Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead. (Les Brown)

Seven weeks Post Op. 
Oncologist Appointment:

I woke up this morning to the skies looking grey. Gerry woke up and got ready for work. He brought me up my morning coffee and wished be good luck, I had an needle aspiration to go to at three and then the appointment with my Oncologist, Mr Gullo at twenty to four. Gerry sat down on the edge of the bed and told me that all would be well. 

We went on to laugh and smile about little things that had occurred over the last couple of weeks. One of them being the death of the 'BLUE BOMBER' Gerry's little blue Renault kangoo, aptly named as Gerry does anything but 'bomb' it along, in fact when heading to work at the same time, I look in my rear view mirror and swear that he is driving in reverse!  The day after having a brand new water pump fitted at a cost of over two hundred euro the van decided it was time to go to car heaven. Great... Now to search for a new van.  Gerry being a creature of habit, wanted to stay with the Renault kangoo. We searched high and low for a second hand vehicle in our price range to no avail. After a week I found one in a garage in Tallaght. This time a much younger green Renault kangoo van. In fact it is ex-post office. Keeping the same theme and being jokingly derogatory about Gerry's driving we named it the "GREEN BULLET' ... other names that were thrown into the hat by myself and Joe and Jim were:

• The Flying Snot 
• The Green Snot
• The Slow Snot
• The Green Goblin

I'm sensing a new theme here, but no, we decided to keep in with the theme of speed and colour... Poor Gerry, he does have a lot to contend with.... ha ha ha ha....

Anyway, I digress... Gerry got up said bye as he headed down stairs and head out to work. I lay back, picked up my phone and trawled through facebook and whatsapp. Then I decided to pull the duvet up high, snuggle down and have a bit of a lie in. I dozed off and in less than an hour I was woken to the sound of the front door opening. Gerry had just pulled up at his first job of the day, only for the heavens to open and the rain spill down. As most of you will know, Gerry is a window cleaner and this weather does not help as when it rains there is no income. Oh well, nothing other to do than get back in the van and head back home. The rain and gloom was unfortunately setting in for the day. 

Gerry came in and said 'Oh well, I can come to the hospital with you now!' I had already prepared my day and planned ahead. Being the independent person I am, I said, well hon, its a case of going for the aspiration, then meeting with Mr Gullo, which will only be a replay of the appointment with Mr Geraghty,  the appointment where I was told I am technically cancer free and where Gerry and I hopped, skipped and jumped out of the place along with Mum, Dad and my Sister Diane. A celebratory lunch was had too. Excellent :) I told Gerry that because the last time we had an appointment in this clinic we were hours waiting. It would be more help if he remained at home and prepared the tea instead. He agreed and we spend the rest of the day doing our bits and bobs, and I worked on line on the CPD (continual professional development) course I am tutoring on for the PDST (professional development services for teachers).  

Gerry pointed out that it was half past one and the hospital is just over an hour away in normal traffic conditions, my appointment was at three. I headed up for a shower, got changed and headed out of the door. The 'Green Bullet' was parked behind my car, so seeing as Gerry wasn't using it, I was having the experience of motoring off in his new van. I was quite excited about driving it. (I know little things please little minds ha ha ha ha) 

I climbed into the van, pulled out of the drive, waved to Gerry and the boys and headed off to the hospital with my Paul Simon CD blaring out of the speakers. Yup this is going to be ok. I was told when discharged from hospital that I may need a small amount of mild chemo just as a preventative  measure, so being prepared I set off along the N11 for my appointments. I was actually looking forward to the aspiration as the skin on my chest was feeling quite tight with the fluid build up. 

I arrived at the hospital and Eileen, my breast care nurse, saw me virtually immediately. She got on with the aspiration and another 200ml was drained from the left side. Aspiration was not needed on the right. I then headed off to see Mr Gullo. 

I sat in the waiting room of St Anne's Day Care Clinic. The last time I was here I had waited nearly three hours to see Mr. Gullo, so I was not in any hurry and sat back and relaxed. I had a bit of a wait but nothing too long, perhaps half an hour if that. The door opened and a tall, grey haired gentleman called "Elaine Murphy"... 'Oh' I thought, that isn't Mr Gullo... that is Professor Crown. Professor Crown is one, if not, the head honcho when it comes to oncology https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Crown, He is also very much a gentleman and like his colleagues, tells you as it is, answers questions honestly and is somebody in who I am placing all my trust. At the end of the day, he can only do his best for me, along with Mr Gullo and Mr Geraghty (Surgical Oncologist). 

I followed Professor Crown to the examination room. He looked at the surgical sites and then told me to take a seat, he then proceeded to explain to me what had been found in the lab in the tissue that they removed during my bilateral mastectomy.  

"You know that you had residual cancer?" 

"Sorry?"

"You saw Mr Geraghty a couple of weeks ago didn't you?"

"Yes, I did, but I was told that I am technically cancer free"

"Well yes, Technically, you are, the tumours were removed, however there was residual cancer in the tissue that was removed"

"What exactly is residual cancer?"

"There was quite a lot of cancer actually, residual cancer being the cells that are too small to be picked up by any scan, there is no scan in existence that can pick up the tiny cells, but they were found in the lab, also you were lymph node positive. You had 14 lymph nodes, five of which were positive. That is far too many for our liking. Mrs Murphy there is no easy way to say this but  you are going to have to go through some strong chemotherapy again. There is a possibility, well it is more of a probability, that you have residual cancer cells going through your body at this time. We want to throw the book at these cells in order to kill them before they can form into tumours anywhere else in your body. The type of cancer has been confirmed to be triple negative, there was one point that one tumour demonstrated that there may be oestrogen receptive but no, unfortunately it has been confirmed that it is triple negative. "

"Yes, I am aware of that. Is my newly grown hair going to fall out again?"

"Yes it is, there is a concern here Mrs. Murphy you had some severe reactions to the first chemotherapy treatments that you had, and that was strong chemotherapy. You are going to be given four sessions of chemotherapy with a two week interval between sessions. You will be having the lonquex for the white cell regeneration. Following the four sessions, you will then have radiotherapy with a milder chemotherapy that will be given at the same time."

"Professor Crown, can you tell me just straight out, what does this mean?"

"This is actually very serious. Right now Elaine, you have a 50% - 60%+ chance of the cancer returning, after the treatment we are proposing, you will have a 20% - 30% chance of it returning within five  years"

"Will I be given any oral medication to take over that five year period?"

"No, unfortunately there is no medication available that can treat triple negative cancer. We rely solely on chemotherapy to blast it away. I want you to have a heart scan too Elaine, one of the treatments can cause heart problems so we need to ensure that your heart is strong enough before we begin the treatment. I also want you to have a baseline bone scan. There is a chance that this treatment could make you quite ill"

"Professor, I want you to give me everything you can to get rid of any residual cells of cancer. I don't care how strong it is, how ill it makes me or how painful, I just want to get rid of this cancer once and for all!"

"Let me go and speak to Mr Gullo, give me two minutes please!"

Whilst Professor Crown was out of the room, I actually laughed, but laughed to my self in a sort of hysterical manner. Not again. This was not unlike having a new diagnosis all over again. I gathered myself together and was composed by the time he returned to the room.

"Ok, I have spoken to Mr Gullo and we are in agreement that this is the route we will go.  I want you to go and see the nurse now who will arrange the dates and times for the treatments ahead, I want the scans carried out soon!"

I left the examination room, both Mr Gullo and Professor Crown smiled at me, shook my hand and wished me well. I was asked to wait in the alcove down the corridor and the nurse would be with me soon. I went off feeling very strange indeed. Not ill strange but as though I had just walked out of a nightmare. I felt numb, lost and numb. I wasn't waiting too long when the nurse came in to me. She was very good and had been part of the team who looked after me before when I had my chemo. She rubbed my arm and asked if I was alright. I tried to speak but could feel that I was on the verge of crying, I shook my head and asked for a tissue. A couple of tears ran down my face and my nose was starting to run. She got me a tissue and asked what part was worrying me the most. I told her that it was the fear of the cancer returning and having to go through the whole process of chemo again. We just chatted lightly about chemo, lonquex and white cells, scans, and then I mentioned the fact that my veins had all collapsed and that the port had had inserted  previously was not a huge success. I explained why it was not a success and asked if a pik like could be inserted instead. I was told that it would not be a problem at all. Plans were made and I eventually set off out of the hospital. I made my way to the 'Green Bullet".  Once inside the car, I started the engine and made my way out of the underground car park. It was pouring with rain outside. My head was filled with all sorts of stuff. So much so that I couldn't actually tell you any one thing I was thinking of. I was feeling very sick, the sort of sick you feel when you are in big trouble, the sort of sick that makes you want to get into bed and not face the world at all. 

