No Matter What Your Belief, Christmas Time is a Time for Everyone to Share Good Times with Family and Friends!

Wednesday 30th December 2013

Week 1 After Stopping Chemo. 

Following my stay in hospital and the stopping of Chemotherapy, I spent the rest of the week trying to make sense of what has occurred. I had developed Neutropenia, which I am sure you will recall from my previous blog, where I spent time venting my spleen in frustration. Just to refresh your memories, Neutropenia is a severe lack of white blood cells and lack of immune system. The result of this was that I was kept in isolation and given copious amounts of antibiotics, fluids and other meds to help to create an immune system and to build up the white cells again in order to make me stronger and less lethargic. I was in hospital from the Friday to the following Tuesday. It was on the Tuesday that I was told that I would no longer be getting chemo as it was basically doing me more harm than good. I was also informed that the surgery would be brought forward. The date would be decided following a meeting with Mr. Geraghty, my surgeon and Eileen, the nurse who is patiently and very kindly, looking after me during this worrying and sometimes stressful time, and myself.  The appointment for Mr Geraghty was for the following Monday - the 21st December.  I would be travelling home to Wales the following Wednesday the 23rd December.  In the meantime, I had to make use of the little time I had left to get ready for Christmas. I was still very weak and walking any distance had me struggling to breath, with my arms and legs feeling like lead weights. However, I had to get my act together. I had never ever been so unprepared for Christmas and it was a stress that only I was putting on myself as I do not like being so ill prepared for anything. 

Tuesday afternoon, Gerry and the boys came to the hospital to visit me. As they walked in I said, "OK lads, don't get comfortable, I am coming home with you now." We were all delighted and I had my bags packed and ready to go. I just had to wait for a prescription for a weeks supply of antibiotics, just to top up what they had given me in hospital. Once the cannula had the port 'attachment' had been removed I was free to go. It was lovely going home with my men and for a short time, leaving the hospital behind.  

Whilst in hospital I had ordered my Mum's Christmas present on line. A beautiful silver family locket. All I had to do now was hope that it arrived before we left for Wales. Over the next five days, I spent the time Christmas shopping with my boys and Gerry. What a contrary lot to buy for... I thought it would get easier as they get older. How wrong was I.  With stocking fillers ranging from deodorants, socks and undies to selection boxes and money, and presents ranging from a range of clothing to speakers, games and more money, I went from Bridgewater in Arklow to Carrickmines, Dundrum and Dublin City Centre. If this rushing round getting gifts didn't wipe me out, then absolutely nothing in this world would.  By Sunday I was fit to drop. All shopping was left taking up all the space in my dining room. Everyone was under threats of painful deaths should they move or touch anything. Wrapping would have to wait for now. Even lifting my little finger was exhausting.  Monday was going to be a non-starter as far as wrapping and packing for my trip was concerned as the whole day was to be spent back at hospital, my second home these days. 

Monday arrived very quickly indeed.  At 11:00 I was in having my bloods taken, from there I went up to see the anaesthetist and had my pre op assessment.  The Nurse took my height and my weight, she went through so many questions and was only short of asking me what colour underwear I was currently wearing.  The anaesthetist came in and went through many of the same questions. He also explained how I would be having a full general anaesthetic and would be on a morphine pump following surgery.  He went on to explain all about pain management. I then asked if I was to expect to be in a lot of discomfort following the surgery. I was told that I would be in acute pain to chronic pain and that this cold go on for some time, most of it depending on how I reacted to the operation and how my own body responded and healed following surgery. Well at least he was honest and did not wrap it up in any shape or form. Following my meeting with the anaesthetist, I then went for lunch, as I had an hour before my meeting with Mr Gerghaty. I lined up in the coffee shop and ordered a roll, a muffin and a hot chocolate. I carried them to my seat and found that I was shaking quite a lot. Something that I don't usually do. I put it down to being hungry.  I ate my food and yet I still felt shaky and quite unnerved.  I had thought of nothing but how I was going to manage with the pain following my op.  I have had both my hips replaced over the years. I am hoping that I will heal just as quickly after the mastectomy as I did with my hip replacements. Focusing on the pain will not help me so diverting my train of thought is going to be a necessity or I will be running for the hills on the day of my operation. At 1:45 I headed up to the 'cancer room' (I have given this room that name as it is where I was given my diagnosis three months ago). Mr Gerghaty was perfectly on time. I went and sat at the table and we got down to discussing how my treatment was going to continue now the chemotherapy was at an abrupt end. It went without say that the surgery was being brought forward. The first available date was Tuesday the 5th January 2016. Well I suppose the sooner it is carried out the sooner it is all over. I said yes to that date. I was given the option to go and think about it and that the following week of the 12th would also be an option. "No thank you, the 5th is grand thanks!" was my reply to that. Mr Geraghty then informed me that following a meeting with his colleagues, he was bound to have to inform me that there were other options to my surgery, having the left done first and coming back to have the right a month or so down the line.... "Sod that for a game of marbles... why would I want to put myself through this ordeal twice?"  It was explained about the fact that it is major surgery, that I would be in pain etc. also reconstruction, would I not be better off having reconstruction rather than nothing at all...???? Why? If I ever have a proverbial 'bang on the head' I could go off for cosmetic surgery but no thank you... I'm quite happy to have the mastectomy and leave it at that. Reconstruction is an ordeal in itself and I am putting myself through as few ordeals as is necessary.

"Well Elaine, you are one very determined lady, will you at least think about having the op in two parts?" 

"Of course I will Mr Geraghty" :)

"Oh that is good" 

At this point Mr Geraghty stood to leave...

"Mr Geraghty, I have thought about it!"

He looked at me with a mildly stunned/amused look on his face and returned to his seat...

"I will not have the op in two parts, I will have just one operation as I never want to go through this again!"

In all fairness, he laughed threw his hands up in the air and said that, that was fine he smiled and we signed off on the op, a bilateral mastectomy with all left lymph nodes to be removed and the port above the right breast removed. All this to happen on the 5th Jan 2016. I was asked if I had anymore questions. Of course I did ;)
Firstly I asked if Mr Geraghty was confident and happy to carry out the full operation and why did he feel it necessary to ask me to change my mind?
Mr Geraghty is more than happy to carry out the full op and that it was merely due to 'formality' that he had to go through any other options available to me.
Secondly, Would it please be possible to leave me as neat and flat as possible, as I had seen images and one 'live' person post mastectomy and the lumps both above and below the scaring not only made the person look like her chest was smiling at me, but made her look like she had been put together with play-doh.  Now that is something I really do not want.  I was assured that because it was a total mastectomy, I would not have any lumps at all but everything would be taken to the muscle and I would be left neat and 'flat'. Well now I can look forward to the full recovery and have a large canvass for my tattoo artist to fill in a year or so time. Lots of time to save for a true masterpiece.
Mr  Geraghty commended me on my attitude from the start of our first meeting up to now. I guess it is a good job he cant see inside my head and my heart.
I left the hospital feeling a range of emotions achievement, confidence, sadness and a bit of fear. In fact, I'm not really sure which was the dominant feeling that day.

