Dad, as I sit here and whisper "I miss you" I believe that somehow you can still hear me!
This addition to my blog has been written in memory of my Father,
Roy Joseph Botfield Snr.
My First Love, My Forever Hero, My Father
12 March 1941 - 1 May 2018
Rest in Peace Dad
Having only posted a blog in March, it is with great sadness that I am blogging once more to reveal how that cursed cancer has knocked on my families door once again. This time it had no mercy.
As you are aware from my previous blog, We, that is, my Husband, two Sons, my Parents and I, returned from an amazing holiday to Bali, Singapore, Bangkok and Vietnam at the end of February. Five weeks after returning from our adventures in Indonesia and the South China Seas, my wonderful father was taken ill. He was admitted into hospital and after a few days was told that there was a lump/shadow/lesion/mass/patch/tumour (They could not decided what it was called at this stage) located at the base of my Dad's brain.
After much deliberation and waiting for news from one specialist or another, they finally agreed that my Father had brain cancer. Unfortunately because of my father's heart, they were unable to do a biopsy so were unaware as to the exact type of brain cancer. They also stated that from the way it was presenting it was a very aggressive cancer.
Six weeks after being admitted into hospital and five weeks after they first spotted this 'thing', on a Saturday morning, the consultant from haematology came into Dad's room in the hospital and spoke to us all. He confirmed that my Dad had Cancer, of which type they did not know, however from the rapid deterioration in my Father's health and well being, it was evident that it was extremely aggressive and was a secondary cancer with the primary more than likely being a lymphoma that had, in all likelihood, attacked his central nervous system. Due to the fact that no biopsy could be carried out and the fact that Dad also had now been diagnosed with triple valve coronary disease both surgery and chemotherapy were ruled out. In fact, there was sadly nothing more that could be done to eradicate this bloody cancer from my Father's body.
We all sat there with my Father in what can only be described as a stunned silence. The consultant asked if we had any questions, and each of us asked something. I asked how long my Father actually had left. We were told anything from three to six months, however if it had attacked Dad's central nervous system, possibly less. Dad, being strong, brave and practical, accepted this news with the words "You Win Some and You Lose Some!"
Daddy died two and a half days later. Very peacefully surrounded by us all. He quietly and peacefully slipped away, and it broke our hearts.
The only consolation that we can take from this, is that my Dad did not linger and suffer, as so many have done before him.
You will have read all about my father in my earlier blogs, how supportive both he, my Mum and my Sister and Brother were of me, along with my husband and children and how they all dropped everything and crossed the Irish Sea to be with me many many times throughout my own battle with cancer.
You will have read about and possibly watched the clip of when my father revealed his tattoo to me... A man who disliked the colour pink, had a complete aversion to tattoos... and who went out and had the breast cancer ribbon tattooed above his heart. I will never forget the words Dad spoke to me that day he revealed his new inking "You have your scars that you have to carry forever Lainey, I will carry this scar with you, I will always carry this with you!" Yes, I did cry... a lot.
This was the sort of man my Dad was. Supportive, not allowing you to be alone in the darkest part of your life. He kept his own council on many things, but when he spoke, we all listened. Dad loved us all dearly and we loved him too. In fact, I don't think a day went by when we spoke or met up that we never told each other that we loved one another. Dad was fair and treated us all equally. He was a loving and supportive husband and very much a protector to my Mum. Basically, Dad was our rock.
One of the last things my Father said to me was as I was leaning over him and placing a kiss on his forehead "I will always be in there with you, always" as he tapped my heart. "... And I will be with you too Daddy, always" That was only about three days before he died. Dad knew things were not good at all, yet I just kept saying things like "Don't be daft, we will have you better and home in no time!" Perhaps it was just because I did not want to believe that I was losing my Dad.
I believe that my Dad truly is here in my heart, he is giving me the strength to type this blog, he gives me the strength to get through the day when in all reality, I just want to remain in my bed and cry. He appears in my thoughts and more often than not it is with a memory of something funny we shared and a smile does appear on my face, and a giggle might escape, but this is rapidly followed by a few quiet tears, as it hits me that those times are now memories and no new times will be shared. I believe that Dad is somehow also giving me the strength to begin to slowly adjust to this new and lonelier way of life.
Grief is so strange, it hits you in tidal waves and knocks the stuffing out of you without warning. You can be fine one second and crying the next. It is a pain that is quite frankly, indescribable. It is a pain that I hope eases in time, I know I won't ever get over the death of my father, neither will it be easier. I will just learn to live with it, and adapt my thought process and emotions to continue on every day. After all, I have to be strong for my own children and husband. I have to be strong for me, and as a family we all have to be strong and supportive of each other. It would also drive my father wild if he knew it was crippling us and stopping us from carrying on.
My friends have been amazing, and have been a strong support. Two of my friends and colleagues actually journeyed over to Wales and attended Dad's funeral. That is something I will forever be grateful for. My friends here in Arklow had a star named after my Father, so whenever I gaze at those skies I will feel him looking down and smiling. Looking at me, shaking his head in wonder saying... "Bloody hell, what is she up to now?" And, he may well ask that, as last weekend I joined 2505 Women strip off and run naked into the Irish Sea to raise money for Children's cancer. I did this in Memory of Dad. My Sister in Law and my two youngest nieces took part in the Run for Life. They ran 5 miles in 39 minutes and did this for both myself and also in memory of Dad. So, from above, Dad is keeping us all very busy to say the least.
My Mother, Sister, Brother, My Brother and Sister in Law, my Husband, my Children, My Nephew and my Nieces will always hold Dad in our hearts. He was a very loved and adored man. Kind, a loyal and honest friend, a man of strong morals and the best Husband, Father, Father in Law and Grandad that any family could ever want. We will always miss you Dad.
Our hearts were broken
When you got the call
God took you home
and it broke us all.
You were our rock
Our protector and our guide
In whatever we succeeded
You always shone with pride.
When cancer came
and rocked our world
You were a huge support
Your superhero status unfurled
You disliked pink
and Tattoos too
Yet a pink breast cancer ribbon
You had inked on you
This pink breast cancer ribbon
Was tattooed across you heart
You said "I will carry my scars with you,
I will always play my part!"
Those were the words you spoke
I will forever them recall
You were always there to catch me
Should I ever start to fall.
That curse'ed cancer,
Yes, it called again
This time it left us
Crying out in pain.
It sneaked back in
Like a thief in the night
It took you Dad
It snuffed out your light.
You carried me
When I wasn't able to
I am so sorry Dad
That I couldn't carry you.
My heart is broken
My tears wont dry
I sit each night
And often cry.
I want to hold you
Oh Dad I do
I struggle to cope with not
Hearing and seeing you.
How do we travel
This lonely road
With a heart so broken
With such a heavy load?
You made me a promise
One I hope you can keep
To be in my heart always
Whether I am awake or asleep.
Give us your strength
Please guide us from above
Help us to always remember
All the fun, joy and love.
For my Dad by Elaine Murphy 1/6/18
I have blogged my way through my journey with cancer. I have shared with you how life changed dramatically for me career wise. I have not only shared the trials and tribulations of this journey, I have also shared the fun, the laughter, the holidays, the adventures and the new paths my life has taken. I have introduced you to my family and friends who have been there and supported me along the way. I wanted to share with you this sudden and unexpected loss in my life as cancer has once again appeared. This time taking my Dad. The man who has been there for us all always.
We miss you so much Dad. Rest in Peace Dad until we meet again.
