Once You Replace Negative Thoughts With Positive Ones, You'll Start Having Positive Results - Willie Nelson

Chemo 3: Week 2 and 3

I remained in hospital for a total of 4 days and went home on the evening of the 5th day. I had only been given a decent room the morning of the day I left. Prior to that I was in an isolation room in A&E. I could not fault the care of the nurses either in A&E or up on St Helen's ward. I had more bloods taken from me than you would find in a blood bank. The most unpleasant being that taken from my port. Having that port pierced each time is quite uncomfortable and the fact that my port is placed at a slight angle makes it difficult for the nurses to access and they often need to try a second or third time. Although unpleasant it is not totally unbearable, however the poor nurses get more distressed over it than I do, feeling the need to constantly apologise then giving up and seeking out a colleague to have a go instead. The sooner this bloody port is removed the better. It has been a source of discomfort since it was inserted. 

I had made myself comfortable in my new room,  and was just watching the launch of a space rocket from one of the desserts, when in walked Dr Gullo, Prof. Crown and three other doctors. I turned off the television and shook hands with my 'guests'.  It was explained to me by Dr. Gullo that basically the chemotherapy was attacking me just as much, if not more than the cancer itself.  That it had killed all my white cells and rendered me without an immune system. He explained that this was a potentially life threatening occurrence. He went on to state that on the Friday that I was admitted, I was a seriously ill woman. 

I was asked how I came to attend the hospital on the Friday. I explained how I had attended in the morning for a routine '10th day' blood test. This had been requested as I was off meds for the regenerating of white cells due to the fact that I had had two previous 'nasty' incidents, as I am sure you will recall from my earlier blogs.  The bloods were taken and the results sent to the Oncology department once they had been tested.  In the mean time, I had left the hospital, picked up my boys from school, taken them out for lunch, dropped Jim to his dad for work and then finally driven home with Joe. I must admit, I felt quite weak and tired, and home I thought I would never get. The second I put the key in the door, stepped into the house, my phone rang. It was the hospital requesting I return due to me being Neutropenic. I returned and was admitted into hospital. 

Dr. Gullo repeated how 'serious' this was. It did come as a huge surprise as I merely felt weak and lethargic, not unwell or ill in any manner. I was asked when my last chemo was and when my fourth was due. I said that it was due on the 23rd. I asked if it was still going to go ahead. Absolutely No Way. It was clear that chemo was not working with me but against me. Although the tumour feels a little 'softer' it does not appear to have shrunken significantly. I would be interested in finding out how the two deeper tumours have managed with the chemo onslaught. Hopefully it has had a much bigger effect on them, they are far too close to my chest bone for my liking.  So, if chemo is not going to continue, what is? Mr Gullo stated that they would be bringing my surgery forward, as soon as possible. I looked at Prof. Crown, 

"and tell me..." I asked, "... will having surgery half way through chemo remove the cancer as effectively and efficiently as it would have been had I had the full course of chemo?"

It was explained that there was no significant proof that having chemo before surgery was more effective than having it after surgery. That although chemo has not agreed with me now, there is a chance I may have three sessions of a 'milder' chemo once surgery is over. I will also be having approximately 5 or 6 weeks of radiotherapy in St. Luke's Hospital in Dublin. I asked a couple of questions about when surgery would be taking place, would I still be able to go home for Christmas?, but the big one was...

"Will I be cancer free after surgery?...

Naturally the last question could not be answered. There are no promises, I was told... Again!  Theoretically I should be, it is a waiting game then, and after five years I should be given the all clear.  It is quite unreal as to just how much that effects  your thoughts, your plans, your whole damned life.  A deadly waiting game.... Will I be clear of cancer?, won't I be clear of cancer?... I would have more precise answers by ripping the petals off a daisy.... 

The team said goodbye and off they went. Another doctor popped her head in and said that she would be writing me out a prescription for more antibiotics and all being well I could go home that evening. All did go well and I left the hospital with Gerry, Joe and Jim at 5pm. 

