Hi there everybody! I have left you all in peace for the past three weeks as I have immersed myself in the life at Oakland Lodge. I have found talents that I didn't really know existed. I have found inner peace and tensions have disappeared, thanks to my relaxation sessions. I have met amazing people who have had me laughing until tears rolled down my face. I have shared these experiences with my Sister, Husband and two sons who generously gave up their time to visit me and spend a couple of nights with me. I have had a scare where I fell and spent a night in hospital fearing I had broken my breast bone (I will expand later). Most of all I have discovered a talent and love for watercolour painting. I have always liked painting, mainly with acrylics, but have never actually produced anything that would be worth putting in a frame. This is all thanks to the wonderful ladies in the activity centre who give the likes of myself and other cancer patients a precious 'haven' of peace, tranquillity and a time where cancer and all the worries that go with it free up your mind in order to concentrate on your latest art project.
Week two/three at the lodge;
The weather this week started to deteriorate slightly. however there were still lots of times where the sun shone brightly. I drove myself to the lodge on Monday and arrived there in time to settle back into my room, grab a sandwich and hop onto the bus to St. Jame's where I have my radiotherapy. I returned that evening and met up with my fellow fighters that evening. Tuesday was going really well, I had a morning out from the lodge with a friend, who took me to St. James for radiotherapy. She later dropped me back to the lodge before heading on her way home. I had gone up to my room, picked up my book and then went and sat on the swing seat reading. The only problem here, is that I am a total bookworm, I can read until the proverbial cows come home, however, since my diagnosis it is quite difficult to remain focused on anything. I find my mind drifting off, thinking about tumour markers, thinking about the what ifs, thinking about statistics and the thinking about cancer. I closed my book as I had to re read the page at least three times. I rang my Sister for a catch up and as I did it started to rain. I slowly made my way back into the lodge. I continued to chat to Diane and went to go up the steps into the front door. My foot caught on the lip of the bottom step. Down I crashed landing heavily across the steps with one of the steps smashing straight across my chest, directly on my mastectomy scars. My head hit the top step luckily it was cushioned by my glasses and my ear and did not end up as a cracked skull. I lay there, I could hear Diane's voice coming down the phone, but I could not speak, I could hardly breath. I could hear a strange noise, a groaning sound, yes, that was me. My iPhone 6S Plus was in bits (Yes priorities... I know lol). Barry, one of the care givers at the lodge was by my side in a split second with a cup of water. He gently helped me up and before I know it had a wheel chair there. Diane was left hanging on the phone wondering what the hell had happened. I was whisked off to the hospital (on the same grounds) and the nurses could not have been kinder. I was struggling to breath and the pain in my chest was acute.
Since this diagnosis, I have had a cry now and again. Mostly at night when I can't sleep and my mind plays havoc, now though I was not just crying after my fall, I was sobbing uncontrollably like a small child. I just could not stop. When I went to speak to answer questions huge sobs wracked my body and speaking became impossible. I felt really stupid. What the heck... Yes I had fallen, Yes it had hurt, but I have had worse falls and worse pain. As Diane said, It was possibly a culmination of everything that has happened over the past 8/9 months. I calmed down, the hospital rang my husband to let him know what had happened and he had called my friend, who was over like a shot to ensure that I was ok. I was to be kept on the ward overnight to ensure that I was ok and an x-ray was booked for the following morning. In the meantime, poor Diane had had an awful fright, she didn't have a clue what was happening so with just over 45 min to spare she rang my brother and he drove her to the port for the overnight sailing from Holyhead. My pal picked her up after midnight and brought her directly to the hospital. I was so happy to have my sister there, although initially when I found out that she had gone to those lengths to get here I was fairly cross with her, however, here she was, my sister and my best friend. Diane sat with me on the ward until about three in the morning. I then told her were to get the key for my room and to go and put her head down for what was left of the night.
I was wide awake fairly early on the next morning. Diane was too and was down to the ward as the sun was raising... yep that early ... lol... It was great having my sister with me. Diane doesn't realise it, but she is an absolute rock. Stronger and more able than she gives herself credit for. So, Diane when you read this blog, I want you to know just how much you are valued, loved and appreciated, even when I'm sounding beleaguered when you are asking me about my temperature... again! ha ha ha - Jimmy takes after you. He is currently organising all my meds.
I was discharged from the ward and I used that time to show Diane around Oakland Lodge, I also took Diane to the art class. At half past one, we were on the bus heading to St. Jame's once again for my radiotherapy. All the staff at all the hospitals that I have had to go to have been fantastic, and St. James' is no different. The Oncology radiologists took Diane into the room and showed her how the machine works and explained radiotherapy to her. She was allowed to remain in the room whilst they prepared me for my next 'nuking'. When Gerry, Joe and Jim visited, they too were shown the room and given a short talk about radiotherapy, how it is administered and what it does. The staff are fantastic at allowing them to go in to have look and the explanation really does put everyone's mind at ease. After radiotherapy, we hopped on the bus back to the lodge and went up to our room. Di was shattered, so I set the alarm and we both shut our eyes for a couple of hours. I will add here, prior to shutting our eyes, I had booked a table in a lovely restaurant for a steak dinner. So sleep, build up energy, and then a lovely meal to look forward to.
Di and I woke up quite refreshed. Di had to help me sit up as the knock I took on the chest hurt me badly when I tried getting up. We got changed and headed into the village of Rathgar to go for the meal. It was not a long walk and the evening was a very pleasant one. We waited at the lights and crossed over to go to the bank. Then crossed another road to go to the restaurant. 'Coman's' was the name of the place we were going. I had booked it on line and received a confirmation email. Lo and behold... Yep.... we are talking 'Murphy's Law' here once again, the bloody place was closed with a note on the door saying 'Closed due to fire damage'... I felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone... "Hold on Sis, I booked it on line and had a confirmation via email, and I'm damned sure that there hasn't been a fire here in the last couple of hours!" The pair of us looked at each other and started laughing... It could only happen to us. We scanned the road through the village and decided to go to 'The 108'. Pub Grub it was so. We went in and were made very welcome. We had their beef burgers and chips. I have to say, it was delicious. I had two glasses of wine while Diane enjoyed her cold drink. We were talking to the barman who informed us that Coman's had been closed for the best part of a year. At 9:00pm an email pinged onto my phone informing me that our booking could not be accepted????? A tad too late! Maybe they should just be removed from the website!
Diane and I headed back to the Lodge after our meal and we settled down for the evening. The following morning we got up and had breakfast together. I had to make the most of today as Diane was due back in work tomorrow so had to go home on the afternoon sailing. She would be leaving the Lodge at 1:30p.m. The same time as my bus would be leaving to go to radiotherapy. A taxi was booked at reception for the afternoon, so making the most of the morning we went off to the art class and then to the relaxation class. In this class you have to be quiet and listen to the instructions with our eyes closed and totally relaxed, until that is, we peep out, see each other peeping and the folks around us and start to giggle. That is it then, we just don't seem to be able to stop. With laughter cramps and tears in our eyes we left the relaxation class and returned to the art room. At 12:00 we headed for lunch together in the canteen. Time was going to by too fast and I wanted my sister to stay and extra night. Naturally this was not possible. All too soon 1:30 arrived along with Diane's taxi so we gave each other hugs and said bye bye. Naturally neither of us had dry eyes and off Diane left for the port. Then my bus arrived taking me off to radiotherapy. I missed my sister terribly already, and I really could have done with her at my side today because all of a sudden I felt really alone.
