Sometimes it doesn't just rain, It POURS!

Week 1 After First Chemo Session:

I wasn't expecting to be blogging today. Simply because I knew I would be feeling ok, as they had told me that I won't be feeling too dodgy until around day 7.  I am not feeling dodgy really, there are some skin tingles, which were to be expected, the nausea tablet this morning made me quite drowsy and I slipped in and out of peaceful slumber until about 10:00 today. Suzanne popped in for a quick cuppa at about 11:00 to see if I needed anything. I then continued with my day doing necessary paperwork for work, home and health. I was also aware that the community nurse would be attending this evening to teach me how to give myself an injection. But that wasn't bothering me too much in all honesty. Yes I felt a bit apprehensive but it really was nothing too much to bother about. What did bother me was the letter I recieved this morning. A letter saying to attend for an ultrasound on Monday 2nd November, now why would I need an ultrasound now? All scans have been done, Chemo has started... What now? I decided to ring the liaison nurse who is looking after me throughout this treatment. I rang the number, but all nurses were busy in clinic today. I left a message on the answer machine. I recieved a call at about 4:00p.m.  I said that I was ringing to enquire about the Ultrasound appointment, It then struck me that the only result I had not been given was that of the MRI. So I asked if it was because of the MRI that they wanted to see me for an ultrasound. 

Nurse:  "Yes Elaine, it is about the MRI"

Me:      "Has the MRI picked out more cancer?"

Nurse:  "Yes Elaine, it has, there are a futher two tumours in your breast, we want to see if they are  joined as one somehow or if they are three single tumours, in which case if they are they are only small!"

Me:     "Ok, Now I know I have been told to deal with all immidiate issues, and not to look down the line but now I need to look further down the line. I want to be heard, I want everyone to understand what it is that I want when it comes to surgery. I am aware that I have been told not to think about a mastectomy just  yet, that it may be a lumpectomy, however with this new news, it makes a mastectomy more likely. If that is the case, I want a bi-lateral mastectomy. I know that the consultant was not even prepared to discuss this, however, this is my body, these are my breasts, this is my cancer and this is my fight. When chemo is over I want to permanently shut the door on breast cancer, that means getting rid of both my breasts!"

At this outburst the Nurse patiently listened, told me that she totally understood, but that it was doubtful that the consultant would take away healthy tissue. I pointed out that how is it that a women carrying the gene without any cancer present were given the bilateral mastectomy, I have no cancerous genes in my family nor in me  until this, now it is not only growning at a rate of knots, but it is that little bit more possible that it could spread, just like the person with the genes could get cancer. Sure I have to be listened to, surely I have a valid point? The nurse pointed out that I could have cosmetic surgery.  I pointed out that even thougth this would be expensive as it is considered 'cosmetic', I neither have the finances to cover this and it would also mean having foreign objects inserted into my bust. Yes I have had to have two hips replaced, yes it required inserting foreign metal joints but that was because I needed my hips to walk, fortunately I don't rely on my breasts to carry me around the place... so no... they have to go!

She agreed that I had a good point, would make a note that this needs addressing and that I should be listended to. I think that at this point, I do need to investigate how I stand legally in making sure my requests are met. 

By the way, I give injections like a pro... I didn't feel a thing when being taught to inject myself with the medicaiton that gets the white blood cells regenerating... happy days, another ribbon to add to my bow. In all fairness, the nurse that called, not only taught me well, but had her ear chewed off with my ranting at today's developments. Hats off to our nurses, each and every one of them have, to date, been wonderful and they are certainly worth their own weight in gold. Thanks to each and every one of you, you really don't know how much you do just by listening and being in the front line of fire. You are all amazing. 

Fighting Back - Chemical Warfare Attack on the Enemy A.K.A Cancer: The Chemo begins... and begin it did...

Continuing week three after Diagnosis and Chemo begins:

Thursday 22nd October 

I had popped to the hospital yesterday (Wednesday) where my bloods, weight and height were taken. This was all in preaparation for the commencement of today's battle.

What a battle this proved to be. I am not going to lie, I did have a slight case of the 'colley wobbles' this morning and was feeling rather apprehensive. My day started out with Gerry taking the boys to school and heading to work. Suzanne was picking me up at 9:00a.m. and taking me for my appointment. Although you do appreciate your friends, when disaster strikes and these friends go to the lengths that they do you realise just how much richer your life is for having them in it. Suzanne arrived on time, had a quick cuppa while I checked and rechecked that I had everything with me that I wanted to keep me entertained during the day. I knew that it would be a long and arduous day, so I was going totally prepared. The contents of my bag were as follows:

Laptop - check

charger - check

colouring books and pens - check

reading book - check

iPad - check

rubik 5 x5 - check.