The following morning Jim and I decided to go and do some very late Christmas shopping. We headed to both Carrigmines and Dundrum. We took our time, sat when I felt 'weak' and went for lunch together. After two shops in Dundrum, I asked Jim if he wanted to look anywhere else. 

"No Mum" he said, "But you are looking tired so we are going to go to the car!"

I am so lucky to have such caring children, he didn't give a thought to the shoes he wanted to look at, or to strolling around going from one shop to another. He cared about Me, His Mum.... Thanks Jimster. We made our way back to the car, climbed in and sat a while before starting the journey home.  We headed off and chatted as we drove. When we arrived in Kilmacanogue I pulled into the petrol station and asked Jimmy to nip into the shop for a bottle of cold water, and for whatever drink he wanted. Off he went. It was while he was in the shop that my mobile phone rang. 

"Hi Elaine, it is Eileen here from the breast clinic, I am phoning you to ask you to come in on Monday at 11:00 for blood tests and an ECG, you will then see the anaesthetist and have your pre-op assessment. At two you will see Mr Gerghaty who will go through the whole operation with you." 

I was asked if I was OK with having the bilateral mastectomy on the one day or if I wanted to consider having part of the job done and going back later for the second half to be done.... Not a hope in Hell... the whole lot gone in one go, I wasn't going to put myself through this again. I was asked how I was feeling... I wanted to say;

"How Am I Feeling?  How am I bloody feeling? How do you think I am feeling? Yippee Paaarrrtttaaayyyyy people.... I'm going to have my breasts removed.... Fan... fkn....tastic... is how I am feeling right now!" 

However I responded in a more professional manner ... 'Yes' to all who know me... a more professional manner (OK you can pick yourselves up off the floor now)...

"Well Eileen, I really don't know how to answer that question, How am I supposed to feel? yes a bit nervous but in reality, I just have to go with the flow, because there is very little I can do about it now, this is all part of the process and I have to accept this.  I will tell you Eileen, that I am concerned about getting lymphodema (sp) with having the lymph nodes removed from my left armpit. Is there any way that only the infected nodes can be removed and then there will still be a 'drainage' system that will stop lymphodema occurring?"

It was at this point that I found out further information, that during my MRI it was not only one or two lymph nodes that highlighted as being cancerous, but quite a number of them. That meant that all the lymph nodes on that side will have to be removed to ensure that the cancer does not travel anywhere else.  Well that was nice to find out!  How good is that? how do I know that this poxy thing hasn't already travelled? Why can they not tell you all this information when you are at the consultations instead of springing it on you like a surprise gift.... "Hey guess what, You could be up shit creek with the lymph node issue.... blah blah blah!" I was told that surgery could go ahead on the 5th January, but if I wanted more time to think it could happen on the 12th. No, the 5th is grand, the sooner now the better. My concern being that now the chemo has stopped this aggressive form of breast cancer might just realise that it is no longer under attack and decided to grow a little bit more. I know I have been told that it shouldn't as I have had 50% of the treatment. However, let us look back over the past couple of months. In reality, everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. If there has been a way for the 'shit to hit the fan', I have found it. 'Murphy's Law' has certainly been alive and well in my life. 

I entitled this blog as follows: Once  you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results. This was a quote by Willie Nelson. 

I have thought positively, I have acted positively, I have been told to continue to be positive! Anyone reading this might want to think twice before asking or telling me to be or to think positively ever again... because quite frankly, that is positively a load of old bollox. 

I have done nothing but be positive, I will not start thinking negatively, I will just merely continue. That is Continue to live my life, continue to be Mum, Wife, Elaine, Lainey. I will continue to have fun, to laugh and to just be me. I will continue to fight this cancer, So please don't think by telling me to be positive will earn  you my friendship, respect or anything else... It will however ignite a spark that might cause something not dissimilar to a nuclear explosion,  and It could result in a lost tooth or two. 

In the meantime Willie Nelson stick your quote up your chocolate wing wang!!!