Diane headed off home and became a hero for all of us. She has this really horrible fear of needles, however after seeing the way blood is used for all sorts of different situations, not just accidents but transfusions for the likes of myself who suffered neutropenia, Diane decided that it was well worth becoming a blood donor and once home, off she went and donated blood. Thank you sis, from all of us who have needed the services from the likes of yourself and many others. Without you and those like you doing this, blood supplies would grow so low and many could and would lose their lives. Blood donating is by far one of the most generous donations anyone can do, after all, you are giving part of you to save someone else.
Friday Morning I headed to St. Jame's Hospital in my car as I would be driving home from radiotherapy for the weekend. I was looking forward to going home as the week had turned out to be both awful and wonderful at the same time. Awful because of the fall that I had, and the pain I was in, great when my Sister arrived, awful when she left again. I was home on Friday before Midday, I had the pleasure of picking up an amazon order from the post office. The slant board I had ordered to put on the dining room table so that I could paint comfortably at home. Gerry was waiting for me at home as it had been raining and he was unable to get to work. We settled down for the afternoon watching a film on TV and also ordering takeaway. I also treated myself to two glasses of Captain Morgan's and coke... lovely.
Saturday morning we spent together looking around Inch Market. It was nice to walk around, but nothing different from what was there the last time we visited it. So we hopped into the car and headed to Carrickmines. We went there with the intention of just looking around, which in all fairness is all we usually do. Today we parked in the parking area underneath Harvey Norman's. We went up the escalator and into the store. "Oh look Gerry they have a sale on the beds. I will just have a look here for a sec and compare the prices to those I have seen in Argos!" Gerry strolled off while I wandered around looking at the different beds. I had spoken to the boys and said that for Christmas, if they didn't know what they wanted, would they like new beds. After all the beds they are in are their first small single pine beds that they had when they first transitioned from cot to bed, and I have to say, they are still in excellent condition. They both thought this was a great idea. So my intention was JUST TO LOOK.... "Yeah Right!" I can hear you all say under your breaths ... and 'Yeah right' it was. I wandered around looking at this bed and that bed. Then I saw a black leather bed with large black headboard. It was very reduced and very tempting. Gerry had joined me at this point and we both looked at the bed "Are you sure this would fit into their rooms?" He asked me. With that stereotypical female eyeball roll and the "Erm... yeeaahhh, I measured it!" with a bit of a snort like laugh Gerry said "Ok... it will fit then!" hmm... did I detect a hint of sarcasm? Anyway, we stood looking at the bed, looking at the price tag and then thinking 'hold on, this doesn't come with a mattress does it!' Bugger! that will push the price up a good bit. We strolled over to look at the mattresses. Little did we know that a sales man had us in his scope and was about to zoom in to do his best, and his best he did, less than half an hour later he had sold two double beds and mattresses that were twice the price of the beds... hello beds, good by a hell of a lot of money. Oh well they were needed and we wouldn't get a deal like we did on these again. We strolled over to Heaton's and I purchased a couple of tops and light trousers to take back to the lodge. We then headed back to the car and set off home. Both of us quiet and in a state of semi shock after the mad and unintended spending spree we just had. "Ah Well!" I sighed. "They needed the beds and now I need to think of something else for Christmas!"
Sunday Afternoon Gerry and I went for lunch in Jack White's. We had a lovely little table for the two of us and sat looking at each other across the table. It was weird being out without the boys as they are always with us, we looked and laughed at the situation. The house was too quiet and the table too small. We certainly felt like a couple of OAPs whose children had flown the nest and we were looking for ways to fill our days, it was a rather depressing feeling and we found we really missed the company of the kids and the laughter they bring with them. We discussed my return to St. Luke's on the Monday and Gerry decided that he would come up on the Wednesday and stay with me until the Friday. That would break the week up nicely for both of us. The following Saturday the boys would be coming home. We also decided that as of this week, we would make the effort to come out each Sunday and have lunch, and to do more together as a family from now on in... I hope that does happen and continues when the boys return.
Monday I set off at 10:00 a.m. I arrived at St Luke's and hour and a half later, collected my key and headed up to my room. I settled myself in and had a bit of a snooze. I headed down for the bus to for radiotherapy at half one. Here we go, back into my routine of radiotherapy treatment. I had my radio and then returned to the Lodge. Once again up to my room where I chilled with my radio on and book in my hand. I must have dozed off at some point because the next thing, I woke wondering where the heck I was, looked at the time and realised that there was only about 15 min before tea was going to stop being served. I went down and sat with Joan, Annette and Paul. It was nice sitting with people I had come to know over the last couple of weeks. I had met both Joan and Annette in the Art classes. Both ladies were accompanying their husbands who both had cancer for the duration of their treatment. We chatted for a good while and decided to meet up there later that evening in the canteen.
I went up and caught up with Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders. I then headed down where I met up with Joan, Annette, Paul, Marie, Eddie, Jim, Hughie and Richard. We had such a laugh. With Jim entertaining us with stories of his errant wind whilst having radiotherapy on his prostate. Yup, he actually had the machine stopped! Powerful posterior you have there Jim. Marie and I hit it off as friend straight away and had such a laugh. It was near midnight when we were all heading up to bed. The one thing I really enjoyed is that most of us in that room had cancer yet you would not know it other than Marie and I were sans hair. With the laughter and support you would not think that any of us had a single worry in the world.
Tuesday I was up like a lark and headed for breakfast. After that I took my book and sat reading in the sitting room. It is so quiet and peaceful in there, nobody else uses it, and it is more like a library than a sitting room. I read for over an hour and then made my way to the activity room for the art sessions. I was called in my Ema who asked if I would do a painting for Christmas. Basically it is to be sent off with those paintings of five other people who were asked and these will make up this years Christmas cards that are sold yearly to raise funds for St. Luke's. I was only too delighted to be asked and started brainstorming immediately. The day went as normal and radiotherapy came and went. That evening I sat up in my room and worked on my idea for a Christmas Card. I was fairly pleased with the result. I chose a more traditional image simply because there were snow scenes and cartoon scenes etc. My sillhoutte of the Three Wise Men was successful. Wednesday started the usual way with the routine of breakfast etc. I was nipping over very early to pick up Gerry who was joining me today, I had told him that I would be there later in the afternoon, but once I woke up I just wanted to fetch him immediately, so I headed off and picked him up from home. He was so surprised to see me. The carpet fitter had just lefts after fitting the carpets very early in the morning both on my stairs and landing and in Jimmy's room. They looked beautiful. Gerry was just tidying up after him. soon we were back in the car and returning to St. Luke's. Gerry came with me for radiotherapy and like Diane was shown the week before Gerry was shown the radiotherapy treatment room too. We had dinner and then went out to the local for a couple of glasses of wine. Gerry and I then met up with the gang for the evening and he too joined in the laughter and fun that we all had each evening. Gerry pointed out that it made him feel so much easier now he knew where I was staying and that it was as welcoming as it was. It made it easier for him now that he could picture where I was and that I was being looked after well. It made going home on Friday and me returning on Monday much easier for him.
Friday morning was a bit of a dash. I had and early radiotherapy session and Gerry and I also had to dash home after radiotherapy today as the beds were being delivered this evening. Thankfully they arrived on time. Gerry and I managed to get them upstairs and we put them together. They looked fantastic. The boy's rooms looked amazing. I know they will just love them.
