Cancer: "Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself!" Hermoine Granger - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret, by: JK Rowling

Monday 21st September 2015

I was up early this particular morning and decided to head straight to the shower. As usual, my older son, who is 6ft5 tall, had been in there the night before and left the head of the shower at its highest point. I groaned and stood on tiptoe as I reached to lower it down. Whilst reaching up I felt a slight  'pulling' sensation in my left armpit. I reached to press into the area and in doing so felt a slight raise on the top of my left bust. "oh, that wasn't there before" I thought and felt it again. I decided that this might be deserving of a call the the GP. I am well known for ignoring my health issues and just plodding on regardless. However, I had a feeling that this might just need investigation. I carried on with my Monday morning routine and headed off to work. At first break, I decided to give the doctor's surgery a call and was given an appointment for 5:00pm that evening. I put that to the back of my mind and got on with my working day. On the drive home that evening, I drove straight past the surgery, having totally forgotten about my appointment, having also forgotten about this mysterious lump that has appeared too. On arriving home, like a flashlight going off, I recalled the 'date with the doc', dropped off the boys and quickly drove back along the route I had taken only 10 Min earlier. Thankfully I was on time. The GP saw me and immediately, agreeing that there was a lump there, she referred me to St. Vincent's Breast Clinic. At this point I was very confident that it was nothing and happy enough to get it all checked out.

Friday 25th September 2015

My week had been a fairly uneventful one with all going well in work and plans being drawn up for the science and I.T. club I would be running after school. The application to the Primary Science Fair outlining our experiment was made, along with the application for racing our electric car up in Nutts Corner County Antrim for the third year running. At lunch time my phone rang. The secretary from the Breast Clinic was calling to ask me to attend the clinic the following Monday at 1:00p.m. for the '3 in 1' appointment - Mammogram, Ultrasound and if necessary a biopsy. Naturally I said that I would be there. I met with our school Principal and told her about the appointment. I was still very laid back, and rolled my eyes in irritation at the inconvenience of having to disrupt my working day and my personal routine. I headed home with my two sons at the end of the day, and told Gerry (my husband) about the up and coming appointment. Again, I then let this go to the back of my mind and our usual weekend activities commenced. This particular Friday evening, I had a new experience. My friend Tom Clancy had written a beautiful book of poetry - 'Poems from an Irish Hearth'. Tonight was his book launch in The Old Ship here in Arklow. I had been asked to read a couple of the poems. I was very excited at the prospect. Gerry and I got ready for our evening. We were meeting our friend Suzanne there along with others we had not seen for some time. I had a feeling this was going to be a great night. I was not disappointed. The rest of the weekend passed in a blur with the usual tasks of Grocery shopping, housework and on Sunday, preparation for the coming week. I am so glad that I did not have foresight and know what was about to hit me like a train. 

Monday 28th September 2015

I had gone into work as per usual this morning. I would be leaving at 12:00 to head in good time for the appointment made last week. I arrived at the hospital in good time for the appointed time. I had told Suzanne about the appointment on the previous Friday evening and she kindly turned up at the hospital to sit with me for a while. We chatted and laughed as I waited. When I first walked in, I was asked to take a number and then wait to be called. This I did, and number 10 was my number. 1 - 7 must have already been called through, because the next thing I heard was:

 "Number 8 for the Breast Clinic!" 

I looked horrified at Suzanne and said quite stunned: 

"OMG... Does she have to announce why you are here or which clinic you are going to?" 

Unfortunately my little tirade did not stop there... 

"What is she going to do next.... Number 9 for the clap doctor?... well she had better not call out why I am here or I am going to go totally batshit!" 

The position of my seat meant that I had my back to the receptionist, then, next I heard:

"Number 9 for the Breast clinic!"

I stared dumbfounded at the woman across from me, who smiled uncomfortably. Again, I made my thoughts clear. I am not really known for my diplomacy. Once again I aired my annoyance at the announcement of the clinic people were attending, and griped about privacy and sensitivity.  Now, I was sitting there... Number 10 being my number, may God and all his Angels and Saints help this woman if she shouted out where I was going. I waited with baited breath, ready to launch into a non to pleasant lecture... However this was not to be, as next I heard:

"Number 10.... please!"

It was at this point I realised that my seat had been a mere centimetre away from backing onto the receptionists desk and she had been privy to all my rantings. I smiled and was checked in. I said bye to my pal and off I went through the doors for my check up.

