Appreciation can make a day – even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary. -Margaret Cousins

Sunday 24th Jan 2015

I am just posting a short addition to my blog today, the reason being that if you recall from earlier blogs, I fought hard to be given a bilateral mastectomy due to the fact that surgeons will not remove healthy tissue. However because of the triple negative issue, a bilateral mastectomy made sense as the odds of cancer returning were quite high. Although this was the case, my consultant agreed with me to a degree but wanted me to have the cancerous breast removed first and the second one six months down the line.... Nope.... My surgeon carried out the bilateral mastectomy, but each time he sees me he asks me "Do  you have any regrets yet?" Here is a letter I wrote to him answering this question for the final time.

Dear Mr. G.....

I am writing to  you as I feel that I need to put your mind at ease.

As you know, I was sadly diagnosed with breast cancer on Friday 2nd October 2015. A date that will remain in my head for the rest of my life. When you broke this news to me, little did you know that across the table from you sat a strong willed, bull headed, middle aged woman, who had to comfort her husband on her diagnosis as opposed to the other way around. A woman who was prepared to fight this like so many before her. 

Mr G.... , you told me to bring my next of kin, instead I brought a tribe, the first indication that I was 'different'. When I knew that I would need a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed, I knew immediately that I was going to insist on a bilateral mastectomy. When I mentioned this I was told not to jump ahead, and that it was preferred not to remove healthy tissue. I immediately decided to go home and do my research. 

I went home and I read arguments for and against the bilateral operation. I looked at statistics of the chances of cancer returning, I even went as far as looking at my legal rights and the possibility of perhaps having to consider surgery abroad. Yes Sir, I was that determined. I spoke to Eileen over the phone expressing my concerns and my reasons for wanting the bilateral mastectomy.

Once chemotherapy had been deemed as no good for my general health, surgery was brought forward. A date set for us to discuss my operation. My biggest fear was not being heard, listened to or understood. However, I was lucky, I had you sitting opposite me. I expressed my worry about not being listened to, about how I worried about my own mental and psychological health should I be left with one breast, about my fear of the cancer returning. And you listened!

We discussed the fact that the cancer was bordering on triple negative which raised the stakes in my favour. You did try to dissuade me but I would not back down. Once again, you listened!

You asked me if I would consider having the cancerous breast removed first and the second breast removed a few months later, I refused that option. Yet again you listened!

Mr.  G...... You carried out my wishes, you took what I had said and you took on board my worries and fears and my cancer, and you took them away.

I know and understand that what you did for me went against the grain and against all that you stand for in the preservation of healthy tissue, however, in doing the bilateral mastectomy you kept me as symmetrical as a human body can be, you kept me balanced, you kept me sane and you aided in reducing the risk of the cancer returning. You listened and you understood me. 

Yes I am sorry and devastated at having to have lost my breasts, but neither you or I did that. Cancer did that on 2nd October 2015. 

Saving a breast because it is healthy tissue is not always the right thing to do for a person, saving their life and sanity is. 

I will never be able to thank you and your amazing team of doctors and nurses who have cared so wonderfully for me. I have no regrets.

Thank you once again, I wish you great health, happiness and wealth, a long happy life, everything that I wish for myself. 

Kind Regards Always 

Your Patient

Elaine Murphy

'A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, an auntie, a teacher - happy with no regrets'

“I wondered if hurdlers ever thought, you know, "This would go faster if we just got rid of the hurdles.” ― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

One Week Following Surgery:

