There is no wonderful feeling as that of a person returning home after a long stay in hospital! Elaine Murphy

Tuesday 2nd Feb 2016

Just on a quick re-cap on my last blog on Fri 22 Jan. After being re-admitted into hospital on Friday 15th January, I was eventually discharged on Tuesday the 2nd of February. Other than the two and a half days I had between the weeks stay of my surgery and my re admittance into hospital with pneumonia and sepsis, I was in total, three days shy of having been in hospital for a month. And what a long time that was. I kept myself busy by trying to solve a 5 x 5 Rubik Cube... and no I have not solved it, in fact in my frustration I have completely buggered it up and have to start all over again! I read, I coloured, I watched the Hobbit on my laptop and I worked for the PDST tutoring on line. However, although I was keeping myself busy, I was missing my family. In this time my Parents and my Sister had come over to help me after my initial discharge after the mastectomy. I ended up missing their visit and they had to visit me in hospital instead. On the night I was taken in, Diane travelled with me in the ambulance, she sat with me all night and all day the next day before sailing home that afternoon. It was awful saying bye bye.

Whilst in Hospital I missed my Mother-in-Law's funeral. In my second week, I had the tragic news that my Father's brother and my wonderful, generous, funny and brilliant Uncle Ted, had so unexpectedly passed away. On the Saturday evening my Cousins and Aunt were planning his birthday meal with him, he was jovial and looking forward to it. On the Sunday morning he peacefully passed away surrounded by many of those who loved him very much. I received a call from Mum that morning saying that she was on the way to the hospital to see my Uncle. She told me that Dad had left earlier after receiving a call from Janet. Things had taken a totally unexpected turn for the worse. Less than 40 minutes later, my brother Roy rang me to tell me that Uncle Ted had died. I could hardly take a breath. No... No .... NOOOO... I remained calm, put down the phone and buried my head in my pillow and once again I had reason to cry, and cry I did.  I had a stabbing ache in my heart, I felt dizzy and sick, I just could not even think. Why now? What is it that is happening?

1. Cancer diagnosis
2. Chemo that goes bloody wrong
3. vicious surgery removing both breasts
4. Death of Mother-in-Law - and funeral missed
5. Pneumonia and Sepsis (hospitalised)
6. Death of my Uncle - another funeral that I cannot attend

If anybody, but anybody tells me once more that: 

"God doesn't give us more than we can carry OR God only gives you this because he knows your strong enough to carry it all!" 

I swear now I will be arrested for GBH or murder. As I pointed out to my neighbour, Joetta over a very enjoyable coffee morning the other day, based on the above analogy, God in his wisdom must think that I am some sort of sodding ninja. 

Look my hair is growing back :)

I was discharged from hospital having spent nearly three weeks on 8 hourly doses of intravenous antibiotics. I had so many blood tests that my veins basically gave up and a pik line was inserted. At least it made having bloods taken and medication given intravenously easier. However it did not make staying in hospital much easier. I was lucky to have visits from colleagues, family, and friends. 

Suzanne visited regularly and kept me laughing, Hazel and Julia hopped on the ferry from Wales and visited me only to have to return again that afternoon. I bet not many have had pals from across the water turn up for hospital visiting time. They had me laughing my head off, Julia with her fear of heights and the endurance test of having to sail in rough seas, and Hazel with her one liners. Julia had asked Hazel... "Where do we go if we start to sink?" Hazel said in a heartbeat "To the bottom!" I was laughing so much it was hard to breath. But their visit along with the visits from Suzy, Geraldine, Orla, Carmel and of course Gerry and my sons Joe and Jim, kept me chipper. Kept me from going totally nuts. I face-timed my Sister, Brother and Parents. I had text messages from other friends and colleagues. Not to mention the face book messages of encouragement and support. All this support from family and friends made me realise that I was not doing this alone that in one way or another this predicament was affecting a lot of people in a lot of different ways. Hospital staff were amazing, and I realised that I must be getting older as the doctors were certainly looking so much younger... ahem!!! ;-) 

A member from Mr Gullo's team - the Chemotherapy Oncologist came to see me to tell me that it is highly likely that I will be having three more sessions of chemotherapy. The reason being that the tumours they removed had not shrunk as significantly as they wanted them to. As the cancer had spread to the lymph nodes there is a slight danger that stray cancer cells could have escaped. Therefore, Chemotherapy may be administered in order to kill any cells - should there be any. Following this I will be given Radiotherapy. I have an appointment to see Mr Salib the Radiotherapy Oncologist to arrange these sessions. These will take place daily over a five week period. Monday to Friday with a break each weekend. I will be staying in St. Luke's week days and returning home at weekends during this treatment. Once that this treatment is over, I will be at the end of treatment for cancer. It will then be a case of six monthly check ups. I am basically cancer free now, due to the fact that I had aggressive surgery. The rest of the treatment is preventative and precautionary. If things start going my way, this should be the end of my cancer diagnosis. Fingers Crossed. 