Getting Ready for Christmas

Tuesday arrived, considering I'm supposed to be taking things easy, I had a mammoth couple of jobs to get on with today. Gerry was heading out with Joe to put a wreath on his father's grave and to visit his mother before Christmas.  He was also going to do other 'bits and pieces' around the town. Jimmy and I, in the meantime started to wrap all the presents. That took a couple of hours to do. I then had to  go to the bank pay the mortgage, change Euros to Pounds Sterling, nip to the credit union, go and buy cat food for Sylvester as he would be being cared for by our neighbours. Bronco would be coming with us to Wales as my Sister and Brother-in-Law are fostering him until I am 100% better and can walk him and go swimming in the sea with him once again.  I then returned home to start packing. Everybody had prepared all their clothes for the trip. Joe and Jim packed their clothes and I packed mine and Gerry's.  Jim was also preparing for a party he was going to this evening.  Gerry was staying up as he was picking Jim up at 11:00 pm. By 9:00pm I was fit to drop. I set the alarm as we would be leaving the house by 5:30 am the next morning. My head hit the pillow and I was out like a light.

The alarm went off as planned. I had set it a bit earlier as I wanted to get the car packed with as little fuss as possible. I washed, brushed my teeth, dressed and headed down stairs. Gerry did likewise. He headed to the kitchen and prepared tea and toast for all who wanted it. I, in the meantime, packed the car. There was quite a concern as to how we were going to get everything and everyone  in the car. There were three cases (well two cases and a large sports bag), laptop bags x 2 and presents to beat the band. Thankfully, I am an excellent 'Tetris' player and the car was packed without a problem, leaving room for Bronco,  Gerry and the Boys.  This was done in very quick time. Joe had woken, completed his ablutions, dressed and joined Gerry in the kitchen, while Jimmy was still out for the count upstairs. Having woken him three times, I was now getting rather fed up. That is the last time anyone parties before travelling the next day. In the end, it was a case of screaming up the stairs and threatening to leave him behind that made him leap out of bed, dress in a hurry and dash downstairs. We set off bang on time. The journey to the port was event free and before we knew it we were on board and ready to head home to Wales to spend Christmas with my family. The first time we would all be together for the festive season in 16 years. I could not wait.  The sailing was a little choppy but this made for an interesting crossing. Naturally, Rip Van Winkle slept the entire crossing.

We docked just on lunchtime. We returned to the car and prepared to disembark. I was so excited to be heading home. The road was fairly clear and the journey took us just over an hour. I pulled up outside Mum and Dad's house. I saw a young woman bounding down the steps to come and greet us. It was Amy, my daughter. For a split second I did not recognise her as she had not straightened her hair and instead sported beautiful long wavy hair. Naturally not liked by Amy, but I thought she looked beautiful. I had the most amazing hug from Amy. We clambered into the house to be greeted with big hugs from my Parents, Sister, Brother-in-law, niece and nephew . It was great to see everyone. Bronco was in his element as he was being made such a fuss of.  A short while later we unpacked the car and put all gifts under the tree. Bags were taken up to the bedrooms and we all settled into my family home. This was going to be our home for the next two weeks. Two weeks I prayed would not fly by. I took Bronco in the car up to my Sister and Brother-in-Laws house a little later on. He was made so welcome and seemed to settle as though he had been living there all his life. This was excellent to see for Bronco, but quite sad for myself. I am going to miss him a lot as he is my daily companion.

Christmas Eve, we all prepared different parts for the Family meal the next day. There were to be 15 around our table this year. Diane and Richard Prepared carrots, parsnips and Richard made the stuffing balls and pigs in blankets, Roy and Fran prepared the sprouts and broccoli, Mum had the ham and Turkey cooking and we both prepared the potatoes, four bags of potatoes. Peeling them was a nightmare. I have now vowed that the only spuds eaten in my house in future will still have their skins on. My hands and fingers felt like they were going to drop off from all that peeling and cutting. Joe and Jim set the Christmas table under Mum's directions, no mean feat trying to set a table for 15, however they did a great job of it.  Dad and Gerry went for a couple of pints and we settled down that evening to chat and watch Christmas T.V.

Yeeeeehaaaaaa...... Christmas morning arrived.  We were all downstairs by 8:00 am. Presents were opened up and everybody was happy with their gifts. We laughed and chatted. It was toast all round as a big breakfast was out of the question with the banquet that would be eaten later on in the day. I had decided that today I would be wearing my red dress. I washed and dressed. I left the house at 10:00 am to go to Mass. I was heading down on my own. I entered the Church, St. Joseph's in Colwyn Bay. I had to push myself as I was currently having issues with my God.  Issues of doubt, anger, disillusionment and frustration. In fact, he has been receiving the brunt of my hurt and sheer anger over the last number of weeks. Yet here I was, celebrating Christmas, his birthday, the least I could do was head on down to see if I could find and recover some of my faith.  After mass I went up and lit candles, candles for the sick, the lonely, mine and Gerry's families and for my friends and their families.  I left the church feeling a lot 'lighter' in myself. Feeling less angry and feeling that little light in my heart. Hopefully, over the next while that will increase, and one day I will find, restore and feel the love and faith I once had for the God I always  used to pray to.

Mum using Jimmy's headset
to play 'pilots'

By around 12 (ish) the whole family arrived down. More presents were swapped and the 'Christmas Magic' of seeing my two nieces open up their gifts and believing in Santa was brilliant. Richard went straight to the kitchen where he helped Mum to finish off preparing the feast. Personally I stayed out of the way as my philosophy is that of the proverb 'too many cooks spoil the broth', well that is my excuse anyway. Before long the dinner was served and we all took our places around the table. Mum had even prepared place names so that there could not be any arguing among the youngsters as to where they were sitting. It was all organised with military precision and the food was superb. Having us all together for Christmas Day was just fantastic. After lunch we all helped to tidy up and then gathered back around the table for fun and games. Pictionary was taken out and the laughter we had over that was fantastic. This was followed by a mad round of 'Don't show Keith your Teeth'.  Now personally I had never heard of this before. It is a game created by Keith Lemon. Fran and Roy explained how it was played. Well Holy God! all I can advise anyone wishing to play this game is to firstly build up you facial muscles, both to withstand the face pulling needed to play the game and the muscles needed to cope with the hysterical laughter that ensues. Secondly have all your teeth removed, you will find that you will win hands down if you do this. Thankfully I chose not to take photographs during this frivolity, I think posting any would have me seriously lambasted. The evening drew to and end and my Sister, Brother and their families made their way home. We would all be meeting up again at Diane and Richard's tomorrow, St. Stephen's Day. Another day of  food, fun and laughter to look forward to.