Well come on... one has to be prepared, yes, looking at that list one would be perfectly right in asking themselves "has this woman ever grown up?" my answer is "No - growing up means growing old, once you stop finding the child inside you and forgetting the enjoyment childhood activities can still bring, you stop seeing the fun, innocence and simple enjoyment in life!" I will openly admit, I am a gamer, seeker of fun, roller coaster riding hooligan, sandcastle building, sea swimming and beer and wine swilling Adult-child, and proud. I also do not intend to change that, only increase the adventure after this life changing curve ball has been deflected, as it has made me realise that there is even more to life, and I am going to grab it with both hands. I am not done here yet that is for sure.

We carried my bags to the car... notes to self... buy a decent sized backpack, carrying two bags and lugging all that is not really funny... Note two.... pack a bloody picnic  :-/

Once packed off we set. We arrived 20 minutes before the appointment time. I checked in and noticed a diplayed sign....

 'due to the fact that we are short staffed today, and the clinic is a large one, you may experience some delays, however we will do our best to keep you as close to  your allotted appointment time as possible.'

 I am sure all of you who have been keeping up with my blog will note that I had a similar experience the other day... I am not going to write here what went through my mind, but I did charitably think, well at least I am being prepared and kept in the picture. Once seated, a nurse popped her head in and explained to all about the delays, she also added that if your appointment time runs over by 20 - 30 minutes please make yourself known and they will see  you A.S.A.P. Now that I knew this I took out my book and began to read for the morning. My appointment was scheduled for 10:30. by 11:30 I had still not been seen, however at 12:00 a nurse called for me and took me to the treatment room to have a cannula fitted. I was then asked to return to the waiting room where I would be called once a 'chemo bed' was available. By 1:00 p.m. a bed was found and I was comfortably seated and ready to go.

A small drip bag of 'something' I can't recall the name but I think it was some form of anti allergy medication was sent through the cannula first. This was then followed by the first bag of chemotherapy. I was told all the possible reactions that could occur and was told to inform the nurses by ringing the bell if there were any sensations, aches and pains, sweating, light headedness, headaches, nausea, tummy cramping, tingling, and a whole host more, basically anything at all that you do not usually experience as a rule. If this occurred a drug to fight off these reations would be administered then Chemo would begin again. I nodded that I understood and then the bag was attached to the cannula. Initially I lay there mentally scanning my whole body checking to see if any feelings were occurring or if there was anything not 'normal' going on. I had to tell myself to stop, as I was almost driving myself crazy with paranoia, so I took out my book and continued to read.

Suzanne had accompanied me and was great support. Not too long in, the lunch trolley arrived. Tea, Coffee, Soup and Sambos. Unfortunately Suzanne has an aversion to any food served up in hospitals. She had a cuppa, and I had half a cup of soup and a very dry sandwich. However it filled a hole. Suzanne went for a stroll at this point and then went to sit in the waiting room to read. I chewed the cardboard like plain chicken sandwich, and I chewed and chewed and swallowed the doughy ball that it had become.  Thankfully Suzanne re appeared after lunch with a bottle of water, popcorn, a packet of mints and a bar. Happy days! that took the edge off and put a better taste into my mouth.

The bag of chemo was on a timed slow release in order to check that there were no adverse reactions. Luckily for me there were not any at all... until that is... the very end of the first bag of chemo. Let's be honest here, If it had all gone too well, well that just would not be me now would it. I have always taken the difficult routes and this was now looking like it would be following suite. As the bag was ending a flush was then added to run the last of the chemo through the line and into my arm.

 Holy shit! 

