We Must Be Willing To Let Go Of The Life We Had Planned, So As To Have The Life That Is Waiting For Us! - Joseph Campbell

Time for Mum and Dad to return home.

I got up early and headed down stairs. It was cool enough and the heating was due to come on. I couldn't sleep properly so I was going to put on the television and have some time to me. The reason I put the TV on is that it makes my eyes tired and I tend to nod off with my blanket over me. If I don't put it  on, I tend to sit and think too much. To the point I upset myself and then cannot sleep at all. I settled down and began to think about what we could do that day. Mum and Dad came downstairs too. They had both been awake and heard me head down, so on went the kettle and a nice cup of tea was made. "So!" I said, "What do you fancy doing today?" Then it dawned on me, My parents were heading home today! An overwhelming sense of sadness started filling me. I struggled not to start crying. I choked back my tears and plastered a smile on my face, saying that I had forgotten today was the day they were leaving. Mum had an appointment booked in Peter Mark's and Dad was going into Dunne's to pick up some Irish Cheddar and some Kerry Gold Butter. Mum's appointment was at 9:00a.m. Both Mum and Dad drank their tea and went upstairs to get ready. Both Mum and Dad had more or less packed the day before and only the last bits and pieces had to go into their cases. They left for Bridgewater shopping centre at about 8:45a.m. They would be back by 10:00a.m. I got dressed, read for a while, then Gerry and I went into the kitchen to make breakfast for everyone, It would be on the table in time for Mum and Dad coming home... well that was the plan. Mum and Dad returned, and we were a little behind time. Before long it was all dished up and we were all filling up on foods that would set us up for the day - Bacon, egg, sausage, black and white pudding, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms and some buttered bread on the table, not forgetting the cup of tea to wash it all down. 

Joe and Jim carried the cases to the car and any other items that needed packing. This gave Mum and Dad an hour or so to sit and relax before their drive to the port. We chatted and tried to avoid talking of them having to leave, but all too soon 12:00p.m. arrived and goodbyes were said with hugs, sadness and yes, tears. My Parents waved from the car and headed off on the road home to Wales. I felt like burying myself under my duvet and having a good cry. I may be 49 but I am still my Mum  and Dad's 'little' girl, and with the health worries of late I just wanted them here with me for forever. I have had the best fortnight with them, from the shock of my father and his tattoo,  the new bathroom and en-suite and the fun and laughter, glasses of wine and then having my Mum sit with me through chemo... well,  I just didn't want them to go home. However, I am a Mum too and I pulled myself together, put on my brave face and hugged my sons and hubby. Gerry and Jimmy headed out to work. Joe and I collected any stale bread that we had and took the bread to the ducks, swans and seagulls at the lake where we spent half an hour feeding them and laughing as the birds fought for pole position to get the food as it was tossed into the water. Following this, Joe and I went to Dunne's Stores and we did the weekly shopping together. We went home and I sat down as Gerry, Joe and Jim put the groceries away. Gerry and Jim had returned home whilst Joe and I were deciding on what we were going to be eating for the week. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon listlessly doing bits and bobs. I couldn't concentrate on my book, paints or anything. Eventually I sat down with Gerry and we talked about the past fortnight, the home improvements and what we would be doing tomorrow. At 8:00p.m. Mum rang me from home to say that they had arrived safely, they had picked up a chipper tea and were about to settle down for the evening. I rung off and then Gerry and I along with the boys ordered our food (take away tonight) and then we settled down to watch a movie. As per usual, I fell asleep and Gerry woke me up to head off to bed. My head hit the pillow and I was out for the count in seconds. I slept all night, and I had a good sleep. 

This morning, Sunday,  we grabbed a quick breakfast and Gerry, Jimmy and myself took a drive out to Bray as the weather was good and we just wanted to head out for a while. Joe decided he wanted to stay at home. We strolled around Woodie's DIY and then drove down to the seafront. It was packed beyond belief. There was nowhere to park so we just ended up driving along the seafront and then headed back up through the town and took the coast road through Greystones, Kilcoole, Newcastle, Rathnew, Wicklow, Britas Bay and finally into Arklow. The weather was beautiful. We arrived home and as everything had been done in the house, the boys got their school bags, books and uniforms ready for the next day.  I spent the day feeling fairly empty and, for want of a better word, 'lost'! Nothing a good night sleep wouldn't cure.

I slept fairly OK. I woke once or twice to throw the duvet off me as I felt as though it was cooking me alive... Remind me here, never to eat lobster.... I checked my temperature as the last thing I needed now was Neutropenia, that has happened once too many times to me in my book. Please God, it will not occur again. Happy that my temperature was fine, I was able to fall back asleep again. The alarm went off far too quickly. The boys were up and dressed in no time and getting ready to walk around to Applegreen for their lift. My phone pinged and unfortunately the boys would not be getting a lift today. Gerry had already left for work so I had two options, first rush to get dressed and drive the boys to school, secondly let them have a day off. Option two won!  The deal being that the lads helped me around the house a bit before having time to themselves. I have to say they were excellent. I  ordered a skip for the removal of the old bathroom and shower room, and also decided that it was time for a decluttering of all garden rubbish, shed rubbish, attic rubbish and the likes. The skip would be delivered on Thursday morning.  I was starting to pick myself up emotionally, this emotional 'funk' was taking longer than usual to get up and go... C'mon Elaine... pull yourself together!!!

Tuesday I drove the boys to school and had to get back in time for the Nurse from the Community Intervention Team.  She would be arriving around 11:00 to dress and flush the picc line. I got home and decided to clean the kitchen units, clean out the fish bowl and have a general tidy up, not that there is too much to do as Gerry and the boys are keeping on top of the general housework and not allowing me to do too much at all. I am a very lucky person. The nurse arrived on time and I have to say was a pure delight and a breath of fresh air. She came into the house like a ray of sunshine and I found myself just telling her exactly how I was feeling, my worries, my concerns, my fears and my saddness. She listened, responded when necessary and she let me talk and talk. It flowed out of me as though a flood gate had been opened. I spoke about family, friends both past and present and how this cancer had totally changed my life, my outlook and my dreams. In all honesty after revealing all I had, I actually felt strangely relaxed, my 'load' felt lighter and I had found my smile and laughter that had been missing since Saturday morning. The nurse was in the throes of changing the dressing on my picc line when there was a loud rapping on the door. As my picc line was exposed at the entry point into my arm, I could not go to the door, so the nurse answered the door for me and in walked a friend I haven't seen in some time. Mr Paul Earls. It was lovely to see him, he chatted for a short while giving me a 'pep talk' on kicking this cancer into touch. He also gave me a beautiful Orchid. Whilst Paul was suggesting the use of a variety of 'recreational/herbal' medications to get rid of this cancer, the nurse continued to dress and flush the picc line.  Paul left not long after - Thank you Paul, you are a tonic.  I made the nurse and I a cup of tea and we continued to chat. This time we were able to talk about us as individuals, our likes, our dislikes our children, the responsibilities of motherhood etc. Leaving cancer behind for a while. When it was time for her to leave, we hugged and both agreed that it was as though we had known each other for years. Today my community nurse not only did her job of changing and flushing the picc line, but she also played a major part in lifting me up, listening to me off load, as I haven't really  done so since this diagnosis. She kicked that 'emotional funk' into touch. Thank you. I left then and went to the school to pick up Joe and Jimmy. We arrived home and I started tea. Tonight chicken curry was on the menu. I had an early night as tomorrow I would be heading to St. Jame's Hospital for my preparation for the forthcoming radiotherapy treatment.