By Sunday I was starting to 'wilt' slightly. All the excitement of the past two days was catching up with me. This afternoon I had my Uncle Bill, Auntie Julie and cousin Susanne coming up to see me. Dad, Gerry, Roy and Richard were meeting up in the Marine for some male bonding time. Diane and I were heading to Llandudno as we had to take a phone back due to the fact it was not working properly. I got into Diane's car and we went merrily on our way, we had driven a mile or so when a voice in the back spoke to me, my heart nearly leapt out of my chest. Katie, my niece was sitting behind me. I hadn't realised that she was in the car when I got in. She was also wearing the MAC lipstick that I had bought her for Christmas. We picked up her boyfriend Sam and continued our journey to Llandudno.  The shop changed the phone immediately without a quibble. We returned home and My Uncle, Aunt and Cousin arrived at half past two. It was lovely to see them all.  It has been quite a while since we last saw each other. My Uncle Bill gave me such a lovely hug and then told me that he had a piece of Wales for me to take back to Ireland with me. Uncle Bill is great with wood. He had made me a beautiful trinket box, the lid was made from a tree that had been cut down at the end of his road, and the bowl was made from a tree that had been cut down in the woods at Grwych Castle.  It is so beautiful and will take pride of place on my mantle piece at home. Uncle Bill, Aunty Julie and Susanne left at three o'clock, by four o'clock, I headed up to my bed where I instantly fell asleep for a couple of hours for a much needed rest. By half past six that evening I was gently woken up and went downstairs. Dad and Gerry were still in the Marine, Amy was getting ready for a night out with her friends and Mum and I relaxed and chatted. At quarter past seven, Mum and Amy headed off to pick up Dad and Gerry. The doorbell rang,  my  boys answered the door, there were the two men, Dad and Gerry,  with Dad singing carols on the top of his voice as he came in through the front door. It was great to see that he had had such a good time.  We then found out that Dad and Gerry were the 'last men standing' with Richard having gone home to go to a party and Roy having gone home with Ifor as guests had called to his home.  I am not sure, but it is uncertain as to whether  Cor Meibion will be signing Dad up for next years carol service... lol ...

Amy, Diane, Katie, Jim and Ella

Monday arrived and it is as though all the energy and life had been totally sucked out of me.  I was so tired all day that simply moving was exhausting. I spend the day doing absolutely nothing. At three, I actually had to go back to bed where I slept for nearly three hours. Gerry woke me up so that I would be able to sleep through the night. I came downstairs and sat with my family for a while, before heading back to bed. The whole effort of just breathing seemed like too big a task. Where in the name of God was all this exhaustion coming from. I just hoped that tomorrow would be much better and that I would be fully rested and back to my 'normal' self.  My secret worry was that this was a relapse of last week. I so hoped not.

Tuesday was totally different.  I now know it was just pure exhaustion from the busy time we had had over Christmas and St. Stephen's Day. The fun, the laughter and the sheer joy and excitement of being back home with my family had worn me out. Today I felt energised and ready to face the day. I came downstairs and hugged my Mum who was  more than a little upset worrying about me and the level of tiredness the day before.  Mum too was worried that this was a relapse of Neutropenia. Her worry was that she would not be able to look after me if I became ill. Dad was there with Mum and also concerned.  This blasted cancer, the ripple effect of it is devastating. There is nothing worse than seeing the hurt and pain that others, especially your parents, siblings, husband and children go through because of the effects this terrible illness has on you. Their fears are palpable. I hugged Mum, really held her close and told her that I was going to be alright, that after the surgery I should really be cancer free, all going well. But there is always that fear, that uncertainty at the back of your mind and the minds of others. But as you do, you put on a brave face, assure each other that all will be OK, because in all honesty there is nothing much else that you can do.

Gerry and I took the boys and headed off to Conwy for the morning, we strolled through the town and I admired the beauty of it all. We stood outside the smallest house and marvelled at the medieval quay and the castle walls. We popped into the small shops and bought books and 'nik naks' to take home with us. We then headed to Llandudno where we stopped for lunch in the Albert and went to HMV. Box sets were bough along with CD's. We headed back to the car and made our way home. The evening was spent relaxing and chatting. After all the fresh air, I went up to bed earlier than usual and had a good night sleep. Wednesday was a cinema day with Mum, Dad, Andrew, Gerry, Amy, Joe, Jim and myself going to see Heart of the Sea. A film I want to get when it is out on DVD. I strongly recommend it.

Today it is New Years Eve. We have been out shopping and have stocked up on beverages for tonight. I have had a lovely afternoon nap so that I have the energy to stay up for the celebrations, Amy came into my room and snuggled up with me. It was lovely as my beautiful daughter and I don't often get to have a cuddle, we had some us time where we shared our concerns and worries, but also had some laughter too.  We will all be heading to my Brother's house where we will be seeing in the New Year. Andrew has planned a large firework display for us to see in the New Year (God help the neighbours). All I wish for now, is that 2016 is a much better  year for many of us who have found 2015 an utter challenge with a lot of heartbreak, ill health and financial worry. I wish peace and harmony, love and joy, health and wealth for all my family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and to all of  you who are following my blog. I especially wish all this to Suzanne Deegan and her family who tragically lost their Mother Maura to Cancer earlier this year, and to Deirdre Keating and her family who lost her Father. In five days I face extensive surgery, I pray that I have the strength to cope both mentally and physically with what lies ahead, I pray that this next year finds me cancer free,  I pray that I am brave enough to face all outcomes after all what will be will be!

Celebrate safely my friends and Have a Happy New Year.

A few photos from out Christmas Day.

Andrew and I 

My beautiful blanket hand made
by my amazing sister Diane.

Relaxing after the fun and laughter

More relaxing 

Yummy 

Gerry and two of my nieces

My Sister  Diane And I 

Merry Christmas 

Once You Replace Negative Thoughts With Positive Ones, You'll Start Having Positive Results - Willie Nelson

Chemo 3: Week 2 and 3

I remained in hospital for a total of 4 days and went home on the evening of the 5th day. I had only been given a decent room the morning of the day I left. Prior to that I was in an isolation room in A&E. I could not fault the care of the nurses either in A&E or up on St Helen's ward. I had more bloods taken from me than you would find in a blood bank. The most unpleasant being that taken from my port. Having that port pierced each time is quite uncomfortable and the fact that my port is placed at a slight angle makes it difficult for the nurses to access and they often need to try a second or third time. Although unpleasant it is not totally unbearable, however the poor nurses get more distressed over it than I do, feeling the need to constantly apologise then giving up and seeking out a colleague to have a go instead. The sooner this bloody port is removed the better. It has been a source of discomfort since it was inserted. 