I contacted Suzy to let her know how I had got on as I promised I would and once again she was as supportive as ever. Geraldine from work had been trying to call me, so I sent her a text message. Ger then rang me. She listened and was very strong on the other end of the phone. I made the decision to stop off and get a bottle of wine. After all, why not... my taste buds are going to bugger off in the next week or so and will be gone for some time. Once again I will lose the enjoyment of eating and drinking. So I intend to make the most of it now. 

I continued my drive home, the  rain ran down the windscreen at the same time my tears ran down my cheeks. I have yet another battle to look forward to.  This fight against this nasty disease is nowhere near over. 

I know that everyone says I am strong and I will get through this. I need to be positive, it is only 20 - 30 % chance of it coming back and a 70 - 80% of not coming back. I have a good attitude etc... Well all this may be so, but at the end of the day just a 1% chance of it being able to come back is too high.  I may be strong and positive, etc. but inside right now I feel unbelievably low. I don't feel afraid as such, I'm not afraid of the treatment, I am wary but not afraid, I'm not afraid of dying. I am however afraid of the hurt and pain, the worry and concern that all my family, friends and even some of my colleagues go through seeing me battle.  When I say that I am not afraid of dying, I don't want you all to think that I am giving up. That I am sounding melodramatic. That I am writing myself off. That I am making more of this than there actually is.  I know that this is not cancer as such. These are residual cancer cells that we are attacking before they can take a hold. This cancer has been the cause of me having a bilateral mastectomy. The treatment made me lose my hair. My finger and toe nails are currently in the process of coming off. My taste buds disappeared.  Food, drink and even water were awful to consume. I have suffered an anaphylactic shock, Neutropenia, Buggered up immune system. I have to face all this  again and more than likely a lot more in the months to come. These residual (left over bits of cancer) have the potential to wreak havoc. It is that havoc that I am fighting to keep away. I just hope and pray that I now have the strength to go through the treatment, let alone beat this bloody cancer. 

I ask all who read this to keep me in your prayers when you pray to your God.  I need all the help that praying may bring. Pray too that I re-find my own faith because right now I can't find it anywhere, no matter how hard I try. I will thank you in advance. 

Stay healthy

Stay happy

Enjoy life to the full. 

There is no wonderful feeling as that of a person returning home after a long stay in hospital! Elaine Murphy

Tuesday 2nd Feb 2016

Just on a quick re-cap on my last blog on Fri 22 Jan. After being re-admitted into hospital on Friday 15th January, I was eventually discharged on Tuesday the 2nd of February. Other than the two and a half days I had between the weeks stay of my surgery and my re admittance into hospital with pneumonia and sepsis, I was in total, three days shy of having been in hospital for a month. And what a long time that was. I kept myself busy by trying to solve a 5 x 5 Rubik Cube... and no I have not solved it, in fact in my frustration I have completely buggered it up and have to start all over again! I read, I coloured, I watched the Hobbit on my laptop and I worked for the PDST tutoring on line. However, although I was keeping myself busy, I was missing my family. In this time my Parents and my Sister had come over to help me after my initial discharge after the mastectomy. I ended up missing their visit and they had to visit me in hospital instead. On the night I was taken in, Diane travelled with me in the ambulance, she sat with me all night and all day the next day before sailing home that afternoon. It was awful saying bye bye.

Whilst in Hospital I missed my Mother-in-Law's funeral. In my second week, I had the tragic news that my Father's brother and my wonderful, generous, funny and brilliant Uncle Ted, had so unexpectedly passed away. On the Saturday evening my Cousins and Aunt were planning his birthday meal with him, he was jovial and looking forward to it. On the Sunday morning he peacefully passed away surrounded by many of those who loved him very much. I received a call from Mum that morning saying that she was on the way to the hospital to see my Uncle. She told me that Dad had left earlier after receiving a call from Janet. Things had taken a totally unexpected turn for the worse. Less than 40 minutes later, my brother Roy rang me to tell me that Uncle Ted had died. I could hardly take a breath. No... No .... NOOOO... I remained calm, put down the phone and buried my head in my pillow and once again I had reason to cry, and cry I did.  I had a stabbing ache in my heart, I felt dizzy and sick, I just could not even think. Why now? What is it that is happening?

1. Cancer diagnosis
2. Chemo that goes bloody wrong
3. vicious surgery removing both breasts
4. Death of Mother-in-Law - and funeral missed
5. Pneumonia and Sepsis (hospitalised)
6. Death of my Uncle - another funeral that I cannot attend

If anybody, but anybody tells me once more that: 

"God doesn't give us more than we can carry OR God only gives you this because he knows your strong enough to carry it all!" 

I swear now I will be arrested for GBH or murder. As I pointed out to my neighbour, Joetta over a very enjoyable coffee morning the other day, based on the above analogy, God in his wisdom must think that I am some sort of sodding ninja. 

Look my hair is growing back :)

I was discharged from hospital having spent nearly three weeks on 8 hourly doses of intravenous antibiotics. I had so many blood tests that my veins basically gave up and a pik line was inserted. At least it made having bloods taken and medication given intravenously easier. However it did not make staying in hospital much easier. I was lucky to have visits from colleagues, family, and friends. 

Suzanne visited regularly and kept me laughing, Hazel and Julia hopped on the ferry from Wales and visited me only to have to return again that afternoon. I bet not many have had pals from across the water turn up for hospital visiting time. They had me laughing my head off, Julia with her fear of heights and the endurance test of having to sail in rough seas, and Hazel with her one liners. Julia had asked Hazel... "Where do we go if we start to sink?" Hazel said in a heartbeat "To the bottom!" I was laughing so much it was hard to breath. But their visit along with the visits from Suzy, Geraldine, Orla, Carmel and of course Gerry and my sons Joe and Jim, kept me chipper. Kept me from going totally nuts. I face-timed my Sister, Brother and Parents. I had text messages from other friends and colleagues. Not to mention the face book messages of encouragement and support. All this support from family and friends made me realise that I was not doing this alone that in one way or another this predicament was affecting a lot of people in a lot of different ways. Hospital staff were amazing, and I realised that I must be getting older as the doctors were certainly looking so much younger... ahem!!! ;-) 

A member from Mr Gullo's team - the Chemotherapy Oncologist came to see me to tell me that it is highly likely that I will be having three more sessions of chemotherapy. The reason being that the tumours they removed had not shrunk as significantly as they wanted them to. As the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes there is a slight danger that stray cancer cells could have escaped. Therefore, Chemotherapy may be administered in order to kill any cells - should there be any. Following this I will be given Radiotherapy. I have an appointment to see Mr Salib the Radiotherapy Oncologist to arrange these sessions. These will take place daily over a five week period. Monday to Friday with a break each weekend. I will be staying in St. Luke's week days and returning home at weekends during this treatment. Once that this treatment is over, I will be at the end of treatment for cancer. It will then be a case of six monthly check ups. I am basically cancer free now, due to the fact that I had aggressive surgery. The rest of the treatment is preventative and precautionary. If things start going my way, this should be the end of my cancer diagnosis. Fingers Crossed. 

I arrived home on the Tuesday. It was great to sit in the lounge in my own home, have a drink or something to eat whenever I wanted it, flick through the tv channels, sleep in my own bed, all the home comforts that I all to often take for granted. Most of all it was great to see the surprise and happiness on the face of my Sons when I picked them up from school with Gerry en route home.

I have been waited on hand and foot. When I left hospital, the nurse had come in to speak to Gerry, the boys and  myself outlining at just how important it is that for the next number of weeks there is no housework, cooking or lifting to be done, or I am in danger of causing a lot of damage to myself after the surgery I have had. Further more, I cannot drive. Now that is a real sickener. I find it very difficult to remain indoors day in and day out. I might not be going anywhere in particular, but having the freedom of not being able to drive taken away from me makes me want to go out all the more... It must be the rebel in me. 

Thank you Ann Phelan and all at the PDST

On Wednesday I had a lovely bouquet of flowers delivered to me from the PDST. That evening I had my first glass of wine in four months. I had forgotten just how lovely a glass of wine tastes. I have to say, I did have more than one glass and yup enjoyed them. I had a lovely visit from Joetta on Thursday. We laughed and chatted and put the world to rights over coffee and cakes.  On Friday I had to return to hospital for a needle aspiration. A needle is inserted into my chest and fluid is drawn away from the wounds. Unfortunately with having had lymph nodes removed, the fluid that would normally have been drained away by these nodes now gather and spread into all the cavities left from having had a bilateral mastectomy. It is not very pleasant and all, but has to be done. At some point my body will realise that it has to find another way to naturally drain this excess fluid. So until then it is a case of having to have needle aspirations. Whilst I was going through the needle aspirations, back at home in Wales, Janet,  my Father and Mother, my Siblings and extended Family and Friends were  burying my Uncle Ted. I was sickened not to be able to say my final farewell to him, however it was not to be and I quietly shed tears on my way home. Later that evening we treated ourselves to take  away food  and once again I had two glasses of wine, that I drank over the course of the evening. We watched a movie and I marked work that came in on the course that I am tutoring.

Wine back on the menu.