The week on St. Helen's ward flew by.  I was making quite the remarkable recovery. Even more remarkable was the fact that I was not suffering any pain. I used the morphine pump for the day of surgery and part of the following morning, but it just made me sleepy and I did not feel as though I needed it. So, I stopped pressing the button in order to try monitoring the level of pain I would have to endure should the morphine  go.  I didn't use the morphine after that. I was given diphene tablets and some paracetamol tablets. I was nervous about possible pain so I took the first diphene given to me, and then later that day the second one. I returned the pills that followed. I was not feeling pain at all. This came as a wonderful surprise as I was told at my pre-op assessment to expect anything from acute to chronic pain. It was this pain that I was nervously waiting to take hold. On day led on to the next and the pain did not arrive. I am not saying that having both your breasts removed is totally pain  free by any means, but different folk have different levels and definitions of pain. This was not pain. This was a slight discomfort. The feeling can only be described as having a tight fitting bra on. For anybody who has had long hair and then had the hair cut considerably shorter, there is a feeling on your head as though you are wearing a hat, your head feels slightly 'odd' after having a drastic hair cut, the same can be said about the feeling after a mastectomy. Well for me that is how it feels. The wounds, stitches and skin feel 'tight'.

By Tuesday the 12th January I was ready to go home, so I was given the once over and finally discharged from hospital. Suzanne picked me up, and gave me a lift to Kilcoole, where I was dropped off to Gerry who was picking Joe and Jim up from school. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Excited to be going home, but nervous as to how I would manage in the long term, not just physically manage at home, but mentally/psychologically/emotionally. So far, even to myself I seemed to be taking things so very well. My breasts had to be taken away from me, granted the right was at my insistence due to the chances of the cancer returning, but had cancer not appeared in the first place, I would still have had my breasts now. The taking away of my breasts would not have arisen at all. It just would not have happened. I said bye to Suzanne and hopped into the car with Gerry and the boys.  We made our way home. I was feeling tired, I was delighted to be with my family, but I was apprehensive of being home, looking after myself coping with my 'new look'. We arrived home. I knew that my job now, was to take things easy, not to stress over things and to rest. You just will not believe how easily it is to become tired, well more like utterly worn out after a simple car journey or walking up a flight of stairs or even making a cup of coffee. Everything is an effort. 

I went into the house, tiredness was setting in and I knew my parents and my sister were due over the following day. They were giving up their time from running their own homes and work to come and look after me, help me settle back at home and to ensure that I was not overdoing things and basically taking time out to make a full recovery. I sat down and chatted to Gerry and the boys, asked how they had managed whilst I was away in hospital and caught up on the news of home and school life. Then I sat back. Gerry and the boys had kept the home tidy, but as I looked around I noted that the polishing of the fire place hadn't been done, that there were clothes out of place, that the dining table had items on it that should not be there, and for some unfathomable reason, it rankled with me. I am not a 'nit picker' when it comes to my home, I love the fact that it is relaxed, that people who call have to take us as they find us. It may be a bit 'lived in' but it's not dirty. There may be a bit of dust but we live life rather than worry about the fact that there is some dust to blow away, but today this was not the case, This was bothering me. It started at the pit of my stomach, and every little thing that I deemed as being either 'out of place' or not up to standard made this rankled feeling grow and grow. I started to become short with Gerry, started to become snappy, started to sweat and grow annoyed, the annoyance became, cross, the cross became angry and then the anger exploded. Why? I do not know! I shouted at how they could have done better, at how they could have at least polished.... What the bloody hell was wrong with me? My husband and two sons had missed me, had hugged me, had welcomed me home and I was acting like an ungrateful old harridan, shouting, demanding and being so unbelievable hateful. This was not me. This was an unreasonable, uncalled for, and unacceptable explosive outburst that upset three of the people I love with all my heart. This was despicable of me. But why? I have tried to analyse this behaviour over the last week. Without making excuses for myself or using cancer as an excuse, I can only put this down to me being angry at having cancer, at cancer disfiguring me, at cancer taking parts of me away, emotionally, psychologically and physically, and me, turning that anger on those that love me. This is the second time an outburst of horrible proportions has occurred. I don't want a third. I have held it together I cannot let cancer create cracks in my relationship with my family. I love them too much to allow it to do that. It has created cracks in my health, halted my career, created cracks in my confidence (although I try and not let these show), has created and increased fears that I had never had, has played hell with my psychological strength. Basically cancer has infiltrated my entire life, stalled the daily march through the 'normality' of what is my life.