Gerry and I were awake early on Saturday morning. We had a trip to make later on, our two sons Joe and Jimmy were coming home today. The boys have been over visiting my family and their big sister Amy for a couple of weeks. They have had a great time. Unfortunately whilst they have been away, we have been a pair of old crocks and in the wars with both of us having a fall. Hopefully this is the end of our bad luck health wise. We spent the morning finishing off the boy's rooms. Gerry has kept the house looking lovely whilst I have been in the lodge, so there is no housework to do. We
had everything perfect for the lads before we left the house. We headed off to the port later in the afternoon and picked up Joe and Jim. We picked up a takeaway on the way home. Once we arrived home the first thing both the lads noticed was the new stair carpet. Of course we have the rule here that there are no shoes now on the carpets. The boys dropped their bags in the hallway and the food into the kitchen. They both then took off their shoes to go and look upstairs. They were told rather than make the two trips, take your bags to unpack now. We went up behind them, well their joy at seeing their rooms was amazing. They were truly made up and it made the hard work and money spent on them so well worth it. I have to say, I am rather envious of their rooms, lucky lads indeed. There is only going to be one drawback to this. It is difficult to get them out of bed in the mornings as it is... now it is going to be virtually impossible. We settled in for the evening, and before we knew it off went Jim to his friend Allannah's house. On Sunday it was lunch out at Jack Whites with the boys. It was decided here that next week, the boys would be coming to stay with me in the lodge. Jimmy was coming with me on Monday until Wednesday and on Wednesday Joe would come up and stay until Friday. I was delighted that they had decided to do this as this way they too, like Gerry were getting to see where I was staying and it was helping them know where I was and putting their minds at ease.
We returned home after lunch and I sat at the table and took out my water colour paints. Diane had set me a challenge to paint the flower arrangement she had received from us for her birthday. I set out my paints, the easel and paper. I printed of a photograph of the flowers and began my floral. I was quite pleased with the results.
I think that Diane was too. Now to find a nice frame and then my Sister can have the painting as a reminder of the floral arrangement she had for her birthday. Following this challenge, Diane then felt that it wasn't hard enough... lol... so painting Bronco was next. Here is the result. A friend saw the result of the painting of Bronco on FB. A private message later I was asked to paint a portrait of her husband's two dogs. In return she has kindly offered a payment and donation to St. Luke's of £100. Naturally before any money swaps hands I wanted her to be happy with the result. I forwarded a photograph of the painting and thankfully it is just what the doctor ordered. I have to admit, I am very proud of all three paintings, who knows it could be the start of a new adventure in my life. I took photographs of the paintings and took them with me to the class, I was so chuffed with the reaction from the ladies who run the class and are fantastic in what they do. So having their lovely comments about what I had created really did boost my confidence. I now intend to relax more and enjoy more painting in the future. Naturally these paintings were not all completed on the Sunday. Just the flowers. The two paintings of the dogs were created over the the next fortnight. The freedom and peace of mind that I have gained whilst engrossing myself into creating these pieces has been wonderful. I can truly see why people take up such hobbies. I always enjoyed painting but was hopeless with watercolours. I always used acrylics, now I use both with more confidence than I had before. It is just so sad that it took cancer for me to discover this.
Monday arrived quickly. So at 10:00 am. Young Jimmy Murphy and I set of to St. Luke's. Once again in the routine of checking in, settling in my room, and preparing for radiotherapy. However today I had Jim so it was drop bags in the room and head off to show Jimmy around the Lodge and its grounds. We went off towards the pitch and putt. I hadn't played this since my first week there, so with a couple of putters in hand and golf balls we set off for lots of laughter on 'the green'. Pitch and Putt??? at one point I thought Jim was trying to get his golf ball to hit the first hole in Blainroe Golf Club in Co. Wicklow. We did laugh, then we realised that we had been playing incorrectly the whole time. When I had to hit my ball in from the other side of the walk through arch, we decided it was time to maybe give up and went and sat in the sun on the swing seat. It was refreshing to be laughing and sharing this time with Jimmy. We headed back to the lodge for tea and Jim was introduced to my friends. He soon had everyone thinking (and rightly so) that he was just the bees knees. By the end of the evening he already had two offers of sugar mammies ha ha ha. He enjoyed the laughter we had teaching Jim Shannon to Crochet and then enjoyed a couple of games of pool with him later in the evening.
The following morning we had to be up very early and head off to St. Vincent's Hospital. I was having my final chemotherapy there this morning. It would also be the first time that any of my children would have been there with me for this procedure. Jim was a rock. he was also glad to be there to hear the doctor and nurse tell me that my tumour markers had reduced to 36 since the last time I was there. Which means it is not only now in the realms of 'Normal', but they would also be reducing further after the chemo I was having today. I was very happy indeed as was Jimmy. It was quite an emotional moment and we both hugged each other and had a cry or relief. It was great to have him there with me for this because it also helped to take some of the worry away that he has bravely been carrying for the last nine months. The nurse pulled the curtain around my chemo chair and I held my youngest son tightly as we both cried with relief. He is a very strong young man and keeps a lot in. This was a release valve for both of us. The nurse returned after a while with the chemo and the procedure of administering it began. By quarter to one we were back on the road, heading back to St. Luke's to catch the bus to radiotherapy. We were there just on time to park the car, grab a quick sandwich and hop onto the bus. What a rush of a day. We returned to the lodge where we headed to the dining room for some tea. After eating we headed out to on the woodland walk that surrounds the grounds. We had a lovely walk and spotted squirrels among the huge trees. We found an area of beautiful man made waterfalls and sat there chatting about the day. We spoke of our relief of the news about the tumour markers and the fact that I am now considered to be cancer free. This will be confirmed in three months at my first check up with Mr Gullo and Prof. Crown. It was also explained that I will be seen every three months for the next two years, every six month for the three following years then once a year for the rest of my life.
After our walk Jim and I headed back to our room at the Lodge and relaxed for an hour or two with Jim watching a film on his ipad while I had a nap. Having the chemo and the radiotherapy in one day was very tiring. I woke up at nine and freshened up. We then headed down to the canteen to meet the others where we spent the time laughing once again and Jim having a game of pool with the other Jim. Wednesday morning arrived too quickly and I had to take Jim home and pick up Joe and be back for my afternoon radiotherapy. We headed off early and Joe was there ready to hop into the car. We had just got onto the motorway when I remembered I had to transfer money from the credit union into my bank for the bills. I had to return to Arklow and get this done. Once sorted we were back on the road and racing to get to the hospital on time. I stopped for Joe to pick us both up a subway for our lunch as neither of us had eaten. We ate on the hoof and headed straight for St. Jame's Hospital for the radiotherapy. Following that we returned to St. Luke's. Once again, we dropped off Joe's bag and like I did with Jimmy, I took Joe around the Lodge and the grounds for him to see where I was staying. We went for tea that evening and once again joined the gang. Just like Jimmy, Joe had won over the people he met. He chatted quite animatedly and also enjoyed games of pool against Jim. He took part in the laughter and banter and surprised me immensely as I had told everyone just how quiet Joe was. He was quite at home chatting and laughing. He demonstrated his height by having Marie and Annette stand under his outstretched arms. Once Joe had finished off his game of pool, at one in the morning, we said goodnight and headed back to our room and settled down for the night. Thursday morning Joe surprised me even more by joining in in the art class. I was delighted that he did. Where had my shy, quiet gentle giant gone? In his place was a very adult, socially interacting, gentle giant who was making me very proud indeed. Gone was any awkwardness and in its place was a glowing confidence. I was so happy. Joe and I took part in silk painting. You can see the work we produced here. Joe created the sun and I did the light house. Like all the others I will get these framed and put them up for display. A reminder of my healing time in St. Luke's.
Painting on silk takes a huge amount of steadiness, concentration and patience. The paint can bleed and spread if you have not use the correct agent when drawing your design. As you can see both Joe and I were very steady handed and nothing bled. All colours are bold and in the correct places. Other items I have had the opportunity to make in the are class are a decoupage bowl and mask, I have added these here for you to see.
Friday morning arrived and Joe and I headed off to radiotherapy in the car. We were driving to St. Jame's hospital then from there home. Joe was going to work with his dad that afternoon so it was a stop in Wicklow before heading home.