Wednesday morning I was up bright and early. I was driving the boys to school, then heading Newtownmountkennedy Primary School to drop off a couple of cakes for the two staff rooms. In all honesty I was looking forward to nipping in and saying 'hello' to my colleagues and friends. After dropping Joe and Jim to school, I headed to the Bread Basket in Kilcoole and purchased the cakes. I then headed to Newtown. I drove into the lower school and popped a cake into the staffroom. Being the 'bull in a china shop' sort of person that I am, I barged in on a meeting (I do apologise Catherine and Olivia) Cake was left and I headed up to the top building, where once again, I sneaked in and left the cake on the staffroom table. I saw Geraldine with one of the pupils from my old class. My Lord how children grow in such a short time. I had a lovely welcome from him. I accompanied both Geraldine and the pupil back to her class and met a number of SNA staff. I managed to catch up with Orla too. It was lovely to see everyone. I also popped into see Jim. We were having a good old catchup when Geraldine burst in to announce that there was chicken pox in the school. 'Arrrghhh, for the love of God!' so it was out of there as though my backside was on fire. Dashing out I said a quick 'hello/goodbye' to Lilian and went straight to my car. I was driving off down the drive and once again saw Catherine - Catherine I am delighted you read the blog and hope you continue to do so. As I have probably mentioned on a 101 occassions throughout the blog over the past 8 months, I find it a very cathartic activity and it does help me shed my woes and see the lighter side of life. I headed back to the boys school and decided to pick them up a bit earlier than planned. They were going to come with me to St. James's hospital as they finish early on a Wednesday. However now that they were out that bit earlier, I could drop them home to save them sitting for hours on end in a hospital, bored and at risk of catching something.  On the drive home, we decided that a subway would be a good idea for lunch. As I was approaching the turn off for Coynes Cross, I felt a sudden stabbing in my right eye. My eye proceeded to water and I was blinking and twitching like someone on 'Cold Turkey'.  I am not good with eyes, mine or anyone else's and looking into them for 'bits' makes me want to be quite sick. I made it to Subway, and Joe and Jim went in for their food. In the meantime I had ripped off my glasses, pulled down the visor to use the mirror and held my eye open, only to realise I could see 'sweet fanny adams' without my glasses on. So, I donned the glasses, having them balancing on the tip of my nose, whilst I squinted into the mirror to see what had caused this stabbing in my eye. There it was, the little fecker, a hair... I managed to get it out and released my eyelid so that I could roll my eye around in my head to ensure that the offending hair had gone. I felt a very light 'fluttering' sort of feeling on my right cheekbone. I looked, and looked again, what the hell was that on my cheek... I looked closer... It was hair, quiet a lot of small hairs. Where the heck had they come from? I looked, studied my face and then it dawned on me... My sodding eyebrow had fallen out, I mean, it had literally fallen out. The hairs were like lemmings leaping off a cliff, only these were onto my cheekbone and into my eye! I could not believe it. I looked again and realised that my left one was still there, that is, of course, until I decided to just tap it to ensure it was in securely .... It wasn't and like the right that too dropped out. I'd seen it all now. The boys arrived back to the car with subways for us all.  We laughed at the brows (or lack of them) and headed home. I did the quick turn around and headed to Dublin to look for St. James's Hospital. Using goggle maps, I was directed straight to the front door. I found the underground parking and luckily found a space to park immediately. I took the lift from the car park to the centre point of the hospital. It was busy, and there were people coughing and spluttering all around me. I would be in less danger of catching something if I had licked the face of a chicken pocked child than I was here in the hospital. Hand over my face I dashed through following the signs to St Luke's. It was like a maze however I found it and checked in with the receptionist. I was early so the nurse saw me immediatley and took all the information that she needed. I was then directed upstairs to the CT Scan. Here I would be given small tattoo dots on my chest and on each side. These would be done after all measurements were taken and logged. I was scanned so that the position of my heart and lungs could be noted, the marks were put on me for the tattoo dots, which are permanent markers so that there is no room for error when positioning me on the ratiotherapy machine. This has to be done with such utter accuracy. You see, when they carry out the radiotherapy, they are dangerously close to my lungs and heart, radiotherapy has the potential to damage these organs. I will be having radiotherapy to my left mastectomy site and also to the lymph nodes in my neck. I have been warned that I can expect slight 'burns' to my chest, neck and to my back. This is because the ray goes straight through to the back when they are working on the upper chest, lower neck area.  Measurements taken, tattoo dots applied and I was ready for home. I arrived home at about quarter past five. I flopped onto the sofa.  I could feel myself fading a bit. Tiredness is a bugger to be honest. I wasn't in two seconds when the doorbell rang. The boys answered it and there was the lady from the corner house. Although we are neighbours we have never really spoken, just a nod here and there. She handed the boys a family sized dish of lasagna. She told the boys to put it in the oven for 45 min at 180 deg. She also told the boys that she had only recently found out that I was ill with cancer, and felt she would like to help lighten the load and made us a lovely family dinner. I could not get over the kindness. We have never spoken before yet she reached out and kindly fed us. This was an utter godsend as tonight of all nights the thoughts of having to make tea was driving me mad as I was shattered. After tea, Gerry and I headed to tesco and purchased a lovely bunch of flowers which I delivered to her with her dish, now empty and washed. Thank you.

This morning, Joe and Jim were going to school with Mr Dunne. This saved me having to drive to Kilcoole. Gerry left for work at about 10 having made us both poached eggs on toast for breakfast. Joetta, my neighbour and new friend called for coffee at 11 and brought with her some very nice scones. We laughed and chatted and once again put the world to rights. The skip arrived and Joetta moved my car so that it could be put onto the drive. Around half 12 Joetta headed home and I worked on my family tree. Gerry arrived home as the heavens had opened and it poured down. I decided to entertain myself by doing the following... well you know what they say... "Little things please little minds!" :)

The boys arrived home at about quarter to five. They went and changed immediatley and then started to fill the skip. Gerry joined in and before we knew it the back garden was looking tidier, as were the sides of the shed.  Whilst the boys and Gerry worked, I prepared tea, sweet and sour chicken drumsticks with mildly spiced rice  with onion, garlic and red, green and yellow pepper, with tarragon sprinkled rather generously. Gerry and the boys worked like Trojans today. They have cleared a huge amount (the attic is next) Thank you lads for all your hard work (that is all three of  you). As you say Gerry, I'm a lucky woman to have such three strong Celtic men looking after me :) We ate tea and my three men showered and changed their clothing. They disappeared up to their rooms and it was not long until they were sleeping soundly. I too am heading that way now. Sleep well folks, and always try to look at the sunnier side of life. We are here for a good time, not necessarily a long time. 

Well folks, as this was an emotionally charged beginning of the week, I have written my blog earlier so that I could remember it all. Thank you all for reading.  Good night everyone. God bless you all. 

The Surprises Just Go On and On and On... Both good and some not so good, but hey, we have to roll with the good and the not so good in order to reach the end of this journey!

Hello All, It is a couple of weeks since I last posted, in fact I think it is exactly two weeks today. So much has happened and it all seems to have happened in a whirl. I haven't had too much time to dwell on the cancer. Thanks to my wonderful family and friends I have had a fun filled and surprised filled time. You just would not believe it. Here is just how it all panned out! I hope that this blog brings you more smiles than tears but I cannot guarantee anything. 

Friday 29th April and Onwards!

Absolutely Shattered!

I found myself totally shattered on Friday. I really wanted to be full of life to enjoy having my parents here, but the trip to Dundrum the previous day had me totally wrecked. I slept on and off most of the day and was cared for brilliantly by my Mum and Dad. It was just an awful feeling that a simple trip to the shopping centre and only to two shops at that, would have me so jaded. There was absolutely nothing I could do, I was as tired and as weak as a kitten. That night I slept like a log. 

Thankfully that much sleep had me much livelier the next day, Saturday. Mum and Dad took me down to the Clinic at 11:00 am for the Community Intervention Nurse to change my picc dressing and to flush it through to ensure that there were no blockages. The nurse was delighted to see me looking so much better and commented on the vast difference as the last time she had seen me was when she was sending me off in an ambulance two weeks previously. We left there and went on to Bridgewater where we did a weekly shop in Dunne's stores.  We also nipped into Wicklow where we had a lovely refreshing drink in Donellie's. We after that it was into Byrnes, were we admired the Chrystal and household wares. Whilst in there, we met with Mona Theobald. It was lovely to see her as I haven't seen her for some time. I had a beaming smile, when Mona recognised my Dad as the 'Dad with the tattoo' and chatted to him and told him what a lovely thing it was that he did. Thank you Mona for following my blog. I do appreciate it greatly. 