Today is a very grey, wet and windy day. It is a day where the only thing you can really do is remain indoors. I am using this time to update my blog, the cathartic activity that has kept me strong throughout the whole frightening experience of having a diagnosis of cancer. I have gained a lot of strength from sharing my blog with you all. Your messages of support and messages from others who have been or are currently going through similar experiences as myself has been a huge source of strength. I cannot thank you all enough. I will be updating my blog over the next couple of months until the radiotherapy is finished and I can then spend time recovering from the medication that 'cures' the cancer. After that, I hope to be able to get on with my life. Boring and routine appeals to me at the moment. 

Last August 2015, just before the schools started back in September, I was visiting my family in Wales. I was sitting talking to my Mum  and telling her how I was becoming a little jaded in my career, that I felt that I should start looking for something different, and I can recall as clear as day the following words that I said to her...

"Do you know something Mum? I have a very strong feeling that things are going to be different for me this next academic year. There is going to be a big change regarding my life and my career. I haven't a clue what it is, but I have a huge feeling that whatever it is, it is going to change my life so much, and hopefully for the better!"

... Little did either of us realise that within a space of five weeks of that statement, I would be diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer and that 15 weeks after that I would have had both my breast removed and facing further aggressive treatment. Little did we know that this would be the cause of a change in my life. A dreadfully drastic change. Little did we know that there would be two deaths that we would have to cope with. Little do we know what lies ahead. I think that is a good thing. Would any of us be able to cope if we knew what was facing us in the future?

I am dedicating this latest blog to the memories of Ted Botfield (1939 - 2016). Beloved Uncle to Elaine, Diane and Roy Jnr, Brother of Roy Snr and Brother-in- Law to Glenys, great uncle to Amy, Joe and Jimmy, Andrew, Katie, Ella and Ffion. Father to Karen, Vicky, Adrian, Susan and Alan. Husband to Janet. Son of the Late Kathleen and George Botfield (My Nan and Grandad),  And to the memory of Jane Murphy (1926 - 2016) my quiet and gentle Mother- in-Law, Wife of the late Jim Murphy, devoted mother to Seamus, Anne, John, Marie, Mary and Gerry (My loving husband), Grandmother to Amy, Joe, Jim, Sandy, Darren, Gill, Mark, Paul, Chris, Danielle, Aaron and Barry. May you both rest in Peace. The world is a very different and sadder place without you both. 

My late Uncle Ted with his Mum and my Nana Kitty Botfield.

My late Mother in Law, Jane with my youngest son Jimmy.

Appreciation can make a day – even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary. -Margaret Cousins

Sunday 24th Jan 2015

I am just posting a short addition to my blog today, the reason being that if you recall from earlier blogs, I fought hard to be given a bilateral mastectomy due to the fact that surgeons will not remove healthy tissue. However because of the triple negative issue, a bilateral mastectomy made sense as the odds of cancer returning were quite high. Although this was the case, my consultant agreed with me to a degree but wanted me to have the cancerous breast removed first and the second one six months down the line.... Nope.... My surgeon carried out the bilateral mastectomy, but each time he sees me he asks me "Do  you have any regrets yet?" Here is a letter I wrote to him answering this question for the final time.

Dear Mr. G.....

I am writing to  you as I feel that I need to put your mind at ease.

As you know, I was sadly diagnosed with breast cancer on Friday 2nd October 2015. A date that will remain in my head for the rest of my life. When you broke this news to me, little did you know that across the table from you sat a strong willed, bull headed, middle aged woman, who had to comfort her husband on her diagnosis as opposed to the other way around. A woman who was prepared to fight this like so many before her. 

Mr G.... , you told me to bring my next of kin, instead I brought a tribe, the first indication that I was 'different'. When I knew that I would need a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed, I knew immediately that I was going to insist on a bilateral mastectomy. When I mentioned this I was told not to jump ahead, and that it was preferred not to remove healthy tissue. I immediately decided to go home and do my research. 

I went home and I read arguments for and against the bilateral operation. I looked at statistics of the chances of cancer returning, I even went as far as looking at my legal rights and the possibility of perhaps having to consider surgery abroad. Yes Sir, I was that determined. I spoke to Eileen over the phone expressing my concerns and my reasons for wanting the bilateral mastectomy.

Once chemotherapy had been deemed as no good for my general health, surgery was brought forward. A date set for us to discuss my operation. My biggest fear was not being heard, listened to or understood. However, I was lucky, I had you sitting opposite me. I expressed my worry about not being listened to, about how I worried about my own mental and psychological health should I be left with one breast, about my fear of the cancer returning. And you listened!

We discussed the fact that the cancer was bordering on triple negative which raised the stakes in my favour. You did try to dissuade me but I would not back down. Once again, you listened!

You asked me if I would consider having the cancerous breast removed first and the second breast removed a few months later, I refused that option. Yet again you listened!

Mr.  G...... You carried out my wishes, you took what I had said and you took on board my worries and fears and my cancer, and you took them away.

I know and understand that what you did for me went against the grain and against all that you stand for in the preservation of healthy tissue, however, in doing the bilateral mastectomy you kept me as symmetrical as a human body can be, you kept me balanced, you kept me sane and you aided in reducing the risk of the cancer returning. You listened and you understood me. 

Yes I am sorry and devastated at having to have lost my breasts, but neither you or I did that. Cancer did that on 2nd October 2015. 

Saving a breast because it is healthy tissue is not always the right thing to do for a person, saving their life and sanity is. 

I will never be able to thank you and your amazing team of doctors and nurses who have cared so wonderfully for me. I have no regrets.

Thank you once again, I wish you great health, happiness and wealth, a long happy life, everything that I wish for myself. 

Kind Regards Always 

Your Patient

Elaine Murphy

'A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, an auntie, a teacher - happy with no regrets'

“I wondered if hurdlers ever thought, you know, "This would go faster if we just got rid of the hurdles.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

One Week Following Surgery:

The week on St. Helen's ward flew by.  I was making quite the remarkable recovery. Even more remarkable was the fact that I was not suffering any pain. I used the morphine pump for the day of surgery and part of the following morning, but it just made me sleepy and I did not feel as though I needed it. So, I stopped pressing the button in order to try monitoring the level of pain I would have to endure should the morphine  go.  I didn't use the morphine after that. I was given diphene tablets and some paracetamol tablets. I was nervous about possible pain so I took the first diphene given to me, and then later that day the second one. I returned the pills that followed. I was not feeling pain at all. This came as a wonderful surprise as I was told at my pre-op assessment to expect anything from acute to chronic pain. It was this pain that I was nervously waiting to take hold. On day led on to the next and the pain did not arrive. I am not saying that having both your breasts removed is totally pain  free by any means, but different folk have different levels and definitions of pain. This was not pain. This was a slight discomfort. The feeling can only be described as having a tight fitting bra on. For anybody who has had long hair and then had the hair cut considerably shorter, there is a feeling on your head as though you are wearing a hat, your head feels slightly 'odd' after having a drastic hair cut, the same can be said about the feeling after a mastectomy. Well for me that is how it feels. The wounds, stitches and skin feel 'tight'.

By Tuesday the 12th January I was ready to go home, so I was given the once over and finally discharged from hospital. Suzanne picked me up, and gave me a lift to Kilcoole, where I was dropped off to Gerry who was picking Joe and Jim up from school. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Excited to be going home, but nervous as to how I would manage in the long term, not just physically manage at home, but mentally/psychologically/emotionally. So far, even to myself I seemed to be taking things so very well. My breasts had to be taken away from me, granted the right was at my insistence due to the chances of the cancer returning, but had cancer not appeared in the first place, I would still have had my breasts now. The taking away of my breasts would not have arisen at all. It just would not have happened. I said bye to Suzanne and hopped into the car with Gerry and the boys.  We made our way home. I was feeling tired, I was delighted to be with my family, but I was apprehensive of being home, looking after myself coping with my 'new look'. We arrived home. I knew that my job now, was to take things easy, not to stress over things and to rest. You just will not believe how easily it is to become tired, well more like utterly worn out after a simple car journey or walking up a flight of stairs or even making a cup of coffee. Everything is an effort. 