I arrived home and Jim was there to meet me. He headed out with his friends and I put my head down for a sleep. It had been a busy week having the boys with me but it had been good company that is for sure. However I had decided that next week, I was going to have to myself and rest up as much as I could. This turned out to be a really good idea as the following week turned out to be an utter nightmare.
Saturday and Sunday passed without too much excitement other than I took Jimmy out for a driving lesson whilst Gerry had gone for a pint and to watch the Ireland game. I was going to watch the match but the pub was far too packed, hot and a couple with the sniffles. I was far to worried about getting a bug so left Gerry to enjoy some male bonding time while I returned home. I realised that he had left his phone at home so he would not be able to call for a lift, so I drove Jim down to drop it off at half time. On the way back we stopped at Tesco and I took him to the far end of the car park and swapped seats. In all fairness Jim did really well driving around the car park and following instructions. All he needs is a boost in self confidence and I am sure he will learn to drive fairly quickly. We returned home and not long after received a call to go and pick up Gerry. The weekend flew by, by Sunday evening I was beginning to feel the start of a very dry throat. I expected this after chemo earlier in the week as it had occurred after the first two chemo sessions. I continued to get my goods together ready for my week in St. Luke's. The one thing that I needed to do today was something that has been hanging on since January this year. I needed a clear out of underwear that I will no longer be needing. I suppose this was a way of me totally accepting that this has happened and there is 'Sweet Fanny Adams' that I can do about it. So clear out I did. I put them all into the bin, every last one of theme. It was quick but far from pain free. If the truth be known, I really wanted to sit down and cry, wail, beat my chest in heartbroken agony, but I didn't. I choked back my pain, and businesslike asked Gerry to take this photo. Gone was the 40DD, and necessarily so, they were killing me, and that is what I held onto in the forefront of my mind. It stopped me falling apart. Later that evening we sat and relaxed and in the morning I said bye bye to my three men and headed off to Rathgar.
Monday in St. Luke's I could feel sores starting to raise on the inside of my cheeks and the sides of my tongue. On Tuesday, it felt a lot worse. I attended the art and hardly spoke as the pain was severe. My colleague Mary came over to visit me. We chatted and laughed as best we could with my speech sounding quite awkward as the sores were causing huge discomfort. I could not eat any lunch and swallowed jelly instead. I was now reduced to only being able to drink water and eat jelly, something that makes me wretch at the best of times. Mary and I walked some of the grounds and all too soon she had to leave as I had to go over to radiotherapy. I drove myself over today as I had a later appointment and had I gone in the bus I would have been two hours too early. I felt utterly ill. I had the radio and went to see the nurse who got a prescription made up for me for BMX mouthwash, instilligel, Oramorph mouth wash and an antifungal medication in tablet format. I headed back to St. Luke's where the prescription would be waiting for me. I went strait to my room as socialising was the last thing I felt up to being able to do. I slept from the minute my head hit the bed until the next morning. Oh Lord, on Wednesday the pain was totally unreal and it increased both Thursday and Friday. On each of these days, the only time I came out of my room was to attend radiotherapy and then back to my room where I took as much of the painkillers and mouthwashes hoping they would make me sleep throughout his utter nightmare. Not one morsel of food had been eaten. As I already stated water was the only thing I could swallow. I cannot describe the pain. On Friday I was prescribed more medication. I felt so utterly ill that I was worried about driving home. I had what is called Oral Mucositis. It is created because of me having both chemotherapy and radiotherapy at the same time, it attacks the faster growing cells which are apparently in our mouth. Well attack it did. I had sores all the way down my throat and on every part of the inside of my cheeks, my lips, the roof of my mouth and all around the base of my teeth, underneath my tongue and between my lips and teeth on both my upper and lower jaws. Brushing my teeth was an impossibility. The only relief I had was sleep. One mouthwash felt like it was burning holes in the sores and had me nearly passing out with pain. I got home on the Friday with three large bags of medication, I just stared miserably at it and began to cry. I didn't know what I was supposed to be taking or when. Jimmy came in, looked at the pile of medication, sat down at the computer, typed in the medication, the dosage and tick block so that I could keep track of where I was with it. He was amazing. I was taking everything on time, rinsing my mouth out at every opportunity and then applying Bonjella to all open sores, yes that nearly had my going through the roof but it had to be done. By Monday morning I was speaking more clearly, and I had the first solid food in a week. A small sandwich of peanut butter. everything soft. The throat was still sore and I was not able to swallow easily but I managed. Jim was coming back to the Lodge with me for my last night there.
We drove off to St. Luke's and once again settled into my room. I would only be there for one more night as Tuesday was my 25th and final radiotherapy session. I headed on the bus to St James Hospital for radiotherapy. The nurse wanted to see me first due to the mess I had been in on Friday. She was utterly amazed at how my mouth had cleared up. She revealed here that it was the first time in a very long time that she had seen a case of Oral Mucositis as bad as I had and was concerned that I may need to be hospitalised this week had it not started to clear. Thankfully it had. In it's place was another dose of neutropenia. Luckily this did not come with a temperature, however very low neutrophils of 0.2 I was to return to St Luke's and keep an eye on my temperature. My bloods were to be taken again tomorrow, Tuesday. Jim and I returned to the Lodge. We were aiming for an earlier night tonight as tomorrow would be a busy day. We went and said bye to Annette and Paul who were leaving today and went down for tea. I ate a small amount of food and although easier to eat it was still tearing in my throat. Jim and I sat with the few who remained in our group. Jim had not returned on Monday, Marie, Joan and Annette had all finished. So it was myself Eddie, two Marys, Anne, Richard and Hughie. I was given a lovely card and chocolates to mark my stay and we all said good night. Jim and I fell asleep as soon as our heads were on the pillows. On Tuesday morning we were up and down for breakfast. It was a quiet morning, as we didn't have to dash off anywhere. We went off to the art session where we took part in glass painting and slate painting. It was a relaxing session and Jim like Joe got involved in the session which he too enjoyed immensely. We finished up in the session and presented the girls with a box of chocolates and a thank you card. After all they had provided me with a haven where I could lose myself in creating something for me and took my mind completely off cancer. Jim and I left St. Luke's for the last time. I was in fact quite sad at leaving this haven of peace, safety, support and friendship. We headed off to St. Jame's for my final bout of radiotherapy. On arrival I was called in by the nurse for more bloods. We awaited results and I had to sit in isolation to be called through as the neutropenia had dropped to 0.1. At first I was worried that I was not going to be able to go home, however due to the fact that I am generally well, I have to keep an eye on my temperature and wear a mask. I have to return in two weeks to have my bloods taken and to ensure that my neutrophils have increased. In the meantime I have to take things easy and remain housebound. So not quite free yet.