Wednesday 13th Jan  (Diane, Mum and Dad Arrive) 

Having profusely apologise to Gerry, Joe and Jim for my explosion last night, I still felt really guilty. I just wanted to cry when each of them individually hugged me and told me that it was OK, that it was all forgotten and that as far as they were concerned it had not happened. It made me want to cry. Gerry took the boys to school and I sat an waited for his return. Gerry came home and we got little bits done around the house. I went through any post that had arrived whilst I was in hospital and dealt with any issues, such as renewing our insurances and motor taxes etc. while Gerry got on with the heavier jobs of changing bedding and hoovering etc. I sat and had a coffee, the house was looking clean and tidy and I was feeling so relaxed. I turned on the television, Gerry had just made his own cup of tea when the door bell rang. It was my family, Mum, Dad and Diane. Unfortunately Roy was holding the fort business wise while Mum and Dad were away so he was unable to make the trip over. There were hugs and kisses all round and more teas were made. Joe and Jim finish school early on a Wednesday so Gerry had to leave to pick them up from Kilcoole. While Gerry went for the boys, I caught up on all the news from home and we laughed and chatted. I was feeling so content at having my parents and sister here with me. Mum and Dad had decided to book into Moneylands and Diane was staying with us.

We were talking about all sorts. Then the subject got onto the operation, so I was telling them all about my op to remove cancer. Whilst mid flow of describing the op and the subsequent results, my mobile phone rang. I looked at the screen and it was Gerry's nephew Darren. I answered the call. The call was one that I was not expecting at all and my blood ran cold at the message. Darren had called to look for Gerry, he could not get hold of him on his phone. I told Darren that Gerry had gone to pick up the boys and that I would tell him to call, but that was something that would not be necessary, Darren informed me that my Mother-in-Law, Jane Murphy had just passed away. I thanked Darren and put the phone down. My next action was to phone Gerry who had arrived at the school and was waiting for the boys to come out of classes. Gerry answered the phone and in his usual cheery and cheeky manner he answered the phone :

"Hello my dear, what can I do for you my darling wife?"
"Gerry, Darren has just phoned, he has been trying to call you. Gerry I am sorry, but it is about your Mum, Gerry she has passed away!"

There was deadly silence on the phone before Gerry replied and told me that he was on his way home. How that man held it together I will never know. His strength at receiving such devastating news was unreal. He and the boys arrived home 45 minutes later. The boys and Gerry were in a slight state of shock. My parents and Diane hugged Gerry and passed on their condolences. Gerry and I attended the nursing home that evening and steps were made to arrange the funeral. Willie Doyle the under taker arrived and all the information was given to me on how to arrange it all. A task that needed doing immediately, as the funeral was to be held that Saturday. Willie had the brochure of coffins with him so one was chosen immediately. That was one job down. Lots to go...

Thursday 14th January

Diane cleaning up Sylvester's vomit

First thing this morning, Sylvester (my handsome cat) welcomed Diane to the house by throwing up his breakfast, I'm so glad Di was there to help, I don't think I could have handled that myself today. Diane must have felt hungry though because at one point I thought she was going to start eating the stuff!

...Today was spent organising the funeral, Readers, Offertory, Memorium, Gospel reading, New Testament Reading, Old testament reading, pall bearers, Prayers of the faithful, Eulogy, Music, songs and singer. Looking for photograph of for Order of service, Proof reading the order of service, correcting the order of service, proof reading second copy of order of service, ordering flowers, meeting with the Parish Priest Fr. Donal Roach, (who, I have to add here is a lovely man), liaising with Willie Doyle (undertaker and another lovely man). I could not have managed to carry out the tasks necessary without the help of Willie, Fr. Donal and also Francis O Connor (my cousin-in-law) Who introduced Willie to us in the first place and she certainly was correct when she told us that Willie, besides being professional, was also a lovely down to earth man who would help us the whole way. Francis also agreed to read in the mass, which was a huge help. All arrangements were now made and my Mother-in-Law was going to have a good send off. Basically, less than 48 hours out of hospital and following major surgery, I had spent the whole day working on organising a funeral. It was mentally, emotionally and physically draining.  All my parents and sister could do was sit, watch and worry that I was overdoing things in such a short time. I could not have agreed more.

