brother's house where we will be seeing in the New Year. Andrew has planned a large firework display for us to see in the New Year (God help the neighbours). All I wish for now, is that 2016 is a much better  year for many of us who have found 2015 an utter challenge with a lot of heartbreak, ill health and financial worry. I wish peace and harmony, love and joy, health and wealth for all my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and to all of  you who are following my blog. I especially wish all this to Suzanne Deegan and her family who tragically lost their Mother Maura to Cancer earlier this year, and to Deirdre Keating and her family who lost her Father. In five days I face extensive surgery, I pray that I have the strength to cope both mentally and physically with what lies ahead, I pray that this next year finds me cancer free,  I pray that I am brave enough to face all outcomes after all what will be will be!

Celebrate safely my friends and Have a Happy New Year.

A few photos from out Christmas Day.

Andrew and I 

My beautiful blanket hand made
by my amazing sister Diane.

Relaxing after the fun and laughter

More relaxing 

Yummy 

Gerry and two of my nieces

My Sister  Diane And I 

Merry Christmas