I had made myself comfortable in my new room,  and was just watching the launch of a space rocket from one of the desserts, when in walked Dr Gullo, Prof. Crown and three other doctors. I turned off the television and shook hands with my 'guests'.  It was explained to me by Dr. Gullo that basically the chemotherapy was attacking me just as much, if not more than the cancer itself.  That it had killed all my white cells and rendered me without an immune system. He explained that this was a potentially life threatening occurrence. He went on to state that on the Friday that I was admitted, I was a seriously ill woman. 

I was asked how I came to attend the hospital on the Friday. I explained how I had attended in the morning for a routine '10th day' blood test. This had been requested as I was off meds for the regenerating of white cells due to the fact that I had had two previous 'nasty' incidents, as I am sure you will recall from my earlier blogs.  The bloods were taken and the results sent to the Oncology department once they had been tested.  In the mean time, I had left the hospital, picked up my boys from school, taken them out for lunch, dropped Jim to his dad for work and then finally driven home with Joe. I must admit, I felt quite weak and tired, and home I thought I would never get. The second I put the key in the door, stepped into the house, my phone rang. It was the hospital requesting I return due to me being Neutropenic. I returned and was admitted into hospital. 

Dr. Gullo repeated how 'serious' this was. It did come as a huge surprise as I merely felt weak and lethargic, not unwell or ill in any manner. I was asked when my last chemo was and when my fourth was due. I said that it was due on the 23rd. I asked if it was still going to go ahead. Absolutely No Way. It was clear that chemo was not working with me but against me. Although the tumour feels a little 'softer' it does not appear to have shrunken significantly. I would be interested in finding out how the two deeper tumours have managed with the chemo onslaught. Hopefully it has had a much bigger effect on them, they are far too close to my chest bone for my liking.  So, if chemo is not going to continue, what is? Mr Gullo stated that they would be bringing my surgery forward, as soon as possible. I looked at Prof. Crown, 

"and tell me..." I asked, "... will having surgery half way through chemo remove the cancer as effectively and efficiently as it would have been had I had the full course of chemo?"

It was explained that there was no significant proof that having chemo before surgery was more effective than having it after surgery. That although chemo has not agreed with me now, there is a chance I may have three sessions of a 'milder' chemo once surgery is over. I will also be having approximately 5 or 6 weeks of radiotherapy in St. Luke's Hospital in Dublin. I asked a couple of questions about when surgery would be taking place, would I still be able to go home for Christmas?, but the big one was...

"Will I be cancer free after surgery?...

Naturally the last question could not be answered. There are no promises, I was told... Again!  Theoretically I should be, it is a waiting game then, and after five years I should be given the all clear.  It is quite unreal as to just how much that effects  your thoughts, your plans, your whole damned life.  A deadly waiting game.... Will I be clear of cancer?, won't I be clear of cancer?... I would have more precise answers by ripping the petals off a daisy.... 

The team said goodbye and off they went. Another doctor popped her head in and said that she would be writing me out a prescription for more antibiotics and all being well I could go home that evening. All did go well and I left the hospital with Gerry, Joe and Jim at 5pm. 

The following morning Jim and I decided to go and do some very late Christmas shopping. We headed to both Carrigmines and Dundrum. We took our time, sat when I felt 'weak' and went for lunch together. After two shops in Dundrum, I asked Jim if he wanted to look anywhere else. 

"No Mum" he said, "But you are looking tired so we are going to go to the car!"

I am so lucky to have such caring children, he didn't give a thought to the shoes he wanted to look at, or to strolling around going from one shop to another. He cared about Me, His Mum.... Thanks Jimster. We made our way back to the car, climbed in and sat a while before starting the journey home.  We headed off and chatted as we drove. When we arrived in Kilmacanogue I pulled into the petrol station and asked Jimmy to nip into the shop for a bottle of cold water, and for whatever drink he wanted. Off he went. It was while he was in the shop that my mobile phone rang. 

"Hi Elaine, it is Eileen here from the breast clinic, I am phoning you to ask you to come in on Monday at 11:00 for blood tests and an ECG, you will then see the anaesthetist and have your pre-op assessment. At two you will see Mr Gerghaty who will go through the whole operation with you." 

I was asked if I was OK with having the bilateral mastectomy on the one day or if I wanted to consider having part of the job done and going back later for the second half to be done.... Not a hope in Hell... the whole lot gone in one go, I wasn't going to put myself through this again. I was asked how I was feeling... I wanted to say;

"How Am I Feeling?  How am I bloody feeling? How do you think I am feeling? Yippee Paaarrrtttaaayyyyy people.... I'm going to have my breasts removed.... Fan... fkn....tastic... is how I am feeling right now!" 

However I responded in a more professional manner ... 'Yes' to all who know me... a more professional manner (OK you can pick yourselves up off the floor now)...

"Well Eileen, I really don't know how to answer that question, How am I supposed to feel? yes a bit nervous but in reality, I just have to go with the flow, because there is very little I can do about it now, this is all part of the process and I have to accept this.  I will tell you Eileen, that I am concerned about getting lymphodema (sp) with having the lymph nodes removed from my left armpit. Is there any way that only the infected nodes can be removed and then there will still be a 'drainage' system that will stop lymphodema occurring?"

It was at this point that I found out further information, that during my MRI it was not only one or two lymph nodes that highlighted as being cancerous, but quite a number of them. That meant that all the lymph nodes on that side will have to be removed to ensure that the cancer does not travel anywhere else.  Well that was nice to find out!  How good is that? how do I know that this poxy thing hasn't already travelled? Why can they not tell you all this information when you are at the consultations instead of springing it on you like a surprise gift.... "Hey guess what, You could be up shit creek with the lymph node issue.... blah blah blah!" I was told that surgery could go ahead on the 5th January, but if I wanted more time to think it could happen on the 12th. No, the 5th is grand, the sooner now the better. My concern being that now the chemo has stopped this aggressive form of breast cancer might just realise that it is no longer under attack and decided to grow a little bit more. I know I have been told that it shouldn't as I have had 50% of the treatment. However, let us look back over the past couple of months. In reality, everything that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. If there has been a way for the 'shit to hit the fan', I have found it. 'Murphy's Law' has certainly been alive and well in my life. 

I entitled this blog as follows: Once  you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results. This was a quote by Willie Nelson. 

I have thought positively, I have acted positively, I have been told to continue to be positive! Anyone reading this might want to think twice before asking or telling me to be or to think positively ever again... because quite frankly, that is positively a load of old bollox. 