The burning sensation was immense, my arm became harder and started to swell right in front of my eyes. Thank you God, there was a nurse present at the time. She called for help and another nurse and doc removed the cannula while the first nurse prepared an injection. The swelling site was circled with a highligher and then seven injections were given into that swelling. My vein had collapsed and the chemo had leaked out into the softer tissue under the skin, causing the hardeness, swelling and discolouring. These very painful injections were to counter act any damage that the chemo could do to tissue and skin. I was also given a tube of cream to rub onto the area four times a day for the next seven days.  The cannula was then inserted into the back of my right hand, the second bag of chemo attached and hey presto.... it all happened again... this time my fingers swelled and started turning blue. Once again this was removed and the doctor now came and searched thoroughly for a decent vein. He inserted the cannula into my right forearm and once again the chemo was attached. Third time lucky. It was at this point the doctor made the decision that I will be having a port fitted, this will stop the needle parlava and make receiving chemo much easier. By the time it was all over, It was then 6:00p.m. It has been a very long day. Suzanne drove me home and stopped for a cuppa before heading back to her home. She has kindly left her number with both the boys and Gerry should she be needed for any other runs or to help when the chemo starts to take it's toll. I have been warned by the hospital today to expect hair loss to start occurring in the next 7 days, along with nausea, exhaustion and many other ailments. It was explained so clearly to me, basically the chemo damages the white blood cells, approximately from days 7 -14 these cells are at their lowest and new ones start to appear after the 14th day making day 15 - 21 managable, only to be given your next chemo session for it all to start again. Apparently as the sessions increase symptoms can become a bit worse. I must also remember that these are general guidelines and apart form the hairloss the others could quite easily be mild. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I have steroids to take the day before each chemo session and for three days after. I then have another drug to take. It is an anti vomitting drug. I take it for a period of 5 days, one tablet three times a day. It does make you drowsy, lethargic and dizzy, but I would rather that than 'chucking up chunks' I have an aversion to being sick... it only makes me sicker. I only have to hear someone heave to find myself shouting down the big white telephone to God. Begging for mercy. Oh well if it happens it happens... that is me being brave!!!

Tomorrow I face, what in my book is the challenge of all challenges. The community nurse is coming here to teach me how to inject myself into the stomach... Perhaps the above disasaters weren't enough of an indicator that needles and I do not go together, unless of course it is for new tattoos... Oops! I will be shown how to do this, as the drug that I will be injecting is a stimulant to help the marrow in your bones create more white blood cells at a faster pace. The aim of this is to try to alleviate some of the nasty side effects of the chemo in that 'middle period' between chemo sessions. After all, chemo is a toxin, it is the chemical warfare that will kill this cancer. Cancer absorbs the chemo faster than your body does which is how it is killed, before you are... lol... naturally there will be side effects.

This Welsh Warrior is going to take it all in her stride!

Night for now folks. I hope that you are enjoying the blogs. Feel free to leave a comment in the comment box. All I as is that you be kind. Thank you for taking the time to read my blogging. I will keep you all up to date at regular intervals as treatment and recovery progress. Night night once again.

Attack is the best form of defence: In a battle, attacking the opposition first is better than waiting for them to attack.

Week 3 After Diagnosis

Monday morning, I woke up having had a bit of a melt down the night before. A fear of the posibility of the cancer having spread had played on my mind. Why? Well I do not know, but this caused something of a meltdown to occur on the Sunday. My husband and children were amazing, but Monday morning, I felt quite angry at myself for allowing this 'meltdown'. Why? because it had upset the people who are doing thier utmost to support me. I know many have said that I am to mind myself now and not worry too much about others, that this is my fight and I am to let any feelings loose. Well I'm sorry, but I tend to disagree, I will always be concerned about the feelings and worries of my Husband and Children. We have come to an agreement now, that if there is anything bothering any of us about this horrible parasite then we will be open and honest and try to discuss any worries and concerns as they arise. 

We drove the boys to school and my Husband and Daughter attended the Oncologist appointment with me. My appointment was for 10:00a.m. I arrived there and checked in at 9:40 a.m., by 11:00 a.m. I was still sitting in the waiting room having seen each person who had come in behind me attend their appointment then leave. I approached the receptionist who checked the list and said that yes, I was due in at 10:00 and I should still be in there now.... Hmmm.... She went through and spoke to someone who informed her that I would be next. Again I waited...... By 11:30a.m. I was becoming some what agitated, as was my daughter. My Husband was calm and stated that he hoped we would be seen before 12:00p.m. By 12:00p.m. I began to get quite annoyed, I stood up suddenly glared over at the receptionist (yes I know it was not her fault), I caught her eye immediately and glared at the clock. She looked behind her at the clock and immediately stood and left the desk. In seconds she was back calling my name. Elaine, you can go through now... I was led to an examination room and spoke to a member of the Oncologists team. I was once again asked questions about previous health issues, my age, any medication etc... The consultant came in a moment later and took over. He explained everything and how things are going to progress from here on in. He was clear and concise. He discussed the pros and the cons of treatment. He explained how the treatment works, he also then put a smile on all our faces by telling us that as far as they could see on the CT scan, the cancer had not spread to any other area of my body. This was fantastic news.  The Oncologist did explain however that the CT scan cannot pick up cancer cells that are under 2mm in size, it is therefore still possible that there are rogue cells travelling around my body. This is due to the fact that I am lymph node positive. The consultant went on to explain that this was why chemotherapy will be given first, in order to eradicate rogue cells and to hopefully shrink the tumour that has taken residence in my body. There is a 60% chance that this tumour may shrink and if this is the case, a lumpectomy will be carried out. However, should I be one of the 40% cases where the tumour does not shrink then I will need to have a mastectomy.  There will be surgery on the lymph nodes after chemotherapy has been carried out and these will be removed. The surgery to the breast will take place at the same time. We discussed the type of tumour, apparently this is fast growing and I am lucky to have found it as early as I have. All questions were answered and we shook hands and parted. I was to pop in and briefly see the nurse who was going to talk to me about what was to happen next. Unfortunately the nurse in question was not there and I was told to expect a call from her the following day. 