The Mammogram was first, followed by the ultrasound. During the ultrasound I asked the doctor carrying it out if I could also see the screen. She was so helpful and described everything she saw. She asked me where about I had felt the lump. I indicated the general area, and the doctor confirmed that this showed up in the mammogram and was present here on the ultrasound. She explained how it was noted that this was not a cyst and that due to the fact that it was presenting as a hard lump, a biopsy would have to be taken. The doctor then explained that because it was presenting as a hard lump and because she would be performing a biopsy there and then, that she was going to scan the lymph nodes too, that this was a formality as she did not expect to find anything amiss there. She also explained that in the unlikely event that there was anything wrong, she would have to draw fluid from the centre. However this was highly unlikely. The scan continued and I was asked to raise my arm for the lymph nodes to be given the once over... Well... You have heard of Murphy's Law... as it happens, my lymph nodes appeared abnormal and yes fluid would need to be drawn for testing. The doctor explained how the biopsy was going to take place and how she was going to draw fluid from the lymph nodes. All this went ahead, and was fairly straight forward and pain free. I was told to be prepared for some discomfort in the days ahead. If this should occur then paracetamol would help.  When these procedures were finished (it was all carried out very swiftly, efficiently and with the least discomfort or embarrassment possible), I was told to get dressed and return to the waiting room where I would be called and escourted to the consultant. I was still quite relaxed and naively thought that all was well. Seeing the consultant is all par for the course whether something is or is not found.  I was last to be called. I walked down to the surgery with the nurse. I took a seat and waited for the consultant to enter the room. He did and was very polite and fairly business like. I was asked from where I had come, and the new road works leading to and from Arklow was commented on. I was then asked if I had children, and if  I had a partner. I explained that I had three children and Yes, Gerry was my husband and next of kin. The consultant then informed me that he had been looking at the scans and would like to see me in his clinic the following Friday. Yes there was a lump and results from the biopsy were needed before they could explain what the lump may be. In the next breath, I was also asked to bring my next of kin with me to the clinic. He must have seen the surprise on my face, and quickly stated that this was a mere formality. Formality my arse! It was at this moment that I felt the first quivers of apprehension, actually, it was at this point that I nearly wet myself with worry! A worry that had me shaking and ready to burst into tears. Talk about going from 0-90 in a nanosecond. I got into my car for the drive home, took deep breaths and told myself to 'pull myself together'... Oh bollox... what if this is cancer... bollox and an entire dictionary of profanities went through my mind, and I shouted them to myself as I drove out of the hospital gates. This was about to be a very long week indeed. 

I drove home and decided to call my family members. They had been totally unaware of the fact I was attending the hospital, if I was to call later in the week and announce I had cancer, it would probably kill them all off in shock, so I decided that forewarned is forearmed.  By the time I had reached Arklow I had sounded off at all members of my family, I had gone from being cool, calm and collected to someone representing Crusty the Clown on speed, with hair in all directions and a bladder threatening to go west. Gerry was so calm and sensible. He hugged me and assured me that all would be well, that nothing was going to be wrong, after all how could it? that sort of thing happens to other people, not to us. Once again, My arse!!!! 

Tuesday 29th September 2015

By Tuesday morning, I had been informed by my entire family that they were all getting on the boat and sailing over from Wales to be with Gerry, the Boys and Myself for the Friday 'announcement'. I had actually calmed at this point and told them not to be silly, after all, it was highly unlikely that there would be anything wrong and it would be a waste of money and time. My Mum told me that if there was nothing wrong it would be a reason to celebrate and go out for a meal. Now that was something to look forward to. 

Thursday 1st October 2015

My Parents and Sister and Brother arrived at our house on the Thursday evening. We all sat in and just relaxed as they had had quite a long day. They had all booked into the Arklow Bay hotel and by 10:00pm decided to head to the hotel as we were leaving the house at nine the following morning to get to the hospital on time for the appointment with the Consultant. Everybody was trying to be upbeat and positive (a word that would soon start pissing me off). All of us pretending not to be too worried and that whatever the outcome we would deal with it.  Sleep was to be rather elusive this night, not unlike all the other nights of this past week. It is amazing how things play on your mind in the dark, when all are asleep,  you are awake and just lying there with everything flying through your mind at a rate of knots. Sleep just does not seem to happen. 