I went into the house, tiredness was setting in and I knew my parents and my sister were due over the following day. They were giving up their time from running their own homes and work to come and look after me, help me settle back at home and to ensure that I was not overdoing things and basically taking time out to make a full recovery. I sat down and chatted to Gerry and the boys, asked how they had managed whilst I was away in hospital and caught up on the news of home and school life. Then I sat back. Gerry and the boys had kept the home tidy, but as I looked around I noted that the polishing of the fire place hadn't been done, that there were clothes out of place, that the dining table had items on it that should not be there, and for some unfathomable reason, it rankled with me. I am not a 'nit picker' when it comes to my home, I love the fact that it is relaxed, that people who call have to take us as they find us. It may be a bit 'lived in' but it's not dirty. There may be a bit of dust but we live life rather than worry about the fact that there is some dust to blow away, but today this was not the case, This was bothering me. It started at the pit of my stomach, and every little thing that I deemed as being either 'out of place' or not up to standard made this rankled feeling grow and grow. I started to become short with Gerry, started to become snappy, started to sweat and grow annoyed, the annoyance became, cross, the cross became angry and then the anger exploded. Why? I do not know! I shouted at how they could have done better, at how they could have at least polished.... What the bloody hell was wrong with me? My husband and two sons had missed me, had hugged me, had welcomed me home and I was acting like an ungrateful old harridan, shouting, demanding and being so unbelievable hateful. This was not me. This was an unreasonable, uncalled for, and unacceptable explosive outburst that upset three of the people I love with all my heart. This was despicable of me. But why? I have tried to analyse this behaviour over the last week. Without making excuses for myself or using cancer as an excuse, I can only put this down to me being angry at having cancer, at cancer disfiguring me, at cancer taking parts of me away, emotionally, psychologically and physically, and me, turning that anger on those that love me. This is the second time an outburst of horrible proportions has occurred. I don't want a third. I have held it together I cannot let cancer create cracks in my relationship with my family. I love them too much to allow it to do that. It has created cracks in my health, halted my career, created cracks in my confidence (although I try and not let these show), has created and increased fears that I had never had, has played hell with my psychological strength. Basically cancer has infiltrated my entire life, stalled the daily march through the 'normality' of what is my life.

Wednesday 13th Jan  (Diane, Mum and Dad Arrive) 

Having profusely apologise to Gerry, Joe and Jim for my explosion last night, I still felt really guilty. I just wanted to cry when each of them individually hugged me and told me that it was OK, that it was all forgotten and that as far as they were concerned it had not happened. It made me want to cry. Gerry took the boys to school and I sat an waited for his return. Gerry came home and we got little bits done around the house. I went through any post that had arrived whilst I was in hospital and dealt with any issues, such as renewing our insurances and motor taxes etc. while Gerry got on with the heavier jobs of changing bedding and hoovering etc. I sat and had a coffee, the house was looking clean and tidy and I was feeling so relaxed. I turned on the television, Gerry had just made his own cup of tea when the door bell rang. It was my family, Mum, Dad and Diane. Unfortunately Roy was holding the fort business wise while Mum and Dad were away so he was unable to make the trip over. There were hugs and kisses all round and more teas were made. Joe and Jim finish school early on a Wednesday so Gerry had to leave to pick them up from Kilcoole. While Gerry went for the boys, I caught up on all the news from home and we laughed and chatted. I was feeling so content at having my parents and sister here with me. Mum and Dad had decided to book into Moneylands and Diane was staying with us.

We were talking about all sorts. Then the subject got onto the operation, so I was telling them all about my op to remove cancer. Whilst mid flow of describing the op and the subsequent results, my mobile phone rang. I looked at the screen and it was Gerry's nephew Darren. I answered the call. The call was one that I was not expecting at all and my blood ran cold at the message. Darren had called to look for Gerry, he could not get hold of him on his phone. I told Darren that Gerry had gone to pick up the boys and that I would tell him to call, but that was something that would not be necessary, Darren informed me that my Mother-in-Law, Jane Murphy had just passed away. I thanked Darren and put the phone down. My next action was to phone Gerry who had arrived at the school and was waiting for the boys to come out of classes. Gerry answered the phone and in his usual cheery and cheeky manner he answered the phone :

"Hello my dear, what can I do for you my darling wife?"
"Gerry, Darren has just phoned, he has been trying to call you. Gerry I am sorry, but it is about your Mum, Gerry she has passed away!"

There was deadly silence on the phone before Gerry replied and told me that he was on his way home. How that man held it together I will never know. His strength at receiving such devastating news was unreal. He and the boys arrived home 45 minutes later. The boys and Gerry were in a slight state of shock. My parents and Diane hugged Gerry and passed on their condolences. Gerry and I attended the nursing home that evening and steps were made to arrange the funeral. Willie Doyle the under taker arrived and all the information was given to me on how to arrange it all. A task that needed doing immediately, as the funeral was to be held that Saturday. Willie had the brochure of coffins with him so one was chosen immediately. That was one job down. Lots to go...

Thursday 14th January

Diane cleaning up Sylvester's vomit

First thing this morning, Sylvester (my handsome cat) welcomed Diane to the house by throwing up his breakfast, I'm so glad Di was there to help, I don't think I could have handled that myself today. Diane must have felt hungry though because at one point I thought she was going to start eating the stuff!

...Today was spent organising the funeral, Readers, Offertory, Memorium, Gospel reading, New Testament Reading, Old testament reading, pall bearers, Prayers of the faithful, Eulogy, Music, songs and singer. Looking for photograph of for Order of service, Proof reading the order of service, correcting the order of service, proof reading second copy of order of service, ordering flowers, meeting with the Parish Priest Fr. Donal Roach, (who, I have to add here is a lovely man), liaising with Willie Doyle (undertaker and another lovely man). I could not have managed to carry out the tasks necessary without the help of Willie, Fr. Donal and also Francis O Connor (my cousin-in-law) Who introduced Willie to us in the first place and she certainly was correct when she told us that Willie, besides being professional, was also a lovely down to earth man who would help us the whole way. Francis also agreed to read in the mass, which was a huge help. All arrangements were now made and my Mother-in-Law was going to have a good send off. Basically, less than 48 hours out of hospital and following major surgery, I had spent the whole day working on organising a funeral. It was mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  All my parents and sister could do was sit, watch and worry that I was overdoing things in such a short time. I could not have agreed more.

Amy also arrived home today, and was picked up from the port by Suzanne. We really would be lost without her help. Suzanne has been an absolute tower of strength and source of help to both Gerry and I during this very emotionally, psychologically, physically and mentally difficult time. Thank you Suzanne.

Friday 15th January

My appointment with Mr Geraghty following my surgery was at 11:00 am today. Once again we went to the hospital for our meeting in what we have now christened 'the cancer room'. Mr Geraghty came in and sat down. His first words were along the lines of 'Elaine, you are now Cancer Free'. Cancer free in the sense that they have cut away all the cancer by carrying out the bilateral mastectomy. They had also removed all the lymph nodes on the left, removing the cancer that infected them too. I will soon see Chemotherapy Oncologist, Dr. Gullo who will discuss whether I will need three milder sessions of chemotherapy or not. I will then have a meeting with Dr Salib in St Luke's, where my radiotherapy sessions will be arranged. I will have five weeks of intensive radiotherapy sessions. I will also be on a tablet for the next five years, with a review after five years and then a tablet for a further five years. Although I am mid treatment, the rest of the treatment to come will be precautionary and preventative measures.... So yes as of now I am Cancer Free, not to mention Boob Free too. A high price to pay for sure!

Mr Geraghty left the room and walked out with Gerry. I was going to have dressings and one of my drains removed. Mr Geraghty introduced himself to my family and hands were shaken and thanks conveyed.

Despite the passing of his Mother, Gerry was like a child who had eaten every blue smarty and skittle in a sweetshop. He was not far of cartwheeling about the place. Cancer Free, Elaine is Cancer free! He was bounding about the place as thought on springs and his smile, happiness, laughter and sheer delight was not only palpable but contagious too.

I had my dressings removed and two of the drains removed. Quite an unpleasant sensation that is for sure, and certainly not pain free.  We left the hospital, I had to sit down for a short while as the drain removal had me feeling a little bit weak. We headed to the car and I rang Amy, Joe and Jim who were waiting to hear from us. We were heading to D'Arcy McGee's for lunch and the children were meeting us there. The same place we attended 15 weeks ago to the day after being told that I had cancer. Basically we were putting a demon to rest here. We all sat and ordered our meals, Gerry was still as high as a kite on happiness. I had my first pint of Guinness since the 2nd October last year, and yes it was delicious. After the meal, Mum went to the hairdressers, Dad was taking her and coming back to take Gerry, myself and the children home to pick up the car.

Gerry and I picked up the car, went to buy roses for the grandchildren to put onto the coffin at the cemetery tomorrow. I had to get them memorium items together for Joe, Jim, Aaron and Barry to carry up and then we had to attend the funeral parlour for a prayer service from 6:00pm - 8:00pm.
At the funeral parlour, I checked that all the flower arrangements had arrived and that everything was in order for tomorrow. So many people arrived to pay their respects. It was lovely to see my colleague Jim O Riordan turn up too. How thoughtful a thing to do. Thank  you Jim. We chatted and soon Jim left. I went to find Gerry and to sit down for a while.

I was starting to feel quite weak and certainly did not want to cause a scene here at the funeral home, after all, I didn't want them getting any ideas and measuring me up for more business, two birds with one stone and all that stuff. I found a seat next to a heater, oh my goodness the cold was getting to me, I mean really freezing to the bone cold. I was shivering beyond belief and my surroundings were starting to look as though they were moving. It was getting harder and harder to hold things together, so as soon as it was announced that the prayers were taking place, I excused myself and remained in my now quiet corner. I had told Gerry that I was feeling a little 'odd' and put it down to the new antibiotics I had taken before leaving the house. I felt as though everything was spinning. Not a good feeling at all. I was chugging classes of water like a lunatic too. God I wish this prayer service would end, and end soon. I needed to get home.

