Chemical Warfare Attack No. 2 - Ironically synced with the release of Call of Duty - Someone recognised the fighting soldier in me :)

Chemo Session No. 2 - Two down four to go :)

This week started off with a call from the Nurse at the Breast Clinic on Monday. This was to arrange todays meeting with the Surgeon regarding the surgery I will be needing after the series of Chemotherapy. As you are aware from my last blog, I mentioned how this call went and the outcome, the main one that the meeting be postponed until the 20th to give me more time to consider councelling.... Now you will all know my feelings on that one.  So I shall move swiftly on :) 

I worked my way through the week by downloading information on my rights and statistics of cancer appearing in the remaining breast should a bi-lateral mastectomy not be carried out. I have armed myself to the teeth with info. So my form of councelling has worked to my benefit, well to

my fighting attitude and good mental health. Now to wait a week for the meeting.

I had another call from the Radiotherapy Intervention team to discuss my arrival on Tuesday to have the Port-a-Cath fitted.  I also mentioned this in and the fitting of it in my last blog, I have now had this for four days. Yesterday it was to be used to allow the chemotherapy to be administerd in a more comfortable manner and would speed up the whole process. However, we are talking about me here, and as per usual if anything can go wrong it will...  'MURPHY'S LAW' once again.

I arrived at the hospital on time for my appointment. I had very little time to wait and Naimh - the nurse looking after me for the day  called me through. She took a look at the situation of the port, the considerable bruising both in my breast, upper chest and in my arm and was concerned enough to take bloods to check my platelets. The bruising is unfortunately quite extensive. Unfortunately, the bruising must be quite bad internally as there is extensive swelling around the port itself, as a result it could not be used. Therefore a good vein had to be searched for and used for today's chemotherapy that would be slowly administered over the day. I have to say, Niamh was fantastic at finding a strong vein and inserting the needle without me feeling any pain or discomfort at all. First a flush was put throught he cannula in order to ensure that everything flowed correctly, the first bag of chemotherapy followed next. This took just under three hours to flow through the cannula. The hours were divided into sets of 20 minutes after each 20 min the chemotherapy drip was increased slightly in speed. Once this was finished another flush was run throught the system. The second bag of chemotherapy was then set up and this ran through in just over an hour. This was followed by a third and final flush.

The Oncologist did the rounds while I was there. He too looked at the port and the extensive bruising. He asked that I keep an eye on it and that hopefully it will be fine for use for the duration of the rest of my sessions. I had a lovely time talking to the oncologist who patiently listened to my questions and answered them all. He informed me that I have Stage 2 cancer, which came as a relief to me, because I was expecting it to be stage 3 with the fact that the two new tumours had made an appearance. However, this does not move up a stage as the cancer is still in the same area and has not moved to another organ. He also cheered me up and said that in his opinion from the feel of the original lump, it appears to be responding positively to the chemotherapy. Albeit that it is responding well it does not unfortunately rule out the mastectomy in favour of a lumpectomy because of the two new tumours. Despite the fact that they are small (the tumour, and not my boobs),  they are situated very close to the chest bone. This is unfortunately very deep in the breast and as a result the whole breast will need to be removed. This has only enhanced the desire for a bi-lateral mastectomy. I have decided that I definitely do not want to entertain the notion of breast restructuring. I do not think that it looks very pleasant and, in my opinion, it does not really look like a breast at all, to get that 'boob' look, further cosmetic surgery will be needed months down the line and this comes at greast cost as it is not deemed as part of your surgical needs, but as cosmetic needs. I also have a reluctance to putting anything else into where my breast should be. I am getting rid of cancer and do not like the idea of replacing it with gel pads or body fat or netting etc. It will not give me any sensation, will not give me confidence, will not look pleasant and  will look like something having been put together with play-dough. 

Naturally this desire for a bi-lateral mastectomy is just my feeling and opinion, this will not be the desire of  all other women facing the same choice who may opt and be in favour of breast restructuring, some will go for the cosmetic surgery which is great if that is what you want and if it what you can afford. I feel that as a person who has developed cancer in the breast, I have almost come to view them as my 'enemy', something to be removed, with the second breast being removed for a number of reasons. These reasons are as follows (and remember these are my reasons, if other people facing breast surgery and are considering going for restructuring, that is great. That is your desire and need, I have an abject fear of this disease returning in the 'good' breast) 

Reasons:

1. Absolute Fear of Cancer returning in second breast, I never want to have to go through this again!
2. No desire at all for having restructuring surgery due to reasons already given
3. Mental and psychological stress at the thought of just having one breast
4. Wanting my body to look balanced 
5. Offended that restructure would really only benefit others by making me look more aesthetically pleasing to those looking at me, clothed naturally (I must look normal/ conform by having a 'rack')
6. Dread the thought at looking at myself in the mirror supporting just one breast and scar tissue along side it.  A cruel prospect.
7. Objection to being told that I should be considering everything I do NOT want and almost being forced to go down that road. No matter how distressed it may make me. 
8. Not being listened to by the people who count when it comes to MY surgery.