Some photos from my collection:
Round up:
The radiotherapy has left me with some burn marks especially on my collar bone. I was told to expect it to get worse before it gets better. However I am home and that is what matters. I am now considered cancer free, this will be confirmed at my first check up in three months time. I was told that I am not to get too focused on the tumour markers as they are merely a guide line and indicate the inactivity of cells as opposed to the reduction of cells, so I could still have cells but they are inactive. Rather that than active cells. I am now going to have to learn to live believing that I no longer have cancer. This is the part that is difficult, how do you just 'turn off your mind' after 10 months of non stop treatment, be it chemo, surgery, more chemo or radiotherapy? Yes keep busy, take part in activities that I enjoy, plan ahead and enjoy life. I aim to do all that. I don't want to be running to the doctor with every twinge and ache in the worry that it is cancer making a come back. For this I do think I will need help, I will have to call on the services of the Irish Cancer Society in order to achieve this. I still have pent up anger, fear, hurt and shock at the way cancer has destroyed my body, changed me totally as a person and made me look like a prisoner of war with my bald head and at times sickly looks. I'm disappointed that I don't feel the urge to laugh and dance and scream... "I'm Free!" because I am not. I'm scarred - horrifically scarred, I'm scared and I face a life time of dates at the hospital to keep me on my toes has it or has it not returned? This will pass, the urge to celebrate will happen once I get rid of this bloody annoying neutropenia and once again I hope to find that I want to go out and laugh until I cry. I may have to do this with a new circle of friends, because that is one thing cancer does too, it sorts the wheat from the chaff, and you find out who really are your friends - because not a lot of people can stay around. It is difficult, they don't know what to say, they don't want to be around you in case your luck rubs off on them or there may be other excuses, this isn't just from old pals it is the same with some family too... it might sound harsh and bitter, but sadly it is very true. I have had so much support from neighbours who were virtually strangers, who I may only have shared a nod hello now and again, and made new friends here on the Maples and beyond who have so freely and kindly helped Gerry and I, with offers of lifts, meals cooked, garden mowed, gifts, visits, coffee and new hands of friendship, support from women here who have gone through similar experiences, these are the people who count. Those who were there for me and my family in a time of terrible need. These people along with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephew, my wonderful husband and children I thank you. I will never be able to thank you enough, for those of you who have followed me here and on face book for all your prayers, likes, comments and moral support I thank you. You have listened to me, you have given me a platform from which to vent my anger, share my laughter, share my pain. You who have followed me have kept me going, given me strength to go on and for this again I thank you. I hope that my blog has been of help to others in similar situations. It has been a blog truly from my heart. I have opened my life and shared it with you, warts and all. I hope it has inspired others in fear, or living with illness.
I will post up on FB on my remission dates, however, this is going to be my last blog on my journey through cancer. I have come out at the other side, not unscathed but I am here, I am at my light at the end of my tunnel. I wish you all a wonderful happy and healthy life! Once again - Thank you.
I was wide awake fairly early on the next morning. Diane was too and was down to the ward as the sun was raising... yep that early ... lol... It was great having my sister with me. Diane doesn't realise it, but she is an absolute rock. Stronger and more able than she gives herself credit for. So, Diane when you read this blog, I want you to know just how much you are valued, loved and appreciated, even when I'm sounding beleaguered when you are asking me about my temperature... again! ha ha ha - Jimmy takes after you. He is currently organising all my meds.
I was discharged from the ward and I used that time to show Diane around Oakland Lodge, I also took Diane to the art class. At half past one, we were on the bus heading to St. Jame's once again for my radiotherapy. All the staff at all the hospitals that I have had to go to have been fantastic, and St. James' is no different. The Oncology radiologists took Diane into the room and showed her how the machine works and explained radiotherapy to her. She was allowed to remain in the room whilst they prepared me for my next 'nuking'. When Gerry, Joe and Jim visited, they too were shown the room and given a short talk about radiotherapy, how it is administered and what it does. The staff are fantastic at allowing them to go in to have look and the explanation really does put everyone's mind at ease. After radiotherapy, we hopped on the bus back to the lodge and went up to our room. Di was shattered, so I set the alarm and we both shut our eyes for a couple of hours. I will add here, prior to shutting our eyes, I had booked a table in a lovely restaurant for a steak dinner. So sleep, build up energy, and then a lovely meal to look forward to.
Di and I woke up quite refreshed. Di had to help me sit up as the knock I took on the chest hurt me badly when I tried getting up. We got changed and headed into the village of Rathgar to go for the meal. It was not a long walk and the evening was a very pleasant one. We waited at the lights and crossed over to go to the bank. Then crossed another road to go to the restaurant. 'Coman's' was the name of the place we were going. I had booked it on line and received a confirmation email. Lo and behold... Yep.... we are talking 'Murphy's Law' here once again, the bloody place was closed with a note on the door saying 'Closed due to fire damage'... I felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone... "Hold on Sis, I booked it on line and had a confirmation via email, and I'm damned sure that there hasn't been a fire here in the last couple of hours!" The pair of us looked at each other and started laughing... It could only happen to us. We scanned the road through the village and decided to go to 'The 108'. Pub Grub it was so. We went in and were made very welcome. We had their beef burgers and chips. I have to say, it was delicious. I had two glasses of wine while Diane enjoyed her cold drink. We were talking to the barman who informed us that Coman's had been closed for the best part of a year. At 9:00pm an email pinged onto my phone informing me that our booking could not be accepted????? A tad too late! Maybe they should just be removed from the website!
Diane and I headed back to the Lodge after our meal and we settled down for the evening. The following morning we got up and had breakfast together. I had to make the most of today as Diane was due back in work tomorrow so had to go home on the afternoon sailing. She would be leaving the Lodge at 1:30p.m. The same time as my bus would be leaving to go to radiotherapy. A taxi was booked at reception for the afternoon, so making the most of the morning we went off to the art class and then to the relaxation class. In this class you have to be quiet and listen to the instructions with our eyes closed and totally relaxed, until that is, we peep out, see each other peeping and the folks around us and start to giggle. That is it then, we just don't seem to be able to stop. With laughter cramps and tears in our eyes we left the relaxation class and returned to the art room. At 12:00 we headed for lunch together in the canteen. Time was going to by too fast and I wanted my sister to stay and extra night. Naturally this was not possible. All too soon 1:30 arrived along with Diane's taxi so we gave each other hugs and said bye bye. Naturally neither of us had dry eyes and off Diane left for the port. Then my bus arrived taking me off to radiotherapy. I missed my sister terribly already, and I really could have done with her at my side today because all of a sudden I felt really alone.
Diane headed off home and became a hero for all of us. She has this really horrible fear of needles, however after seeing the way blood is used for all sorts of different situations, not just accidents but transfusions for the likes of myself who suffered neutropenia, Diane decided that it was well worth becoming a blood donor and once home, off she went and donated blood. Thank you sis, from all of us who have needed the services from the likes of yourself and many others. Without you and those like you doing this, blood supplies would grow so low and many could and would lose their lives. Blood donating is by far one of the most generous donations anyone can do, after all, you are giving part of you to save someone else.
Friday Morning I headed to St. Jame's Hospital in my car as I would be driving home from radiotherapy for the weekend. I was looking forward to going home as the week had turned out to be both awful and wonderful at the same time. Awful because of the fall that I had, and the pain I was in, great when my Sister arrived, awful when she left again. I was home on Friday before Midday, I had the pleasure of picking up an amazon order from the post office. The slant board I had ordered to put on the dining room table so that I could paint comfortably at home. Gerry was waiting for me at home as it had been raining and he was unable to get to work. We settled down for the afternoon watching a film on TV and also ordering takeaway. I also treated myself to two glasses of Captain Morgan's and coke... lovely.
Saturday morning we spent together looking around Inch Market. It was nice to walk around, but nothing different from what was there the last time we visited it. So we hopped into the car and headed to Carrickmines. We went there with the intention of just looking around, which in all fairness is all we usually do. Today we parked in the parking area underneath Harvey Norman's. We went up the escalator and into the store. "Oh look Gerry they have a sale on the beds. I will just have a look here for a sec and compare the prices to those I have seen in Argos!" Gerry strolled off while I wandered around looking at the different beds. I had spoken to the boys and said that for Christmas, if they didn't know what they wanted, would they like new beds. After all the beds they are in are their first small single pine beds that they had when they first transitioned from cot to bed, and I have to say, they are still in excellent condition. They both thought this was a great idea. So my intention was JUST TO LOOK.... "Yeah Right!" I can hear you all say under your breaths ... and 'Yeah right' it was. I wandered around looking at this bed and that bed. Then I saw a black leather bed with large black headboard. It was very reduced and very tempting. Gerry had joined me at this point and we both looked at the bed "Are you sure this would fit into their rooms?" He asked me. With that stereotypical female eyeball roll and the "Erm... yeeaahhh, I measured it!" with a bit of a snort like laugh Gerry said "Ok... it will fit then!" hmm... did I detect a hint of sarcasm? Anyway, we stood looking at the bed, looking at the price tag and then thinking 'hold on, this doesn't come with a mattress does it!' Bugger! that will push the price up a good bit. We strolled over to look at the mattresses. Little did we know that a sales man had us in his scope and was about to zoom in to do his best, and his best he did, less than half an hour later he had sold two double beds and mattresses that were twice the price of the beds... hello beds, good by a hell of a lot of money. Oh well they were needed and we wouldn't get a deal like we did on these again. We strolled over to Heaton's and I purchased a couple of tops and light trousers to take back to the lodge. We then headed back to the car and set off home. Both of us quiet and in a state of semi shock after the mad and unintended spending spree we just had. "Ah Well!" I sighed. "They needed the beds and now I need to think of something else for Christmas!"