We returned home with the shopping and relaxed for the afternoon. Later on, Gerry and I went to tesco where we purchased a bottle of Rosé for Mum and a bottle of Cabernet for myself. I was going to enjoy a couple of glasses with my Mum tonight. After all, AC chemo was finished and I had most of my taste buds back. Yes two glasses of wine went down well that evening. Most enjoyable indeed. As was the most deep and relaxing sleep that night. The rest of the weekend passed with laughter and enjoyment, sharing my parent's company was brilliant. 

Monday was bank holiday and the boys were off school. We decided to have a drive out and went to Ashford Gardens. It was a great time out as all of us went together, not something that happens these days when teenage lads want to remain at home or out with pals. So Gerry, Myself, Mum, Dad, Joe and Jim spent some very quality time together.  We had a lovely relaxing time, but unfortunately could not get into the cafe as it was packed beyond belief. So a stroll round strawbridge was called for, and yes I have eyed some lovely items I would like for my home.... Lottery win.... where the heck are you? We walked around the small courtyard of shops and I purchased some goats cheeses from the deli along with some Pastrami. Hmmmm lovely for later on. We strolled through the Nursery admiring the plants and then headed to the car, just before the heavens opened. Our afternoon tea would take place at home. So homeward bound it was, after a lovely couple of hours out.  We arrived home and I decided to spend the afternoon painting. It is a long time since I have done so, so was not sure how it would turn out. For a first attempt in a long time, I was pleasantly surprised. Not a masterpiece but not a disaster either. That evening was spent chatting to Mum and finishing off the bottle of wine from the night before. Hmm this is the life :)

I had a trip to look forward to at the end of the week. Suzanne would be celebrating her birthday on the Sunday, so myself and some of our friends decided to spend the weekend in Dublin and celebrate her birthday in style. Due to my 'new figure' I needed to find some clothes that would not just hang saggily but look OK. So on the Tuesday, Gerry and I went out to do some clothes shopping, a few tops and trousers along with new jeans were chosen.  I could relax for the rest of the week with Mum, Dad, Gerry and the boys. Mum and I headed off to tesco and that evening enjoyed a glass of wine each. Nice and relaxing before bed time and something to enjoy and feel like everything was 'normal' for once. 

Wednesday and Thursday were spent in similar manners, With trips out to the shops, or just spending the days relaxing with our books or chatting. Ms Cluskey dropped the boys home for me on Wednesday and called in for a cuppa. It was lovely having Siobhan meet my parent's as they have heard so much about her and all the help she gives me with getting the boys to and from school.

Friday morning the nurse arrived at the house for just after 10:30 a.m. It was picc dressing and flushing day. So the task was carried out with lots of cheer. The nurse reiterated that it was very important that I keep a very close eye on any changes and that my temperature is closely monitored. This is vital as if unchecked it can lead to some very nasty if not fatal consequences. A new thermometer was needed as the two I already had here (one being very new yet cheap) were not working correctly and giving out different readings. Hence the possible reason as to why the high temps leading to neutropenia were not spotted in time. That was one for my to do list, get a proper thermometer, yes expensive but not so much so that it could possibly save your life. (DONT FORGET THE THERMOMETER ELAINE!) After the nurse had left Mum and I packed my bag for the weekend away. Clothing, PJ's, Make up, perfume and washing bag and tooth brush and paste and of course my handbag, a nice little Michael Kors number I picked up in the week. Packing all done, Mum, Dad and myself headed off to Kilcoole to pick up the boys. We were meeting Suzanne there to save her driving over to Arklow to pick me up. We arrived early and Suzanne arrived a short time later. She had a good catch up with Mum and Dad. As soon as they boys arrived out of school, we said our bye byes for the weekend and headed off. 

We met up with the crew and booked into our accommodation for the weekend. Once our bags were in our room we all headed out for a lovely Italian meal. It was great to be able to eat a meal and taste it. A delicious goats cheese starter was order of the day, with a glass of Merlot to accompany it. This was followed by Manzo and Tagliatelle pasta. Of course this too was accompanied by the said wine. The food was like an explosion of tastes in your mouth. So much so you just did not want it to end. Following the meal we headed to a couple of pubs (both whose names escape me now - bloody chemo brain) but not too much alcohol was quaffed as I already had the wine and did not want to push my luck. This however did not stop my usual antics that tend to occur after a drink or two. We were walking by a restaurant that was very open and exposing,  as in it had huge windows and all those eating could be clearly seen. One group were by the window and looked as miserable as sin, by the time I had finished they looked worse. I did no more that push my face against the window and blow, causing my mouth to open like the jaws of a massive fish, then I proceeded to instruct the via signs and lip reading.... Smile folks... No! having cancer has not made me any more sensible than I was before it. Having pushed my cares to the back of my head for this weekend, I was my normal old, mischievous self for a little while and it was wonderful. I left the window and the diners before I was chased off by the staff.... The girls were nearly apoplectic at what had unexpectedly occurred.  By 9:00p.m. I needed to get back to the hotel as I was feeling exhausted. The girls walked me to our room and made sure I was OK. They asked if I minded them going for a drink in the bar. Of course I didn't mind, so off they set. I set about getting into my pj's, brushing my teeth and getting into bed. My head hit the pillow and I was out like a light. Shattered was an understatement. The girls were completely silent coming back as the next time I saw them was the following morning, as we all slowly woke up one by one. 

Birthday girl at the Westbury

As I had been asleep for longer than them, I was first awake and spent the time with my head in my kindle. Ah the peace and quiet it was divine. We decided to have breakfast out so by 9:30a.m we headed to find a cafe to have a good breakfast that would set us up for the day. It was a grey and wet day. So I donned clothing to suite the weather. We were going to be looking around markets and some shops today. We strolled around from one place to another. It was at this point that I noted that my soles on my shoes (yes I forgot to pack a second pair of shoes) had developed a hole and as it was raining my feet were getting wetter and wetter. Not Good. Shuh was my first port of call where I purchased a new pair of Red or Dead shoes, I asked the shop assistant to dispose of my old manky pair and I walked out in my nice new footwear. We found the flea market that we had looked up online during the week. It was interesting to say the least. We then strolled over the Ha'Penny bridge to Temple Bar and took in the sights and sounds of the people bustling around. We went to go into a couple of bars but the place was packed, so what do we decide to do? Something out of the ordinary, Something that nearly had me needing a jump start from a defibrillator. Cocktails in the Westbury!!! All is about to be explained.

It was at this point that I noticed that my right heel was feeling a tad uncomfortable. We had been strolling around for the Morning, and decided that seeing that it was just after lunch time (two ish), it was cocktail time. Oh for the love of God! We ambled into the Westbury (well I limped as my heal was actually quite sore), I lead the way into the bar (here I have to add that this hotel is classy to say the least, in fact it is not only classy but rather toffee nosed too), I was be-decked in .... wait for it.... Was it a nice dress, NO, Was it a nice skirt and top, NO, was it dressy in any sense... NOOOOO! .... Jeans, top (that had mid length sleeves with a picc line hanging out), denim jacket and flat, uncomfortable shoes similar to those I wore when I was at school, and to top it all... bald as a billiard ball! I looked around at the ladies dressed to the nines, made up like painted dolls and sipping wine others looking bored over the table at their other halves not talking to each other much, then at others sensibly nibbling on their cucumber sandwiches (sambos would not be apt here) or dainty cakes and sipping tea, then there was another group, the women who clearly meet for a gossipy catch up over a bottle or two of  wine giggling and gossipping about all and sundry.... "Weeeell"... I drawled..."This is niiice!"  I turned and looked at our little group and said - "To the bar it is...!" WE had arrived! 

The waiters were unbelievably attentive, surely by the look of me they could see I wasn't going to be tipping them the way the others looked like they might be able to, Unless they thought I was some rich bugger in disguise... 