Tuesday: Today is my 49th birthday. I woke up to lots of fuss, cards, presents, messages online along with well wishing texts. People could not have been kinder. My daughter had given me a beautiful shawl that will come in handy to keep me cozy when I am getting chemotherapy. My daughter lives in Wales and had travelled over to support me at the appointment yesterday. Unfortunately today, she would be returning to Wales. My daughter also had a package in her 

bag that contained gifts from my Sister and Parents. Now I love my family, I know they love me, my sister definitely loves me .... I know... you are probably sensing a 'but'... No, No but's! Diane knows me and knows I love a challenge... 

She is not wrong.  However a  challenge is what she gave me for my birthday, something to keep my mind and hands busy. Yes! that is the 7 x 7 V cube. The wine she sent will help me fathom it out I do believe :) Thank you Sis. I am glad you have such faith in me. I will need to finish the 5 x 5 first though. I drove the boys to school, leaving my daughter to get her packing done and to get ready for the day. We had decided that I would drop off the boys and then my  daughter and I would head out for a breakfast treat before she had to leave for the boat. I returned to the house where my daughter's bag was packed and she was ready to go out for breakfast. Our family dog 'Bronco' appeared to know that she was leaving today. He loves her visits and wont leave her alone at all. Today he lay forelornly alongside her suitcase. Sad eyes looking up at her. My daughter also happens to love Bronco. She called to the dog to come and give her a hug, this he did, he nuzzled into her neck and actually whimpered. We decided that we would head out for breakfast and then come back and take Bronco to the port with us. Breakfast at the Blue Cafe in Arklow was excellent. We ate up and went home to put the case in the car along with Bronco. We headed off and were going to detour through Wicklow so that my daughter could say bye to her dad in work. This was done and we drove through the town and headed for the main road. It was decided to call to the school and pick up the boys to come with us, as I would possibly be late back and not in time to pick them up immediately after school. I rang ahead and turned up at the school for the boys. I spoke to one of their teachers who suggested they go home with her today. I agreed and went to set off. I informed the boys that they would be going home with the teacher, she was doing the after school club and they would be home by half past five. Both boys nearly had a hernia at the thought of staying in school until 5. I can't really say I blame them, but I had made the arrangement. If they did not like that then they were to go and inform the teacher in question. This they did and yes they headed to the port with their sister and I.  We arrived at the port and all too soon it was time for my daughter to leave. Final bye-byes were said and off she went through the doors to the departure lounge. We returned to the car and headed home. Both boys nodded off to sleep and I chatted to a pal on the phone - hands free of course. We arrived home tea was put on and the boys went off to do their own things. The phone rang. It was the hospital. "Hello Elaine, It is the oncology liaison nurse here, I am calling to ask you to attend the hospital tomorrow, for preparation for chemotherapy. Your Chemotherapy will be starting on Thursday of this week." I thanked her, hung up and said to myself,  "Happy Birthday Elaine, that is some  present!" The attack on this cancer was about to begin. Off you go tumour, you are not welcome here!

                                It will be party time this time next year.... that is guaranteed.... 