Sunday Afternoon Gerry and I went for lunch in Jack White's. We had a lovely little table for the two of us and sat looking at each other across the table. It was weird being out without the boys as they are always with us, we looked and laughed at the situation. The house was too quiet and the table too small. We certainly felt like a couple of OAPs whose children had flown the nest and we were looking for ways to fill our days, it was a rather depressing feeling and we found we really missed the company of the kids and the laughter they bring with them. We discussed my return to St. Luke's on the Monday and Gerry decided that he would come up on the Wednesday and stay with me until the Friday. That would break the week up nicely for both of us. The following Saturday the boys would be coming home. We also decided that as of this week, we would make the effort to come out each Sunday and have lunch, and to do more together as a family from now on in... I hope that does happen and continues when the boys return.
Monday I set off at 10:00 a.m. I arrived at St Luke's and hour and a half later, collected my key and headed up to my room. I settled myself in and had a bit of a snooze. I headed down for the bus to for radiotherapy at half one. Here we go, back into my routine of radiotherapy treatment. I had my radio and then returned to the Lodge. Once again up to my room where I chilled with my radio on and book in my hand. I must have dozed off at some point because the next thing, I woke wondering where the heck I was, looked at the time and realised that there was only about 15 min before tea was going to stop being served. I went down and sat with Joan, Annette and Paul. It was nice sitting with people I had come to know over the last couple of weeks. I had met both Joan and Annette in the Art classes. Both ladies were accompanying their husbands who both had cancer for the duration of their treatment. We chatted for a good while and decided to meet up there later that evening in the canteen.I went up and caught up with Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders. I then headed down where I met up with Joan, Annette, Paul, Marie, Eddie, Jim, Hughie and Richard. We had such a laugh. With Jim entertaining us with stories of his errant wind whilst having radiotherapy on his prostate. Yup, he actually had the machine stopped! Powerful posterior you have there Jim. Marie and I hit it off as friend straight away and had such a laugh. It was near midnight when we were all heading up to bed. The one thing I really enjoyed is that most of us in that room had cancer yet you would not know it other than Marie and I were sans hair. With the laughter and support you would not think that any of us had a single worry in the world.
Tuesday I was up like a lark and headed for breakfast. After that I took my book and sat reading in the sitting room. It is so quiet and peaceful in there, nobody else uses it, and it is more like a library than a sitting room. I read for over an hour and then made my way to the activity room for the art sessions. I was called in my Ema who asked if I would do a painting for Christmas. Basically it is to be sent off with those paintings of five other people who were asked and these will make up this years Christmas cards that are sold yearly to raise funds for St. Luke's. I was only too delighted to be asked and started brainstorming immediately. The day went as normal and radiotherapy came and went. That evening I sat up in my room and worked on my idea for a Christmas Card. I was fairly pleased with the result. I chose a more traditional image simply because there were snow scenes and cartoon scenes etc. My sillhoutte of the Three Wise Men was successful. Wednesday started the usual way with the routine of breakfast etc. I was nipping over very early to pick up Gerry who was joining me today, I had told him that I would be there later in the afternoon, but once I woke up I just wanted to fetch him immediately, so I headed off and picked him up from home. He was so surprised to see me. The carpet fitter had just lefts after fitting the carpets very early in the morning both on my stairs and landing and in Jimmy's room. They looked beautiful. Gerry was just tidying up after him. soon we were back in the car and returning to St. Luke's. Gerry came with me for radiotherapy and like Diane was shown the week before Gerry was shown the radiotherapy treatment room too. We had dinner and then went out to the local for a couple of glasses of wine. Gerry and I then met up with the gang for the evening and he too joined in the laughter and fun that we all had each evening. Gerry pointed out that it made him feel so much easier now he knew where I was staying and that it was as welcoming as it was. It made it easier for him now that he could picture where I was and that I was being looked after well. It made going home on Friday and me returning on Monday much easier for him.Friday morning was a bit of a dash. I had and early radiotherapy session and Gerry and I also had to dash home after radiotherapy today as the beds were being delivered this evening. Thankfully they arrived on time. Gerry and I managed to get them upstairs and we put them together. They looked fantastic. The boy's rooms looked amazing. I know they will just love them.
Gerry and I were awake early on Saturday morning. We had a trip to make later on, our two sons Joe and Jimmy were coming home today. The boys have been over visiting my family and their big sister Amy for a couple of weeks. They have had a great time. Unfortunately whilst they have been away, we have been a pair of old crocks and in the wars with both of us having a fall. Hopefully this is the end of our bad luck health wise. We spent the morning finishing off the boy's rooms. Gerry has kept the house looking lovely whilst I have been in the lodge, so there is no housework to do. We
had everything perfect for the lads before we left the house. We headed off to the port later in the afternoon and picked up Joe and Jim. We picked up a takeaway on the way home. Once we arrived home the first thing both the lads noticed was the new stair carpet. Of course we have the rule here that there are no shoes now on the carpets. The boys dropped their bags in the hallway and the food into the kitchen. They both then took off their shoes to go and look upstairs. They were told rather than make the two trips, take your bags to unpack now. We went up behind them, well their joy at seeing their rooms was amazing. They were truly made up and it made the hard work and money spent on them so well worth it. I have to say, I am rather envious of their rooms, lucky lads indeed. There is only going to be one drawback to this. It is difficult to get them out of bed in the mornings as it is... now it is going to be virtually impossible. We settled in for the evening, and before we knew it off went Jim to his friend Allannah's house. On Sunday it was lunch out at Jack Whites with the boys. It was decided here that next week, the boys would be coming to stay with me in the lodge. Jimmy was coming with me on Monday until Wednesday and on Wednesday Joe would come up and stay until Friday. I was delighted that they had decided to do this as this way they too, like Gerry were getting to see where I was staying and it was helping them know where I was and putting their minds at ease.We returned home after lunch and I sat at the table and took out my water colour paints. Diane had set me a challenge to paint the flower arrangement she had received from us for her birthday. I set out my paints, the easel and paper. I printed of a photograph of the flowers and began my floral. I was quite pleased with the results.
I think that Diane was too. Now to find a nice frame and then my Sister can have the painting as a reminder of the floral arrangement she had for her birthday. Following this challenge, Diane then felt that it wasn't hard enough... lol... so painting Bronco was next. Here is the result. A friend saw the result of the painting of Bronco on FB. A private message later I was asked to paint a portrait of her husband's two dogs. In return she has kindly offered a payment and donation to St. Luke's of £100. Naturally before any money swaps hands I wanted her to be happy with the result. I forwarded a photograph of the painting and thankfully it is just what the doctor ordered. I have to admit, I am very proud of all three paintings, who knows it could be the start of a new adventure in my life. I took photographs of the paintings and took them with me to the class, I was so chuffed with the reaction from the ladies who run the class and are fantastic in what they do. So having their lovely comments about what I had created really did boost my confidence. I now intend to relax more and enjoy more painting in the future. Naturally these paintings were not all completed on the Sunday. Just the flowers. The two paintings of the dogs were created over the the next fortnight. The freedom and peace of mind that I have gained whilst engrossing myself into creating these pieces has been wonderful. I can truly see why people take up such hobbies. I always enjoyed painting but was hopeless with watercolours. I always used acrylics, now I use both with more confidence than I had before. It is just so sad that it took cancer for me to discover this.
