We Must Be Willing To Let Go Of The Life We Had Planned, So As To Have The Life That Is Waiting For Us! - Joseph Campbell

Time for Mum and Dad to return home.

I got up early and headed down stairs. It was cool enough and the heating was due to come on. I couldn't sleep properly so I was going to put on the television and have some time to me. The reason I put the TV on is that it makes my eyes tired and I tend to nod off with my blanket over me. If I don't put it  on, I tend to sit and think too much. To the point I upset myself and then cannot sleep at all. I settled down and began to think about what we could do that day. Mum and Dad came downstairs too. They had both been awake and heard me head down, so on went the kettle and a nice cup of tea was made. "So!" I said, "What do you fancy doing today?" Then it dawned on me, My parents were heading home today! An overwhelming sense of sadness started filling me. I struggled not to start crying. I choked back my tears and plastered a smile on my face, saying that I had forgotten today was the day they were leaving. Mum had an appointment booked in Peter Mark's and Dad was going into Dunne's to pick up some Irish Cheddar and some Kerry Gold Butter. Mum's appointment was at 9:00a.m. Both Mum and Dad drank their tea and went upstairs to get ready. Both Mum and Dad had more or less packed the day before and only the last bits and pieces had to go into their cases. They left for Bridgewater shopping centre at about 8:45a.m. They would be back by 10:00a.m. I got dressed, read for a while, then Gerry and I went into the kitchen to make breakfast for everyone, It would be on the table in time for Mum and Dad coming home... well that was the plan. Mum and Dad returned, and we were a little behind time. Before long it was all dished up and we were all filling up on foods that would set us up for the day - Bacon, egg, sausage, black and white pudding, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms and some buttered bread on the table, not forgetting the cup of tea to wash it all down. 

Joe and Jim carried the cases to the car and any other items that needed packing. This gave Mum and Dad an hour or so to sit and relax before their drive to the port. We chatted and tried to avoid talking of them having to leave, but all too soon 12:00p.m. arrived and goodbyes were said with hugs, sadness and yes, tears. My Parents waved from the car and headed off on the road home to Wales. I felt like burying myself under my duvet and having a good cry. I may be 49 but I am still my Mum  and Dad's 'little' girl, and with the health worries of late I just wanted them here with me for forever. I have had the best fortnight with them, from the shock of my father and his tattoo,  the new bathroom and en-suite and the fun and laughter, glasses of wine and then having my Mum sit with me through chemo... well,  I just didn't want them to go home. However, I am a Mum too and I pulled myself together, put on my brave face and hugged my sons and hubby. Gerry and Jimmy headed out to work. Joe and I collected any stale bread that we had and took the bread to the ducks, swans and seagulls at the lake where we spent half an hour feeding them and laughing as the birds fought for pole position to get the food as it was tossed into the water. Following this, Joe and I went to Dunne's Stores and we did the weekly shopping together. We went home and I sat down as Gerry, Joe and Jim put the groceries away. Gerry and Jim had returned home whilst Joe and I were deciding on what we were going to be eating for the week. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon listlessly doing bits and bobs. I couldn't concentrate on my book, paints or anything. Eventually I sat down with Gerry and we talked about the past fortnight, the home improvements and what we would be doing tomorrow. At 8:00p.m. Mum rang me from home to say that they had arrived safely, they had picked up a chipper tea and were about to settle down for the evening. I rung off and then Gerry and I along with the boys ordered our food (take away tonight) and then we settled down to watch a movie. As per usual, I fell asleep and Gerry woke me up to head off to bed. My head hit the pillow and I was out for the count in seconds. I slept all night, and I had a good sleep. 

This morning, Sunday,  we grabbed a quick breakfast and Gerry, Jimmy and myself took a drive out to Bray as the weather was good and we just wanted to head out for a while. Joe decided he wanted to stay at home. We strolled around Woodie's DIY and then drove down to the seafront. It was packed beyond belief. There was nowhere to park so we just ended up driving along the seafront and then headed back up through the town and took the coast road through Greystones, Kilcoole, Newcastle, Rathnew, Wicklow, Britas Bay and finally into Arklow. The weather was beautiful. We arrived home and as everything had been done in the house, the boys got their school bags, books and uniforms ready for the next day.  I spent the day feeling fairly empty and, for want of a better word, 'lost'! Nothing a good night sleep wouldn't cure.