Today I made a decision. I have read so much, looked at statistics of cancers returning, and arming myself with information. I also called upon my GP. One of the most supportive and caring GP's in existence. My GP kindly called to my house today, sat and had a coffee and let me offload all my fears and worries. Now this is the listening skill that Surgeons do need to adopt. To say that I am feeling so much more relaxed and confident is an understatement. You see, should the Surgeons decide that they will not carry out a bi-lateral mastectomy, because we are in the E.U., If I can find a bonefide centre of excellence in breast cancer care, I can have the operation carried out abroad. Now to arm myself up with Breast Clinics in the U.K. who will help me. Take the steps to provisionally book this surgery so that it is all ready to go should I not be supported here. It will all fit in with the time scale that we are working to, and I can return to have the continuation of radiotherapy here when I get back. The added bonus being that this is all done at the cost of the HSE - I guess there is a bonus to being a hard working tax payer. To say that this has made me mentally relax is an understatement. Now to continue with my battle stratergy and to batton down the hatches. I think I am going to have a battle within a battle going on here.  

Considering I had chemo yesterday, I have had an amazing burst of energy today. I took the boys to school first thing this morning, Gerry made all the beds, did the upstairs bathrooms and vaccuumed for me, he had also vaccuumed downstairs too. When I got home, Gerry headed off to work and I steamed all the floors, did the downstairs guest toilet, cleaned my cooker, washed down the front of all the kitchen presses, my fridge and dishwasher, washed out the fish bowl and fed the dog, cat and bird. Whilst doing this I had my music playing and also downloaded lots of information on my rights. I worked up a lovely hunger. It is the first time I have actually felt hungry since I recieved my diagnosis of Cancer.  So, ham and cheese salad sandwich, with mayo, and ice cold bottle of water to wash it all down and my desert of anti-sickness tablet. Yummy :) I had a very relaxing afternoon, read my book for a while, and typing up my blog, chatting to my Mum and my little sister, Diane on the phone, when suddenly my email chimmed... the offer of working from home tutoring on a Continuous Proffessional Development Course from January arrived in my inbox. Now that will keep me busy and my mind on other things for a while. 

I hope all my readers and followers are feeling just as good as I am at the mo, of course I will have my low times but it is during those times that I will rest and recuperate building up energy to continue my fight, whatever life may be throwing at you right now, if you can sit back close your eyes and hold your hands out slightly in front of you, imagine that they are a set of scales with your postive points in one hand and the negative points in the other. Mentally image one negative point at a time - look at it in your mind, ponder on it and look at your positives and see how you can utilise them to turn that one negative to a positive, whether it be asking for help from friends, family, professionals, service providers if it is a bill or anything. Sometimes even sharing the problem helps you to solve it by just talking - things seem to become clearer and easier to address.  That negative can then be removed making your negative side of your scale that bit lighter and more manageable .  It is this sort of method I use to help me tackle things that arise. I continue to entertain myself with my interests, such as reading, solving puzzles (Rubik cubes), listening to my music, watching films, colouring and painting. If you are at home fighting an illness, or out of work,  if you have the strength, keeping yourself busy is the key. I have not yet attended the cancer support services here locally, but I intend to this next week. There are a lot of activities to take part in and new friends to make who may be in the same boat as me. Despite my illness, despite the deep underlying fear of a possible early demise, despite the debts that rise very quickly in these situations, I still feel that life is good. I have wonderful support from family, friends, colleagues and you as readers of my blog. Blogging gives me the platform to have my moan, get rid of my frustration and anxieties. Then when I hear that it is helping others it also gives me a purpose. I am going to continue blogging throughout my treatment, to what I hope and pray will be a remarkable full recovery. I hope that you all continue to follow my progress and for those of you who are feeling that you are getting strength and support from this blog long may that continue. Tonight Im finishing this blog on a big THANK  YOU for your continued support. Now it is time to go back to relaxing and watching Corrie with my family so I will bid you all a good night, I just hope and pray that I am feeling as bouyed and a amazingly well tomorrow as I have done today.  Night night all.