Whoever Said That Winning Isn't Everything, Obviously Never Had Cancer!

Counting down to the end of my treatment! 

The night before I leave for St. Luke's Oakland Lodge.

OK folks, tomorrow begins the countdown to what is supposed to be the end of all my treatment. I am feeling both excited at this prospect but also fearful. Excited because this could be the end of cancer for me and we will all be celebrating like mad, with the next 12 months allowing my body to recover not only from the cancer and the vicious surgery, but recovering from the treatment used to kill the cancer. After all, chemotherapy is a poison fed into  your veins in the hope that it kills the cancer before it kills the human being whose veins it is flowing through.  Fearful because I am not looking forward to suffering burns, albeit that many have said that radiotherapy is not as bad as chemotherapy, chemo didn't burn my skin, the nurses have told me that because my skin is so dry despite moisturising, I may find that I will suffer burns to my chest, neck and my back. Frightened because I could put myself through all this and find at the end of it that there are still cancer cells just eager to beat the treatment. I have fought hard to remain positive throughout my treatment, and I am doing my best to continue to do so, but my head just cannot keep out the 'What if's'. Tomorrow I find out if my TM markers in my blood have reduced (TM markers = Tumour Markers - signs of cancer). The normal reading for TM markers are 0-40, those who follow me on Facebook will recall that my markers were at 65. I have had one CMF chemo, it will be interesting to find out if the chemo I had three weeks ago has helped to reduce the amount of cells. I will keep you all posted on this one.  

I have spent the past three weeks keeping quite busy. In fact,  besides the odd worried listed above, I have spent more time on activities than I have on thinking about the cancer, which is excellent.  I have laughed with friends and neighbours, who in all honesty are a godsend that I am so lucky to have. I have enjoyed being artistically creative. I have spent time, at one with nature ;) feeding the ducks, swans and geese at the conservation area behind the Arklow Bay Hotel and Coral Leisure. I helped my colleagues in school by collating all exam results for each class in the school, I have enjoyed glasses of wine and the odd Captain Morgan's a couple of times, I had a big surprise on Friday when Joe walked in after working with his Dad for the day, gone was the Afro and there stood a very handsome young man. Gerry and I enjoyed a walk around Inch Market.




I have enjoyed days out with my family, the latest being yesterday when Gerry, Jimmy and I enjoyed a day in Dublin, lunch in Murray's on O'Connell St., Walks around the shops where I shopped for Gerry's birthday presents, and where Gerry bought me a new charm for my Pandora bracelet - a family tree to signify that the family will be with me while I go through this next step to my recovery. Today I have planted up my plant pots outside our house, while Gerry strimmed around the lawn and pulled up the grass growing through my rose bushes. I have relaxed with a glass of wine after a lovely salad for tea, and my weekly dose of Coronation Street and Eastenders. Now though, I am off to pack my suitcase. I have a small bedsit in the Lodge that will be my home Monday to Friday for the next five weeks. I will be coming home Friday evenings to Monday Mornings. So folks, its off packing I will go. I will continue with this blog tomorrow evening after my radiotherapy. Here is to the next step in this adventure that is my life. Night all, Chat tomorrow.

A few images from my last three weeks.

 Day Three of Radiotherapy:

Hi all, I do apologise as I had said that I would update the blog two days ago. However, I felt that a period of settling in would be needed before I could give you an honest and open opinion of my experience staying here at Oakland Lodge, St. Luke's in Rathgar. I am not going to lie, I was a little nervous on my journey here, apprehensive that I was going to be among strangers for five long weeks facing radiotherapy, another unknown. As I mentioned above, a slight fear too. My first port of call was to St Vincent's Hospital for my second dose of CMF chemotherapy. Would my tumour markers have dropped since my first CMF three weeks ago? If you recall it was at 65 with the 'norm' being 0-40. I arrived at the St. Anne's Day Ward for the chemo treatment. I was called through at 9:30 a.m. and my bloods were taken. All results had to be back before chemo could be administered. I had asked the doctor and the nurse to please let me know the TM results as soon as the bloods came back. I kept myself occupied reading my book as I sat in the chemo chair waiting for things to get moving. At 11:30, I called the nurse over and reminded her that I needed to be at St. Luke's for half past one to check into the lodge and to catch the bus over to St. Jame's for the radiotherapy. She called down, just as the blood results arrived, so she ordered the chemo to be brought up to the ward as soon as possible. It arrived an hour later.  However the wait was not a problem even thought I had to drive across to Rathgar, Why? Well my TM markers had dropped from 65 to 53... it was definitely heading in the right direction. I was elated to be fair. However there is always someone who tends to 'Piss on you Battery'. As much as I like Dr. Gullo and I have told them to be very honest with me, he advised me not to become to focused on the TM markers as they were merely a 'loose guide' that indicated the cancer cells are reducing in their level of activity. Yes, this is what they note at each appointment, because, the lower they are the least active they are, that however does not mean that the cancer cells have necessarily gone, they are there but currently inactive. It is keeping an eye on the fact that the TM markers do not rise. Ideally, we would love to see no cancer cells at all, however, If I have to carry cancer cells and they remain inactive, that is just fine by me. As technically I will be given the 'all clear' with a very long term care plan from the hospital, care that I cannot complain about at all. Everyone has been fantastic. Even Dr Gullo's news could not reduce my level of happiness at the news, the nurses were elated as were two other doctors. "Yes Elaine, all is going in the right direction!" That is all I needed to hear. Happy Days!

