The 'L' in my Luck, has been replaced with an 'F'!

Chemo 3 week 2

After the third chemo, followed by a wonderful trip to Budapest, then a week just generally relaxing after my travels I was happy to be home, but feeling rather weak and lethargic. Something I had put down to mere tiredness.  This week I had also been feeling very low indeed.  Personally, I am wondering if it is just truly hitting me that I actually have cancer, Yes.... me.... I have cancer.  It affects so many people on a daily basis, but right now, this cancer is affecting me. I have been feeling very tearful. On Tuesday the weather was awful, Gerry drove the boys to school and I went with him. From school, we went to a little cafe for a tea and a hot chocolate. We sat at the table and discussed Christmas. Gerry asked me a question, I can't recall what it was right now, but as I went to answer him, a quiet sob escaped and tears flowed down my cheeks. Thankfully the cafe was empty and we were alone, because all at once I had a dreadful feeling of  utter loneliness and  fear. My heart actually felt like it was about to break apart.  It was a good thing we were out, because had we been at home, I would have just broken down completely. For the first time I wanted to shout, cry, scream and kick the stuffing out of something, maybe even someone (only I'd go to jail for that). Gerry looked at me,

"Oh Elaine, What is wrong, what has happened?"

"I am so frightened, I don't want to die, I don't want to leave you, our children, my family, Gerry, I am so terribly scared!"

Gerry held my two hands across the table, his eyes filled with tears and as he squeezed my hands and  struggled to say 

"Oh Honey, You are going to be alright, you are not going to die. We, us two together and all your family and friends are fighting this with you. You are going to be OK!"

I felt all 'snuffly' and in all honesty quite stupid. I had not envisaged that happening. Yes I have been low and my thoughts have been getting somewhat darker, but to just cry like that - well it bothered me. We gathered ourselves together, finished off our drink and returned to the car. We drove home, Gerry holding my hand the whole way. This moment, these feelings had hit me like a hammer. Yes I have talked about positive thought, yes I have vowed and still do vow to beat this, yet this dreadfully bleak feeling slammed me to the floor emotionally.  I felt drained beyond belief and so very tired. 

I settled onto the sofa, Gerry did things around the house. I slept. At two thirty, Gerry said that he was going to go and fetch the boys. I remained dozing on the sofa. I was just so tired. 

The rest of the week passed with my emotions swinging from euphoric one minute to feeling as low as a snakes belly the next. A second bout of 'depression' for want of a better word, overcame me again on the Wednesday evening and I just wanted to be with my Mum and Dad. I rang home and just cried on the phone. I didn't really know why I was crying or what was wrong, I just knew that right now, I was worried that I was beginning to 'crack up'. I needed to pull myself together. 

After having had reactions to the white blood cell stimulating meds following chemo one and two, this time it was decided to try me without the meds. Perhaps it was a case that my white cells are strong and don't need the boost. In doing this, I had to have a 10 day check on my bloods. 

Friday morning I set off to take the boys to school. I don't really know how to describe how I felt, I was 'muzzy' headed, I felt like I had lead boots on my feet and even raising my arms to hold the steering wheel felt like I was weight lifting. Dear lord, I was feeling unbelievably drained. Never the less, I drove the boys to school. They would be finishing at half 12 today so a quick trip to the hospital for the blood tests and I would come back to the school and wait for my two lads.  I noticed that I had to concentrate more on the road, focusing even seemed difficult. I thought to myself 'I don't think that I should actually be driving today!' We arrived safely at Kilcoole and the boys hopped out and went into the building. I pulled out of the school grounds and started to make my way through the village of Kilcoole. I managed to get as far as the Topaz filling station, before I started to become extremely light headed. I decided to pull in. I managed to get myself together and decided to turn around, there was no way I was going to be able to drive all the way to St Vincents hospital in this condition. I returned to the school and parked in the car park.  One of my son's teachers, came and sat in the car  to keep me company whilst I contacted a good friend of mine who picked me up and brought me to the hospital to have my bloods done.  Blood taken, a quick snack and fluids and I was back in Kilcoole before I knew it.  I felt quite a lot better and 'awake' at this stage so felt that driving home would not be a problem. 

We called into Wicklow Town, as Jim was working with his dad this afternoon. First 'port of call' though was to 'Jailers Rest' where I was treating the boys to a lunch. We entered the very busy cafe/restaurant. Joe ordered the soup, Jim a panini and I ordered the wrap. Both the wrap and panini came with side salad and chips, far more than my digestive system can handle at the moment. Joe enjoyed his soup and Jim ploughed through his panini and sides. I ate half of my wrap. I looked at Joe and Jim, OK guys you can share out what I have here, I just cant manage it. Not only could I not eat it, but chemo really does affect your taste buds. Everything from a sip of water to the most wonderful meal you can imagine tastes like shite. It is as though it is just a texture coated in oil with a very 'metallic' after taste. In a word PUTRID! Jimmy had enough with his lunch, so Joe finished off mine for me. I had a hot chocolate that I was sipping on, the boys opted for water.... I'm drinking that much water these days, I am a 'hair's breadth' away from morphing into a puddle. I asked the boys if they wanted desert. Joe preferred a hot chocolate, however he was also eyeing up the 'Death By Chocolate' too. Jim was without a doubt going for the 'Death by Chocolate', So I ordered two portions plus the hot chocolate. Why not? It is not as though it is an everyday occurrence. They boys loved it. We finished up and paid for our meal. It was time to get Jimmy over to Gerry. We returned to the car and I called up Gerry. 