Friday 2nd October 2015

"D-Day", I said as Gerry stirred next to me. He opened his eyes and told me to stop worrying that all would be well. I got up washed and dressed, tried to ward off thoughts that I was lying there potentially with cancer. 'Don't be so bloody daft' I repeatedly told myself. I called the boys, as they were supposed to be going to school today, however, they both wanted to be at the hospital to find out the news. I agreed that they could come with us, and after very little breakfast, we all left the house. We met up with my family on the road heading out of Arklow via Templerainey. Traffic was not too bad as school traffic was nearing its end. On we drove. We reached the hospital with 20 min to spare. I checked in and we took seats just outside the clinic rooms. When the consultant had said at the beginning of the week to bring my next of Kin, I don't think he had in mind, me turning up with an army of supporters. The Welsh Mafia had arrived.  We chatted and laughed and kept things very light hearted. I even wore my multicoloured clown like dockers to lighten the mood. When you think about it, how can shoes lighten a mood?... other that having others looking at your feet, smiling to themselves and possibly thinking 'dickhead!' But I digress... 'Elaine Murphy', my name was called and Gerry and I followed the nurse into a room. I immediately knew that this was not going to be good news. The round table with four chairs set around it and the box of tissues was a dead giveaway. The consultant came in, pleasantries were swapped and then, "Well Elaine, I asked you here today for the results of the biopsy, and I am sorry to tell you that  you have cancer." I was sort of expecting this, but all at once it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. All I could hear was the painful sob of my husband who looked and sounded as though he had just been hit with a hammer. The consultant explained what would be happening in the immediate future and tried to calm Gerry. Both the consultant and the nurse left the room and I walked over to Gerry, held him and told him all would be ok (I intend to keep this promise). The nurse came back in and Gerry was given water and tissues.... I nearly giggled here, I was the one with cancer, and Gerry was the one being minded... God love the man. We talked to the nurse who explained that a series of scans would now take place and an appointment with the Oncologist would be made. All of this would be happening within the next three weeks. I asked if it was possible that the cancer could grow and spread in this short time, any worries were allayed. Now to head out and tell the family. We walked out of the 'cancer room' as I called it, to be met by the family all standing and staring at us, I just turned my thumbs down and shook my head. The hurt, worry, sadness and fear was palpable. Seeing the raw feeling and sadness on the faces of my family and friends is by far more hurtful than being given the diagnosis itself. I know I can fight this, the desire to fight far outweighs the fear of the cancer itself or of its possible outcomes. My family however are not fighting this but watching me. Their worry and fear is something that has the ability to make you feel guilty at having to break this news to them. Guilty at being the cause of the worry and stress. There are going to be some very stressful times ahead. But I will take it all in my stride. I know, my family and friends will too. 

Week 1 after diagnosis

Following the Friday diagnosis, the rest of the weekend was spent with the whole family. There was the odd wobble from each person, but in all honesty we spent the weekend laughing. Laughing at nothing imparticular but just living our life enjoying each others company. We went out for a meal at Darcy McGee's, we had a few pints in The Old Ship and in Christies on the Saturday. Cancer was not going to monopolise this time we were spending together. After all the family were all going back to Wales on the Sunday, I don't get to see them often enough and spending the time crying or sad was definitely not on the agenda. Cancer was not going to dictate how we spent our time or ruin how much we enjoy spending time together. Sunday came around far too quickly and all to soon the family returned to Wales. I returned to work on the Monday.  My colleagues were very considerate and did not act all 'Oh Poor You!'  However they were extremely supportive. Tuesday was the day I actually had a big 'wobble'. Poor Geraldine, came into the staffroom, all had been going swimmingly well, I was chatting to other colleagues and there was not a bother on me at all. Geraldine came in and asked me a question, I honesty cannot recall what it was now, but all of a sudden, not unlike a tsunami, this massive swell of emotion seemed to climb up from my toes at the speed of light and erupt volcanic like. We went into the computer room and I cried like I have never cried before. What a dreadful feeling. This lasted all of 10 min. but, as quick as it started it stopped, and between us we started laughing, at what, well I just cannot recall. Maybe that was delayed reaction to the news, maybe it was stress,  It could be a combination of both and more, but my body and mind was not letting me hold it in. I decided at that point that I would be finishing the next day. I would be taking sick leave until this cancer is truly eradicated. The fact that Scarlet Fever was also doing it's rounds in the school was also a good reason to make this choice. Wednesday I went in, sorted out what needed doing and finished at lunch time. I said my goodbyes to all and headed on my way. I picked up my two sons from their school and we chatted and laughed all the way home. Thursday arrived and I ran the boys to and from school.  I then went home and packed. I was heading to Wexford on the Friday to spend a weekend with my friends Suzanne, Mary and Carol. I was picked up at 10:00 am and we were on the road half an hour later. We had a beautiful day for the drive down. We stopped at Kilmore Quay and took in the beauty of our surroundings. We then continued on to our destination with one more stop at Wellington Bridge where we stocked up on food and goodies for the weekend.  Friday evening we took the Ferry across the estuary from Wexford to Waterford and had a lovely Chinese meal. We returned on the last return crossing at 8:00pm and had a few drinks in the little pub. We then all headed back to the cottage where a couple of glasses of wine was had. The weekend flew by with trips back and forth to Waterford City, a stop and Jack Nealle's and then a lovely evening in just chilling and talking. We planned our next girls trip away which will be to Budapest in December. Having trips to look forward to will help me get from one week to the other as I battle this rotten intruder. Once again Sunday arrived and I returned home to Gerry and the Boys. We went down to John Joe's to watch the rugby and football.  It was relaxing and we then returned home as the following day was going to be so very busy.