Cancer: "Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself!" Hermoine Granger - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret, by: JK Rowling

Monday 21st September 2015

I was up early this particular morning and decided to head straight to the shower. As usual, my older son, who is 6ft5 tall, had been in there the night before and left the head of the shower at its highest point. I groaned and stood on tiptoe as I reached to lower it down. Whilst reaching up I felt a slight  'pulling' sensation in my left armpit. I reached to press into the area and in doing so felt a slight raise on the top of my left bust. "oh, that wasn't there before" I thought and felt it again. I decided that this might be deserving of a call the the GP. I am well known for ignoring my health issues and just plodding on regardless. However, I had a feeling that this might just need investigation. I carried on with my Monday morning routine and headed off to work. At first break, I decided to give the doctor's surgery a call and was given an appointment for 5:00pm that evening. I put that to the back of my mind and got on with my working day. On the drive home that evening, I drove straight past the surgery, having totally forgotten about my appointment, having also forgotten about this mysterious lump that has appeared too. On arriving home, like a flashlight going off, I recalled the 'date with the doc', dropped off the boys and quickly drove back along the route I had taken only 10 Min earlier. Thankfully I was on time. The GP saw me and immediately, agreeing that there was a lump there, she referred me to St. Vincent's Breast Clinic. At this point I was very confident that it was nothing and happy enough to get it all checked out.

Friday 25th September 2015

My week had been a fairly uneventful one with all going well in work and plans being drawn up for the science and I.T. club I would be running after school. The application to the Primary Science Fair outlining our experiment was made, along with the application for racing our electric car up in Nutts Corner County Antrim for the third year running. At lunch time my phone rang. The secretary from the Breast Clinic was calling to ask me to attend the clinic the following Monday at 1:00p.m. for the '3 in 1' appointment - Mammogram, Ultrasound and if necessary a biopsy. Naturally I said that I would be there. I met with our school Principal and told her about the appointment. I was still very laid back, and rolled my eyes in irritation at the inconvenience of having to disrupt my working day and my personal routine. I headed home with my two sons at the end of the day, and told Gerry (my husband) about the up and coming appointment. Again, I then let this go to the back of my mind and our usual weekend activities commenced. This particular Friday evening, I had a new experience. My friend Tom Clancy had written a beautiful book of poetry - 'Poems from an Irish Hearth'. Tonight was his book launch in The Old Ship here in Arklow. I had been asked to read a couple of the poems. I was very excited at the prospect. Gerry and I got ready for our evening. We were meeting our friend Suzanne there along with others we had not seen for some time. I had a feeling this was going to be a great night. I was not disappointed. The rest of the weekend passed in a blur with the usual tasks of Grocery shopping, housework and on Sunday, preparation for the coming week. I am so glad that I did not have foresight and know what was about to hit me like a train. 

Monday 28th September 2015

I had gone into work as per usual this morning. I would be leaving at 12:00 to head in good time for the appointment made last week. I arrived at the hospital in good time for the appointed time. I had told Suzanne about the appointment on the previous Friday evening and she kindly turned up at the hospital to sit with me for a while. We chatted and laughed as I waited. When I first walked in, I was asked to take a number and then wait to be called. This I did, and number 10 was my number. 1 - 7 must have already been called through, because the next thing I heard was:

 "Number 8 for the Breast Clinic!" 

I looked horrified at Suzanne and said quite stunned: 

"OMG... Does she have to announce why you are here or which clinic you are going to?" 

Unfortunately my little tirade did not stop there... 

"What is she going to do next.... Number 9 for the clap doctor?... well she had better not call out why I am here or I am going to go totally batshit!" 

The position of my seat meant that I had my back to the receptionist, then, next I heard:

"Number 9 for the Breast clinic!"

I stared dumbfounded at the woman across from me, who smiled uncomfortably. Again, I made my thoughts clear. I am not really known for my diplomacy. Once again I aired my annoyance at the announcement of the clinic people were attending, and griped about privacy and sensitivity.  Now, I was sitting there... Number 10 being my number, may God and all his Angels and Saints help this woman if she shouted out where I was going. I waited with baited breath, ready to launch into a non to pleasant lecture... However this was not to be, as next I heard:

"Number 10.... please!"

It was at this point I realised that my seat had been a mere centimetre away from backing onto the receptionists desk and she had been privy to all my rantings. I smiled and was checked in. I said bye to my pal and off I went through the doors for my check up.