I have done nothing but be positive, I will not start thinking negatively, I will just merely continue. That is Continue to live my life, continue to be Mum, Wife, Elaine, Lainey. I will continue to have fun, to laugh and to just be me. I will continue to fight this cancer, So please don't think by telling me to be positive will earn  you my friendship, respect or anything else... It will however ignite a spark that might cause something not dissimilar to a nuclear explosion,  and It could result in a lost tooth or two. 

In the meantime Willie Nelson stick your quote up your chocolate wing wang!!! 

The 'L' in my Luck, has been replaced with an 'F'!

Chemo 3 week 2

After the third chemo, followed by a wonderful trip to Budapest, then a week just generally relaxing after my travels I was happy to be home, but feeling rather weak and lethargic. Something I had put down to mere tiredness.  This week I had also been feeling very low indeed.  Personally, I am wondering if it is just truly hitting me that I actually have cancer, Yes.... me.... I have cancer.  It affects so many people on a daily basis, but right now, this cancer is affecting me. I have been feeling very tearful. On Tuesday the weather was awful, Gerry drove the boys to school and I went with him. From school, we went to a little cafe for a tea and a hot chocolate. We sat at the table and discussed Christmas. Gerry asked me a question, I can't recall what it was right now, but as I went to answer him, a quiet sob escaped and tears flowed down my cheeks. Thankfully the cafe was empty and we were alone, because all at once I had a dreadful feeling of  utter loneliness and  fear. My heart actually felt like it was about to break apart.  It was a good thing we were out, because had we been at home, I would have just broken down completely. For the first time I wanted to shout, cry, scream and kick the stuffing out of something, maybe even someone (only I'd go to jail for that). Gerry looked at me,

"Oh Elaine, What is wrong, what has happened?"

"I am so frightened, I don't want to die, I don't want to leave you, our children, my family, Gerry, I am so terribly scared!"

Gerry held my two hands across the table, his eyes filled with tears and as he squeezed my hands and  struggled to say 

"Oh Honey, You are going to be alright, you are not going to die. We, us two together and all your family and friends are fighting this with you. You are going to be OK!"

I felt all 'snuffly' and in all honesty quite stupid. I had not envisaged that happening. Yes I have been low and my thoughts have been getting somewhat darker, but to just cry like that - well it bothered me. We gathered ourselves together, finished off our drink and returned to the car. We drove home, Gerry holding my hand the whole way. This moment, these feelings had hit me like a hammer. Yes I have talked about positive thought, yes I have vowed and still do vow to beat this, yet this dreadfully bleak feeling slammed me to the floor emotionally.  I felt drained beyond belief and so very tired. 

I settled onto the sofa, Gerry did things around the house. I slept. At two thirty, Gerry said that he was going to go and fetch the boys. I remained dozing on the sofa. I was just so tired. 

The rest of the week passed with my emotions swinging from euphoric one minute to feeling as low as a snakes belly the next. A second bout of 'depression' for want of a better word, overcame me again on the Wednesday evening and I just wanted to be with my Mum and Dad. I rang home and just cried on the phone. I didn't really know why I was crying or what was wrong, I just knew that right now, I was worried that I was beginning to 'crack up'. I needed to pull myself together. 

After having had reactions to the white blood cell stimulating meds following chemo one and two, this time it was decided to try me without the meds. Perhaps it was a case that my white cells are strong and don't need the boost. In doing this, I had to have a 10 day check on my bloods. 

Friday morning I set off to take the boys to school. I don't really know how to describe how I felt, I was 'muzzy' headed, I felt like I had lead boots on my feet and even raising my arms to hold the steering wheel felt like I was weight lifting. Dear lord, I was feeling unbelievably drained. Never the less, I drove the boys to school. They would be finishing at half 12 today so a quick trip to the hospital for the blood tests and I would come back to the school and wait for my two lads.  I noticed that I had to concentrate more on the road, focusing even seemed difficult. I thought to myself 'I don't think that I should actually be driving today!' We arrived safely at Kilcoole and the boys hopped out and went into the building. I pulled out of the school grounds and started to make my way through the village of Kilcoole. I managed to get as far as the Topaz filling station, before I started to become extremely light headed. I decided to pull in. I managed to get myself together and decided to turn around, there was no way I was going to be able to drive all the way to St Vincents hospital in this condition. I returned to the school and parked in the car park.  One of my son's teachers, came and sat in the car  to keep me company whilst I contacted a good friend of mine who picked me up and brought me to the hospital to have my bloods done.  Blood taken, a quick snack and fluids and I was back in Kilcoole before I knew it.  I felt quite a lot better and 'awake' at this stage so felt that driving home would not be a problem. 

We called into Wicklow Town, as Jim was working with his dad this afternoon. First 'port of call' though was to 'Jailers Rest' where I was treating the boys to a lunch. We entered the very busy cafe/restaurant. Joe ordered the soup, Jim a panini and I ordered the wrap. Both the wrap and panini came with side salad and chips, far more than my digestive system can handle at the moment. Joe enjoyed his soup and Jim ploughed through his panini and sides. I ate half of my wrap. I looked at Joe and Jim, OK guys you can share out what I have here, I just cant manage it. Not only could I not eat it, but chemo really does affect your taste buds. Everything from a sip of water to the most wonderful meal you can imagine tastes like shite. It is as though it is just a texture coated in oil with a very 'metallic' after taste. In a word PUTRID! Jimmy had enough with his lunch, so Joe finished off mine for me. I had a hot chocolate that I was sipping on, the boys opted for water.... I'm drinking that much water these days, I am a 'hair's breadth' away from morphing into a puddle. I asked the boys if they wanted desert. Joe preferred a hot chocolate, however he was also eyeing up the 'Death By Chocolate' too. Jim was without a doubt going for the 'Death by Chocolate', So I ordered two portions plus the hot chocolate. Why not? It is not as though it is an everyday occurrence. They boys loved it. We finished up and paid for our meal. It was time to get Jimmy over to Gerry. We returned to the car and I called up Gerry. 

"You wait there hon, I will come over to the car park and pick him up"

That was good, it saved me from having to drive around Wicklow Town looking for him.  As we sat and waited, I could feel that awful feeling of weakness coming over me again. I wound down the window for air and just tried to relax. Gerry arrived, took Jimmy and Joe and I took the slower coast road home. It seemed like a long journey. I could not wait to get home and relax. What the heck was happening to me? 

We pulled onto our driveway. Joe took the bags and I opened the front door. The second my foot entered the doorway, my phone rang. I answered it. It was Niamh, the nurse from the oncology department. 

