“I wondered if hurdlers ever thought, you know, "This would go faster if we just got rid of the hurdles.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

One Week Following Surgery:

The week on St. Helen's ward flew by.  I was making quite the remarkable recovery. Even more remarkable was the fact that I was not suffering any pain. I used the morphine pump for the day of surgery and part of the following morning, but it just made me sleepy and I did not feel as though I needed it. So, I stopped pressing the button in order to try monitoring the level of pain I would have to endure should the morphine  go.  I didn't use the morphine after that. I was given diphene tablets and some paracetamol tablets. I was nervous about possible pain so I took the first diphene given to me, and then later that day the second one. I returned the pills that followed. I was not feeling pain at all. This came as a wonderful surprise as I was told at my pre-op assessment to expect anything from acute to chronic pain. It was this pain that I was nervously waiting to take hold. On day led on to the next and the pain did not arrive. I am not saying that having both your breasts removed is totally pain  free by any means, but different folk have different levels and definitions of pain. This was not pain. This was a slight discomfort. The feeling can only be described as having a tight fitting bra on. For anybody who has had long hair and then had the hair cut considerably shorter, there is a feeling on your head as though you are wearing a hat, your head feels slightly 'odd' after having a drastic hair cut, the same can be said about the feeling after a mastectomy. Well for me that is how it feels. The wounds, stitches and skin feel 'tight'.

By Tuesday the 12th January I was ready to go home, so I was given the once over and finally discharged from hospital. Suzanne picked me up, and gave me a lift to Kilcoole, where I was dropped off to Gerry who was picking Joe and Jim up from school. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Excited to be going home, but nervous as to how I would manage in the long term, not just physically manage at home, but mentally/psychologically/emotionally. So far, even to myself I seemed to be taking things so very well. My breasts had to be taken away from me, granted the right was at my insistence due to the chances of the cancer returning, but had cancer not appeared in the first place, I would still have had my breasts now. The taking away of my breasts would not have arisen at all. It just would not have happened. I said bye to Suzanne and hopped into the car with Gerry and the boys.  We made our way home. I was feeling tired, I was delighted to be with my family, but I was apprehensive of being home, looking after myself coping with my 'new look'. We arrived home. I knew that my job now, was to take things easy, not to stress over things and to rest. You just will not believe how easily it is to become tired, well more like utterly worn out after a simple car journey or walking up a flight of stairs or even making a cup of coffee. Everything is an effort. 

I went into the house, tiredness was setting in and I knew my parents and my sister were due over the following day. They were giving up their time from running their own homes and work to come and look after me, help me settle back at home and to ensure that I was not overdoing things and basically taking time out to make a full recovery. I sat down and chatted to Gerry and the boys, asked how they had managed whilst I was away in hospital and caught up on the news of home and school life. Then I sat back. Gerry and the boys had kept the home tidy, but as I looked around I noted that the polishing of the fire place hadn't been done, that there were clothes out of place, that the dining table had items on it that should not be there, and for some unfathomable reason, it rankled with me. I am not a 'nit picker' when it comes to my home, I love the fact that it is relaxed, that people who call have to take us as they find us. It may be a bit 'lived in' but it's not dirty. There may be a bit of dust but we live life rather than worry about the fact that there is some dust to blow away, but today this was not the case, This was bothering me. It started at the pit of my stomach, and every little thing that I deemed as being either 'out of place' or not up to standard made this rankled feeling grow and grow. I started to become short with Gerry, started to become snappy, started to sweat and grow annoyed, the annoyance became, cross, the cross became angry and then the anger exploded. Why? I do not know! I shouted at how they could have done better, at how they could have at least polished.... What the bloody hell was wrong with me? My husband and two sons had missed me, had hugged me, had welcomed me home and I was acting like an ungrateful old harridan, shouting, demanding and being so unbelievable hateful. This was not me. This was an unreasonable, uncalled for, and unacceptable explosive outburst that upset three of the people I love with all my heart. This was despicable of me. But why? I have tried to analyse this behaviour over the last week. Without making excuses for myself or using cancer as an excuse, I can only put this down to me being angry at having cancer, at cancer disfiguring me, at cancer taking parts of me away, emotionally, psychologically and physically, and me, turning that anger on those that love me. This is the second time an outburst of horrible proportions has occurred. I don't want a third. I have held it together I cannot let cancer create cracks in my relationship with my family. I love them too much to allow it to do that. It has created cracks in my health, halted my career, created cracks in my confidence (although I try and not let these show), has created and increased fears that I had never had, has played hell with my psychological strength. Basically cancer has infiltrated my entire life, stalled the daily march through the 'normality' of what is my life.