Monday arrived quickly. So at 10:00 am. Young Jimmy Murphy and I set of to St. Luke's. Once again in the routine of checking in, settling in my room, and preparing for radiotherapy. However today I had Jim so it was drop bags in the room and head off to show Jimmy around the Lodge and its grounds. We went off towards the pitch and putt. I hadn't played this since my first week there, so with a couple of putters in hand and golf balls we set off for lots of laughter on 'the green'. Pitch and Putt??? at one point I thought Jim was trying to get his golf ball to hit the first hole in Blainroe Golf Club in Co. Wicklow. We did laugh, then we realised that we had been playing incorrectly the whole time. When I had to hit my ball in from the other side of the walk through arch, we decided it was time to maybe give up and went and sat in the sun on the swing seat. It was refreshing to be laughing and sharing this time with Jimmy. We headed back to the lodge for tea and Jim was introduced to my friends. He soon had everyone thinking (and rightly so) that he was just the bees knees. By the end of the evening he already had two offers of sugar mammies ha ha ha. He enjoyed the laughter we had teaching Jim Shannon to Crochet and then enjoyed a couple of games of pool with him later in the evening.
The following morning we had to be up very early and head off to St. Vincent's Hospital. I was having my final chemotherapy there this morning. It would also be the first time that any of my children would have been there with me for this procedure. Jim was a rock. he was also glad to be there to hear the doctor and nurse tell me that my tumour markers had reduced to 36 since the last time I was there. Which means it is not only now in the realms of 'Normal', but they would also be reducing further after the chemo I was having today. I was very happy indeed as was Jimmy. It was quite an emotional moment and we both hugged each other and had a cry or relief. It was great to have him there with me for this because it also helped to take some of the worry away that he has bravely been carrying for the last nine months. The nurse pulled the curtain around my chemo chair and I held my youngest son tightly as we both cried with relief. He is a very strong young man and keeps a lot in. This was a release valve for both of us. The nurse returned after a while with the chemo and the procedure of administering it began. By quarter to one we were back on the road, heading back to St. Luke's to catch the bus to radiotherapy. We were there just on time to park the car, grab a quick sandwich and hop onto the bus. What a rush of a day. We returned to the lodge where we headed to the dining room for some tea. After eating we headed out to on the woodland walk that surrounds the grounds. We had a lovely walk and spotted squirrels among the huge trees. We found an area of beautiful man made waterfalls and sat there chatting about the day. We spoke of our relief of the news about the tumour markers and the fact that I am now considered to be cancer free. This will be confirmed in three months at my first check up with Mr Gullo and Prof. Crown. It was also explained that I will be seen every three months for the next two years, every six month for the three following years then once a year for the rest of my life.
After our walk Jim and I headed back to our room at the Lodge and relaxed for an hour or two with Jim watching a film on his ipad while I had a nap. Having the chemo and the radiotherapy in one day was very tiring. I woke up at nine and freshened up. We then headed down to the canteen to meet the others where we spent the time laughing once again and Jim having a game of pool with the other Jim. Wednesday morning arrived too quickly and I had to take Jim home and pick up Joe and be back for my afternoon radiotherapy. We headed off early and Joe was there ready to hop into the car. We had just got onto the motorway when I remembered I had to transfer money from the credit union into my bank for the bills. I had to return to Arklow and get this done. Once sorted we were back on the road and racing to get to the hospital on time. I stopped for Joe to pick us both up a subway for our lunch as neither of us had eaten. We ate on the hoof and headed straight for St. Jame's Hospital for the radiotherapy. Following that we returned to St. Luke's. Once again, we dropped off Joe's bag and like I did with Jimmy, I took Joe around the Lodge and the grounds for him to see where I was staying. We went for tea that evening and once again joined the gang. Just like Jimmy, Joe had won over the people he met. He chatted quite animatedly and also enjoyed games of pool against Jim. He took part in the laughter and banter and surprised me immensely as I had told everyone just how quiet Joe was. He was quite at home chatting and laughing. He demonstrated his height by having Marie and Annette stand under his outstretched arms. Once Joe had finished off his game of pool, at one in the morning, we said goodnight and headed back to our room and settled down for the night. Thursday morning Joe surprised me even more by joining in in the art class. I was delighted that he did. Where had my shy, quiet gentle giant gone? In his place was a very adult, socially interacting, gentle giant who was making me very proud indeed. Gone was any awkwardness and in its place was a glowing confidence. I was so happy. Joe and I took part in silk painting. You can see the work we produced here. Joe created the sun and I did the light house. Like all the others I will get these framed and put them up for display. A reminder of my healing time in St. Luke's. |
| Joe's Silk painting |
Painting on silk takes a huge amount of steadiness, concentration and patience. The paint can bleed and spread if you have not use the correct agent when drawing your design. As you can see both Joe and I were very steady handed and nothing bled. All colours are bold and in the correct places. Other items I have had the opportunity to make in the are class are a decoupage bowl and mask, I have added these here for you to see.
Friday morning arrived and Joe and I headed off to radiotherapy in the car. We were driving to St. Jame's hospital then from there home. Joe was going to work with his dad that afternoon so it was a stop in Wicklow before heading home.
I arrived home and Jim was there to meet me. He headed out with his friends and I put my head down for a sleep. It had been a busy week having the boys with me but it had been good company that is for sure. However I had decided that next week, I was going to have to myself and rest up as much as I could. This turned out to be a really good idea as the following week turned out to be an utter nightmare.
Saturday and Sunday passed without too much excitement other than I took Jimmy out for a driving lesson whilst Gerry had gone for a pint and to watch the Ireland game. I was going to watch the match but the pub was far too packed, hot and a couple with the sniffles. I was far to worried about getting a bug so left Gerry to enjoy some male bonding time while I returned home. I realised that he had left his phone at home so he would not be able to call for a lift, so I drove Jim down to drop it off at half time. On the way back we stopped at Tesco and I took him to the far end of the car park and swapped seats. In all fairness Jim did really well driving around the car park and following instructions. All he needs is a boost in self confidence and I am sure he will learn to drive fairly quickly. We returned home and not long after received a call to go and pick up Gerry. The weekend flew by, by Sunday evening I was beginning to feel the start of a very dry throat. I expected this after chemo earlier in the week as it had occurred after the first two chemo sessions. I continued to get my goods together ready for my week in St. Luke's. The one thing that I needed to do today was something that has been hanging on since January this year. I needed a clear out of underwear that I will no longer be needing. I suppose this was a way of me totally accepting that this has happened and there is 'Sweet Fanny Adams' that I can do about it. So clear out I did. I put them all into the bin, every last one of theme. It was quick but far from pain free. If the truth be known, I really wanted to sit down and cry, wail, beat my chest in heartbroken agony, but I didn't. I choked back my pain, and businesslike asked Gerry to take this photo. Gone was the 40DD, and necessarily so, they were killing me, and that is what I held onto in the forefront of my mind. It stopped me falling apart. Later that evening we sat and relaxed and in the morning I said bye bye to my three men and headed off to Rathgar.