Week 2 after diagnosis

Week two has been something of a mixed bag. On Monday, both Gerry and I had hospital appointments.  Gerry at the surgical clinic with his Crohn's Disease and I was to have three different scans in the one day. I attended the CT Scan unit first. Here I had to consume a fairly disgusting concoction that would react with a dye that was go be injected into me. This would highlight all my internal organs and highlight any areas of concern. After drinking the mixture, a cannula was inserted into my arm and off I went for the scan. Straight from there I went into the Ultrasound department. Here I was to have another ultrasound and this time a 'clip' was to be inserted into the tumour, the aim that it would highlight the tumour when scanning was being carried out.  Once again this was a fairly painless procedure and completed very quickly. I then had to have a mammogram in order to check that this had been put into the correct position.  This was carried out and this was another area that was completed. There was still no sign of Gerry. I rang his mobile to find that he was still waiting to be seen. He had turned up early for his appointment and called into the surgeons office, who had gone out of the room. Nearly 40 min later the cleaner came in to do the room and was surprised to see Gerry sitting there. She went to remind them that Gerry was still there waiting. The surgeon apologised and informed Gerry that he will be needing surgery on his intestines to cut out the Crohn's. No date has yet been set. Gerry found his way to Ultrasound where we met up and went and registered at the RNI Scan department. This was in the nuclear medicine area. I was to be injected with radiation, I had to then wait for a three hour period so that this could go around my whole system. The idea being that my whole skeleton would be scanned. Thankfully, the results of this scan came through the next day and all has found that my bones are clear of cancer.  We are still waiting the CT scan results.  Tuesday and Wednesday were spent relaxing, reading, thinking about blogging and sharing coffee with friends. Thursday was back at the hospital for an MRI. I returned home from the MRI and really felt quite exhausted. A relaxed evening was had, but there was more excitement to be had Friday morning. I couldn't wait. The alarm went off and I was up early. Yes, my beautiful daughter was coming home for a long weekend visit. She arrived here at 7:00a.m. today. She sneaked up to the boys rooms and surprised them greatly. We were all delighted to see her. Gerry took the boys to school, went to work himself and Amy went for a sleep, rightly so as she had been travelling all night. When Amy woke up, we went out for lunch. Afterwards we went into Wicklow to pick up Jimmy from his Grandmothers house. We stopped there for a short while, Amy spent time with her Dad and brothers and I chatted to my brother in law. We then left and returned home. Here I am now. Gerry and Joe are still working, Jimmy is out with his friend and Amy has nodded back off to sleep here next to me. I am spending the time going over how quickly these two weeks have flown by. At this stage, I still cannot confirm how I am feeling. There are times I ask myself if I am devoid of  emotion. I don't feel worried or afraid, I don't feel sick or in any way ill, I feel nothing. NOTHING!!! Is that normal? It is as though this is happening to somebody else and I am watching the whole scene play out in front of me. However, I do catch myself looking at my family or at my close friends, seeing them struggle to keep up the 'happy go lucky' attitude, trying to laugh. At times I have listened to my husband when he thinks I am asleep and heard him cry. It is at these times that my heart breaks, that my tears quietly fall, and that I feel like the most rotten person on this planet. That these people who love me should be hurting so much for and because of me, because of this interloper called cancer.

My aim is that this weekend will once again be filled with laughter and with happiness with my family. We will watch the Rugby games on Saturday and Sunday. Monday however will be another story. It will be another step towards the fight against this illness. It is my first date with my Oncologist. Gerry and Amy will both be attending this appointment with me.  I am hoping that the CT Scan rules out any cancer having spread to any other parts of my body. I will also find out when I will be starting chemotherapy treatment. So until then, I am going to read, relax and laugh. I'm going to have a glass of wine this evening and I am going to keep my promise from two weeks ago to Gerry, when I held him in my arms and told him that everything is really going to be ok.