The Amy, Joe and Jim came into the room "Mum what is wrong?" I told them that there was nothing wrong that I was tired and just wanted to get home, Gerry came along and agreed to leave immediately. We said our goodbyes, everything for the funeral was now in place and I could get home. We arrived home in under 20 minutes. I had warned the children not to say anything to Auntie Di or to Nainy and Grandad or they would only worry. They didn't have to say anything. I walked into the room, sat on the chair and went into a super speed decline. My body was tremoring, I had a temp of nearly 41 deg. C. I was unaware of what was going on. I needed taking to the toilet, I needed dressing into PJ's, I needed help to walk and I needed nursing. I was ill, more ill than I have ever felt. My Mum rang St. Anne's ward and were told to get me into hospital immediately. An ambulance arrived and I was taken to hospital. My Sister travelled with me and my parents followed in the car. Gerry and the children remained at home.

At hospital tests were carried out and chest x-ray's taken. I was diagnosed with both pneumonia and sepsis. Initially I was in Resus, we are on first term names there now. Diane stayed with me all night, she stroked my head or my arm, easing me back to sleep, she held the sick bowl for me as I vomited, she held me while I cried. Diane remained with me right up  until she had to leave for the boat the next day. The poor girl had not had a minute of sleep. Thank you Di, you were and are an absolute tower of strength. I love you.

Friday 22nd January

OMG... I look shitty here! 

I was admitted onto St. Luke's ward for two days then moved back onto St Helen's ward. I have been here for a week now and I will be here now until the Sepsis has cleared. I have to keep having needle aspirations (draining of fluid from wound area by needle). There is a build up of fluid that has gone bad. It is supposed to be thin, watery and clear, mine is the consistency of custard, colour of caramel and basically disgusting. I have to have a needle the approximate length of 3 - 4 inches, quite thick inserted into my chest and fluid pulled out. So far there has been 530 mls of fluid drawn out. I am waiting for the nurse to come and do it again as I type. Oh the joy! There is definitely one thing that I have to mention here, and that is that the care and concern of the nurses, carers, and the whole team who look after me is second to none. I have been looked after so well that I just cannot thank everyone here on St. Helen's ward enough.

I heard that the funeral went really well. There was a get together in Phil Healy's afterwards too. This was thankfully organised by Rocky (Seamus) my Brother-in-Law. Three of my colleagues attended the funeral, Carmel, Orla and Geraldine - Thank you ladies, you were fantastic to do that. Gerry and I appreciated that very much.

Well folks, This has been yet another set back in my recovery. How many more setbacks can I take? That I cannot answer, but I will keep fighting. I do get very low and yes I do cry, it is not all positivity and roses. However these times are needed or somewhere along the line I would end up with some sort of breakdown. All I want now is to get my life back, have some sort of 'normality' back in my life, to be free from hospitals, discomfort and ill health. Sure, a small lotto win (enough to pay the mortgage) wouldn't go amiss too, God, if you are listening!

Life is About Moving On, Accepting Changes and Looking Forward to What Makes You Stronger and More Complete!

New Year and the few days that followed:

Hello 2016!

New Year and ringing in 2016 with my family was a huge success. We were all up at Roy's house and my Nephew, Andrew, had gone to great expense and organisation in preparing the fireworks for ringing in the new year. He has a great interest in pyrotechnics. Something I feel he would be really good at. Roy and Fran had prepared a lovely buffet, with a huge pot of curry and rice and also a turkey casserole prepared by Fran's Uncle. Diane had made a quiche and also a meringue, while Mum made her signature dish of Potatoe Salad. There was so much food, and all of it lovely. I decided that Capt. Morgan would be my poison for the night, and Sarah, Dafydd's girlfriend introduced me to 'Cubans'. Delicious to say the least. The night was filled with laughter and fun, conversation and reminiscence. At midnight Andrew lit up the skies around Old Colwyn with the most amazing display of fireworks I have ever seen outside of a professional display. Well done Andrew, you made us all so proud of you. My photographs of the fireworks do not do the display justice. All too soon the night ended and we all headed home. I hope that 2016 is a good year for us all. 

New Year's Day was a big family affair with all of us, once again at Mum and Dad's where we had a beautiful meal prepared by Mum, and relaxed from the night before. 

On Saturday evening, Roy had rung up and asked if I wanted to go for a run in his new car. Indeed I did. Roy and I had not spent much time together to have a catch up. He picked me up and we drove to Llandudno. I spotted an antiques shop that was still open. We stopped the car and got out to peruse the interesting items found in this treasure trove of history. I often look at goods whether they be furniture or items of jewellery and wonder if they could speak, what stories they could tell us. There were clocks, trunks, heavy wooden units with intriguing carvings, silver hairbrush sets and locked boxes and cases of all sorts of varieties. We left there and looked into the window of an antique jewellery shop. The diamonds glittered and the gold shone, so did the prices. A gold fob with lapis lazuli, Cornelion and Jade stones caught my eye. I like fobs and have always wanted one like this. 

"... It is £195 love, but if you want it I can do it for £150!"

A woman standing outside the shop smoking called over to me, strange how the smell of cigarettes churns my stomach now. I nodded and smiled and said that I would talk to my husband. Roy and I headed back to the car. We headed up to Lladudno Junction where we picked up a chippy from Enoch's, then stopped to pick up a Chinese in Penrhyn Bay for Roy and Fran and finally we stopped at Aydin's Eatery in Colwyn Bay for their very tasty kebabs for Gerry, Myself and Joe. Jim decided the chippy was his meal of choice tonight. We then headed back to  Mum and Dad's after having a lovely catch up, stroll out and run in the car

The rest of the weekend flew by. On the Sunday I had pre-booked a table at 'The Black Lion' in Llanfairtalahairn. The 15 of us were going there for lunch to round of an incredible Christmas and New Year spent together.  Sixteen years since we had all seen each other over Christmas and spent any time together. Sixteen years, all this had been arranged last Christmas, little did I know then that I would be bringing a dark shadow with me, that uninvited guest called cancer.  I did my level best not to dwell on the cancer this festive season, but it was always there like a little gremlin hiding in the dark, always there to waiting pop into my mind as I tried falling asleep each night. Always there with that evil ability to make you cry quietly at night when everyone was asleep. Silent tears, silent worry and silent fear. 

Sunday was a lovely day, yes it was grey and windy, but that was not an issue. We were all together and heading off for our lunch out. The Black Lion was lovely, the food was delicious and the company was just perfect. We all had a lovely meal. I also had the added pleasure of trying 'Black Dragon' a Welsh produced Cider. 'Oh Yes!' it certainly hit the spot. A perfect traditinally tasting, refreshing beverage. So good in fact, I purchased four further bottles to enjoy when  back in Ireland.  After our meal, we left and took all the cars home. Diane drove us all to the Marine, where we spent a couple of hours laughing, joking and watching football. At one point a gentleman approached me. Apparently he had been watching me during the afternoon. He had approached my brother too and asked about me, I guess the hair, or lack of it, is a dead give away when it comes to this cancer. I have refused to hide behind hats and wigs. Well, this gentleman came up to me and was so kind that he almost had me reduced to tears. He bent low so that I could hear him;

"... You are an inspiration, an amazing lady. I have watched  you all afternoon, you have laughed, joked and smiled all afternoon. You truly are an inspiration, I am very honoured to have met you... "

The lovely accolades went on, and as he left he asked me one thing;

"... all I ask is that you don't grow more hair than me!"

lol, Sir I don't know your name but unfortunately that is not a promise I can keep. Whoever you are, you don't know just how much you made my day on Sunday the 3rd January. Thank you so much. You see, I was returning to Ireland on the Monday and facing major surgery on the Tuesday. At this point of the weekend, much of my laughter was very much bravado and trying to keep a lid on the urge to scream and cry "Why me... why the hell did this have to happen to me?"

Monday arrived far too quickly. Naturally the last thing that I wanted was to leave my family, my wonderful, supporting and loving family, my towers of strength and my companions in laughter. It was time for Gerry, Joe, Jim and myself to bid our Welsh home goodbye for now and return to our home in Ireland. A home that is equally full of love and laughter, but missing our Amy and a few other folk. We all tried to keep things light and tear free. Gerry, the boys and I packed the car earlier in the morning so that we could avoid a last minute panic. We then relaxed over a lovely big breakfast prepared by Dad for our last morning there. Diane and Andrew called down to see us off. We sat quietly, nobody knew really what to say as everyone was feeling that horrid feeling when you have to say bye bye to folk knowing it is going to be a while before you see them again. We were leaving at 11:30 a.m. as we had to be at the port an hour before the actual sailing. Roy rang to say that he was on his way to the house as he was picking up window cleaning scrims from Northern Potteries for Gerry. Roy arrived at the house just before 11:00 am with both Ella and Ffion. Mum called me and told me that Roy wanted to see me. I nipped up to him. Roy presented me with a little blue velvet box, inside the box was the lovely fob I had seen the previous Saturday. What a beautiful surprise;

"... Im telling you Sis, that belonged to a really wealthy old fella, who had a long life and all his good luck is going to be passed on to you..." 