"How can I help you Madam?"

"Well you can start off by choosing us some cocktails. I haven't a clue what is what so I'm going to leave it up to you!" 

"How many cocktails madam?"

"Well there are four of us so you can make four, I pointed down the bar, that looks colourful two of them will do and then that one with mint leaves in looks refreshing two of them too"

"Absolutely Madam!" (At this point, I should have realised by his smile that he thought he had won the flamin' lotto)

I went to pay but the waiter said, 

"No pay later you may want more!"

Another warning sign missed!  The cocktails were made and we shared out what we would have. I chose the minty one. I fancied something refreshing, and refreshing it was... In fact it was very moreish. Please don't ask me what they were called, I haven't a bogger's notion, as all recollection of names were suddenly wiped out of my head about an hour later. We sipped them slowly. I didn't want to make a holy show of myself here. I think any antics would have gone down like a lead balloon. 

We sipped and chatted and had a laugh. All lady like, including the barman in our conversations. Ah here, I think he really thought he was on to a high roller here. Our drinks finished we decided to each order another drink. Two opted for cocktails, and Suzanne and I opted for Chambord with cream - this makes a shot called a jam donut and is amazingly tasty. (I taught the barman how to make this I might add). Before he started I asked if I could pay for the cocktails. He turned to the till and I glanced at it, there was already somebodies bill typed up and I nudged the girls, 

"Look at that doozy of a bill, some poor sap is going to have a heart attack today it was €71... €71 bloody euro, God I'd have a blue fit if that was mine!"

Yup you guessed it.... it was mine... the waiter had been tallying up as we sipped. I looked at him...

"Hang on a sec!",  I said... I took out my phone and made as if I was calling home.... I said in none too quiet a voice... "Gerry, Just letting you know, I have just sold our house.... To pay for Feckin cocktails in the Westbury!" 

Well the couple at the end of the bar were hysterical, as were the rest of my group. I handed the waiter the money, not before holding it back and asking if he was sure that he had not had a bang on the head before hitting random keys on the till. He smiled and gave me the change of €80. He also handed over the two shots of Chambord (jam donut shots that I had rung my daughter Amy up to ask how to make them) Which I swiftly knocked back... sod ladylike now. The lad at the end of the bar, asked what I had asked for so I explained what I had drunk. He ordered two too, one each for him and his partner. Waiter tapped my arm... that will be another €14 euro... I looked at him like he had grown another head.... What will be another €14 euro? The two shots... I didn't include them with the cocktails. Well I wanted to bounce the little fecker off the bar... but not wanting to show up my pals I said: 

"I tell you what, See this picc line here, you hook me up to the strongest bottle you have here and then I won't feel the pain of you robbing me blind!" 

Another round of hilarity and laughter, with the exception of a fellow sat besides us, who looked like he was thinking, 'Oh Lord, I come in here to get away from this type!'.... however, I'm glad others found this so amusing. I have to say though it was funny, thankfully I was in charge of the kitty, and it wasn't all from my own pocket really, but enough was enough, and off we set to  O Donahue's for a proper pint of porter and a laugh with the random hen and stag parties that wandered in off some daft cycling novelty with pit stops in the various pubs. It got a tad noisy so to Dawson's lounge we headed, where we relaxed, laughed and ended up being joined by a group of Swiss tourists and South African Tourists. It really was a lovely afternoon. By six we were ready to eat and headed to an Indian restaurant where a lovely meal was enjoyed. This was followed by a flaming zambuca... one that nearly melted a couple of faces had the tables next to us not shouted for them to blow out the flame. Naturally being a seasoned flaming zambuca quaffer, I expertly quaffed mine and with the others shouted..."blow out the flames!" More laughter ensued. Once again it was time for me to get my head down. So this time we hailo'd a taxi and made our way back to the hotel. I flaked out immediately while the girls chatted and, I think, nipped to the bar for a night cap. 

Sunday we headed to Suzanne's house. Today was her birthday. We picked up Tommy (Suzanne's Father) and then back to Sue's house. It was a hive of activity with Gary, James and Saragh, giving me a lovely greeting hug as I came in. It has been ages since I have seen them all and catching up was great. They are all lovely young people and Suzanne ran Tommy and James to the pub, then returned her car to her house and Suzanne, Gary, Saragh and myself strolled around. We met Jimmy, Mary and Breda there and a lovely lunch and a few drinks were shared. Later on, Gary took Tommy home, the kids left and us middle aged ladies spend the afternoon laughing and basically having fun. Jimmy headed off on his motorbike and the afternoon flew by. We headed back to the hotel for our last night and we all chatted until very late in the night. The room was stifling with four of  us sharing, and sleep for me this night was quite elusive. 

Before

After

I woke the next morning, carried out my ablutions, packed my bag and waited for the others to stir. I was awake so early and once again enjoyed my kindle. By nine(ish) the others were staring to make a move and dressed and packed. An hour later we said our goodbyes and Suzanne drove me back to Arklow. It was a bit quiet driving back as I kept nodding off, not surprising really since, as I have already mentioned Sleep was not great. This has been par for the course since my chemo started so I was not ordinarily surprised by it. We entered the estate in which I live. Suzanne rounded the corner of my road, I said here "what's going on? OMG, OMG, OMG ... That is my brother's van - and look he has the lads with him... look Suzy look, he is doing my bathrooms!" Well I nearly had a totally funny turn altogether. My baby brother had arrived! Suzanne and I got out of the car and I ran to my brother, so excited to see him. Hugs were given and Suzanne and I walked in to what can only be described as a building site. 

Before (en-suite)

After (en-suit)e 

I have had a leak in my shower since the dawn of time. It has gradually got worse, and the ceilings in the lounge and dining room were looking very stained. Dad had looked at it the last time he was over, and I said that I would love nothing more that having my bathroom and en-suite ripped out and entirely new bathroom and en-suite installed, with them being sealed water tight rooms and my ceilings downstairs fixed up. Dad had mentioned all this to Roy, and between them all, My Parents and my brother and sister the hatched a plot to get this sorted out for us. I just could not believe it.  Paul and Jordan who both work with my Father and brother had come along too, to help with my home makeover. My sun room looked like a builders suppliers with flooring, walling, ceilings, light fittings, toilets, sinks taps bath shower stall and door, cabinets, you  name it they had it. My bathrooms in the meantime were nearly torn out. I was excited and surprise all at the same time. Suzy had a well earned cuppa and caught up with Mum, Dad and Roy. Tales were told about the weekend and we all had a good laugh. Then once again she headed back up the motorway home. Thank you for a lovely weekend Sue and pass on my thanks to the girls. It was a great laugh. The lads all went back to work while I chatted to Mum and Dad about the weekend. My boys were in school, so Dad and I went to pick them up and also picked up Mrs Cluskey. A teacher from the school my sons attend and who has become a lovely friend. We took her to Gorey and then returned home. Mum had made us all a lovely dinner where we all sat down to eat and chat about the surprise that they had all arranged for the Murphy family. 

Tuesday was spent relaxing after the weekend. Roy, Paul and Jordan worked hard all day to get as much done as they could. They only had a week to install the two rooms.  Mum, Dad and I nipped out to get more mince, veg and other foodstuff for cottage pie that evening. It was whilst eating that it was decided that we would head out for a couple of drinks. We all went down to the Old Ship, sat in in a nice area and had an alcoholic beverage or two. I had two pints and then three small drinks of southern comfort, before moving onto the coke. (coke-a-cola that is) Gerry enjoyed his usual Carlsberg while Dad, Roy, Paul and Jordan enjoyed a few pints of porter. Mum stuck to her Bacardi and lemonade. We left around 11 as the lads all had an early morning start. As Did Gerry. 