The Mammogram was first, followed by the ultrasound. During the ultrasound I asked the doctor carrying it out if I could also see the screen. She was so helpful and described everything she saw. She asked me where about I had felt the lump. I indicated the general area, and the doctor confirmed that this showed up in the mammogram and was present here on the ultrasound. She explained how it was noted that this was not a cyst and that due to the fact that it was presenting as a hard lump, a biopsy would have to be taken. The doctor then explained that because it was presenting as a hard lump and because she would be performing a biopsy there and then, that she was going to scan the lymph nodes too, that this was a formality as she did not expect to find anything amiss there. She also explained that in the unlikely event that there was anything wrong, she would have to draw fluid from the centre. However this was highly unlikely. The scan continued and I was asked to raise my arm for the lymph nodes to be given the once over... Well... You have heard of Murphy's Law... as it happens, my lymph nodes appeared abnormal and yes fluid would need to be drawn for testing. The doctor explained how the biopsy was going to take place and how she was going to draw fluid from the lymph nodes. All this went ahead, and was fairly straight forward and pain free. I was told to be prepared for some discomfort in the days ahead. If this should occur then paracetamol would help.  When these procedures were finished (it was all carried out very swiftly, efficiently and with the least discomfort or embarrassment possible), I was told to get dressed and return to the waiting room where I would be called and escourted to the consultant. I was still quite relaxed and naively thought that all was well. Seeing the consultant is all par for the course whether something is or is not found.  I was last to be called. I walked down to the surgery with the nurse. I took a seat and waited for the consultant to enter the room. He did and was very polite and fairly business like. I was asked from where I had come, and the new road works leading to and from Arklow was commented on. I was then asked if I had children, and if  I had a partner. I explained that I had three children and Yes, Gerry was my husband and next of kin. The consultant then informed me that he had been looking at the scans and would like to see me in his clinic the following Friday. Yes there was a lump and results from the biopsy were needed before they could explain what the lump may be. In the next breath, I was also asked to bring my next of kin with me to the clinic. He must have seen the surprise on my face, and quickly stated that this was a mere formality. Formality my arse! It was at this moment that I felt the first quivers of apprehension, actually, it was at this point that I nearly wet myself with worry! A worry that had me shaking and ready to burst into tears. Talk about going from 0-90 in a nanosecond. I got into my car for the drive home, took deep breaths and told myself to 'pull myself together'... Oh bollox... what if this is cancer... bollox and an entire dictionary of profanities went through my mind, and I shouted them to myself as I drove out of the hospital gates. This was about to be a very long week indeed. 

I drove home and decided to call my family members. They had been totally unaware of the fact I was attending the hospital, if I was to call later in the week and announce I had cancer, it would probably kill them all off in shock, so I decided that forewarned is forearmed.  By the time I had reached Arklow I had sounded off at all members of my family, I had gone from being cool, calm and collected to someone representing Crusty the Clown on speed, with hair in all directions and a bladder threatening to go west. Gerry was so calm and sensible. He hugged me and assured me that all would be well, that nothing was going to be wrong, after all how could it? that sort of thing happens to other people, not to us. Once again, My arse!!!! 

Tuesday 29th September 2015

By Tuesday morning, I had been informed by my entire family that they were all getting on the boat and sailing over from Wales to be with Gerry, the Boys and Myself for the Friday 'announcement'. I had actually calmed at this point and told them not to be silly, after all, it was highly unlikely that there would be anything wrong and it would be a waste of money and time. My Mum told me that if there was nothing wrong it would be a reason to celebrate and go out for a meal. Now that was something to look forward to. 

Thursday 1st October 2015

My Parents and Sister and Brother arrived at our house on the Thursday evening. We all sat in and just relaxed as they had had quite a long day. They had all booked into the Arklow Bay hotel and by 10:00pm decided to head to the hotel as we were leaving the house at nine the following morning to get to the hospital on time for the appointment with the Consultant. Everybody was trying to be upbeat and positive (a word that would soon start pissing me off). All of us pretending not to be too worried and that whatever the outcome we would deal with it.  Sleep was to be rather elusive this night, not unlike all the other nights of this past week. It is amazing how things play on your mind in the dark, when all are asleep,  you are awake and just lying there with everything flying through your mind at a rate of knots. Sleep just does not seem to happen. 