"Hi Elaine, Naimh here. I am ringing you with your blood results. Elaine you are Neutropenic, your white cells and immune system are 0.1.  I am sorry to have to tell you but you are going to have to come back to the hospital. How are you feeling right now?"

I explained the lethargy, the weakness and the low feelings. It was explained to me how the chemotherapy had attacked the white cells and how I was now in danger of something as simple as the common cold causing my terrible complications. Back to the hospital it was. I was too late to be admitted onto St Anne's Ward and had to present myself to A&E. After about an hour and a half, sitting among people who were coughing, spluttering and damned near choking to death on phlegm (yes I was nearly throwing up at the sounds and in fear I was going to now be put at risk by one lurgy or another) I was taken into triage and straight into Resus. The reason I was put into resus, was that I was now presenting with an elevated temperature, an infection, elevated heart rate and Neutropenic - all this without even talking about the cancer. Once all tests were done, bloods taken, lots of antibiotics given via drip. I was moved to an isolation room on A&E. I was told that this is where I would remain until a bed became available in the main body of the hospital, preferably in the Oncology department. However It is not just the bed, It is a bed in a single room, because until all white cell counts are up and my immune system restored I will be kept in isolation.  

Gerry brought the boys to visit me yesterday (Saturday) Well, Holy God and all his angels and saints help us... The bed I have isn't the best. The backrest is quite awkward and your either bolt upright or at a 45 degree angle. Which, when all your joints including your head and neck feel like ton weights being at a 45 degree angle without pillows to prop up your head makes it hard to relax. My back was aching so I asked Gerry and the Boys to lower the back of the bed. Oh Yes, I am sure you can all imagine, after all some hospital beds require a degree in mechanics to operate. At this request Gerry immediately hopped up and bounded to the furthest corner away from me

"No bloody way am I touching that bed, knowing my luck I'll catapult you out through the wall!" 

He stood like a chastised child in the corner with his hands pinned behind his back, in case they took on a life form of their own and decided to help...  Joe did likewise. 

"Don't worry Mam, I will help you!" said Jim

Of course, between the four of us, it did not occur to us to simply ring the bell and ask for a nurse. Ah no... that would make things far to easy. Jimmy looked at the bed... 

"Well there are a couple of peddles here, do you think I should press them?"

Son, just go ahead and try them all, what can possibly go wrong? Jimmy started to press one peddle... well the bed gentle started to rise, it continued to rise nearly another two feet to its original height, I told Jim that it was OK to take his foot off the peddle now. That I really did not want the bed to be too high.  Gerry looked quite panicked,

"Oh God, the nurse is going to come back in and think she has shrunk a few foot... "

This did little to help matters as we were now all giggling like naughty children. It was time for Pedal number two.  There was an unholy clatter as the bed dropped like a stone and felt like it had crashed into the floor. I have never had such a fright or seen Gerry, Joe and Jim jump and scream in fright, in the manner in which they did which was very swiftly followed by absolute hysterical laughter. I was helpless. In fact I can honestly say that I nearly wet myself. A nurse popped her head in and quickly popped back out shutting the door. Still the back of the bed had not lowered. At this point, none of us could actually speak. Every time we went to say something we would start this laughter all over again. It was unbelievable. In fact, I am quite sure that patients on trolleys outside my room must have been thinking 'what the hell are they giving that one a room for, there is feck all wrong with her....!!!' 

Did we give up... NO, Jimmy was at this point doubled over with hysterics and in all honesty worried about touching any other lever so  Gerry decided to be brave, found another lever, the back dropped ever so fast and as my pillow was at my lower back I went swiftly from sitting upright to nearly doing the crab walk, more hysterics ensued. This was just what I needed. My mad lot around me making me laugh tears of joy like only they can. 

It is Sunday today. I am typing this blog from my hospital bed. Gerry and my boys are due to arrive shortly, Yes, it does feel like my 'L' in Luck has changed to an 'F'. But just like my Guys didn't give up on fixing the bed, I'm not going to give up on battling and beating this cancer. I know I am going to have low times and awful thoughts, I just have to stop them from taking over. I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. I am, I'm resting. Building up my energy for my trip home.  Ah my guys have just arrived. 

FEAR - has two meanings: Forget Everything And Run... OR... Face Everything And Rise, The Choice is YOURS!

Chemo 3 - 50% of the way to end of Chemo.

Today started off quite differently heading off for chemo. You see, as I have previously mentioned, I had something quite exciting to look forward to, the excitement and expectation of my weekend coming up was something to focus on and take my mind off the needles, chemo and cancer in general.  I was leaving the house this morning packed for a few days away, so coming with me to chemo was my suitcase, passport and hand luggage, all in preparation for four days away with 7 other women who have become friends through friends, if you get my meaning. First and foremost was the stop at St Anne's ward in St. Vincent's Hospital.  So body of mine, off to battle we go! 

Gerry and the boys waved Suzanne and myself off at approximately 8:00 am. I was dropped at the hospital and settled in for the rest of the day. Today the nurses were going to try and administer the chemotherapy through the port that had been inserted into me some five weeks previously. As you will recall, this port was not able to be used the last time here as there was far too much bruising and extensive swelling around it. I was really hoping that today would be more successful. I checked in at the receptions and was called through shortly afterwards.  I went into the treatment room and took my seat. Julie was looking after me today. She was very friendly and put me at ease. She looked at the area where the port is situated and took out all the necessary 'bits and pieces' to attach me up to the chemo drip via said port. The aim of the  port is to have the chemotherapy administered directly into a main vain without having to have the discomfort of the cannula inserted each time if  you have weak veins and if those weak veins have a tendency to collapse. That can be quite painful, and a tad frightening when the chemo leaks out... YIKES! 