I left St. Vincents at 1:10 pm. Put the address to St. Luke's into google maps on my phone and followed the directions. I was there in record time. 1:20 p.m. I walked into the reception area of Oakland Lodge and was allocated my room. The bus was just leaving to take patients to St. Jame's for radiotherapy, but as I had that only that second arrived, the driver said that he would return for me, giving me chance to settle into my room. I went up and carried up my case and bags. I was pleasantly surprised by the room. I have a twin room, with an en-suite shower, toilet, sink and a small 'kitchenette' area where I can make hot drinks or store cold foods. It is bright, and the window looks out onto a court yard with the most beautiful plants in it. I returned to the reception area for 2:00 p.m. The bus was going to be here shortly. So I took my handbag, put my book inside it to keep me company, when who did I see arrive. Sue, she had come to keep me company and ensure I had settled in. She hopped on the bus with me and off we went, being given a tour round Rathgar and local areas by the driver who pointed out all the places of interest on the route. We even had Guinness store house pointed out and were given an in depth history of the area. I think he would like a job on the open topped tour buses.


Finally, what should have been a ten minute journey, had taken over half an hour for a sight seeing tour, we arrived at St. Luke's Site on St. Jame's Hospital Grounds. I checked in at reception and was not waiting too long before I was called in for my appointment. Everything was explained to me as to how the radiotherapy would be given and the difference I would notice between the machine used on my preparation day a week previously and the  machine that would be used today. On the preparation day, I had a CT scan, this is now radiotherapy. It differs a lot. You are on a 'bed' and positioned so that the tattoo dots that were put on in the preparation are lined up correctly, once this is achieved and more pen marks made and further measurements and adjustments the machine then moves around you. It moves the bed about and side arms come out that take images of your insides ensuring that all measurements and depth of radiotherapy are correct, after all, you do not want to end up with deep fried heart and lungs. I am having radiotherapy to the left mastectomy site and to the left side of my neck, where lymph nodes are being blasted as it appears that this is how the residual cancer cells have got into my system. So with the combination of CMF chemo and radiotherapy, hopefully they will now do the trick in getting rid of these blighters. Once the radiotherapy had finished, we headed outside to wait for the bus. Hmmm... some wait we had, rather than waiting for me to finish radiotherapy, the driver decided to go back to St. Luke's minus myself, Suzanne and three other people.  After nearly 40 minutes of waiting he finally arrived, and had also discovered a swifter route back too. Thank goodness.



We had now missed tea time, A stroll into Rathgar and to a lovely little pub for some pub grub it was. Along with an impromptu quiz night. Excellent. We were with another four people and we all took part in what proved to be an evening of such fun and laughter. Soon it was time to head back to the Lodge where I settled in for the evening. It was so quiet and peaceful. A quiet time sitting on the swing seat on this beautifully warm and balmy evening was a must before 'hitting the hay' I took a few photos of some of the trees surrounding me in the dark. I could hear the cries of foxes and hear scuttling nearby. 'Time to go in now' I said to myself so off to bed for my first night in the Lodge.



The following day, Suzanne picked me up for my radiotherapy rather than take the magical mystery bus tour. She picked me up fairly early so that I could drop paperwork needed to the school that Joe and Jimmy attend. Saragh came with us and we decided that a stop in Bray on our return for a bag of chips sitting on the wall on the sea front. We also decided that a return to our childhood days of fun in the amusements would be a great bit of craic too... and yes it certainly was. We left in plenty of time and arrived at St. Jame's for my next round of Radiotherapy. We went from there to Suzanne's house for a visit before returning to the Lodge. On my return, I challenged Sue to some pitch and putt. I was a fun filled event with one lady from the Lodge nipping back and forth giving us tips. Clearly a golfing lady who knew what she was talking about.   Later on, I decided to just lie in my room listening to my radio. Gerry had bought me a new radio to take with me. I have taken to listening to the radio a lot lately. It is much better than being spoon fed some of the trite on TV these days. Before long I was knocking out those Zs.