Gerry was heading to the hospital for a check up following his surgery. Now Gerry already has had his post op appointment. We received a text from St. Vincents hospital two days before this appointment, for what reason, we did not yet know. Gerry's appointment was booked in for 9:30 a.m. I was booked in for the first of my CMF chemo in the same hospital at 11:30 a.m. Gerry left the house at 7:45 to get to his appointment on time. Mum and Dad escorted me to  mine and we left at 10:00 am. With me driving Dad and Mum's Mercedes to the hospital. What a lovely car that is to drive. We made it in good time. Gerry was still at the hospital waiting to give bloods. He met up with us just by the vampire station. He had been told that he was to take antibiotics for the internal leakage he had, had after his operation. To me this was like proverbially  'shutting the stable door after the horse had bolted'. Gerry's bleeding had stopped before his previous post operation check up. He was also told that under no circumstances is he ever to touch a cigarette again in his life, and ... wait for it... he has to remain totally alcohol free for the next three months. That is all after going out for a few beers the night before, having not been out for approximately two months and getting the taste to start going out regularly again. Ah never mind hon, Three months will soon pass! 

We walked on to St. Anne's ward where I booked in and we took our seats. By 11:45 I was called through to the 'chemo room' and given a seat. My picc was flushed and dressings changed once again. Not before though, going through the plan of this new chemo. Mum had come in with me and Dad and Gerry remained in the waiting room. Siobhan was my nurse today. She is extremely pleasant and tells you like it is. It is today that I had a bit of a "wobble". You see, I was originally having 4 AC chemo - Which I had had, and been hospitalised once again for neutropenia. I was then to have 2 CMF chemos. However when seeing Dr Gullo a few weeks earlier, he informed me that it would be three maybe four CMF, today however, I was signed off for SIX CMF. How could this be? Why? What were they not telling me? Naturally I had waited for Siobhan to go and get all the stuff ready to do my picc line and whilst she was away gathering this, my Mum and I chatted about why this change was made. I was now in a bit of a tizzy, was there more cancer there? what were they hiding? Siobhan came back and started on the picc line.  I asked her why the increase in chemo and explained what I was originally having. I asked if it was the fact that there was possibly more cancer found and I hadn't been told. Siobhan was quick to allay that fear and explained that it was to run with the radiotherapy and once that had finished so would my chemo, that the chemo was helping the radiotherapy be more effective. I asked then that how would we know if the cancer had gone. How did we know if I really did still have residual cells or had the chemo wiped them out. After all, this was being given to me as a precaution.... wasn't it? Siobhan went on to explain how each time I have been in for chemo, I have bloods taken, they look for tumour markers/cancer cell markers. These are measured on a point scale. 0 - 40 is considered normal. Mine is 65... evidence that cancer cells are still roaming this body of mine. Tears slowly ran down my face as I digested this news. Considering I am now on the run in to the end of my treatment, what happens if that 65 has either not reduced or has increased? If that is the case then a PET scan will be given and a deeper look as to why this is occurring and IF there is further concern, new treatment will be given to  me, I won't just be dropped like a hot stone. I will be closely monitored for some time. Siobhan finished doing the picc line and we then had to wait for Dr Gullo to come and sign off on today's chemo. 

It was now nearly 1:00pm and Mum and I were quite hungry. Luckily the tea trolley came around so we had a soup and a sambo. Mum nipped into the waiting room to tell Dad and Gerry that I was still waiting for chemo to start, but they were both asleep, looking like a pair of bookends. She shook them awake and they too had soup and sambos and once again nodded off. Mum returned and sat with me.We had something of a long wait today and by three the chemo arrived and all three mixtures had to be pumped into me. This time I felt and immediate weakness, and a strange sensation. I told Siobhan who slowed the pumping down, the speed it was going in was not being received well by my body.   Dr Gullo made his way to me. Siobhan had explained my fears, and I told him that I had, had a bit of a tearful moment. Dr Gullo kindly and gently explained it all, every bit as clearly as Siobhan did. But the fact that I still have cells is a concern naturally. Having had two very strong chemo mixtures, first TC chemo then AC and they have not been obliterated is a worry. This third chemo, CMF, is much milder hopefully this combined with the radiotherapy will do the job once and for all! Worry is always at the back of your mind. Staying positive does get harder. 

We left the hospital and feeling much better and not sleepy after this one, I drove Mum and Dad's car home. Gerry headed off in his van. It was a longer journey home as we were stuck in tea time traffic. It was also a quiet ride home as we were all stuck in our world of thought. We decided that a take away was in order as it was very late to start cooking. The lads - Roy, Paul and Jordan, were still hard at work when we got in. They tidied up and headed to their digs. They are staying in Moneylands. They got washed and changed and headed to Darcy's for their tea. Mum, Jim and I ordered a Chinese, Gerry and Dad a Trade Winds and Joe had a pizza. I was not to have any alcohol on this chemo as it can affect my liver. Siobhan had said that they were not strict about it, the occasional glass is allowed, but as with all my previous chemos I had abstained due to the foul taste it gives alcohol. I had also made up for it over the weekend, last night and the few nights I quaffed wine with my Mum. 

Today is Thursday, I am on steroids for the two days after chemo. They tend to keep me wide awake, hence me being up at 2:58 am still typing away on my blog. This morning I went to do my banking, went to the post office and then to Dunne's stores with Mum and Dad. Once again the lads have worked like Trojans to get the bathrooms ready. They look amazing. Snag tests are going to be carried out tomorrow morning, and the lads will be getting the ferry back to Wales tomorrow afternoon. I cannot thank their wives, children and families for allowing them over here to help my brother and father carry out such a wonderful surprise for me. It has been such a wonderful thing to do. This afternoon, Dad and I picked up the boys and brought them home. Mum had prepared our tea for us all once again. Sausage, Mash and Beans, an all round favourite with us all. Dad, Roy, Paul and Jordan all had a beer, and Mum a glass of wine to round off the last day of working here. The lads then returned to their digs where Paul had an early night and Roy and Jordan headed down for a couple of pints. Mum and Dad went in to see the owners of Moneylands and to pay for the digs. Lilly and Michael made them very welcome and they chatted there for some time. With both Mum and Dad promising to visit them the next time they are over here. A nice friendship has developed between them after all the visits they have made over the  years. Mum and Dad came home here. We all sat and relaxed, and I took up writing this blog. Soon my Brother heads back to Wales and I will miss him like mad. It has been great having him here. I am however dreading Saturday, as that is also when my Parents return home too. I hope it is not too long before I see them again. It has been a true treat having them stay here for as long as they have. It will be hard not having them here. In the meantime, I will be continuing my treatment. Planning treats in between and  basically getting through what is going to be a hard slog physically, mentally and emotionally. But as the saying goes:

"You don't know how strong you are, until strength is all that you have left!"

Main bathroom 

main bathroom

 I want to add photos of the hard work carried out by  "R.J. Botfield and Son, Plumbing and Central Heating Engineers" - My Father's and Brother's (the two Roys) business, along with Paul and Jordan all the way from Wales. I won't ever be able to thank them enough for this gargantuan task they took on and created such wonderful rooms. Thank you!

Good night folks or should I say good morning? After all it is 3:15 a.m.

Here are two photographs of my new main bathroom. Thank you to Roy, Paul and Jordan for the amazing work and thank you to their families for supporting them in coming here and carrying out this great bathroom and en-suite conversion.

Introducing the folk that have so generously converted my bathrooms :)

From left to right, Paul, Roy, Me, Jordan

Roy, Paul, Jordan

You know their names by now. 

Roy Jr., Roy Sr, Glenys (the strength behind the men) Jordan and Paul

R.J Botfield & Son, the van that bore the weight. 