The needle that goes into the port is much shorter than that of the cannula that is inserted into your arm or back of the hand etc, however it is also quite thicker. Having a cannula inserted is not too bad in all reality. The needles are quite thin and there is minor discomfort. The skin in the area is also 'hardier'. The skin where the port is situated is like a membrane. It appears thinner and more sensitive and it is pierced by a shorter and much thicker needle. I was not expecting the initial discomfort, as my personal interpretation of having a port inserted meant that it would be taking those discomforts away. How wrong was I? ... Anyway I am digressing, The port area was cleaned and the needle pushed in (not unlike a thumb tack) into the button shape centre of the port. Now, what is supposed to happen is a flow of blood from the port down into the tubing that attaches to the chemo drip. This is an indication that the port is working and that the main vein has been accessed. Did this blood make an appearance? ... We are talking about me here... You guessed it..... No it did not! This was something of a concern to the nurse, who decided that a cannula would need to be inserted into the underside of my left forearm, this area being chosen as there was not a sign of another accessible vein to be found.  Once again, the digging around with the needle to find a vein began. After a while and feeling very concerned about me, my nurse sought the help and advise of another nurse. Another came over followed by another. The third nurse said "Hi Elaine, now what is happening with this port, Why is it not being used?" I smiled and laughed and told the nurse that I had no idea. Once again very friendly she said, "Well I am going to try to access it, in fact I will get it working, this is my area of expertise!" I recalled the last attempt and could feel the beads of sweat quickly forming over my forehead, under my armpits and across the top of my head, worse still these could be seen by all now that I have no hair to cover it. I took a tissue and discreetly wiped my head and face while the nurse prepared all the parts needed for this job. All too soon she was back swabbing the port area and said, "OK Elaine, take a deep breath, hold it..." POP, I felt the needle pierce my skin and dive into the centre of the port - ruby red blood flowed into the tubing. It was pushed centre on and was now leading directly into my main vein. The discomfort was only for a very short time, it was more the apprehension and fear of it not working that had me worked into a sweat. Soon the Chemo was attached and into the vein it flowed.  The day followed it's usual routine with the Anti-sickness being administered first, followed by first chemo bag, then the flush, the second chemo bag followed by the final flush. It actually went quite smoothly without a hitch. The only delay was waiting for the changing of the bags. This however cannot be helped because there are a surprising number of people needing chemo and the nurses in all honesty are totally run off their feet. So waiting for a bag to be changed is not a big issue. The fact it all ran so smoothly was a bonus. I was also finished two hours earlier than I would normally be. Chemo runs through the port much quicker than it does through the vein in the arm because if your veins are weak, the speed of the drip has to be slowed down to avoid rupture or collapsing of the vein, hence the lengthy time having it administered.... Yup, I think I will keep this port.... 

As this session of chemo was drawing to and end, I chatted to a couple of people there, one young girl who was on her final chemo and totally delighted. She is studying in college and please God, this is the end of one road for her and the start of a bright new future. Then there was the elderly lady who had lost her parking ticket on her way to chemo, a quick call to the parking attendants office sorted that out for her. I was then 'unhooked' and went to call Suzanne who was returning to the hospital to pick me up.  On my way walking through the treatment room, I nodded and smiled at faces I recognised from my previous two visits, I stopped and chatted to Kim, the mother of one of my son's friends who I only met through going to hospital for chemo. We chatted and had a quick catch up. Then I smiled at a couple who kept looking at me as though they knew me. I must have seemed so ignorant! I smiled back and the young woman looked at me sadly and pointed to her head. The penny dropped, this is the couple who were sitting alongside me three weeks ago, I had a bottle of orange juice that I was struggling to open. I was twisting it like mad and it was one of those bottles that just would not budge. The young man next to me asked me in broken English if I needed help. I smiled handed him the bottle and he opened it up.  His partner and I smiled at each other and I thanked them.  That afternoon had passed quietly with little said other than polite nods and smiles.  His wife had long blond beautiful hair. Today she was unrecognisable and looked so sad. I smiled and apologised... now how do you react in these situations.... I went with the only way I know.... I whipped off my hat and displayed my shiny bald bonce... "Hey there, you've joined the cool group... We don't have a bald head at all, Its a solar panel for a sex machine!" ... Thank  you God, it lightened the mood, it made them both laugh, and a few others besides.  I went over and told her that she looked great. 

I bid farewell to my fellow fighters and left the treatment room, taking with me a sadness, a heaviness in my chest at the cruelty of cancer and the aggressiveness of the treatments needed to get rid of it. I had a tissue and wiped the corner of my eyes at tears that wanted to leak out. This was not the time or the place to get emotional, I was about to head off now for another adventure, much to the worry of family both here in Ireland and at home in Wales. Was I being selfish jetting off across Europe having cancer and just having had my chemo treatment? Could I call this fighting cancer? If I didn't go was I letting cancer dictate how I live? Was I trying to prove that despite cancer I could still 'be me'? Despite all these questions right now, I just wanted to board that plane and leave cancer and everything that goes with it behind!

Suzanne arrived at the hospital. We were having a meal out in Dublin tonight and all going to the airport for early hours in the morning. A table had been booked at Fire, and a lovely meal was enjoyed. I had my steak cooked medium/rare as this gave off some taste. Since I have been having chemo, my biggest problem is not being able to enjoy any food or drink as everything has lost its taste. There are foods where I can get a slight taste off, but they are few and far between. The steak served was lovely and tender with just the right amount of juice and the feint taste was so welcome. 

We finished up and headed back to the hotel. There was an early start, taxis had been booked and a plane would be waiting to be caught... we were going to Budapest. 

Budapest here we come!

I was up early after the reception called with the wake up call. I was washed, dressed and down in the reception quicker than anything. I could not wait to go. We climbed into the taxi and headed off. I soon came to the conclusion that the person driving the taxi could also possibly be doubling as pilot, I swear the thought he was driving for Air Lingus. We arrived from the centre of Dublin and at the departure lounge of Dublin Airport in just under 15 min. Apparently he was running late.... I'm just glad we landed there safely :-/

We all sat and had our photograph taken as a group before checking in to board the plane. We headed to the check in desk and then went through to the departure lounge. I had been given masks by the hospital to wear on the flight as they were concerned with the possibility of me catching germs from others on the plane. The fact that chemo lowers your immune system makes you very susceptible to catching things much easier so all precautions were to be put into place to keep me healthy and happy. The thing is how was I going to eat my M&Ms? Breathing through the mask wasn't too difficult, and neither was sneaking in the odd M&M... mind you there was not much eating, as getting up so early had me quite tired and I was soon nodding off after take off.  The flight went very smoothly and before I knew it we were getting ready to descend at Budapest airport. Tables were put up, seats upright, belts on ... and in we came for the landing. Once we were stopped, coats and hats were donned and when off the plane and the bus, my mask came off. Phew... normality! ... 

We entered the country and caught a taxi that brought us straight to the apartment. We were centrally situated and close to all the amenities of the city. The buildings were breath taking and the architecture was just something the behold. It was beautiful. We put all our luggage into the apartment and our first job of the day was to find our bearings. The second was to try and procure tickets to the Hungarian State Opera House to see the Nutcracker. Unfortunately the tickets had been sold out. This was a disappointment. We strolled around the opera house taking in it's beauty. The ceilings were beautiful, the marble and the wood and brass everywhere just took your breath away. We visited the gift shop and went back to the ticket office to ask if there were any cancellations etc. There was no joy whatsoever. Oh well, never mind. We can fill our time with visiting all the other exciting places Budapest has to offer. We strolled down the main streets, taking in the sights. There were so many sculptures and works of art around. The different promotions for Ballet, Opera, and theatres of all kinds gave  you a great insight into the cultural side of Budapest. On saying that it should, many of the great musicians, come from Europe and have played in Hungary. Their busts and statues can be seen all around the Opera House. 