I slept fairly OK. I woke once or twice to throw the duvet off me as I felt as though it was cooking me alive... Remind me here, never to eat lobster.... I checked my temperature as the last thing I needed now was Neutropenia, that has happened once too many times to me in my book. Please God, it will not occur again. Happy that my temperature was fine, I was able to fall back asleep again. The alarm went off far too quickly. The boys were up and dressed in no time and getting ready to walk around to Applegreen for their lift. My phone pinged and unfortunately the boys would not be getting a lift today. Gerry had already left for work so I had two options, first rush to get dressed and drive the boys to school, secondly let them have a day off. Option two won!  The deal being that the lads helped me around the house a bit before having time to themselves. I have to say they were excellent. I  ordered a skip for the removal of the old bathroom and shower room, and also decided that it was time for a decluttering of all garden rubbish, shed rubbish, attic rubbish and the likes. The skip would be delivered on Thursday morning.  I was starting to pick myself up emotionally, this emotional 'funk' was taking longer than usual to get up and go... C'mon Elaine... pull yourself together!!!

Tuesday I drove the boys to school and had to get back in time for the Nurse from the Community Intervention Team.  She would be arriving around 11:00 to dress and flush the picc line. I got home and decided to clean the kitchen units, clean out the fish bowl and have a general tidy up, not that there is too much to do as Gerry and the boys are keeping on top of the general housework and not allowing me to do too much at all. I am a very lucky person. The nurse arrived on time and I have to say was a pure delight and a breath of fresh air. She came into the house like a ray of sunshine and I found myself just telling her exactly how I was feeling, my worries, my concerns, my fears and my saddness. She listened, responded when necessary and she let me talk and talk. It flowed out of me as though a flood gate had been opened. I spoke about family, friends both past and present and how this cancer had totally changed my life, my outlook and my dreams. In all honesty after revealing all I had, I actually felt strangely relaxed, my 'load' felt lighter and I had found my smile and laughter that had been missing since Saturday morning. The nurse was in the throes of changing the dressing on my picc line when there was a loud rapping on the door. As my picc line was exposed at the entry point into my arm, I could not go to the door, so the nurse answered the door for me and in walked a friend I haven't seen in some time. Mr Paul Earls. It was lovely to see him, he chatted for a short while giving me a 'pep talk' on kicking this cancer into touch. He also gave me a beautiful Orchid. Whilst Paul was suggesting the use of a variety of 'recreational/herbal' medications to get rid of this cancer, the nurse continued to dress and flush the picc line.  Paul left not long after - Thank you Paul, you are a tonic.  I made the nurse and I a cup of tea and we continued to chat. This time we were able to talk about us as individuals, our likes, our dislikes our children, the responsibilities of motherhood etc. Leaving cancer behind for a while. When it was time for her to leave, we hugged and both agreed that it was as though we had known each other for years. Today my community nurse not only did her job of changing and flushing the picc line, but she also played a major part in lifting me up, listening to me off load, as I haven't really  done so since this diagnosis. She kicked that 'emotional funk' into touch. Thank you. I left then and went to the school to pick up Joe and Jimmy. We arrived home and I started tea. Tonight chicken curry was on the menu. I had an early night as tomorrow I would be heading to St. Jame's Hospital for my preparation for the forthcoming radiotherapy treatment.

