Surprises, Laughter and Tears.

Week 1:  After 2nd Chemo

Chemo had taken place on the Thurday.  Friday, I had had such a great day with an amazing burst of energy and had used this energy positively to do housework that I felt needed doing. By Friday evening I was still on something of an 'energetic high'. I knew that I had to get to bed that evening or I would be totally jaded the next day. Sleep however was extremely evasive. Gerry and I watched T.V., I couldn't concentrate on anything really, and I felt totally restless.  By midnight Gerry said 

"Come on hon, you are going to need to sleep or you will be ill!" 

He headed up stairs and I followed up about 40 minutes later. 

By half past one in the morning, I was still tossing and turning. I finally dozed off  only to wake again at half two, four, and again at half five in the morning. This was so frustrating. Finally I fell asleep. I was somewhere in the 'Land of Nod', and stirred when I felt Gerry getting out of bed, I opened one eye, and Gerry said 

"shhhh.. go back to sleep, It's only 7:00a.m. but I'm awake now and going downstairs" 

"Ok..." 

I muttered and drifted back off to sleep.  I could hardly have been asleep for 10 minutes when I sensed that there was somebody in the room. It was pitch black as the hallway light had been turned off. 

"Gerry... Gerry are you there?... Hello... who is there?" 

A slight sense of apprehension started to build, when all of a sudden this icy cold hand held my arm... As icy cold as it was, It was small, soft and a hand I knew straight away... With a bigger second hand gently stroking my now bald head.... I could not believe it and a sob of joy escaped as I clung like a baby to my wonderful Mum and Dad. My parents, both in thier 70's who have worked so hard all their lives are still there for me now. Every bit as much the towers of strength they were for me as a child, they have that same strength about them now, and I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I held onto them as though my life depended on it. They held me and Dad told me that everything was going to be alright. I had put on the lamp and was concious of how I looked. Although I have sent and posted up photo's of myself sans hair, I still felt a slight 'self conciousness' seeing Mum and Dad with my 'new' look. Dad held me and stroked my head saying that I still looked beautiful.  What an absolutely wonderful surprise. I had my parents with me for the next four and a half days.  

That day, we spent time together chatting, catching up and laughing. We went down to do the grocery shopping that afternoon. Mum and Dad had brought over a beautiful leg of welsh lamb. All the trimmings were bought to make a wonderful roast dinner the next day. 

On Monday, I went with Mum and Dad to take Joe and Jim to school. We headed off, dropped the boys and took the coast road back to Arklow. We decided to stop off in Bridgewater Shopping Centre for a stroll around. It was in here, I noticed that my legs seemed to be getting weaker and weaker. I said nothing but Mum noticed that I was dragging my foot. 

"C'mon, time to get you home I can see that you are tired"

We got to the car and headed home. I walked in the front door and it was as though all the energy had been sapped from my body. I sat down and reclined the seat back. I felt very tired. As the day progressed, I became weaker and weaker. I had eaten breakfast and lunch, as well as having taken all medications as instructed. This second bout of chemo was making itself known. A 'pins and needles' like feeling in my toes, soles of my feet and my fingers, that awful metallic taste in my mouth with tastebuds having packed their bags and left and an utter feeling of weakness. I dozed sporadically. Mum and Dad prepared tea, and at three left to go and pick up the boys. They arrived home, I was still zonked out on the sofa. By now the aches and pains in my bones were making an unwelcome return. I now know that chemo does hurt the bones, but the lonquex compacts those pains and they increase dramatically. I will know tomorrow if the other drug that I have to inject has any other or additional horrible side effects as I start the 5 day jab plan tomorrow (Thursday) 'Oh the Joy!' Mum went into the kitchen and continued cooking dinner. I felt hopeless and lazy. At tea time we all went to the table. Grace was said and we all started to eat, I could feel myself getting hotter and hotter and left the table to get a drink of water. I was returning to the table and could physically feel my knees getting weaker. It was as though my whole body was just starting to 'fold' in half. I made it to the table but was rapidly getting weaker. Mum and Gerry held me and walked me back to the sofa, I passed out as I was lowered into the seat. I drifted in and out of conciousness. This was a surreal and slightly frightening occurrance as I appeared unable to shake of this drowsiness. I was given lucozade to boost energy, slowly I came round. I ate my tea later that evening and later went to bed. I slept deeply. 

The following morning, once again my parent's took the boys to school whilst I slept right through until just before lunch time.  The aches were reducing a lot today, but the feeling of utter weakness was something that I just could not believe. It is hard to even describe just how weak chemo can make you feel. I am an avid reader, but I couldn't hold my book, I went online to fill in a form but looking at the screen had me on the verge of passing out once again. There was, in all utter honesty, absolutely nothing I could do without feeling as though I was weaker than a new born kitten. Walking to and from the bathroom had me holding myself up against the wall, climbing the stairs to take a bath had me breathing as though I had run a marathon, climbing into the bath had me shaking like a leaf. I managed to climb out of the bath and put on fresh pyjamas. The shaking was just awful. I headed up to bed a bit earlier and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. 

Today, I woke up and felt a lot better. I headed downstairs and Mum and Dad arrived at about ten. I wasn't much looking forward to today, as today Mum and Dad were going home. I always get upset when they go but now that I have this diagnosis, I just don't want to be apart from them at all. It is terrible getting this sort of diagnosis as it stops you in your tracks and makes you take total stock of  your  life. It makes you prioritise and quite frankly it makes you realise that we as human beings are not at all immortal. Today I didn't want to let my Mum and Dad go. Today, in my heart, I felt like I had many years ago when I was first left at school in St Joseph's in Colwyn Bay, In Mrs Morgan-Jones's class. I broke my heart. Today I felt like that little girl. All I wanted was my Mum and Dad to either stay or take me home with them. Yes, I am still a baby at heart. It made me realise that no matter how old we get, we will always be our Parent's 'babies'. If you are lucky to have your parents and have a good relationship with them, it makes you realise that you actually will always need your parents. We hugged and said bye and off Mum and Dad left to get the boat from North Wall in Dublin. After they had left, then came my tears. 

Not to leave this on a 'depressing note' ... I don't like closing my blog on a depressing note.... I thought I would share this little episode with you. 

This could of course not have gone without incident, after all, I am my parent's daughter, my life is never without incident or occurrence.... and I didn't lick this up of the floor.... 

My Dad drove himself and Mum to the port. They arrived there safely and on time for their sailing. They had checked in and were in the line behind the other cars in readiness to board the boat. There were many others behind them all waiting to get on and get going. Mum and Dad headed to get a hot chocolate, returned to the car and settled down with their books. After all they still had and hour and 45 minutes to wait. Mum and Dad were totally engrossed in their books. So engrossed were they, that they failed to notice that the cars in front of them had boarded. As it happens, Mum was at a particularly exciting part of her story and nearly had a heart attack when she was suddenly hit by a flying book and the contents of a packet of crisps that had been launched in her direction as Dad panicked to catch up to the other cars and get boarded. This had the effect of lightening their afternoon and they both laughed and laughed as Mum was picking crisps up from all over her and the front of the car. 

What am I doing right now?   Laughing my head off at the images going through my mind... Laughing because once we stop laughing and let that low 'funk' envelope us.... well you may as well give up.... Laughter... lots of it, really does help... :) 

Parts of My towers of strength. My Dad, Gerry , Roy,  Diane and My Mum
More pictures of other towers of strength to follow: My children, more family and friends. :)
Thank you xx