... said Roy. Regardless of the history of the piece Roy had purchased for me, for us it will always carry good luck because of the love that went into buying it for me. Thank you Roy. I now had two pieces to bring into hospital with me. Roy's Fob and Diane's Blaket. Yes Surrounded by love indeed.

We gathered around the dining room table and looked up the meaning of the stones in the fob. Yes indeed all of them carry some good fortune and health. All too soon it was time for us to leave. We bid our farewells and yes tears were shed. We got on the road and headed to Holyhead. We checked in and boarded our ferry. I had booked us into Stena Plus, and so we all took our seats and hunkered down for the three and a half hour journey. I fell fast asleep and slept for most of the trip back. Just after five we were docking in North Wall. Right of heavy traffic time. The journey home to Arklow took us just under an hour and 45 minutes and we were back in the house by seven that evening. Besides unpacking, which I didn't get round to doing, all I had to do was pack a bag for tomorrow, D-Day. Yup nerves were starting to make an appearance.

Tuesday 5th January 

Day of Surgery

This morning I left the boys sleeping in bed. They had had a long journey and a tiring night. School isn't starting until tomorrow. I said bye to them last night and told them not to get up this morning. Gerry and  l left the house at 6:00am. We were both quiet and apprehensive as to what the day would bring. I had recieved many good luck wishes via facebook, WhatsApp, and text messages. We arrived at the car park in St. Vincent's hospital. Gerry waved and indicated for me to pull into the space next to this large car, it was Suzanne, she had arrived at the hospital to keep Gerry company while I was in surgery. It was a good thing that Suzanne had arrived, the previous day Gerry had pulled something in his back while unloading the car and was unable to help me with my bag. Suzanne carried the bag, while I carried the laptop and my blanket. I had also worn my Fob too. Gerry would take this home for safe keeping while I was in hospital. We all walked to St Marks Ward where I was checked in by the nurse. We took a seat and just after half 7 a nurse called us in to another waiting room. From what I could make out, all those facing one kind of surgery or another were using this waiting room and leaving from here. I was told that I was third on the list and would be going to theatre at approximately 11:30 am. By 9:00 am I was called to a side room where all my details were checked and double checked. I returned to Gerry and Suzanne who were waiting patiently in the waiting room. At 9:30 am, I was called again and told to change into the hospital gowns and put on support socks. I was being prepped for theatre. I was going now. I dashed back to tell Gerry and Sue that I was now going. I left my belongings with them and followed the nurse. My heart felt like it was hammering in my chest and I felt quite light headed. I could feel a bit of a panic starting to rise in my chest.  The nurse told me to follow her and we headed back in the direction of the waiting room. Suzy was standing at the end of the corridor, ready to head off to St. Jame's hospital to see her Dad, While Gerry was loaded up with my belongings in the waiting room. I still had my docs on so told Gerry to wait where he was until the nurse brought my shoes back to him.  I had a couple of hugs and headed off with the nurse to be further prepped for surgery.

I climbed onto the trolley and had a blanket put over me. Mr Geraghty came and shook my hand and wished me well. The Nurse who escourted me took my boots back to Gerry. The theatre nurses took over. Everything was done efficiently and yet with great care and tenderness. I was wheeled into the theatre and transfered onto the operating table. There were straps that held you onto the table, those operating tables are extremely narrow and there is no wiggle room at all. Everything that needed to be explained to me was, and then a doctor came and put a cannula into my arm. "I will be administering the anaesthetic through this and then morphine will be hooked up to it following the operation", I was told.  I was out cold in seconds.

A couple of hours after surgery

I woke up back on St. Helen's Ward at four that afternoon. Mind you I use the term 'Woke Up' very loosely. My eyes rolled and I groaned a hello to Gerry and also to Suzanne, whom I later found out had returned to the hospital after Gerry had called her to let her know where he was. Suzanne went over to keep him company. They waited and waited in the room wondering what was keeping me. I was in surgery for approximately five hours and in recovery for approximately an hour, before being wheeled to my room. I was out of it for a while. Suzanne kept wetting my lips with drops of water while Gerry held my hand or rubbed my feet. Between them they really did take care of me. A couple of hours later I was fairly awake and talking to my two guardians. Suzanne and Gerry left and I slept through the night, mind you the morphine did help. I woke the next morning and found that I spent the bulk of the day either chatting or sleeping. I kept drifting off. There was very little pain and I was also feeling very slightly nauseas with the morphine. I tended to use it as little as possible when I realised that it was making me feel sick.  On Wednesday I had a visit from three of my colleagues, Siobhann Free, Mary Green and Catherine Daly, in between I had Suzanne and Gerry and the boys there. It was a busy day. I slept again on Wednesday night, and once again it was with thanks to morphine. I found that I was using it more at night more for the effects of it helping me sleep rather that to keep the pain at bay. Thursday morning I had the drip removed. I was more awake, sitting out for the whole day and lively. Colleagues from work Carmel Dempsey (principal) and Orla Keyes (deputy principal) popped in to visit me. It was lovely to see them. Elaine Christodoulou, another of my colleagues called early evening and we chatted ten to the dozen. I was being very spoilt having all these visitors.

Day 3 after Surgery:

two drains on the left

one drain on the right. 

Today has been quite a different day. I have felt so low. People just talking and asking how I am has reduced me to tears. Suzanne visited for an hour or so, and after that Gerry, Joe and Jim arrived. I put on a brave face for them all but I just wanted to get my bags and head out of the hospital and home. We played cards, we talked and then I went to bed as I was starting to tire quite a lot. I have also had quite an upset stomach today which has not helped at all. But this sadness is quite over whelming. When Gerry and the boys were leaving I just cried. I am getting quite cross with myself too as there really is no reason for this.

There is some slight discomfort, but nothing that I could quantify as being pain. Anyone who has had their hair grow really long then have it cut really short so that you constantly feel like you have a hat on your head, well that is how my chest feels, like I have something strapped to it. When it is quite the opposite. I have nothing there... at all! The doctor has just left and I will be in hear at least until next Tuesday, apparently feeling low at this stage after a general anaesthetic is quite normal. The fluid is now draining nicely and there should be at least one drain removed by the time I am leaving. I have learned how to empty the drains and how to record the amount of fluid collected. Not a nice task but one that is necessary.

This cancer has created quite a life changing situation for me. I have had to deal with the fact that I have cancer, I have had to be strong, and now I have had to have major surgery. I will spend the next five years at least wondering if every twitch and twinge is the cancer returning. I will just have to develope a way of putting this to the back of my mind or paranoia will take over. I have to look forward now, to a changed life, a healthier way of living, and take up interests and activities that make me stronger. Now is my chance to embrace change and make it work for me.  Night night folks. I hope that this latest addition to my blog finds you all healthy and happy and embracing all that is good in life. Do it now, because one day you will find that you have just simply run out of time. Sleep well everyone. xxx

No Matter What Your Belief, Christmas Time is a Time for Everyone to Share Good Times with Family and Friends!

Wednesday 30th December 2013

Week 1 After Stopping Chemo. 

Following my stay in hospital and the stopping of Chemotherapy, I spent the rest of the week trying to make sense of what has occurred. I had developed Neutropenia, which I am sure you will recall from my previous blog, where I spent time venting my spleen in frustration. Just to refresh your memories, Neutropenia is a severe lack of white blood cells and lack of immune system. The result of this was that I was kept in isolation and given copious amounts of antibiotics, fluids and other meds to help to create an immune system and to build up the white cells again in order to make me stronger and less lethargic. I was in hospital from the Friday to the following Tuesday. It was on the Tuesday that I was told that I would no longer be getting chemo as it was basically doing me more harm than good. I was also informed that the surgery would be brought forward. The date would be decided following a meeting with Mr. Geraghty, my surgeon and Eileen, the nurse who is patiently and very kindly, looking after me during this worrying and sometimes stressful time, and myself.  The appointment for Mr Geraghty was for the following Monday - the 21st December.  I would be travelling home to Wales the following Wednesday the 23rd December.  In the meantime, I had to make use of the little time I had left to get ready for Christmas. I was still very weak and walking any distance had me struggling to breath, with my arms and legs feeling like lead weights. However, I had to get my act together. I had never ever been so unprepared for Christmas and it was a stress that only I was putting on myself as I do not like being so ill prepared for anything. 