Monday in St. Luke's I could feel sores starting to raise on the inside of my cheeks and the sides of my tongue. On Tuesday, it felt a lot worse. I attended the art and hardly spoke as the pain was severe. My colleague Mary came over to visit me. We chatted and laughed as best we could with my speech sounding quite awkward as the sores were causing huge discomfort. I could not eat any lunch and swallowed jelly instead. I was now reduced to only being able to drink water and eat jelly, something that makes me wretch at the best of times. Mary and I walked some of the grounds and all too soon she had to leave as I had to go over to radiotherapy. I drove myself over today as I had a later appointment and had I gone in the bus I would have been two hours too early. I felt utterly ill. I had the radio and went to see the nurse who got a prescription made up for me for BMX mouthwash, instilligel, Oramorph mouth wash and an antifungal medication in tablet format. I headed back to St. Luke's where the prescription would be waiting for me. I went strait to my room as socialising was the last thing I felt up to being able to do. I slept from the minute my head hit the bed until the next morning. Oh Lord, on Wednesday the pain was totally unreal and it increased both Thursday and Friday. On each of these days, the only time I came out of my room was to attend radiotherapy and then back to my room where I took as much of the painkillers and mouthwashes hoping they would make me sleep throughout his utter nightmare. Not one morsel of food had been eaten. As I already stated water was the only thing I could swallow. I cannot describe the pain. On Friday I was prescribed more medication. I felt so utterly ill that I was worried about driving home. I had what is called Oral Mucositis. It is created because of me having both chemotherapy and radiotherapy at the same time, it attacks the faster growing cells which are apparently in our mouth. Well attack it did. I had sores all the way down my throat and on every part of the inside of my cheeks, my lips, the roof of my mouth and all around the base of my teeth, underneath my tongue and between my lips and teeth on both my upper and lower jaws. Brushing my teeth was an impossibility. The only relief I had was sleep. One mouthwash felt like it was burning holes in the sores and had me nearly passing out with pain. I got home on the Friday with three large bags of medication, I just stared miserably at it and began to cry. I didn't know what I was supposed to be taking or when. Jimmy came in, looked at the pile of medication, sat down at the computer, typed in the medication, the dosage and tick block so that I could keep track of where I was with it. He was amazing. I was taking everything on time, rinsing my mouth out at every opportunity and then applying Bonjella to all open sores, yes that nearly had my going through the roof but it had to be done. By Monday morning I was speaking more clearly, and I had the first solid food in a week. A small sandwich of peanut butter. everything soft. The throat was still sore and I was not able to swallow easily but I managed. Jim was coming back to the Lodge with me for my last night there. |
| My slate painting |
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| Jim's Glass Painting |
We drove off to St. Luke's and once again settled into my room. I would only be there for one more night as Tuesday was my 25th and final radiotherapy session. I headed on the bus to St James Hospital for radiotherapy. The nurse wanted to see me first due to the mess I had been in on Friday. She was utterly amazed at how my mouth had cleared up. She revealed here that it was the first time in a very long time that she had seen a case of Oral Mucositis as bad as I had and was concerned that I may need to be hospitalised this week had it not started to clear. Thankfully it had. In it's place was another dose of neutropenia. Luckily this did not come with a temperature, however very low neutrophils of 0.2 I was to return to St Luke's and keep an eye on my temperature. My bloods were to be taken again tomorrow, Tuesday. Jim and I returned to the Lodge. We were aiming for an earlier night tonight as tomorrow would be a busy day. We went and said bye to Annette and Paul who were leaving today and went down for tea. I ate a small amount of food and although easier to eat it was still tearing in my throat. Jim and I sat with the few who remained in our group. Jim had not returned on Monday, Marie, Joan and Annette had all finished. So it was myself Eddie, two Marys, Anne, Richard and Hughie. I was given a lovely card and chocolates to mark my stay and we all said good night. Jim and I fell asleep as soon as our heads were on the pillows. On Tuesday morning we were up and down for breakfast. It was a quiet morning, as we didn't have to dash off anywhere. We went off to the art session where we took part in glass painting and slate painting. It was a relaxing session and Jim like Joe got involved in the session which he too enjoyed immensely. We finished up in the session and presented the girls with a box of chocolates and a thank you card. After all they had provided me with a haven where I could lose myself in creating something for me and took my mind completely off cancer. Jim and I left St. Luke's for the last time. I was in fact quite sad at leaving this haven of peace, safety, support and friendship. We headed off to St. Jame's for my final bout of radiotherapy. On arrival I was called in by the nurse for more bloods. We awaited results and I had to sit in isolation to be called through as the neutropenia had dropped to 0.1. At first I was worried that I was not going to be able to go home, however due to the fact that I am generally well, I have to keep an eye on my temperature and wear a mask. I have to return in two weeks to have my bloods taken and to ensure that my neutrophils have increased. In the meantime I have to take things easy and remain housebound. So not quite free yet.Some photos from my collection:
Round up:
The radiotherapy has left me with some burn marks especially on my collar bone. I was told to expect it to get worse before it gets better. However I am home and that is what matters. I am now considered cancer free, this will be confirmed at my first check up in three months time. I was told that I am not to get too focused on the tumour markers as they are merely a guide line and indicate the inactivity of cells as opposed to the reduction of cells, so I could still have cells but they are inactive. Rather that than active cells. I am now going to have to learn to live believing that I no longer have cancer. This is the part that is difficult, how do you just 'turn off your mind' after 10 months of non stop treatment, be it chemo, surgery, more chemo or radiotherapy? Yes keep busy, take part in activities that I enjoy, plan ahead and enjoy life. I aim to do all that. I don't want to be running to the doctor with every twinge and ache in the worry that it is cancer making a come back. For this I do think I will need help, I will have to call on the services of the Irish Cancer Society in order to achieve this. I still have pent up anger, fear, hurt and shock at the way cancer has destroyed my body, changed me totally as a person and made me look like a prisoner of war with my bald head and at times sickly looks. I'm disappointed that I don't feel the urge to laugh and dance and scream... "I'm Free!" because I am not. I'm scarred - horrifically scarred, I'm scared and I face a life time of dates at the hospital to keep me on my toes has it or has it not returned? This will pass, the urge to celebrate will happen once I get rid of this bloody annoying neutropenia and once again I hope to find that I want to go out and laugh until I cry. I may have to do this with a new circle of friends, because that is one thing cancer does too, it sorts the wheat from the chaff, and you find out who really are your friends - because not a lot of people can stay around. It is difficult, they don't know what to say, they don't want to be around you in case your luck rubs off on them or there may be other excuses, this isn't just from old pals it is the same with some family too... it might sound harsh and bitter, but sadly it is very true. I have had so much support from neighbours who were virtually strangers, who I may only have shared a nod hello now and again, and made new friends here on the Maples and beyond who have so freely and kindly helped Gerry and I, with offers of lifts, meals cooked, garden mowed, gifts, visits, coffee and new hands of friendship, support from women here who have gone through similar experiences, these are the people who count. Those who were there for me and my family in a time of terrible need. These people along with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephew, my wonderful husband and children I thank you. I will never be able to thank you enough, for those of you who have followed me here and on face book for all your prayers, likes, comments and moral support I thank you. You have listened to me, you have given me a platform from which to vent my anger, share my laughter, share my pain. You who have followed me have kept me going, given me strength to go on and for this again I thank you. I hope that my blog has been of help to others in similar situations. It has been a blog truly from my heart. I have opened my life and shared it with you, warts and all. I hope it has inspired others in fear, or living with illness.I will post up on FB on my remission dates, however, this is going to be my last blog on my journey through cancer. I have come out at the other side, not unscathed but I am here, I am at my light at the end of my tunnel. I wish you all a wonderful happy and healthy life! Once again - Thank you.
I AM A FIGHTER AND I AM A SURVIVOR!