Amy also arrived home today, and was picked up from the port by Suzanne. We really would be lost without her help. Suzanne has been an absolute tower of strength and source of help to both Gerry and I during this very emotionally, psychologically, physically and mentally difficult time. Thank you Suzanne.

Friday 15th January

My appointment with Mr Geraghty following my surgery was at 11:00 am today. Once again we went to the hospital for our meeting in what we have now christened 'the cancer room'. Mr Geraghty came in and sat down. His first words were along the lines of 'Elaine, you are now Cancer Free'. Cancer free in the sense that they have cut away all the cancer by carrying out the bilateral mastectomy. They had also removed all the lymph nodes on the left, removing the cancer that infected them too. I will soon see Chemotherapy Oncologist, Dr. Gullo who will discuss whether I will need three milder sessions of chemotherapy or not. I will then have a meeting with Dr Salib in St Luke's, where my radiotherapy sessions will be arranged. I will have five weeks of intensive radiotherapy sessions. I will also be on a tablet for the next five years, with a review after five years and then a tablet for a further five years. Although I am mid treatment, the rest of the treatment to come will be precautionary and preventative measures.... So yes as of now I am Cancer Free, not to mention Boob Free too. A high price to pay for sure!

Mr Geraghty left the room and walked out with Gerry. I was going to have dressings and one of my drains removed. Mr Geraghty introduced himself to my family and hands were shaken and thanks conveyed.

Despite the passing of his Mother, Gerry was like a child who had eaten every blue smarty and skittle in a sweetshop. He was not far of cartwheeling about the place. Cancer Free, Elaine is Cancer free! He was bounding about the place as thought on springs and his smile, happiness, laughter and sheer delight was not only palpable but contagious too.

I had my dressings removed and two of the drains removed. Quite an unpleasant sensation that is for sure, and certainly not pain free.  We left the hospital, I had to sit down for a short while as the drain removal had me feeling a little bit weak. We headed to the car and I rang Amy, Joe and Jim who were waiting to hear from us. We were heading to D'Arcy McGee's for lunch and the children were meeting us there. The same place we attended 15 weeks ago to the day after being told that I had cancer. Basically we were putting a demon to rest here. We all sat and ordered our meals, Gerry was still as high as a kite on happiness. I had my first pint of Guinness since the 2nd October last year, and yes it was delicious. After the meal, Mum went to the hairdressers, Dad was taking her and coming back to take Gerry, myself and the children home to pick up the car.

Gerry and I picked up the car, went to buy roses for the grandchildren to put onto the coffin at the cemetery tomorrow. I had to get them memorium items together for Joe, Jim, Aaron and Barry to carry up and then we had to attend the funeral parlour for a prayer service from 6:00pm - 8:00pm.
At the funeral parlour, I checked that all the flower arrangements had arrived and that everything was in order for tomorrow. So many people arrived to pay their respects. It was lovely to see my colleague Jim O Riordan turn up too. How thoughtful a thing to do. Thank  you Jim. We chatted and soon Jim left. I went to find Gerry and to sit down for a while.

I was starting to feel quite weak and certainly did not want to cause a scene here at the funeral home, after all, I didn't want them getting any ideas and measuring me up for more business, two birds with one stone and all that stuff. I found a seat next to a heater, oh my goodness the cold was getting to me, I mean really freezing to the bone cold. I was shivering beyond belief and my surroundings were starting to look as though they were moving. It was getting harder and harder to hold things together, so as soon as it was announced that the prayers were taking place, I excused myself and remained in my now quiet corner. I had told Gerry that I was feeling a little 'odd' and put it down to the new antibiotics I had taken before leaving the house. I felt as though everything was spinning. Not a good feeling at all. I was chugging classes of water like a lunatic too. God I wish this prayer service would end, and end soon. I needed to get home.