Tuesday afternoon, Gerry and the boys came to the hospital to visit me. As they walked in I said, "OK lads, don't get comfortable, I am coming home with you now." We were all delighted and I had my bags packed and ready to go. I just had to wait for a prescription for a weeks supply of antibiotics, just to top up what they had given me in hospital. Once the cannula had the port 'attachment' had been removed I was free to go. It was lovely going home with my men and for a short time, leaving the hospital behind.  

Whilst in hospital I had ordered my Mum's Christmas present on line. A beautiful silver family locket. All I had to do now was hope that it arrived before we left for Wales. Over the next five days, I spent the time Christmas shopping with my boys and Gerry. What a contrary lot to buy for... I thought it would get easier as they get older. How wrong was I.  With stocking fillers ranging from deodorants, socks and undies to selection boxes and money, and presents ranging from a range of clothing to speakers, games and more money, I went from Bridgewater in Arklow to Carrickmines, Dundrum and Dublin City Centre. If this rushing round getting gifts didn't wipe me out, then absolutely nothing in this world would.  By Sunday I was fit to drop. All shopping was left taking up all the space in my dining room. Everyone was under threats of painful deaths should they move or touch anything. Wrapping would have to wait for now. Even lifting my little finger was exhausting.  Monday was going to be a non-starter as far as wrapping and packing for my trip was concerned as the whole day was to be spent back at hospital, my second home these days. 

Monday arrived very quickly indeed.  At 11:00 I was in having my bloods taken, from there I went up to see the anaesthetist and had my pre op assessment.  The Nurse took my height and my weight, she went through so many questions and was only short of asking me what colour underwear I was currently wearing.  The anaesthetist came in and went through many of the same questions. He also explained how I would be having a full general anaesthetic and would be on a morphine pump following surgery.  He went on to explain all about pain management. I then asked if I was to expect to be in a lot of discomfort following the surgery. I was told that I would be in acute pain to chronic pain and that this cold go on for some time, most of it depending on how I reacted to the operation and how my own body responded and healed following surgery. Well at least he was honest and did not wrap it up in any shape or form. Following my meeting with the anaesthetist, I then went for lunch, as I had an hour before my meeting with Mr Gerghaty. I lined up in the coffee shop and ordered a roll, a muffin and a hot chocolate. I carried them to my seat and found that I was shaking quite a lot. Something that I don't usually do. I put it down to being hungry.  I ate my food and yet I still felt shaky and quite unnerved.  I had thought of nothing but how I was going to manage with the pain following my op.  I have had both my hips replaced over the years. I am hoping that I will heal just as quickly after the mastectomy as I did with my hip replacements. Focusing on the pain will not help me so diverting my train of thought is going to be a necessity or I will be running for the hills on the day of my operation. At 1:45 I headed up to the 'cancer room' (I have given this room that name as it is where I was given my diagnosis three months ago). Mr Gerghaty was perfectly on time. I went and sat at the table and we got down to discussing how my treatment was going to continue now the chemotherapy was at an abrupt end. It went without say that the surgery was being brought forward. The first available date was Tuesday the 5th January 2016. Well I suppose the sooner it is carried out the sooner it is all over. I said yes to that date. I was given the option to go and think about it and that the following week of the 12th would also be an option. "No thank you, the 5th is grand thanks!" was my reply to that. Mr Geraghty then informed me that following a meeting with his colleagues, he was bound to have to inform me that there were other options to my surgery, having the left done first and coming back to have the right a month or so down the line.... "Sod that for a game of marbles... why would I want to put myself through this ordeal twice?"  It was explained about the fact that it is major surgery, that I would be in pain etc. also reconstruction, would I not be better off having reconstruction rather than nothing at all...???? Why? If I ever have a proverbial 'bang on the head' I could go off for cosmetic surgery but no thank you... I'm quite happy to have the mastectomy and leave it at that. Reconstruction is an ordeal in itself and I am putting myself through as few ordeals as is necessary.

"Well Elaine, you are one very determined lady, will you at least think about having the op in two parts?" 

"Of course I will Mr Geraghty" :)

"Oh that is good" 

At this point Mr Geraghty stood to leave...

"Mr Geraghty, I have thought about it!"

He looked at me with a mildly stunned/amused look on his face and returned to his seat...

"I will not have the op in two parts, I will have just one operation as I never want to go through this again!"

In all fairness, he laughed threw his hands up in the air and said that, that was fine he smiled and we signed off on the op, a bilateral mastectomy with all left lymph nodes to be removed and the port above the right breast removed. All this to happen on the 5th Jan 2016. I was asked if I had anymore questions. Of course I did ;)
Firstly I asked if Mr Geraghty was confident and happy to carry out the full operation and why did he feel it necessary to ask me to change my mind?
Mr Geraghty is more than happy to carry out the full op and that it was merely due to 'formality' that he had to go through any other options available to me.
Secondly, Would it please be possible to leave me as neat and flat as possible, as I had seen images and one 'live' person post mastectomy and the lumps both above and below the scaring not only made the person look like her chest was smiling at me, but made her look like she had been put together with play-doh.  Now that is something I really do not want.  I was assured that because it was a total mastectomy, I would not have any lumps at all but everything would be taken to the muscle and I would be left neat and 'flat'. Well now I can look forward to the full recovery and have a large canvass for my tattoo artist to fill in a year or so time. Lots of time to save for a true masterpiece.
Mr  Geraghty commended me on my attitude from the start of our first meeting up to now. I guess it is a good job he cant see inside my head and my heart.
I left the hospital feeling a range of emotions achievement, confidence, sadness and a bit of fear. In fact, I'm not really sure which was the dominant feeling that day.

Getting Ready for Christmas

Tuesday arrived, considering I'm supposed to be taking things easy, I had a mammoth couple of jobs to get on with today. Gerry was heading out with Joe to put a wreath on his father's grave and to visit his mother before Christmas.  He was also going to do other 'bits and pieces' around the town. Jimmy and I, in the meantime started to wrap all the presents. That took a couple of hours to do. I then had to  go to the bank pay the mortgage, change Euros to Pounds Sterling, nip to the credit union, go and buy cat food for Sylvester as he would be being cared for by our neighbours. Bronco would be coming with us to Wales as my Sister and Brother-in-Law are fostering him until I am 100% better and can walk him and go swimming in the sea with him once again.  I then returned home to start packing. Everybody had prepared all their clothes for the trip. Joe and Jim packed their clothes and I packed mine and Gerry's.  Jim was also preparing for a party he was going to this evening.  Gerry was staying up as he was picking Jim up at 11:00 pm. By 9:00pm I was fit to drop. I set the alarm as we would be leaving the house by 5:30 am the next morning. My head hit the pillow and I was out like a light.

The alarm went off as planned. I had set it a bit earlier as I wanted to get the car packed with as little fuss as possible. I washed, brushed my teeth, dressed and headed down stairs. Gerry did likewise. He headed to the kitchen and prepared tea and toast for all who wanted it. I, in the meantime, packed the car. There was quite a concern as to how we were going to get everything and everyone  in the car. There were three cases (well two cases and a large sports bag), laptop bags x 2 and presents to beat the band. Thankfully, I am an excellent 'Tetris' player and the car was packed without a problem, leaving room for Bronco,  Gerry and the Boys.  This was done in very quick time. Joe had woken, completed his ablutions, dressed and joined Gerry in the kitchen, while Jimmy was still out for the count upstairs. Having woken him three times, I was now getting rather fed up. That is the last time anyone parties before travelling the next day. In the end, it was a case of screaming up the stairs and threatening to leave him behind that made him leap out of bed, dress in a hurry and dash downstairs. We set off bang on time. The journey to the port was event free and before we knew it we were on board and ready to head home to Wales to spend Christmas with my family. The first time we would all be together for the festive season in 16 years. I could not wait.  The sailing was a little choppy but this made for an interesting crossing. Naturally, Rip Van Winkle slept the entire crossing.

We docked just on lunchtime. We returned to the car and prepared to disembark. I was so excited to be heading home. The road was fairly clear and the journey took us just over an hour. I pulled up outside Mum and Dad's house. I saw a young woman bounding down the steps to come and greet us. It was Amy, my daughter. For a split second I did not recognise her as she had not straightened her hair and instead sported beautiful long wavy hair. Naturally not liked by Amy, but I thought she looked beautiful. I had the most amazing hug from Amy. We clambered into the house to be greeted with big hugs from my Parents, Sister, Brother-in-law, niece and nephew . It was great to see everyone. Bronco was in his element as he was being made such a fuss of.  A short while later we unpacked the car and put all gifts under the tree. Bags were taken up to the bedrooms and we all settled into my family home. This was going to be our home for the next two weeks. Two weeks I prayed would not fly by. I took Bronco in the car up to my Sister and Brother-in-Laws house a little later on. He was made so welcome and seemed to settle as though he had been living there all his life. This was excellent to see for Bronco, but quite sad for myself. I am going to miss him a lot as he is my daily companion.