Full view of the front of the Hungarian State Opera House

Statues of the great masters and musicians who have contributed

to the world of classical music, ballet and arts  that we enjoy today

Deirdre enjoying the view

The Big Wheel

Olive and Irene enjoying the view

We continued on finding our bearings feeling a bit glum that there were no tickets available. Not far down the road, we stopped to ask about the city bus tours. For only a few euro, we were able to get a ticket that you could use over a 48hr period on both the yellow and red tour trips as well as taking a cruise up the Danube. We discussed it and decided it was a definite. We were able to purchase the tickets today, Friday, and not start using them until tomorrow, that way we could use them over both Saturday and Sunday, leaving us free to find our bearings all day Friday. This was ideal. Tour tickets in purses we continued down towards the start of the Christmas Markets. There was food everywhere, different anti pasties, cakes, mulled wine, chocolates, liquors, Cheeses, breads, sweets... a gastronomic delight. Only problem was, this bloody chemo took all my taste buds away, and these foods were a mere random selection of textures. Cheese, something I love, had absolutely no taste, neither did the meats, chocolates or the mulled wine, in fact, the mulled wine (something I love) had that same effect as the red wine I tried back at home, just an awful taste in my mouth. Disappointing yes, a trip ruiner NO! there will be plenty more time in life where I will once again enjoy food and drink. I am damned sure I will appreciate it far more too. Olive, Irene, Deirdre and Myself spotted a big wheel, very similar to the London Eye, (smaller yet bigger than the wheel that they had at the Point Depot). It revolved slowly giving you a great view across the city. Seeing as the day had brightened and we had a fairly light sky, the four of us decided that this wheel was a must. Suzanne, Mary, Carol and Ber decided that shopping at the market was the order of the day.

 

St Stephen's Basilica

Not sure where but a beautiful view.

Freedom Bridge

By the time we had come off the wheel, our other four travelling companions had wondered on down through the Market. It was getting cooler now and we were heading for tea time. Stomachs were becoming a bit rumbly. We all agreed to go to a restaurant (I think it was called ES). It was lovely both inside and out. Everywhere was very clean. We decided that this is where we were going to have our tea. I decided to bite the bullet and try a beer. Yes alcohol had a rotten taste mixed with chemo, but I had a bit of a thirst. We ordered our meal and I ordered a local beer. Granted I did not get the full taste of the beer, but it made a change to be able to drink one. I got a feint taste of hops and it was OK. Whilst we were sitting waiting for our food to be ordered, Suzanne revealed what she had been doing while four of us were on the wheel and while three were shopping. She had returned to where we had purchased the tour tickets. She had spoken to the man selling them and asked about tickets for the Ballet. He informed her that there certainly would be tickets available and how to get them. Back to the opera house she went and spoke to the woman behind the desk. This time Suzanne came away with 8 tickets for The Nutcracker, not only that, but they were box seats too. We were delighted, this was going to be a new experience for us all. Fantastic, and thank you Suzanne. The food arrived and  was just the ticket too, everybody enjoyed what they ate and once sated, off we went again back around the markets. The sights, colours, lights and whole atmosphere was lovely.

Yup, that is the beer ;)

The only problem was that we had been on our feet for a while, and I was getting very tired. This was the one draw back of travelling with cancer. When your body says rest, that is exactly what you have to do otherwise you will truly end up quite unwell. Suzanne was great and escorted me back to the apartment. We caught a 'taxi bike' some poor lad cycling us two 'lightweights' through the streets of Budapest. We stopped him when we knew where we were and headed to the apartment. I was shattered at this stage and once inside got into my bed and slept. I slept for the entire night, curled in the same balled shape that I had fallen asleep in. 

Saturday and Sunday flew by in a blur. There was the mixture of site seeing, shopping, visiting the ice bar, meals out, going to the pub boat on the Danube, riding the Christmas Tram... However the highlight was definitely the Ballet. The wonderful experience on the Saturday night of attending a live ballet in the Hungarian State Opera house. The opulence and splendour was just amazing. The performance of all the dancers was superb. Seeing the Ballet performed to the classical music of Tchaikovsky was an experience I will never forget. Having a box seat was an added bonus too. Suzanne, Mary, Carol and Myself shared one box, while Deirdre, Olive, Irene and Ber shared the other. It was the icing on the cake for me. I am sure that the girls agree too. The Ballet was followed by a meal in a small bistro that we found en route back to the apartment. 

The whole weekend just flew, in fact, it feels almost like a dream that I was there at all. I had an amazing time. I will be adding a link to a page that will have a collection of photographs from our trip. Just so that you can experience some of the beautiful sights that I have been lucky to experience this past weekend. 

I have tried to avoid focusing on the cancer in this part of my blog as I wanted to share a part of my experience of my weekend away, to demonstrate that cancer has not taken hold of my whole existence. But, in reality it has. For a short while, I could focus on something else, I could enjoy new sites, cultures and art. Fun times with old and new friends. Laugh, shop, site see and be 'normal'. What I couldn't do was be the 'old' Me. Be in the heart of the laughter, late nights or banter. Cancer did have me utterly exhausted at the end of each day. It was early nights because my body and mind could not function otherwise. The tiredness effected my speech and ability to focus on conversations. I did not feel ill, but I did feel utterly drained. On the Monday, we headed to the airport. We were early enough to get a breakfast. On finishing the breakfast, I felt a popping sensation below my left jaw up to my ear. This appeared to be a swollen gland. Thankfully by the time we were boarding and flying home it had reduced greatly. It has not given me any more problems and appears to have gone. I have not gone to the doctor about it simply because it is not there anymore. I will do should it happen again or if I should become unwell.  I feel this was due to sheer exhaustion. Do I feel that I did the right thing travelling with cancer and seeing the sites etc.? Indeed I do. I just have to ensure that I listen to my body, something I did do for the whole weekend. But no matter what you do, the tiredness is just draining. 

I just want to add to this blog, a massive thank you to Suzanne, Mary, Carol, Deirdre, Ber, Olive and Irene who took great care and concern for me over the weekend. They ensured that I was OK and nothing was an inconvenience. You are a great bunch and I'm looking forward to future adventures. 

I also want to thank my husband and entire family for not nagging me not to go, but for encouraging and supporting me. For keeping tabs on me daily ensuring and reminding that meds were being taken.  Thank you Everyone :)

As it states in the name of this post in my blog, fear has two meanings:

Forget 

Everything

And

Run

OR

Face

Everything

And

Rise

The choice is mine. I think I know which choice I made this past weekend! Go on folks, get out there and FACE IT! 

Feel free to view more of my Budapest adventure here.:

http://www.photosnack.com/ElaineMurphy/budapest2015.html