I arrived home on the Tuesday. It was great to sit in the lounge in my own home, have a drink or something to eat whenever I wanted it, flick through the tv channels, sleep in my own bed, all the home comforts that I all to often take for granted. Most of all it was great to see the surprise and happiness on the face of my Sons when I picked them up from school with Gerry en route home.

I have been waited on hand and foot. When I left hospital, the nurse had come in to speak to Gerry, the boys and  myself outlining at just how important it is that for the next number of weeks there is no housework, cooking or lifting to be done, or I am in danger of causing a lot of damage to myself after the surgery I have had. Further more, I cannot drive. Now that is a real sickener. I find it very difficult to remain indoors day in and day out. I might not be going anywhere in particular, but having the freedom of not being able to drive taken away from me makes me want to go out all the more... It must be the rebel in me. 

Thank you Ann Phelan and all at the PDST

On Wednesday I had a lovely bouquet of flowers delivered to me from the PDST. That evening I had my first glass of wine in four months. I had forgotten just how lovely a glass of wine tastes. I have to say, I did have more than one glass and yup enjoyed them. I had a lovely visit from Joetta on Thursday. We laughed and chatted and put the world to rights over coffee and cakes.  On Friday I had to return to hospital for a needle aspiration. A needle is inserted into my chest and fluid is drawn away from the wounds. Unfortunately with having had lymph nodes removed, the fluid that would normally have been drained away by these nodes now gather and spread into all the cavities left from having had a bilateral mastectomy. It is not very pleasant and all, but has to be done. At some point my body will realise that it has to find another way to naturally drain this excess fluid. So until then it is a case of having to have needle aspirations. Whilst I was going through the needle aspirations, back at home in Wales, Janet,  my Father and Mother, my Siblings and extended Family and Friends were  burying my Uncle Ted. I was sickened not to be able to say my final farewell to him, however it was not to be and I quietly shed tears on my way home. Later that evening we treated ourselves to take  away food  and once again I had two glasses of wine, that I drank over the course of the evening. We watched a movie and I marked work that came in on the course that I am tutoring.

Wine back on the menu.

Today is a very grey, wet and windy day. It is a day where the only thing you can really do is remain indoors. I am using this time to update my blog, the cathartic activity that has kept me strong throughout the whole frightening experience of having a diagnosis of cancer. I have gained a lot of strength from sharing my blog with you all. Your messages of support and messages from others who have been or are currently going through similar experiences as myself has been a huge source of strength. I cannot thank you all enough. I will be updating my blog over the next couple of months until the radiotherapy is finished and I can then spend time recovering from the medication that 'cures' the cancer. After that, I hope to be able to get on with my life. Boring and routine appeals to me at the moment. 

Last August 2015, just before the schools started back in September, I was visiting my family in Wales. I was sitting talking to my Mum  and telling her how I was becoming a little jaded in my career, that I felt that I should start looking for something different, and I can recall as clear as day the following words that I said to her...

"Do you know something Mum? I have a very strong feeling that things are going to be different for me this next academic year. There is going to be a big change regarding my life and my career. I haven't a clue what it is, but I have a huge feeling that whatever it is, it is going to change my life so much, and hopefully for the better!"

... Little did either of us realise that within a space of five weeks of that statement, I would be diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer and that 15 weeks after that I would have had both my breast removed and facing further aggressive treatment. Little did we know that this would be the cause of a change in my life. A dreadfully drastic change. Little did we know that there would be two deaths that we would have to cope with. Little do we know what lies ahead. I think that is a good thing. Would any of us be able to cope if we knew what was facing us in the future?

I am dedicating this latest blog to the memories of Ted Botfield (1939 - 2016). Beloved Uncle to Elaine, Diane and Roy Jnr, Brother of Roy Snr and Brother-in- Law to Glenys, great uncle to Amy, Joe and Jimmy, Andrew, Katie, Ella and Ffion. Father to Karen, Vicky, Adrian, Susan and Alan. Husband to Janet. Son of the Late Kathleen and George Botfield (My Nan and Grandad),  And to the memory of Jane Murphy (1926 - 2016) my quiet and gentle Mother- in-Law, Wife of the late Jim Murphy, devoted mother to Seamus, Anne, John, Marie, Mary and Gerry (My loving husband), Grandmother to Amy, Joe, Jim, Sandy, Darren, Gill, Mark, Paul, Chris, Danielle, Aaron and Barry. May you both rest in Peace. The world is a very different and sadder place without you both. 

My late Uncle Ted with his Mum and my Nana Kitty Botfield.

My late Mother in Law, Jane with my youngest son Jimmy.