Wednesday 13th Jan  (Diane, Mum and Dad Arrive) 

Having profusely apologise to Gerry, Joe and Jim for my explosion last night, I still felt really guilty. I just wanted to cry when each of them individually hugged me and told me that it was OK, that it was all forgotten and that as far as they were concerned it had not happened. It made me want to cry. Gerry took the boys to school and I sat an waited for his return. Gerry came home and we got little bits done around the house. I went through any post that had arrived whilst I was in hospital and dealt with any issues, such as renewing our insurances and motor taxes etc. while Gerry got on with the heavier jobs of changing bedding and hoovering etc. I sat and had a coffee, the house was looking clean and tidy and I was feeling so relaxed. I turned on the television, Gerry had just made his own cup of tea when the door bell rang. It was my family, Mum, Dad and Diane. Unfortunately Roy was holding the fort business wise while Mum and Dad were away so he was unable to make the trip over. There were hugs and kisses all round and more teas were made. Joe and Jim finish school early on a Wednesday so Gerry had to leave to pick them up from Kilcoole. While Gerry went for the boys, I caught up on all the news from home and we laughed and chatted. I was feeling so content at having my parents and sister here with me. Mum and Dad had decided to book into Moneylands and Diane was staying with us.

We were talking about all sorts. Then the subject got onto the operation, so I was telling them all about my op to remove cancer. Whilst mid flow of describing the op and the subsequent results, my mobile phone rang. I looked at the screen and it was Gerry's nephew Darren. I answered the call. The call was one that I was not expecting at all and my blood ran cold at the message. Darren had called to look for Gerry, he could not get hold of him on his phone. I told Darren that Gerry had gone to pick up the boys and that I would tell him to call, but that was something that would not be necessary, Darren informed me that my Mother-in-Law, Jane Murphy had just passed away. I thanked Darren and put the phone down. My next action was to phone Gerry who had arrived at the school and was waiting for the boys to come out of classes. Gerry answered the phone and in his usual cheery and cheeky manner he answered the phone :

"Hello my dear, what can I do for you my darling wife?"
"Gerry, Darren has just phoned, he has been trying to call you. Gerry I am sorry, but it is about your Mum, Gerry she has passed away!"

There was deadly silence on the phone before Gerry replied and told me that he was on his way home. How that man held it together I will never know. His strength at receiving such devastating news was unreal. He and the boys arrived home 45 minutes later. The boys and Gerry were in a slight state of shock. My parents and Diane hugged Gerry and passed on their condolences. Gerry and I attended the nursing home that evening and steps were made to arrange the funeral. Willie Doyle the under taker arrived and all the information was given to me on how to arrange it all. A task that needed doing immediately, as the funeral was to be held that Saturday. Willie had the brochure of coffins with him so one was chosen immediately. That was one job down. Lots to go...

Thursday 14th January

Diane cleaning up Sylvester's vomit

First thing this morning, Sylvester (my handsome cat) welcomed Diane to the house by throwing up his breakfast, I'm so glad Di was there to help, I don't think I could have handled that myself today. Diane must have felt hungry though because at one point I thought she was going to start eating the stuff!

