Well, here we are 8 years later and 5 years and 21 days after the passing of my Father, a man you would have all met from my earlier blogs on my journey through cancer. The man who supported me along with my Mum who is also one of my best friends. A man who, at the age of 74 had his first tattoo, a breast cancer ribbon tattooed over his heart. A man who, so desperately said "I wish this was me and not you going through this!" Sadly that wish came true, and on the 1st of May 2018 cancer stole my Father. Yesterday however, 22 May 2023 was the one day that I really, heartrendingly wished that my Dad was here to share in my utmost
joy, the day they told me at St. Vincent's University Hospital in Dublin, that I was now discharged from Oncology.
I was and am so absolutely thankful, happy, emotional and the relief that I feel just cannot be described in words. At the same time, returning home, I sat alone in the sitting room and yes, looked at my Dad's photo, I did see a glimmer of a smile and yes, I burst into tears. Because in all this happiness and relief, I wanted my Dad here to share this moment. I do feel and know that despite me wanting Dad here, that he is watching, he is besides me and he is sharing this moment and will share many more moments with me from the other side. As comforting as that is, as a human being, I want more. I want to laugh with him, hug him and go for a celebratory pint with my old man. But that, naturally is not to be. Knowing that, I now must continue on and going forward continue to make him as proud as I can.
As I have stated, I really cannot describe how I feel. An example that will marginally describe how I feel is this - Imagine that you are getting into your car after walking out of a job you have really detested and endured for many years, working with some of the most unpleasant people in the world, and that you are heading off to take a position in your dream job. Feel that relief, that happiness and that freedom. Feel that happy heart, feel that smile on your face and feel that lovely feeling of pure and utter joy. Feel that feeling of a crippling weight that you have carried for years being lifted from off your shoulders. Well that marginally describes how I feel.
During the past 8 years so much has changed. There has been a lot of loss in my life. My grandmother the year I was given my diagnosis. Not long after my diagnosis my Father's brother passed away, followed shortly after by my Mother in law, then my own Father and then my Mother's Sister. Others who were diagnosed at the same time as myself with the same diagnosis of triple negative breast cancer passed away too. Like everybody who experiences a loss, these all hurt. The deaths of those from cancer though leave a scar. It felt wrong that they had passed, yet I could not let this get me down. I discovered that there is such a thing as survivors guilt. On saying that, I and many others out there, can not let this stop us from being us or stop us from living. The best thing we can do for all those who have passed, particularly if it is family, is to live our best life. To make each day count, because as we know, things can change in a heartbeat or on the toss of a coin.
I know I have changed quite dramatically as a person since my diagnosis of TNBC. My focus was no longer my career, which had been a huge focus, along with being a good mother. I had to change my focus and adjust my target, aiming to return to good health. I still wanted to be the 'good mother' naturally, but one who had to take a temporary back seat while my new focus was to get where I am today, to be as strong as I could and to make sure I made a recovery so that I could still be here for my children and husband as well as for all my extended family. Concentrating on 'getting better', changing my views on some things and trying to remain focused and positive was the order of the day, and that is how it has been for 8 years. Yesterday, I reached that target.
Driving home with this sense of newness and of well-being, the thought quickly sprung into my head, 'Well what do you focus on now?' I felt yesterday, and still do today, that this is almost like being given a new start, a clean sheet, a chance to achieve success in another area, but what is that to be. OK, I still have to cope with diabetes, with arthritis and with the knowledge that more joints may need replacing in the long term, but these are mere blips on the horizon, areas that I will deal with quietly on a daily basis, and blips that I am not, under any circumstances, going to allow to stand in my way.
I have been reading a huge amount, studying esoteric subjects and delving into the world of the likes of tarot, meditation, spiritualism, nature and connecting with everything about nature, from woodland walks, to reforesting, from growing my own crops to foraging, appreciating the beautiful sound of bird song, braving and getting to like spiders, frogs, worms, woodlice and appreciating the actual good they do for us on a daily basis when it comes to looking after the earth. I am the aging hippy, that 'hippy' I was always meant to be. I have embraced me, my interests and my individuality. No longer do I 'surf with the crowd'. Gone is the gregarious, overly loud, party girl. In her place is the 'original' Elaine. The nerd I left behind because I wanted to be 'one of the crowd'. Oh, do not get me wrong, I do still go out for a pint every three or four weeks, I enjoy laughing out loud, I enjoy the odd glass of wine or two, however, embracing my inner nerd, bookworm, 'quieter' me, reinstating old hobbies and interests, such as tarot and art, reading and swimming, taking up planting and growing, baking, foraging and making produce from my foraged foods, has brought me peace, has brought me happiness, has brought me a focus. I am not longer embarrassed to be the bookworm, the 'weird' one with odd ideas, the eccentric one. This is who I always was and who I will always be, I no longer lack the confidence to truly be myself. I no longer people please and I no longer suffer fools gladly.
My aim now is to continue my studies, to develop my cooking skills, to paint more and to get out there and swim in the rivers, waterfalls and the sea, and to one day, one day, if I work and apply myself with the strength, courage, belief and determination as I have over the past 8 years, become the author I have dreamed of becoming.
I hope that the blog that I have kept going for this length of time, finds a use in this world, becomes a source of encouragement, humour and comfort to anyone who may need it. I want to thank every single person who has entered my life and supported me through all of, or for part of, this journey from the bottom of my heart, from those who joined me and stayed, you brave souls, to those who were here and left, for whatever reasons, you all helped me so much and I will forever hold space for you all. I wish all of you, those who follow me on social media, those who read this blog, all my family and all my friends and acquaintances, and those who have nodded or smiled at me in acknowledgement, long, happy, prosperous, healthy lives. May you go out into this world and make your mark on it in a good way, filled with love, kindness, purity of heart and with a determination and strength that will see you through any and all trials and tribulations.
On that note, here ends this blog!
Namaste my friends 🙏
"The Divine within me bows to the same Divine within you.”