Wednesday morning I was up bright and early. I was driving the boys to school, then heading Newtownmountkennedy Primary School to drop off a couple of cakes for the two staff rooms. In all honesty I was looking forward to nipping in and saying 'hello' to my colleagues and friends. After dropping Joe and Jim to school, I headed to the Bread Basket in Kilcoole and purchased the cakes. I then headed to Newtown. I drove into the lower school and popped a cake into the staffroom. Being the 'bull in a china shop' sort of person that I am, I barged in on a meeting (I do apologise Catherine and Olivia) Cake was left and I headed up to the top building, where once again, I sneaked in and left the cake on the staffroom table. I saw Geraldine with one of the pupils from my old class. My Lord how children grow in such a short time. I had a lovely welcome from him. I accompanied both Geraldine and the pupil back to her class and met a number of SNA staff. I managed to catch up with Orla too. It was lovely to see everyone. I also popped into see Jim. We were having a good old catchup when Geraldine burst in to announce that there was chicken pox in the school. 'Arrrghhh, for the love of God!' so it was out of there as though my backside was on fire. Dashing out I said a quick 'hello/goodbye' to Lilian and went straight to my car. I was driving off down the drive and once again saw Catherine - Catherine I am delighted you read the blog and hope you continue to do so. As I have probably mentioned on a 101 occassions throughout the blog over the past 8 months, I find it a very cathartic activity and it does help me shed my woes and see the lighter side of life. I headed back to the boys school and decided to pick them up a bit earlier than planned. They were going to come with me to St. James's hospital as they finish early on a Wednesday. However now that they were out that bit earlier, I could drop them home to save them sitting for hours on end in a hospital, bored and at risk of catching something.  On the drive home, we decided that a subway would be a good idea for lunch. As I was approaching the turn off for Coynes Cross, I felt a sudden stabbing in my right eye. My eye proceeded to water and I was blinking and twitching like someone on 'Cold Turkey'.  I am not good with eyes, mine or anyone else's and looking into them for 'bits' makes me want to be quite sick. I made it to Subway, and Joe and Jim went in for their food. In the meantime I had ripped off my glasses, pulled down the visor to use the mirror and held my eye open, only to realise I could see 'sweet fanny adams' without my glasses on. So, I donned the glasses, having them balancing on the tip of my nose, whilst I squinted into the mirror to see what had caused this stabbing in my eye. There it was, the little fecker, a hair... I managed to get it out and released my eyelid so that I could roll my eye around in my head to ensure that the offending hair had gone. I felt a very light 'fluttering' sort of feeling on my right cheekbone. I looked, and looked again, what the hell was that on my cheek... I looked closer... It was hair, quiet a lot of small hairs. Where the heck had they come from? I looked, studied my face and then it dawned on me... My sodding eyebrow had fallen out, I mean, it had literally fallen out. The hairs were like lemmings leaping off a cliff, only these were onto my cheekbone and into my eye! I could not believe it. I looked again and realised that my left one was still there, that is, of course, until I decided to just tap it to ensure it was in securely .... It wasn't and like the right that too dropped out. I'd seen it all now. The boys arrived back to the car with subways for us all.  We laughed at the brows (or lack of them) and headed home. I did the quick turn around and headed to Dublin to look for St. James's Hospital. Using goggle maps, I was directed straight to the front door. I found the underground parking and luckily found a space to park immediately. I took the lift from the car park to the centre point of the hospital. It was busy, and there were people coughing and spluttering all around me. I would be in less danger of catching something if I had licked the face of a chicken pocked child than I was here in the hospital. Hand over my face I dashed through following the signs to St Luke's. It was like a maze however I found it and checked in with the receptionist. I was early so the nurse saw me immediatley and took all the information that she needed. I was then directed upstairs to the CT Scan. Here I would be given small tattoo dots on my chest and on each side. These would be done after all measurements were taken and logged. I was scanned so that the position of my heart and lungs could be noted, the marks were put on me for the tattoo dots, which are permanent markers so that there is no room for error when positioning me on the ratiotherapy machine. This has to be done with such utter accuracy. You see, when they carry out the radiotherapy, they are dangerously close to my lungs and heart, radiotherapy has the potential to damage these organs. I will be having radiotherapy to my left mastectomy site and also to the lymph nodes in my neck. I have been warned that I can expect slight 'burns' to my chest, neck and to my back. This is because the ray goes straight through to the back when they are working on the upper chest, lower neck area.  Measurements taken, tattoo dots applied and I was ready for home. I arrived home at about quarter past five. I flopped onto the sofa.  I could feel myself fading a bit. Tiredness is a bugger to be honest. I wasn't in two seconds when the doorbell rang. The boys answered it and there was the lady from the corner house. Although we are neighbours we have never really spoken, just a nod here and there. She handed the boys a family sized dish of lasagna. She told the boys to put it in the oven for 45 min at 180 deg. She also told the boys that she had only recently found out that I was ill with cancer, and felt she would like to help lighten the load and made us a lovely family dinner. I could not get over the kindness. We have never spoken before yet she reached out and kindly fed us. This was an utter godsend as tonight of all nights the thoughts of having to make tea was driving me mad as I was shattered. After tea, Gerry and I headed to tesco and purchased a lovely bunch of flowers which I delivered to her with her dish, now empty and washed. Thank you.

This morning, Joe and Jim were going to school with Mr Dunne. This saved me having to drive to Kilcoole. Gerry left for work at about 10 having made us both poached eggs on toast for breakfast. Joetta, my neighbour and new friend called for coffee at 11 and brought with her some very nice scones. We laughed and chatted and once again put the world to rights. The skip arrived and Joetta moved my car so that it could be put onto the drive. Around half 12 Joetta headed home and I worked on my family tree. Gerry arrived home as the heavens had opened and it poured down. I decided to entertain myself by doing the following... well you know what they say... "Little things please little minds!" :)

The boys arrived home at about quarter to five. They went and changed immediatley and then started to fill the skip. Gerry joined in and before we knew it the back garden was looking tidier, as were the sides of the shed.  Whilst the boys and Gerry worked, I prepared tea, sweet and sour chicken drumsticks with mildly spiced rice  with onion, garlic and red, green and yellow pepper, with tarragon sprinkled rather generously. Gerry and the boys worked like Trojans today. They have cleared a huge amount (the attic is next) Thank you lads for all your hard work (that is all three of  you). As you say Gerry, I'm a lucky woman to have such three strong Celtic men looking after me :) We ate tea and my three men showered and changed their clothing. They disappeared up to their rooms and it was not long until they were sleeping soundly. I too am heading that way now. Sleep well folks, and always try to look at the sunnier side of life. We are here for a good time, not necessarily a long time. 

Well folks, as this was an emotionally charged beginning of the week, I have written my blog earlier so that I could remember it all. Thank you all for reading.  Good night everyone. God bless you all.