The Amy, Joe and Jim came into the room "Mum what is wrong?" I told them that there was nothing wrong that I was tired and just wanted to get home, Gerry came along and agreed to leave immediately. We said our goodbyes, everything for the funeral was now in place and I could get home. We arrived home in under 20 minutes. I had warned the children not to say anything to Auntie Di or to Nainy and Grandad or they would only worry. They didn't have to say anything. I walked into the room, sat on the chair and went into a super speed decline. My body was tremoring, I had a temp of nearly 41 deg. C. I was unaware of what was going on. I needed taking to the toilet, I needed dressing into PJ's, I needed help to walk and I needed nursing. I was ill, more ill than I have ever felt. My Mum rang St. Anne's ward and were told to get me into hospital immediately. An ambulance arrived and I was taken to hospital. My Sister travelled with me and my parents followed in the car. Gerry and the children remained at home.

At hospital tests were carried out and chest x-ray's taken. I was diagnosed with both pneumonia and sepsis. Initially I was in Resus, we are on first term names there now. Diane stayed with me all night, she stroked my head or my arm, easing me back to sleep, she held the sick bowl for me as I vomited, she held me while I cried. Diane remained with me right up  until she had to leave for the boat the next day. The poor girl had not had a minute of sleep. Thank you Di, you were and are an absolute tower of strength. I love you.

Friday 22nd January

OMG... I look shitty here! 

I was admitted onto St. Luke's ward for two days then moved back onto St Helen's ward. I have been here for a week now and I will be here now until the Sepsis has cleared. I have to keep having needle aspirations (draining of fluid from wound area by needle). There is a build up of fluid that has gone bad. It is supposed to be thin, watery and clear, mine is the consistency of custard, colour of caramel and basically disgusting. I have to have a needle the approximate length of 3 - 4 inches, quite thick inserted into my chest and fluid pulled out. So far there has been 530 mls of fluid drawn out. I am waiting for the nurse to come and do it again as I type. Oh the joy! There is definitely one thing that I have to mention here, and that is that the care and concern of the nurses, carers, and the whole team who look after me is second to none. I have been looked after so well that I just cannot thank everyone here on St. Helen's ward enough.

I heard that the funeral went really well. There was a get together in Phil Healy's afterwards too. This was thankfully organised by Rocky (Seamus) my Brother-in-Law. Three of my colleagues attended the funeral, Carmel, Orla and Geraldine - Thank you ladies, you were fantastic to do that. Gerry and I appreciated that very much.

Well folks, This has been yet another set back in my recovery. How many more setbacks can I take? That I cannot answer, but I will keep fighting. I do get very low and yes I do cry, it is not all positivity and roses. However these times are needed or somewhere along the line I would end up with some sort of breakdown. All I want now is to get my life back, have some sort of 'normality' back in my life, to be free from hospitals, discomfort and ill health. Sure, a small lotto win (enough to pay the mortgage) wouldn't go amiss too, God, if you are listening!

Life is About Moving On, Accepting Changes and Looking Forward to What Makes You Stronger and More Complete!

New Year and the few days that followed:

Hello 2016!

New Year and ringing in 2016 with my family was a huge success. We were all up at Roy's house and my Nephew, Andrew, had gone to great expense and organisation in preparing the fireworks for ringing in the new year. He has a great interest in pyrotechnics. Something I feel he would be really good at. Roy and Fran had prepared a lovely buffet, with a huge pot of curry and rice and also a turkey casserole prepared by Fran's Uncle. Diane had made a quiche and also a meringue, while Mum made her signature dish of Potatoe Salad. There was so much food, and all of it lovely. I decided that Capt. Morgan would be my poison for the night, and Sarah, Dafydd's girlfriend introduced me to 'Cubans'. Delicious to say the least. The night was filled with laughter and fun, conversation and reminiscence. At midnight Andrew lit up the skies around Old Colwyn with the most amazing display of fireworks I have ever seen outside of a professional display. Well done Andrew, you made us all so proud of you. My photographs of the fireworks do not do the display justice. All too soon the night ended and we all headed home. I hope that 2016 is a good year for us all. 