...Today was spent organising the funeral, Readers, Offertory, Memorium, Gospel reading, New Testament Reading, Old testament reading, pall bearers, Prayers of the faithful, Eulogy, Music, songs and singer. Looking for photograph of for Order of service, Proof reading the order of service, correcting the order of service, proof reading second copy of order of service, ordering flowers, meeting with the Parish Priest Fr. Donal Roach, (who, I have to add here is a lovely man), liaising with Willie Doyle (undertaker and another lovely man). I could not have managed to carry out the tasks necessary without the help of Willie, Fr. Donal and also Francis O Connor (my cousin-in-law) Who introduced Willie to us in the first place and she certainly was correct when she told us that Willie, besides being professional, was also a lovely down to earth man who would help us the whole way. Francis also agreed to read in the mass, which was a huge help. All arrangements were now made and my Mother-in-Law was going to have a good send off. Basically, less than 48 hours out of hospital and following major surgery, I had spent the whole day working on organising a funeral. It was mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  All my parents and sister could do was sit, watch and worry that I was overdoing things in such a short time. I could not have agreed more.

Amy also arrived home today, and was picked up from the port by Suzanne. We really would be lost without her help. Suzanne has been an absolute tower of strength and source of help to both Gerry and I during this very emotionally, psychologically, physically and mentally difficult time. Thank you Suzanne.

Friday 15th January

My appointment with Mr Geraghty following my surgery was at 11:00 am today. Once again we went to the hospital for our meeting in what we have now christened 'the cancer room'. Mr Geraghty came in and sat down. His first words were along the lines of 'Elaine, you are now Cancer Free'. Cancer free in the sense that they have cut away all the cancer by carrying out the bilateral mastectomy. They had also removed all the lymph nodes on the left, removing the cancer that infected them too. I will soon see Chemotherapy Oncologist, Dr. Gullo who will discuss whether I will need three milder sessions of chemotherapy or not. I will then have a meeting with Dr Salib in St Luke's, where my radiotherapy sessions will be arranged. I will have five weeks of intensive radiotherapy sessions. I will also be on a tablet for the next five years, with a review after five years and then a tablet for a further five years. Although I am mid treatment, the rest of the treatment to come will be precautionary and preventative measures.... So yes as of now I am Cancer Free, not to mention Boob Free too. A high price to pay for sure!

Mr Geraghty left the room and walked out with Gerry. I was going to have dressings and one of my drains removed. Mr Geraghty introduced himself to my family and hands were shaken and thanks conveyed.

Despite the passing of his Mother, Gerry was like a child who had eaten every blue smarty and skittle in a sweetshop. He was not far of cartwheeling about the place. Cancer Free, Elaine is Cancer free! He was bounding about the place as thought on springs and his smile, happiness, laughter and sheer delight was not only palpable but contagious too.

I had my dressings removed and two of the drains removed. Quite an unpleasant sensation that is for sure, and certainly not pain free.  We left the hospital, I had to sit down for a short while as the drain removal had me feeling a little bit weak. We headed to the car and I rang Amy, Joe and Jim who were waiting to hear from us. We were heading to D'Arcy McGee's for lunch and the children were meeting us there. The same place we attended 15 weeks ago to the day after being told that I had cancer. Basically we were putting a demon to rest here. We all sat and ordered our meals, Gerry was still as high as a kite on happiness. I had my first pint of Guinness since the 2nd October last year, and yes it was delicious. After the meal, Mum went to the hairdressers, Dad was taking her and coming back to take Gerry, myself and the children home to pick up the car.

Gerry and I picked up the car, went to buy roses for the grandchildren to put onto the coffin at the cemetery tomorrow. I had to get them memorium items together for Joe, Jim, Aaron and Barry to carry up and then we had to attend the funeral parlour for a prayer service from 6:00pm - 8:00pm.
At the funeral parlour, I checked that all the flower arrangements had arrived and that everything was in order for tomorrow. So many people arrived to pay their respects. It was lovely to see my colleague Jim O Riordan turn up too. How thoughtful a thing to do. Thank  you Jim. We chatted and soon Jim left. I went to find Gerry and to sit down for a while.