At 4:00a.m., The sun was shining through my window. It was a beautiful morning, but too early to be heading out for a walk so I listened to the birds outside and watch the sun get higher in the sky, just gently nodding in and out of light sleep. This morning would be my third day here and my third dose of radiotherapy. This beautiful morning was really making me feel great. I also decided that today would be the day that I would attend the art class. I went down for breakfast at 7:00 am. Grapefruit segments, two rounds of toast and jam, fresh orange then a nice cup of tea. I had a few hours to kill before the Art class opened at ten, so I went and fetched my book from my room and sat on the swing seat reading for a while. It was lovely reading, but I could not help but be distracted from my book by the utter peacefulness of the area. The trees are beautiful as are the flowers, the birds, the squirrel and the occasional fox if you are early or late enough to catch them out and about. So reading on the swing seat became a gently rocking with my eyes closed listening to the sounds of nature around me. Considering there are a number of people there, you are not constantly surrounded by people and the ability to be able to relax in the gardens in such quietness is utterly enjoyable.


I checked the time and realised it was now a quarter to 10:00. Time to make my way over to the activities room in the main hospital for the Art Class. I arrived on time and was made very welcome. I was surprised at how few take the opportunities offered to them. There were three of us in the art class today. I note that others do attend not only from the Lodge but from the wards too, so the reduction could be just down to the person on the ward not having a very good day. It doesn't matter what skills you have when it comes to art, all levels are made very welcome. Today we were working on acrylics. I was given some books to browse through and decide what I wanted to try. I wanted to work on Washes and Movement, something that I do not always get right in my own paintings, so I decided on the sea scene. My painting depicts my journey, as you can see the dark skies and rough seas are tossing the boat, however it is aiming to sail to lighter skies and hopefully less stormier seas. Very apt for this time of my life and my own journey that I am having to take. After finishing off my painting, I headed back to the lodge as I was feeling a little tired. I put on my radio, took out my laptop to start this blog and my eyes closed. I woke at half one and made a mad rush downstairs, not before washing my face to wake myself up and grabbing a bottle of water from my fridge. Suzanne was waiting down in the reception area, as she was getting the bus with me today. After the radiotherapy, we were heading in to Luigi Malone's for tea out. It was a lovely dinner. I like the social side to the Lodge everyone is so upbeat and Cancer is not the sole topic of conversation. We laugh, compare lives, discuss parenthood and also marvel at just how much we appreciate life, and everything about it. All we all want  to be able to do, is to  appreciate it, and make more out of life for many more years to come. And, please God this will be the desired outcome.

view from my room

We popped into Doyle's on the way back to the lodge where I enjoyed a white wine spritzer. We then hailed a cab and headed back to the Lodge. Before heading back to my room, I said goodbye and good night to Suzanne and my new neighbours and sat out on the swing seat for a while. I just sat quietly listening to the different sounds around me. This calmness and this peaceful environment really is making me feel so alive and totally at one with myself.  Naturally as the weeks go on, the tiredness and lethargy of having both chemo and radiotherapy together will undoubtedly take its toll, but I'm just hoping that it won't be to the extent that I cannot enjoy and appreciate the calmness, peacefulness, art and crafts, relaxation, care and socialisation of The Lodge. I truly do appreciate having been lucky enough to be given a place here for this last part of my treatment. Thank you to all who have involvement in providing and making this 'retreat' available to those of us unlucky enough to have been hit with cancer, and those who work tirelessly, and many voluntarily, to supply the services that are afforded me. I can't thank you enough.

Friday morning arrived and I was up with the birds again. I packed up what I would be taking home with me for the long weekend. I stripped my bed and put the blanket, towels, sheets and pillowcases into the laundry bags in the hallway.  I then took my bags to the car. After doing this I took a stroll around the gardens and photographed some of the flowers. Possible painting projects as next week is water colours - not a strong point of mine but I am going to give it a good go.



I headed back towards the Lodge and went to the dining room for breakfast. I left there just after 8 as my radiotherapy would be at 9:00a.m. I drove myself to the hospital and waited to be called, there was a slight delay so being up and early didn't do much good there after all. Never mind though. Following the radiotherapy, I was hitting the road home for the weekend. Time to stop all this indulgence and spend time with my three men. Next week, all going well, my hubby will be joining me at the Lodge too, so he too can savour this relaxed environment. One that I hope he can just learn to chill and not pace around looking for things to do. Zen like Mode Gerry... you will have to find that Zen switch :)

Have a good weekend everyone and to all family and friends here in Ireland a good, sunny and peaceful bank holiday weekend.