New Year's Day was a big family affair with all of us, once again at Mum and Dad's where we had a beautiful meal prepared by Mum, and relaxed from the night before. 

On Saturday evening, Roy had rung up and asked if I wanted to go for a run in his new car. Indeed I did. Roy and I had not spent much time together to have a catch up. He picked me up and we drove to Llandudno. I spotted an antiques shop that was still open. We stopped the car and got out to peruse the interesting items found in this treasure trove of history. I often look at goods whether they be furniture or items of jewellery and wonder if they could speak, what stories they could tell us. There were clocks, trunks, heavy wooden units with intriguing carvings, silver hairbrush sets and locked boxes and cases of all sorts of varieties. We left there and looked into the window of an antique jewellery shop. The diamonds glittered and the gold shone, so did the prices. A gold fob with lapis lazuli, Cornelion and Jade stones caught my eye. I like fobs and have always wanted one like this. 

"... It is £195 love, but if you want it I can do it for £150!"

A woman standing outside the shop smoking called over to me, strange how the smell of cigarettes churns my stomach now. I nodded and smiled and said that I would talk to my husband. Roy and I headed back to the car. We headed up to Lladudno Junction where we picked up a chippy from Enoch's, then stopped to pick up a Chinese in Penrhyn Bay for Roy and Fran and finally we stopped at Aydin's Eatery in Colwyn Bay for their very tasty kebabs for Gerry, Myself and Joe. Jim decided the chippy was his meal of choice tonight. We then headed back to  Mum and Dad's after having a lovely catch up, stroll out and run in the car

The rest of the weekend flew by. On the Sunday I had pre-booked a table at 'The Black Lion' in Llanfairtalahairn. The 15 of us were going there for lunch to round of an incredible Christmas and New Year spent together.  Sixteen years since we had all seen each other over Christmas and spent any time together. Sixteen years, all this had been arranged last Christmas, little did I know then that I would be bringing a dark shadow with me, that uninvited guest called cancer.  I did my level best not to dwell on the cancer this festive season, but it was always there like a little gremlin hiding in the dark, always there to waiting pop into my mind as I tried falling asleep each night. Always there with that evil ability to make you cry quietly at night when everyone was asleep. Silent tears, silent worry and silent fear. 

Sunday was a lovely day, yes it was grey and windy, but that was not an issue. We were all together and heading off for our lunch out. The Black Lion was lovely, the food was delicious and the company was just perfect. We all had a lovely meal. I also had the added pleasure of trying 'Black Dragon' a Welsh produced Cider. 'Oh Yes!' it certainly hit the spot. A perfect traditinally tasting, refreshing beverage. So good in fact, I purchased four further bottles to enjoy when  back in Ireland.  After our meal, we left and took all the cars home. Diane drove us all to the Marine, where we spent a couple of hours laughing, joking and watching football. At one point a gentleman approached me. Apparently he had been watching me during the afternoon. He had approached my brother too and asked about me, I guess the hair, or lack of it, is a dead give away when it comes to this cancer. I have refused to hide behind hats and wigs. Well, this gentleman came up to me and was so kind that he almost had me reduced to tears. He bent low so that I could hear him;

"... You are an inspiration, an amazing lady. I have watched  you all afternoon, you have laughed, joked and smiled all afternoon. You truly are an inspiration, I am very honoured to have met you... "

The lovely accolades went on, and as he left he asked me one thing;

"... all I ask is that you don't grow more hair than me!"

lol, Sir I don't know your name but unfortunately that is not a promise I can keep. Whoever you are, you don't know just how much you made my day on Sunday the 3rd January. Thank you so much. You see, I was returning to Ireland on the Monday and facing major surgery on the Tuesday. At this point of the weekend, much of my laughter was very much bravado and trying to keep a lid on the urge to scream and cry "Why me... why the hell did this have to happen to me?"