"You wait there hon, I will come over to the car park and pick him up"

That was good, it saved me from having to drive around Wicklow Town looking for him.  As we sat and waited, I could feel that awful feeling of weakness coming over me again. I wound down the window for air and just tried to relax. Gerry arrived, took Jimmy and Joe and I took the slower coast road home. It seemed like a long journey. I could not wait to get home and relax. What the heck was happening to me? 

We pulled onto our driveway. Joe took the bags and I opened the front door. The second my foot entered the doorway, my phone rang. I answered it. It was Niamh, the nurse from the oncology department. 

"Hi Elaine, Naimh here. I am ringing you with your blood results. Elaine you are Neutropenic, your white cells and immune system are 0.1.  I am sorry to have to tell you but you are going to have to come back to the hospital. How are you feeling right now?"

I explained the lethargy, the weakness and the low feelings. It was explained to me how the chemotherapy had attacked the white cells and how I was now in danger of something as simple as the common cold causing my terrible complications. Back to the hospital it was. I was too late to be admitted onto St Anne's Ward and had to present myself to A&E. After about an hour and a half, sitting among people who were coughing, spluttering and damned near choking to death on phlegm (yes I was nearly throwing up at the sounds and in fear I was going to now be put at risk by one lurgy or another) I was taken into triage and straight into Resus. The reason I was put into resus, was that I was now presenting with an elevated temperature, an infection, elevated heart rate and Neutropenic - all this without even talking about the cancer. Once all tests were done, bloods taken, lots of antibiotics given via drip. I was moved to an isolation room on A&E. I was told that this is where I would remain until a bed became available in the main body of the hospital, preferably in the Oncology department. However It is not just the bed, It is a bed in a single room, because until all white cell counts are up and my immune system restored I will be kept in isolation.  

Gerry brought the boys to visit me yesterday (Saturday) Well, Holy God and all his angels and saints help us... The bed I have isn't the best. The backrest is quite awkward and your either bolt upright or at a 45 degree angle. Which, when all your joints including your head and neck feel like ton weights being at a 45 degree angle without pillows to prop up your head makes it hard to relax. My back was aching so I asked Gerry and the Boys to lower the back of the bed. Oh Yes, I am sure you can all imagine, after all some hospital beds require a degree in mechanics to operate. At this request Gerry immediately hopped up and bounded to the furthest corner away from me

"No bloody way am I touching that bed, knowing my luck I'll catapult you out through the wall!" 

He stood like a chastised child in the corner with his hands pinned behind his back, in case they took on a life form of their own and decided to help...  Joe did likewise. 

"Don't worry Mam, I will help you!" said Jim

Of course, between the four of us, it did not occur to us to simply ring the bell and ask for a nurse. Ah no... that would make things far to easy. Jimmy looked at the bed... 

"Well there are a couple of peddles here, do you think I should press them?"

Son, just go ahead and try them all, what can possibly go wrong? Jimmy started to press one peddle... well the bed gentle started to rise, it continued to rise nearly another two feet to its original height, I told Jim that it was OK to take his foot off the peddle now. That I really did not want the bed to be too high.  Gerry looked quite panicked,

"Oh God, the nurse is going to come back in and think she has shrunk a few foot... "

This did little to help matters as we were now all giggling like naughty children. It was time for Pedal number two.  There was an unholy clatter as the bed dropped like a stone and felt like it had crashed into the floor. I have never had such a fright or seen Gerry, Joe and Jim jump and scream in fright, in the manner in which they did which was very swiftly followed by absolute hysterical laughter. I was helpless. In fact I can honestly say that I nearly wet myself. A nurse popped her head in and quickly popped back out shutting the door. Still the back of the bed had not lowered. At this point, none of us could actually speak. Every time we went to say something we would start this laughter all over again. It was unbelievable. In fact, I am quite sure that patients on trolleys outside my room must have been thinking 'what the hell are they giving that one a room for, there is feck all wrong with her....!!!' 

Did we give up... NO, Jimmy was at this point doubled over with hysterics and in all honesty worried about touching any other lever so  Gerry decided to be brave, found another lever, the back dropped ever so fast and as my pillow was at my lower back I went swiftly from sitting upright to nearly doing the crab walk, more hysterics ensued. This was just what I needed. My mad lot around me making me laugh tears of joy like only they can. 

It is Sunday today. I am typing this blog from my hospital bed. Gerry and my boys are due to arrive shortly, Yes, it does feel like my 'L' in Luck has changed to an 'F'. But just like my Guys didn't give up on fixing the bed, I'm not going to give up on battling and beating this cancer. I know I am going to have low times and awful thoughts, I just have to stop them from taking over. I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. I am, I'm resting. Building up my energy for my trip home.  Ah my guys have just arrived.