Christmas Eve, we all prepared different parts for the Family meal the next day. There were to be 15 around our table this year. Diane and Richard Prepared carrots, parsnips and Richard made the stuffing balls and pigs in blankets, Roy and Fran prepared the sprouts and broccoli, Mum had the ham and Turkey cooking and we both prepared the potatoes, four bags of potatoes. Peeling them was a nightmare. I have now vowed that the only spuds eaten in my house in future will still have their skins on. My hands and fingers felt like they were going to drop off from all that peeling and cutting. Joe and Jim set the Christmas table under Mum's directions, no mean feat trying to set a table for 15, however they did a great job of it.  Dad and Gerry went for a couple of pints and we settled down that evening to chat and watch Christmas T.V.

Yeeeeehaaaaaa...... Christmas morning arrived.  We were all downstairs by 8:00 am. Presents were opened up and everybody was happy with their gifts. We laughed and chatted. It was toast all round as a big breakfast was out of the question with the banquet that would be eaten later on in the day. I had decided that today I would be wearing my red dress. I washed and dressed. I left the house at 10:00 am to go to Mass. I was heading down on my own. I entered the Church, St. Joseph's in Colwyn Bay. I had to push myself as I was currently having issues with my God.  Issues of doubt, anger, disillusionment and frustration. In fact, he has been receiving the brunt of my hurt and sheer anger over the last number of weeks. Yet here I was, celebrating Christmas, his birthday, the least I could do was head on down to see if I could find and recover some of my faith.  After mass I went up and lit candles, candles for the sick, the lonely, mine and Gerry's families and for my friends and their families.  I left the church feeling a lot 'lighter' in myself. Feeling less angry and feeling that little light in my heart. Hopefully, over the next while that will increase, and one day I will find, restore and feel the love and faith I once had for the God I always  used to pray to.

Mum using Jimmy's headset
to play 'pilots'

By around 12 (ish) the whole family arrived down. More presents were swapped and the 'Christmas Magic' of seeing my two nieces open up their gifts and believing in Santa was brilliant. Richard went straight to the kitchen where he helped Mum to finish off preparing the feast. Personally I stayed out of the way as my philosophy is that of the proverb 'too many cooks spoil the broth', well that is my excuse anyway. Before long the dinner was served and we all took our places around the table. Mum had even prepared place names so that there could not be any arguing among the youngsters as to where they were sitting. It was all organised with military precision and the food was superb. Having us all together for Christmas Day was just fantastic. After lunch we all helped to tidy up and then gathered back around the table for fun and games. Pictionary was taken out and the laughter we had over that was fantastic. This was followed by a mad round of 'Don't show Keith your Teeth'.  Now personally I had never heard of this before. It is a game created by Keith Lemon. Fran and Roy explained how it was played. Well Holy God! all I can advise anyone wishing to play this game is to firstly build up you facial muscles, both to withstand the face pulling needed to play the game and the muscles needed to cope with the hysterical laughter that ensues. Secondly have all your teeth removed, you will find that you will win hands down if you do this. Thankfully I chose not to take photographs during this frivolity, I think posting any would have me seriously lambasted. The evening drew to and end and my Sister, Brother and their families made their way home. We would all be meeting up again at Diane and Richard's tomorrow, St. Stephen's Day. Another day of  food, fun and laughter to look forward to.


By Sunday I was starting to 'wilt' slightly. All the excitement of the past two days was catching up with me. This afternoon I had my Uncle Bill, Auntie Julie and cousin Susanne coming up to see me. Dad, Gerry, Roy and Richard were meeting up in the Marine for some male bonding time. Diane and I were heading to Llandudno as we had to take a phone back due to the fact it was not working properly. I got into Diane's car and we went merrily on our way, we had driven a mile or so when a voice in the back spoke to me, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Katie, my niece was sitting behind me. I hadn't realised that she was in the car when I got in. She was also wearing the MAC lipstick that I had bought her for Christmas. We picked up her boyfriend Sam and continued our journey to Llandudno.  The shop changed the phone immediately without a quibble. We returned home and My Uncle, Aunt and Cousin arrived at half past two. It was lovely to see them all.  It has been quite a while since we last saw each other. My Uncle Bill gave me such a lovely hug and then told me that he had a piece of Wales for me to take back to Ireland with me. Uncle Bill is great with wood. He had made me a beautiful trinket box, the lid was made from a tree that had been cut down at the end of his road, and the bowl was made from a tree that had been cut down in the woods at Grwych Castle.  It is so beautiful and will take pride of place on my mantle piece at home. Uncle Bill, Aunty Julie and Susanne left at three o'clock, by four o'clock, I headed up to my bed where I instantly fell asleep for a couple of hours for a much needed rest. By half past six that evening I was gently woken up and went downstairs. Dad and Gerry were still in the Marine, Amy was getting ready for a night out with her friends and Mum and I relaxed and chatted. At quarter past seven, Mum and Amy headed off to pick up Dad and Gerry. The doorbell rang,  my  boys answered the door, there were the two men, Dad and Gerry,  with Dad singing carols on the top of his voice as he came in through the front door. It was great to see that he had had such a good time.  We then found out that Dad and Gerry were the 'last men standing' with Richard having gone home to go to a party and Roy having gone home with Ifor as guests had called to his home.  I am not sure, but it is uncertain as to whether  Cor Meibion will be signing Dad up for next years carol service... lol ...

Amy, Diane, Katie, Jim and Ella

Monday arrived and it is as though all the energy and life had been totally sucked out of me.  I was so tired all day that simply moving was exhausting. I spend the day doing absolutely nothing. At three, I actually had to go back to bed where I slept for nearly three hours. Gerry woke me up so that I would be able to sleep through the night. I came downstairs and sat with my family for a while, before heading back to bed. The whole effort of just breathing seemed like too big a task. Where in the name of God was all this exhaustion coming from. I just hoped that tomorrow would be much better and that I would be fully rested and back to my 'normal' self.  My secret worry was that this was a relapse of last week. I so hoped not.

Tuesday was totally different.  I now know it was just pure exhaustion from the busy time we had had over Christmas and St. Stephen's Day. The fun, the laughter and the sheer joy and excitement of being back home with my family had worn me out. Today I felt energised and ready to face the day. I came downstairs and hugged my Mum who was  more than a little upset worrying about me and the level of tiredness the day before.  Mum too was worried that this was a relapse of Neutropenia. Her worry was that she would not be able to look after me if I became ill. Dad was there with Mum and also concerned.  This blasted cancer, the ripple effect of it is devastating. There is nothing worse than seeing the hurt and pain that others, especially your parents, siblings, husband and children go through because of the effects this terrible illness has on you. Their fears are palpable. I hugged Mum, really held her close and told her that I was going to be alright, that after the surgery I should really be cancer free, all going well. But there is always that fear, that uncertainty at the back of your mind and the minds of others. But as you do, you put on a brave face, assure each other that all will be OK, because in all honesty there is nothing much else that you can do.

Gerry and I took the boys and headed off to Conwy for the morning, we strolled through the town and I admired the beauty of it all. We stood outside the smallest house and marvelled at the medieval quay and the castle walls. We popped into the small shops and bought books and 'nik naks' to take home with us. We then headed to Llandudno where we stopped for lunch in the Albert and went to HMV. Box sets were bough along with CD's. We headed back to the car and made our way home. The evening was spent relaxing and chatting. After all the fresh air, I went up to bed earlier than usual and had a good night sleep. Wednesday was a cinema day with Mum, Dad, Andrew, Gerry, Amy, Joe, Jim and myself going to see Heart of the Sea. A film I want to get when it is out on DVD. I strongly recommend it.

Today it is New Years Eve. We have been out shopping and have stocked up on beverages for tonight. I have had a lovely afternoon nap so that I have the energy to stay up for the celebrations, Amy came into my room and snuggled up with me. It was lovely as my beautiful daughter and I don't often get to have a cuddle, we had some us time where we shared our concerns and worries, but also had some laughter too.  We will all be heading to my Brother's house where we will be seeing in the New Year. Andrew has planned a large firework display for us to see in the New Year (God help the neighbours). All I wish for now, is that 2016 is a much better  year for many of us who have found 2015 an utter challenge with a lot of heartbreak, ill health and financial worry. I wish peace and harmony, love and joy, health and wealth for all my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and to all of  you who are following my blog. I especially wish all this to Suzanne Deegan and her family who tragically lost their Mother Maura to Cancer earlier this year, and to Deirdre Keating and her family who lost her Father. In five days I face extensive surgery, I pray that I have the strength to cope both mentally and physically with what lies ahead, I pray that this next year finds me cancer free,  I pray that I am brave enough to face all outcomes after all what will be will be!

Celebrate safely my friends and Have a Happy New Year.

A few photos from out Christmas Day.

Andrew and I 

My beautiful blanket hand made
by my amazing sister Diane.

Relaxing after the fun and laughter

More relaxing 

Yummy 

Gerry and two of my nieces

My Sister  Diane And I 

Merry Christmas