Health is the Greatest Gift, Contentment the Greatest Wealth, Faithfullness the Best Relationship. Buddha

Hello All, It is less than a week since I posted up my last blog, and here I am composing another. A couple of days after posting up the last blog I was sitting at home waiting on the CIT (Community Intervention Team) Nurse to call and flush through and re-dress my picc line.  This was to occur on the Wednesday. On Sunday I had developed those awful sores in my mouth and throat again and this was making me irksome and feeling rather ill. On Monday I decided to spend my day once again catching up on household finances, chasing up queries from insurance people and renewing both mine and Gerry's car taxes. I have to be honest doing these chores had me feeling  so utterly drained. Once I had done what I had set out to do I decided to lie down on the sofa. The fatigue  was beyond draining. I lay down and before I knew it I was fast asleep, only to be woken when my boys came home from school. On Tuesday the sores were worse once again affecting my speech terribly. Eating or drinking anything was not just a chore, it was becoming a torture. I spoke to my GP in floods of tears on the phone, I listed out what I had and Dr Coates gave me the names of further treatments. Kim Flynn called around with Daktarin Oral Gel which was exactly what Dr Coates suggested  and I lashed it on. I once again lay on the sofa and slept. How I was sleeping at nights too, God only knows! As I have already mentioned the fatigue is beyond belief. It is as though I have been turned into some sort of a zombie. Wednesday, the boys were leaving the house for their lift to school. They said their goodbyes and headed off. "Make sure you have a key boys!" I called out, just in-case I am asleep when you get home and can't hear the doorbell. The sleep that I have been going into is very deep and waking me can be something of a nightmare. I turned on the television and had Ireland AM on. I lay on the sofa with my head on the arm. I had my blanket Diane made for me covering me from head to toe. Trying to keep my eyes open was a virtual impossibility. I looked at the clock, quarter past eight in the morning. Gerry had already left for work and there was nothing for me to do, so I thought, 'Just sleep this chemo off Murph!' my dry, tired eyes fluttered a couple of times and before I knew it I was fast asleep. I slept and slept. I woke up to the persistent ringing of the door bell. I glanced up at the clock quite groggily and feeling as though more sleep was needed. 'No! that can't be right!' The clock read 4:00p.m. I stumbled to the door and opened it. The Community Nurse had arrived. "I am so sorry, I had fallen asleep! What time is it?" I asked as I let her into the house. The nurse confirmed the time, and I felt bewildered and in a dreamlike state. "Elaine, I am going to take your temperature before I flush the picc line!" stated the nurse. This she did and it was 39.7 degrees. "I am afraid it is off to hospital for you" and she proceeded to call an ambulance. This fatigue and constant desire to sleep was a direct link to the high temperature and once again the un-welcome symptoms of neutropenia. I was taken by ambulance directly to St. Vincent's hospital. Once here, I was greeted by the nurses who, by now know me on first name terms, and immediately put into isolation. I was put onto drips of antibiotics and IV fluids. I felt so ill. I am not actually sure how long I was in the Isolation section of A&E, but before long I was moved into a single room on St. Michael's ward. Once again the nursing care was fantastic. I was on copious amounts of antibiotics. Anyone entering my room had to wear an apron and a mask in order that no germs were spread to me. My immune system was through the floor. Not only that, but my oxygen levels were very low and so onto oxygen I was put. 

The nursing staff and doctors on St. Michael's ward were amazing. They popped in regularly to check on me and gradually they managed to nurse me through the neutropenia. Finally my bloods were coming back up and the white cells were increasing, building up my immune system and having me feeling human again. I was sleeping less and reading, crocheting or gaming on line more.  By the Sunday I was like a new person. This particular evening, the ward nurse popped into my room. 

"Elaine, can I ask you a big favour?" 

"Of course you can"

"Would you mind if we move you from this single room onto the ward?"

"Well is my neutropenia settled? Will there be any chance that I can pick up any virus? Are there any coughers and splutterers on the ward?"

"You are now out of the dangers that neutropenia brings. It is a surgical ward and not a medical ward that you will be on so there are no viruses and no there are no coughers and splutterers. We have a lady who needs a single room!"

"Of course, that is no problem!"

I had noticed a lady in the ward opposite my room a few days earlier when I peeked out during my 'isolation' days. She too had not got a single hair on her head. Yup, that dreaded cancer once again. I prayed that she made the recovery that I had and would soon be up and about with her family. 

I packed my bags and went to sit in another room whilst the nurses swapped my bed and took my bags to the bay in the surgical ward with 4 other women. It was approximately 9:00 p.m. when this was taking place. The lady was wheeled in her bed into the room I had just vacated and I was then brought to my bay. Most of the women had curtains drawn around their beds, so I too drew mine and before long I settled down for the evening and started to sleep. In all fairness I did have a good night sleep, only to be woken up early hours by... yes  you guessed it... a cougher... an my goodness cough she did. I being me, thought, "Ah shit nooooo.... I have come here to get better not catch anything else!" I did no more than dive for my mask and instantly put it over my face. Wearing these masks are not at all comfortable, you certainly would not want to be claustrophobic, the also make you sweat like crazy and when you are bald this sweat cannot be hidden and rolls off your head as though you have just come out of a shower. Masked and with a red, sweaty face I tried to get back to sleep. Well this bloody coughing continued. I swear at one point I heard her lungs hop off the floor and bounce back into her chest, not unlike a pair of yo-yos. Yes the coughing was that bad. In fact, anyone from my era remember 'Mutley'? had I not been any the wiser, I would have thought he had been given a bed on the ward. The nurse came round to attach another IV of antibiotics and to check on the fluid I had attached. It was a bag of fluid to be given via IV over a period of 12 hours. It was just under half full. I looked at the nurse and she looked back at a masked, red and very sweaty me and I mouthed...

"You told me there were no coughers... I could be breathing in anything here!"

I wondered why the nurse was looking at me strangely, as though I was a tad demented, when I realised I was mouthing these words through the mask and the nurse hand not got one clue as to what I was saying. 

"I beg your pardon?"

The perplexed nurse asked... I repeated my statement, this time minus the mask. The nurse smiled and assured me that this was not a viral cough but one that was brought on through asthma, and I could rest assured I would not catch anything, although she understood my fear.  I carefully took off the mask and thought "I bloody hope not!" I got up and tidied my bay, opened my curtain and nodded good morning to the lady opposite me. Gradually all the ladies woke, breakfast was served and we all chatted along nicely. Cougher in the corner apologised for keeping anyone awake and explained how her cough kept her awake. We all chatted and got to know each other. All the ladies were in for a variety of surgeries and then one commented about the lady who had vacated the bay I now inhabited.  

They lady had been sitting up laughing and joking with all the other patients on the ward on the Saturday evening. That night they all said good night and fell asleep. The lady who was now in the single room with her family around her, did not wake up, and very, very sadly quietly passed away mid morning on Monday. I didn't know who she was, but she too had cancer and unfortunately lost her life because of it. I hope you are resting in peace and are now out of any discomfort and pain. 

Dr. Gullo came round and was very pleased with my improvement. He said that it would be possible for me to go home the next day. I then asked, that as my husband Gerry was currently at the hospital attending a clinic for his post op assessment, would it be possible for me to be discharged that day to save the drive to and from the hospital two days in a row. This was agreed and so I packed my bags and spend the morning crocheting and chatting to the other ladies on the ward. There was a lovely atmosphere on the ward and everyone was so supportive of each other. Gerry arrived on the ward and we waited for the discharge letter and prescription for the antibiotics I was to take for the next two days. 

I spoke to my Mum on the phone to let her know that I was being discharged and she surprised me with the information that both Mum and Dad would be coming over on Wednesday and staying with us for two weeks. Excellent!

My Parent's arrival!

On Wednesday Gerry headed off to work as usual. Joe, Jim and myself took our time to get up and begin our day. They boys were amazing and hoovered the house from top to bottom. They then cleaned the bathrooms and tidied up all the rooms. I pottered about downstairs and started on the kitchen. It is amazing at how quickly you become shaky and weak, needing to sit down to get back some energy. Mid morning, the doorbell rang. Mary Green, my friend and colleague had called to visit. It was lovely to see her and catch up with this lovely, gentle lady. We did a lot of laughing and catching up. Mary the flowers are beautiful, thank you.  Mary left and I continued to slowly tidy up the kitchen, and wash down my units. The boys unpacked and re stacked the dishwasher. I cleaned my oven and then prepared a chicken for tonight's tea. I put the chicken into the oven and Joe peeled the potatoes for roasties and mash. Carrots, cauliflower and broccoli were put into the pan and we also decided to have some Yorkshire puddings. At 5:30 pm, the gentleman from 'Growing up in Ireland' knocked on the door to interview Joe, Gerry and myself. I continued to prepare the dinner and the interviewer continued to ask his questions. He continued on until 7:30pm, by which time my parents had arrived. They sat in the lounge whilst I continued the interview with your man.  About half an hour later he was packing his stuff and leaving. I went into the sitting room and had a huge hug from both my Mum and Dad. I had a roast dinner cooked and ready to serve up for all of us. It would be the first meal that I would have eaten for over a week. Even now I wasn't sure that I would be able to each much of it as my throat was still very sore and the taste of my food was appalling, all thanks to chemotherapy.