Friday 2nd October 2015

"D-Day", I said as Gerry stirred next to me. He opened his eyes and told me to stop worrying that all would be well. I got up washed and dressed, tried to ward off thoughts that I was lying there potentially with cancer. 'Don't be so bloody daft' I repeatedly told myself. I called the boys, as they were supposed to be going to school today, however, they both wanted to be at the hospital to find out the news. I agreed that they could come with us, and after very little breakfast, we all left the house. We met up with my family on the road heading out of Arklow via Templerainey. Traffic was not too bad as school traffic was nearing its end. On we drove. We reached the hospital with 20 min to spare. I checked in and we took seats just outside the clinic rooms. When the consultant had said at the beginning of the week to bring my next of Kin, I don't think he had in mind, me turning up with an army of supporters. The Welsh Mafia had arrived.  We chatted and laughed and kept things very light hearted. I even wore my multicoloured clown like dockers to lighten the mood. When you think about it, how can shoes lighten a mood?... other that having others looking at your feet, smiling to themselves and possibly thinking 'dickhead!' But I digress... 'Elaine Murphy', my name was called and Gerry and I followed the nurse into a room. I immediately knew that this was not going to be good news. The round table with four chairs set around it and the box of tissues was a dead giveaway. The consultant came in, pleasantries were swapped and then, "Well Elaine, I asked you here today for the results of the biopsy, and I am sorry to tell you that  you have cancer." I was sort of expecting this, but all at once it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. All I could hear was the painful sob of my husband who looked and sounded as though he had just been hit with a hammer. The consultant explained what would be happening in the immediate future and tried to calm Gerry. Both the consultant and the nurse left the room and I walked over to Gerry, held him and told him all would be ok (I intend to keep this promise). The nurse came back in and Gerry was given water and tissues.... I nearly giggled here, I was the one with cancer, and Gerry was the one being minded... God love the man. We talked to the nurse who explained that a series of scans would now take place and an appointment with the Oncologist would be made. All of this would be happening within the next three weeks. I asked if it was possible that the cancer could grow and spread in this short time, any worries were allayed. Now to head out and tell the family. We walked out of the 'cancer room' as I called it, to be met by the family all standing and staring at us, I just turned my thumbs down and shook my head. The hurt, worry, sadness and fear was palpable. Seeing the raw feeling and sadness on the faces of my family and friends is by far more hurtful than being given the diagnosis itself. I know I can fight this, the desire to fight far outweighs the fear of the cancer itself or of its possible outcomes. My family however are not fighting this but watching me. Their worry and fear is something that has the ability to make you feel guilty at having to break this news to them. Guilty at being the cause of the worry and stress. There are going to be some very stressful times ahead. But I will take it all in my stride. I know, my family and friends will too. 

Week 1 after diagnosis

Following the Friday diagnosis, the rest of the weekend was spent with the whole family. There was the odd wobble from each person, but in all honesty we spent the weekend laughing. Laughing at nothing imparticular but just living our life enjoying each others company. We went out for a meal at Darcy McGee's, we had a few pints in The Old Ship and in Christies on the Saturday. Cancer was not going to monopolise this time we were spending together. After all the family were all going back to Wales on the Sunday, I don't get to see them often enough and spending the time crying or sad was definitely not on the agenda. Cancer was not going to dictate how we spent our time or ruin how much we enjoy spending time together. Sunday came around far too quickly and all to soon the family returned to Wales. I returned to work on the Monday.  My colleagues were very considerate and did not act all 'Oh Poor You!'  However they were extremely supportive. Tuesday was the day I actually had a big 'wobble'. Poor Geraldine, came into the staffroom, all had been going swimmingly well, I was chatting to other colleagues and there was not a bother on me at all. Geraldine came in and asked me a question, I honesty cannot recall what it was now, but all of a sudden, not unlike a tsunami, this massive swell of emotion seemed to climb up from my toes at the speed of light and erupt volcanic like. We went into the computer room and I cried like I have never cried before. What a dreadful feeling. This lasted all of 10 min. but, as quick as it started it stopped, and between us we started laughing, at what, well I just cannot recall. Maybe that was delayed reaction to the news, maybe it was stress,  It could be a combination of both and more, but my body and mind was not letting me hold it in. I decided at that point that I would be finishing the next day. I would be taking sick leave until this cancer is truly eradicated. The fact that Scarlet Fever was also doing it's rounds in the school was also a good reason to make this choice. Wednesday I went in, sorted out what needed doing and finished at lunch time. I said my goodbyes to all and headed on my way. I picked up my two sons from their school and we chatted and laughed all the way home. Thursday arrived and I ran the boys to and from school.  I then went home and packed. I was heading to Wexford on the Friday to spend a weekend with my friends Suzanne, Mary and Carol. I was picked up at 10:00 am and we were on the road half an hour later. We had a beautiful day for the drive down. We stopped at Kilmore Quay and took in the beauty of our surroundings. We then continued on to our destination with one more stop at Wellington Bridge where we stocked up on food and goodies for the weekend.  Friday evening we took the Ferry across the estuary from Wexford to Waterford and had a lovely Chinese meal. We returned on the last return crossing at 8:00pm and had a few drinks in the little pub. We then all headed back to the cottage where a couple of glasses of wine was had. The weekend flew by with trips back and forth to Waterford City, a stop and Jack Nealle's and then a lovely evening in just chilling and talking. We planned our next girls trip away which will be to Budapest in December. Having trips to look forward to will help me get from one week to the other as I battle this rotten intruder. Once again Sunday arrived and I returned home to Gerry and the Boys. We went down to John Joe's to watch the rugby and football.  It was relaxing and we then returned home as the following day was going to be so very busy.