I was starting to feel quite weak and certainly did not want to cause a scene here at the funeral home, after all, I didn't want them getting any ideas and measuring me up for more business, two birds with one stone and all that stuff. I found a seat next to a heater, oh my goodness the cold was getting to me, I mean really freezing to the bone cold. I was shivering beyond belief and my surroundings were starting to look as though they were moving. It was getting harder and harder to hold things together, so as soon as it was announced that the prayers were taking place, I excused myself and remained in my now quiet corner. I had told Gerry that I was feeling a little 'odd' and put it down to the new antibiotics I had taken before leaving the house. I felt as though everything was spinning. Not a good feeling at all. I was chugging classes of water like a lunatic too. God I wish this prayer service would end, and end soon. I needed to get home.

The Amy, Joe and Jim came into the room "Mum what is wrong?" I told them that there was nothing wrong that I was tired and just wanted to get home, Gerry came along and agreed to leave immediately. We said our goodbyes, everything for the funeral was now in place and I could get home. We arrived home in under 20 minutes. I had warned the children not to say anything to Auntie Di or to Nainy and Grandad or they would only worry. They didn't have to say anything. I walked into the room, sat on the chair and went into a super speed decline. My body was tremoring, I had a temp of nearly 41 deg. C. I was unaware of what was going on. I needed taking to the toilet, I needed dressing into PJ's, I needed help to walk and I needed nursing. I was ill, more ill than I have ever felt. My Mum rang St. Anne's ward and were told to get me into hospital immediately. An ambulance arrived and I was taken to hospital. My Sister travelled with me and my parents followed in the car. Gerry and the children remained at home.

At hospital tests were carried out and chest x-ray's taken. I was diagnosed with both pneumonia and sepsis. Initially I was in Resus, we are on first term names there now. Diane stayed with me all night, she stroked my head or my arm, easing me back to sleep, she held the sick bowl for me as I vomited, she held me while I cried. Diane remained with me right up  until she had to leave for the boat the next day. The poor girl had not had a minute of sleep. Thank you Di, you were and are an absolute tower of strength. I love you.

Friday 22nd January

OMG... I look shitty here! 

I was admitted onto St. Luke's ward for two days then moved back onto St Helen's ward. I have been here for a week now and I will be here now until the Sepsis has cleared. I have to keep having needle aspirations (draining of fluid from wound area by needle). There is a build up of fluid that has gone bad. It is supposed to be thin, watery and clear, mine is the consistency of custard, colour of caramel and basically disgusting. I have to have a needle the approximate length of 3 - 4 inches, quite thick inserted into my chest and fluid pulled out. So far there has been 530 mls of fluid drawn out. I am waiting for the nurse to come and do it again as I type. Oh the joy! There is definitely one thing that I have to mention here, and that is that the care and concern of the nurses, carers, and the whole team who look after me is second to none. I have been looked after so well that I just cannot thank everyone here on St. Helen's ward enough.

I heard that the funeral went really well. There was a get together in Phil Healy's afterwards too. This was thankfully organised by Rocky (Seamus) my Brother-in-Law. Three of my colleagues attended the funeral, Carmel, Orla and Geraldine - Thank you ladies, you were fantastic to do that. Gerry and I appreciated that very much.

Well folks, This has been yet another set back in my recovery. How many more setbacks can I take? That I cannot answer, but I will keep fighting. I do get very low and yes I do cry, it is not all positivity and roses. However these times are needed or somewhere along the line I would end up with some sort of breakdown. All I want now is to get my life back, have some sort of 'normality' back in my life, to be free from hospitals, discomfort and ill health. Sure, a small lotto win (enough to pay the mortgage) wouldn't go amiss too, God, if you are listening!