I went back into the kitchen to make the gravy and to dish up the dinner. Suddenly Mum came into the kitchen with my Dad.

"Elaine, can you give me a hand here, you Dad is complaining of a pain on his chest, help me with the buttons to get his shirt off will you!"

Dad was pulling at the neck of his top as though in some discomfort.... "Ah Jaysus, don't let there be anything wrong!" I thought.  I undid the buttons and pulled up Dad's jumper and shirt to see what was bothering him.

Oh Holy Mother Of God!.... My Father at the age of 75 has had his first  tattoo... not just any tattoo, but right above his heart he has the breast cancer ribbon tattooed onto his chest.

"This, my love is for you, you have to carry your scars and I will carry this, just for you. I just want you to know that I am supporting you"

It was a combination of laughter and tears of joy. My Dad did this for me. As Dad said, the two things he did not like in life... Tattoos and the colour pink.... What does he get? A tattoo of a pink ribbon, just for me. My Father, My Hero.  In fact as I sit here, I am still shaking my head in amazement. Tattoos have been a bit of an issue over the years, from the moment I got my first tattoo 28 years ago, to the latest only 18 Months ago. My brother, like me, is also very much into his body art. Welcome to the inked club Dad. I wonder if I will be getting tattooed at the age of 75. I guess I will have to, just to mark my father's inking.

                                                         https://youtu.be/xGid5G71aig

Click the link to see Dad's Tattoo Reveal.

Today is the first time in ages that I have felt anywhere near human. Mum, Dad and I took Joe and Jim to school as they had an interview to attend. Whilst we were waiting for them to finish, we nipped into the Bread Basket in Kilcoole, where a lovely hot chocolate was enjoyed by myself whilst Mum and Dad enjoyed a pot of tea for two. We had a lovely chat about all sorts, put the world to rights. We returned to the school for the boys and then went on to Dundrum where the boys purchased shoes from Shuh and clothes from Penneys. I didn't feel quite up to going through rails of clothing, that can wait for another day when I fell a bit on the stronger side. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my parent's visit and admire my beautiful pink ribbon. Thank you Dad, you really and truly have amazed me. 75 and getting your first ever tattoo, Just For Me! I love you.

Cancer: My Journey!: "When Someone Has Cancer, The Whole Family and Eve...

Cancer: My Journey!: "When Someone Has Cancer, The Whole Family and Eve...: Chemo 4: Last chemo going in for this session I finally finished the final session of the A & C Chemo. It has had me tired and ...

"When Someone Has Cancer, The Whole Family and Everyone Who Loves Them Does Too!: Terri Clark

Chemo 4:

Last chemo going in for this session

I finally finished the final session of the A & C Chemo. It has had me tired and weak, I have been sick on a couple of occasions. The feeling of being weak and tired for most of the time have had me needing a lot of sleep and that is exactly what I have done. What I have also had is the amazing support of my family and my friends. Mum, Dad, my Sister Diane and my Nephew Andrew all came over and visited me two weeks ago. Friday until Monday. It was lovely to see them. They were picked up by Suzanne in her Lear Jet and piloted safely here to Arklow. Then returned to the port on time for the ferry back on Monday. 

I headed this blog with a saying from Terri Clark. "When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too!"  I have found this to be so utterly true.  You see, I can see the worry, hurt, concern and fear in the faces of all my family and friends, no matter how hard they try to disguise it. In the way my family and friends care for me, the cruel way that it tells on my parents, as much as they like to try and hide it, the way it has given my Sister a new outlook in life, whereas I can see this cancer has upset her, hurt her and made her cry, It has also given her a magnificent strength. She sees life differently, does not suffer fools gladly, and has developed a strength and bravery that is just amazing. My whole family, parents Roy and Glenys, siblings Diane and Roy along with their spouses and children, My husband Gerry, my children Amy, Joe and Jim, my Friends Suzanne, Nic, Hazel, Julia and everyone else Ger Noonan, Pauline and Tamara (who has introduced me to geocaching - more on this later), Katie, then Jo, Karen and Jo (The Maples Girls), my friends and colleagues Geraldine, Orla, Carmel and Gerardine who all keep in touch, you have all been amazing from popping in for coffee, to making arrangements to meet for coffee, for tolerating changes to plans when meds have me feeling like a 'shaken up sack of shit', I just cannot thank you all enough. Yes the changes in the way people respond, care and demonstrate their amazingly kind and caring sides cancer does affect everyone who is involved in your life even in the smallest way. Everyone carries some part of this cancer no matter how small or large, it truly does have a very large ripple effect and once those ripples touch you they change part if not all of  your life forever. 

Tamara and I with my first ever
geocache find

Although  I have had a tough time during this last chemo,  I have also had a lovely time with family and friends. Firstly the visit from my family, although I was not well enough to get out and about very much at all, the fact that they were here was fantastic. I also had a new experience of geocaching. I had met Ger, Pauline and Tamara for coffee last Sunday. It was a lovely relaxed couple of hours that was very welcome. We discussed things from work, to yes, geocaching. Tamara is very into this and I expressed that it was something that I would like to try but had not had the opportunity. Tamara does no more than take out her phone and search out local geocaches. The next thing teas and hot chocolate are finished and we are heading out from the cafe to find these caches. We found two and in all honesty I found it quite exciting. The plan to find all six geocaches on the Kynocs history walk is in the planning.

Laughter is the best medicine

I attended my mid chemo bloods two weeks ago. When I arrived at the hospital, I sat in the reception area after checking in, in the St. Anne's Day ward. Suzanne had come with me as she has done with many of my appointments, sharing them between herself and Gerry. These appointments can be long and arduous. There is not usually a mid chemo appointment, but due to the fact that I have suffered with neutropenia, low liver functioning tests and other concerns, the hospital have been keeping a very close eye on me. I sat there quietly feeling as lifeless as a dead fish. One of the main nurses there Aileen, called "Elaine" I looked up not sure if I had actually heard my name. Aileen called again "Elaine, are you OK?" I had been sitting with my back to the reception desk, Aileen was behind the desk and smiled over, I nodded and smiled, I felt so ill. The next thing another nurse called me to follow her. Usually these mid chemo bloods are just taken and you are sent off home. If anything shows up you are called and either asked to return to the hospital or instructed over the phone as to what you are to look out for and if anything out of the ordinary occurs to return to hospital. This time, I was brought to the quieter end of the chemo treatment room and given a bed to lie on. Temperature, bloods, blood pressure were taken. Mr Gullo, one of my oncologists came to see me. He instructed that I was put on intravenous fluids over a two hour period. The dressing on my picc line was changed and I dozed while the fluids were coursing through my veins.  I felt slightly better on the way home, but fell asleep in the car. Weak was an understatement. My bloods had come back that I was very neutropenic and that I was one point away from a blood transfusion. The levels for a blood transfusion were 1.2, I was 2.2.

The Aintree Grand National was on last Saturday. This is something that I back every year. It is almost a family tradition. Had I been at home in Wales it would have been a family day, spent together at my Sister and Brother-in-Laws home watching the race and a nice buffet served. Here I pick out my horse (on name criteria only) and then get Gerry and the lads to pick a horse too. I then go to the bookies and put on my stakes. Being a novice better, I only put on a euro each way. This year I was lucky to get first and second with the grand total of 73 Euro. Happy days. I brought my winnings home and shared it between the five of us. A nice treat each, something unexpected for us all. The boys had 10 Euro each, Gerry had 20 Euro and I had 33 Euro, well I did the leg work...  ha ha ha. 