Week 2 after diagnosis

Week two has been something of a mixed bag. On Monday, both Gerry and I had hospital appointments.  Gerry at the surgical clinic with his Crohn's Disease and I was to have three different scans in the one day. I attended the CT Scan unit first. Here I had to consume a fairly disgusting concoction that would react with a dye that was go be injected into me. This would highlight all my internal organs and highlight any areas of concern. After drinking the mixture, a cannula was inserted into my arm and off I went for the scan. Straight from there I went into the Ultrasound department. Here I was to have another ultrasound and this time a 'clip' was to be inserted into the tumour, the aim that it would highlight the tumour when scanning was being carried out.  Once again this was a fairly painless procedure and completed very quickly. I then had to have a mammogram in order to check that this had been put into the correct position.  This was carried out and this was another area that was completed. There was still no sign of Gerry. I rang his mobile to find that he was still waiting to be seen. He had turned up early for his appointment and called into the surgeons office, who had gone out of the room. Nearly 40 min later the cleaner came in to do the room and was surprised to see Gerry sitting there. She went to remind them that Gerry was still there waiting. The surgeon apologised and informed Gerry that he will be needing surgery on his intestines to cut out the Crohn's. No date has yet been set. Gerry found his way to Ultrasound where we met up and went and registered at the RNI Scan department. This was in the nuclear medicine area. I was to be injected with radiation, I had to then wait for a three hour period so that this could go around my whole system. The idea being that my whole skeleton would be scanned. Thankfully, the results of this scan came through the next day and all has found that my bones are clear of cancer.  We are still waiting the CT scan results.  Tuesday and Wednesday were spent relaxing, reading, thinking about blogging and sharing coffee with friends. Thursday was back at the hospital for an MRI. I returned home from the MRI and really felt quite exhausted. A relaxed evening was had, but there was more excitement to be had Friday morning. I couldn't wait. The alarm went off and I was up early. Yes, my beautiful daughter was coming home for a long weekend visit. She arrived here at 7:00a.m. today. She sneaked up to the boys rooms and surprised them greatly. We were all delighted to see her. Gerry took the boys to school, went to work himself and Amy went for a sleep, rightly so as she had been travelling all night. When Amy woke up, we went out for lunch. Afterwards we went into Wicklow to pick up Jimmy from his Grandmothers house. We stopped there for a short while, Amy spent time with her Dad and brothers and I chatted to my brother in law. We then left and returned home. Here I am now. Gerry and Joe are still working, Jimmy is out with his friend and Amy has nodded back off to sleep here next to me. I am spending the time going over how quickly these two weeks have flown by. At this stage, I still cannot confirm how I am feeling. There are times I ask myself if I am devoid of  emotion. I don't feel worried or afraid, I don't feel sick or in any way ill, I feel nothing. NOTHING!!! Is that normal? It is as though this is happening to somebody else and I am watching the whole scene play out in front of me. However, I do catch myself looking at my family or at my close friends, seeing them struggle to keep up the 'happy go lucky' attitude, trying to laugh. At times I have listened to my husband when he thinks I am asleep and heard him cry. It is at these times that my heart breaks, that my tears quietly fall, and that I feel like the most rotten person on this planet. That these people who love me should be hurting so much for and because of me, because of this interloper called cancer.

My aim is that this weekend will once again be filled with laughter and with happiness with my family. We will watch the Rugby games on Saturday and Sunday. Monday however will be another story. It will be another step towards the fight against this illness. It is my first date with my Oncologist. Gerry and Amy will both be attending this appointment with me.  I am hoping that the CT Scan rules out any cancer having spread to any other parts of my body. I will also find out when I will be starting chemotherapy treatment. So until then, I am going to read, relax and laugh. I'm going to have a glass of wine this evening and I am going to keep my promise from two weeks ago to Gerry, when I held him in my arms and told him that everything is really going to be ok.