Monday arrived far too quickly. Naturally the last thing that I wanted was to leave my family, my wonderful, supporting and loving family, my towers of strength and my companions in laughter. It was time for Gerry, Joe, Jim and myself to bid our Welsh home goodbye for now and return to our home in Ireland. A home that is equally full of love and laughter, but missing our Amy and a few other folk. We all tried to keep things light and tear free. Gerry, the boys and I packed the car earlier in the morning so that we could avoid a last minute panic. We then relaxed over a lovely big breakfast prepared by Dad for our last morning there. Diane and Andrew called down to see us off. We sat quietly, nobody knew really what to say as everyone was feeling that horrid feeling when you have to say bye bye to folk knowing it is going to be a while before you see them again. We were leaving at 11:30 a.m. as we had to be at the port an hour before the actual sailing. Roy rang to say that he was on his way to the house as he was picking up window cleaning scrims from Northern Potteries for Gerry. Roy arrived at the house just before 11:00 am with both Ella and Ffion. Mum called me and told me that Roy wanted to see me. I nipped up to him. Roy presented me with a little blue velvet box, inside the box was the lovely fob I had seen the previous Saturday. What a beautiful surprise;

"... Im telling you Sis, that belonged to a really wealthy old fella, who had a long life and all his good luck is going to be passed on to you..." 

... said Roy. Regardless of the history of the piece Roy had purchased for me, for us it will always carry good luck because of the love that went into buying it for me. Thank you Roy. I now had two pieces to bring into hospital with me. Roy's Fob and Diane's Blaket. Yes Surrounded by love indeed.

We gathered around the dining room table and looked up the meaning of the stones in the fob. Yes indeed all of them carry some good fortune and health. All too soon it was time for us to leave. We bid our farewells and yes tears were shed. We got on the road and headed to Holyhead. We checked in and boarded our ferry. I had booked us into Stena Plus, and so we all took our seats and hunkered down for the three and a half hour journey. I fell fast asleep and slept for most of the trip back. Just after five we were docking in North Wall. Right of heavy traffic time. The journey home to Arklow took us just under an hour and 45 minutes and we were back in the house by seven that evening. Besides unpacking, which I didn't get round to doing, all I had to do was pack a bag for tomorrow, D-Day. Yup nerves were starting to make an appearance.

Tuesday 5th January 

Day of Surgery

This morning I left the boys sleeping in bed. They had had a long journey and a tiring night. School isn't starting until tomorrow. I said bye to them last night and told them not to get up this morning. Gerry and  l left the house at 6:00am. We were both quiet and apprehensive as to what the day would bring. I had recieved many good luck wishes via facebook, WhatsApp, and text messages. We arrived at the car park in St. Vincent's hospital. Gerry waved and indicated for me to pull into the space next to this large car, it was Suzanne, she had arrived at the hospital to keep Gerry company while I was in surgery. It was a good thing that Suzanne had arrived, the previous day Gerry had pulled something in his back while unloading the car and was unable to help me with my bag. Suzanne carried the bag, while I carried the laptop and my blanket. I had also worn my Fob too. Gerry would take this home for safe keeping while I was in hospital. We all walked to St Marks Ward where I was checked in by the nurse. We took a seat and just after half 7 a nurse called us in to another waiting room. From what I could make out, all those facing one kind of surgery or another were using this waiting room and leaving from here. I was told that I was third on the list and would be going to theatre at approximately 11:30 am. By 9:00 am I was called to a side room where all my details were checked and double checked. I returned to Gerry and Suzanne who were waiting patiently in the waiting room. At 9:30 am, I was called again and told to change into the hospital gowns and put on support socks. I was being prepped for theatre. I was going now. I dashed back to tell Gerry and Sue that I was now going. I left my belongings with them and followed the nurse. My heart felt like it was hammering in my chest and I felt quite light headed. I could feel a bit of a panic starting to rise in my chest.  The nurse told me to follow her and we headed back in the direction of the waiting room. Suzy was standing at the end of the corridor, ready to head off to St. Jame's hospital to see her Dad, While Gerry was loaded up with my belongings in the waiting room. I still had my docs on so told Gerry to wait where he was until the nurse brought my shoes back to him.  I had a couple of hugs and headed off with the nurse to be further prepped for surgery.