Gerry and boys when Gerry
was in hospital

Gerry has had quite a hard time himself this last fortnight. He had surgery on his intestine, removing part of his intestine that had been affected by crohns disease. This looks as though it will have solved the problem for some time. He should not get any attacks for the foreseeable future. The Crohns has the potential to return but please God this surgery will put paid to the pain he used to be in. He had had to go through some nasty surgery, have quite a lot of pain afterwards but has thankfully made a good recovery. He has his post surgery appointment the week after next and once again life will be returning to near normality for us both.

Sunday morning Gerry and I decided to go out for a walk. We went down to the harbour and walked along the pier wall. It was windy, cool and sunny, yet it was a beautiful walk. It is unreal as to how ill health can make you feel feeble, old and weak, how you then appreciate the pre-sickness days why you foolishly wasted days that you could have spent enjoying in this manner. How you wished that you could walk, talk and breath at the same time, because this chemo certainly does hinder your ability to walk and breath at the same time.  The breathlessness is very uncomfortable and having to stop every few meters makes me annoyed at myself for wasting so much time over my life. Yes I have partied and enjoyed it, but I think possibly too much of the partying days took place. I am determined now to make such a full recovery and do the canoeing that I have always wanted to or take up something that will have me out more in the great out doors. Geochaching just may play a greater roll in my life than I thought...  Thanks Tamara :)

On Tuesday, I had my pre-chemo assessment. Once again the bloods were taken and my height and weight. Once again the big drop in weight as a cause for concern was brought up. You see the chemotherapy is mixed up on weight and height. I was on the cusp of them having to adjust the chemo. If Ilose another pound or two at this point in time, the chemotherapy I am being given could prove to be an overdose, as too much of  a strong  mixture would have been created to suite my weight and height. Thankfully this would be the last of my A&C chemo.  The next morning being Wednesday, I was at the hospital for 8:30 a.m. An early start which means a lovely early finish. Thankfully having the picc line inserted has made the administering of chemotherapy much easier. I took my Emend, a strong anti-sickness tablet and the bag of anti-sickness was hooked up to the picc. That took half an hour to flow into the veins. I then had a flush through and a duel valve was fitted to the picc so that Ferdia could administer the two syringes of A Chemo and have the dilution fluid flow through at the same time. As mentioned in my last blog, this chemo is very strong and needs diluting so that the veins can stand its strength. I then had a further flush through following the A chemo before the C Chemo was attached to the picc line and dripped through over the space of a further half an hour. Following that came the final flush through. I could now leave and head home. Once again, as soon as I was in the car the utter tiredness hit me. I dozed quietly as I was driven home and once home settled in my usual comfy spot on the sofa. I had a small doze and relaxed for the afternoon.  By the evening, unusually so, I was feeling quite sickly. This does not usually happen on the day of chemo, however as this has been administered over a two weekly period as opposed to a three weekly period, my system is not being given a rest and the chemo effects are getting stronger and stronger. The absolute worst part of this chemo has been the sores in the mouth and throat. I have suffered the most awful and painful of mouth ulcers, cuts and sores to the tongue, the sides, top, underneath and the back of my throat. This has made it utterly impossible to eat and drink, to speak and to laugh and has had me feeling miserable to say the least. In fact, I can honestly say that it has been the most miserable I have felt since the start of my chemo last October.  After my mid chemo visit to the hospital, I was prescribed Oramorph (oral morphine), BMX mouth wash (a combination of cough syrups with lidocaine in them) and a preventative medicated mouth drops. All have to be swallowed and all make you sleepy, so on top of the chemo and with the oral medications I have been in a zombie like state for the last week.  Even something as simple as going to the shops had consequences when Karen saw me in Dunne's and her kindness and support had me weepy. Yes, this is how low I have felt this last chemo. It has been quite a wearing time this time round. I can now look forward to the return of these sores by the end of this week. Hopefully all the meds that I have here will help me cope with it in a much better way. It is no wonder I lost so much weight over the last fortnight, not eating or should I say not being able to eat will have that effect. Approximately thirty hours after the chemotherapy I gave myself the lonquex injection. This injection was stopped after my first session of my first round of chemotherapy due to a severe reaction with the T and C chemo and the lonquex hitting my bones in a serious way. However for the A and C chemo it was reintroduced and although after a week I do fall into the range of neutropenia, it does build up my white blood cells so that they are high enough for the next chemo.

Lonquex into t

The lonquex comes in a spring loaded syringe and is injected into my stomach. Unfortunately today the spring loaded mechanism did not function properly and so I just had to inject and pull it out like the traditional type... only when removed did the spring back work... typical!

This evening after having given myself the injection, I decided to head up to bed. I had my phone in my hand, a book and a charger for my phone. I also had the fob for setting the alarm so that I did not have to set it while downstairs and dash up to 'beat the beeps' thus avoiding setting it off as soon as I moved. Up the stairs I went and as I rounded the platform and went up the final three steps, my toe caught on the top step. Here is me, just after having major surgery, battling cancer and more scared of dropping my phone, as the saying goes when you fall with your phone you hope the crack is a bone ha ha ha, I hit the landing with a thud grazing my knee. Before I knew it, with book, charger and more importantly the phone clutched to my chest and the alarm fob, I was lifted by both arms with each of my sons at my side... bloody good job I hadn't broken my neck ha ha ha ha... I was virtually lifted into my bedroom and sat down, while one checked that I was OK, the other got tissue for my now bleeding knee, my brilliant caring boys had me sorted in no time, but,Oh Joy, another entry for sepsis or some other ruddy germ to hinder my progress, lets hope not.

The blanket

My wools

So it begins

I have decided to take on a challenge of making a very decorative Crocheted blanket over the next while. I don't think it is going to be too easy at all but it is a challenge that I have set myself. I have started it and am aiming to keep up as the pattern is downloaded in blocks every two weeks, so I need to speed up really, to keep up. With the chemo effecting the tips of my fingers with a lot of numbness of the right thumb and painful nail beds it is not too easy, but I am hoping by keeping my hands exercised in this way it will help the circulation and the feeling to come back into my fingers. I have also stocked up on acrylic paints, brushed and canvasses at painting is something I am also going to re take up. I had started a while back but with work and life it took a very far back seat. I think the peaceful process of picking out what to paint, how to paint it, working on light and shade as well as proportion I am hoping to create some lovely pieces... OK, you can all pick yourselves up of the floor from laughter now! lol

Well I am going to love you and leave you for now. This blog has been just an outline of the trials and tribulations of the past three weeks.  I now have a break of three weeks before CMF chemotherapy will begin. I was supposed to have a five week break, but the doctors have decided to increase the amount of CMF chemotherapy that I am to be given and so a third session of chemo begins on the 4th May.  This is going to be rather arduous as it is to run in conjunction with the 25 sessions of radiotherapy that I will be given. Also, the chemo is given every 8 days which does not leave me or my body time to recover between bouts. The fact that is to be given at the same time as radiotherapy will compound the after effects of both radiotherapy and the chemotherapy, so it looks like the last of my treatment will be something of a rough ride. I am hoping that it is not as tough as the doctors have told me it will be with the possibility of sores around the outside of my mouth as well as on the inside. This next bout will be the last of my treatment as, as I have stated many times throughout my blog there is no known medical cure for triple negative breast cancer. Chemotherapy is the sole treatment that is relied upon, so it is hoped that the 'bleach' that has been run through my system will have killed off the cancer cells. It is on this note that I will be cheeky enough to ask you to keep me in your prayers, that this cancer will be killed off, because the waiting around looking over your shoulder in fear of it's return is going to be psychologically, emotionally and physically draining. I am going to have to learn to try and live with this and not let fear rule me. I stand a 20% of it returning in five years, OK on the positive side that is an 80% chance of it not returning - however for my liking the odds of it coming back are too high. Everything is in the hands of the Gods now. Whatever will be will be.

As my tattoo says, "Time flies, Live Life!" I strongly recommend you do!