I climbed onto the trolley and had a blanket put over me. Mr Geraghty came and shook my hand and wished me well. The Nurse who escourted me took my boots back to Gerry. The theatre nurses took over. Everything was done efficiently and yet with great care and tenderness. I was wheeled into the theatre and transfered onto the operating table. There were straps that held you onto the table, those operating tables are extremely narrow and there is no wiggle room at all. Everything that needed to be explained to me was, and then a doctor came and put a cannula into my arm. "I will be administering the anaesthetic through this and then morphine will be hooked up to it following the operation", I was told.  I was out cold in seconds.

A couple of hours after surgery

I woke up back on St. Helen's Ward at four that afternoon. Mind you I use the term 'Woke Up' very loosely. My eyes rolled and I groaned a hello to Gerry and also to Suzanne, whom I later found out had returned to the hospital after Gerry had called her to let her know where he was. Suzanne went over to keep him company. They waited and waited in the room wondering what was keeping me. I was in surgery for approximately five hours and in recovery for approximately an hour, before being wheeled to my room. I was out of it for a while. Suzanne kept wetting my lips with drops of water while Gerry held my hand or rubbed my feet. Between them they really did take care of me. A couple of hours later I was fairly awake and talking to my two guardians. Suzanne and Gerry left and I slept through the night, mind you the morphine did help. I woke the next morning and found that I spent the bulk of the day either chatting or sleeping. I kept drifting off. There was very little pain and I was also feeling very slightly nauseas with the morphine. I tended to use it as little as possible when I realised that it was making me feel sick.  On Wednesday I had a visit from three of my colleagues, Siobhann Free, Mary Green and Catherine Daly, in between I had Suzanne and Gerry and the boys there. It was a busy day. I slept again on Wednesday night, and once again it was with thanks to morphine. I found that I was using it more at night more for the effects of it helping me sleep rather that to keep the pain at bay. Thursday morning I had the drip removed. I was more awake, sitting out for the whole day and lively. Colleagues from work Carmel Dempsey (principal) and Orla Keyes (deputy principal) popped in to visit me. It was lovely to see them. Elaine Christodoulou, another of my colleagues called early evening and we chatted ten to the dozen. I was being very spoilt having all these visitors.

Day 3 after Surgery:

two drains on the left

one drain on the right. 

Today has been quite a different day. I have felt so low. People just talking and asking how I am has reduced me to tears. Suzanne visited for an hour or so, and after that Gerry, Joe and Jim arrived. I put on a brave face for them all but I just wanted to get my bags and head out of the hospital and home. We played cards, we talked and then I went to bed as I was starting to tire quite a lot. I have also had quite an upset stomach today which has not helped at all. But this sadness is quite over whelming. When Gerry and the boys were leaving I just cried. I am getting quite cross with myself too as there really is no reason for this.

There is some slight discomfort, but nothing that I could quantify as being pain. Anyone who has had their hair grow really long then have it cut really short so that you constantly feel like you have a hat on your head, well that is how my chest feels, like I have something strapped to it. When it is quite the opposite. I have nothing there... at all! The doctor has just left and I will be in hear at least until next Tuesday, apparently feeling low at this stage after a general anaesthetic is quite normal. The fluid is now draining nicely and there should be at least one drain removed by the time I am leaving. I have learned how to empty the drains and how to record the amount of fluid collected. Not a nice task but one that is necessary.

This cancer has created quite a life changing situation for me. I have had to deal with the fact that I have cancer, I have had to be strong, and now I have had to have major surgery. I will spend the next five years at least wondering if every twitch and twinge is the cancer returning. I will just have to develope a way of putting this to the back of my mind or paranoia will take over. I have to look forward now, to a changed life, a healthier way of living, and take up interests and activities that make me stronger. Now is my chance to embrace change and make it work for me.  Night night folks. I hope that this latest addition to my blog finds you all healthy and happy and embracing all that is good in life. Do it now, because one day you will find that you have just simply run out of time. Sleep well everyone. xxx