A Catch Up to Check in and Tell You that Life is to be Lived and Loved!
Albeit I have already outlined my life post cancer, this blog is really coming from the angle of how you manage to get into a new routine as opposed to 'what I am currently doing', although that will be touched upon (quite a bit too). I know I have blogged about my journey through cancer, and all the activities I took up, and the wonderful people I had rallying around me. But what happens when treatment stops, Yes I have also covered this in the blog previously, maybe a little flowery and from an 'all is good' stand point, but what do you do when you find that you no longer have folk 'chivying' you along, everyone is back to their routine, life is carrying on for them, but you are still stuck, What do you do and how do you do it? Some of the information on this edition may be repeated or reworded, but this is how I tackled things when life just seemed to have gone and left me behind. When people moved on, when I realised I was no longer the same person that I was before the cancer invaded my life.

So, it has been four years and 11 months since the day I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. You would think, that four years post treatment, I would be more 'over it'. But, sadly that is not how it works. You see, once that cancer gets it's claws into you, you go through treatment, you watch new friend you met along the way die, you then see family and old friends die from it too, you start to think that this curse will never ever actually be 'over'. Oh it is all so easy to say behind folks' back "Ah well, you'd think she'd be back working" or "Ah Sure, she still talks about it!" or "Well is she cured yet or not?" The list goes on. But, once that nasty little scrote, called cancer, knocks on your door, shaking it off, it's aftermath and the aftermath of treatment is not at all easy. Your mind plays tricks with you, every ache and pain, every stiff muscle or niggle in the joints makes you want to run like an Olympian to you GP, Oncology team or for the hills. The aftermath buggers up your head completely. It is as though, overnight, you go from being a very 'sound of mind' character (Well, so you thought ;) ) To being someone who has developed, what can only be described as, a 'cancer paranoia'. Yet although you live in the shadow of cancer on a daily basis, you cannot let it take over, and it could so easily do that. So what do you do. Some folk return to work, others, like myself, do not have much choice and take early retirement. If you are lucky enough to be here and to go back to work then you keep yourself busy with your daily routine. If you are lucky enough to be here take retirement, then you make a new routine. The latter is not at all easy, and it is from this angle that I am coming from today.
So, how do you manage to get yourself into a new routine?
This I must tell you now, is no easy feat. You see, saying you will start a new routine and actually doing it are two very different things. Seeking a new routine is difficult and can be quite soul destroying at times. Here is how I actually tackled this problem, because yes, it really was a problem, and this did not just happen over night, I had very low days where I stayed in bed for the duration of the day feeling very sorry for myself. It was on one of these days where I decided that this was just not good at all. Staying in bed because you are taking a 'duvet' day to chill and read a book or watch a film and nibble on snacks is one thing, but to start staying in bed and not eating or drinking because you do not feel that there is much to get up for is quite another thing and the slippery slope to depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. I had, had a couple of these days in quick succession and it was during one of these moments that I got up to drag myself to the bathroom. Whatever it was that stirred me, I do not know. But rather than just nipping to the loo, I turned on the shower and stood under it for ages - this is rather ironic as it was in the very same shower that I detected the cancer in the first place. I washed my hair and just let the warm water cascade over my head and down my back, and I had a good cry. I gave my face a good scrub and got out. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and thought "Good God Girl, you need to kop the heck on, this is not how you are going to be spending the rest of your life!" and it was there that I told myself that the days of staying in bed were at an end. I was not sick, but I was sick of feeling so low, so alone, so sad and quite frankly scared. But what was I scared of? Yes, of course scared of the Cancer returning, but not being able to get into a routine scared me as I knew, that this sitting in the house doing nothing was not going to be the rest of my life, if that was the case then what was the point of being here at all?
I dried myself and got dressed, stripped the bed and re-made it with fresh bedding, took the bedding down to the wash and then I sat with a pen and paper and started with one of my famous lists. I put a title at the top of the page:
WHAT I CAN DO,
WHAT I WANT TO DO,
HOW I AM GOING TO ACHIEVE THIS,
HOW I AM GOING TO FIT THIS INTO EACH DAY!
You see, I have always had structure. I had always worked and for the previous 17 years that I had lived in Ireland I had taught in the same school. I had gone on to gain my Post Graduate in ASD and moved into special ed. I had taught children in a class for children with Autism for the last 10 years of my teaching career. It all required a strict routine, it required organisation, it required thinking on your feet at times as no two days are the same in this type of classroom, it required patience and it required interacting and relying on colleagues (three who I will mention here as they played a huge role in helping me run the class on a daily basis and they were Gay G, Elaine C, and Maureen C. These ladies were my right hand women for a number of years and no amount of thanks will ever be enough for the support they gave me). You see together, we ran that class like clockwork, and this I missed so much. I missed the simple act of getting up and actually going to work in the morning, I missed making my lunch in preparation for the day ahead, I missed the interaction with colleagues and friends on a daily basis, I missed doing a full days work and going home tired and ready to flop onto the sofa, I missed having that independence and I certainly missed the fortnightly pay check.
My first task was to start, stopping the 'I miss this...' mentality and start looking at life with the attitude 'I am looking forward to that...' mentality. Again, not at all easy but very doable when you truly want to press the 'reset' button on your life.
I made a list of everything my day currently consisted of and basically that was narrowed down to 'sitting on the sofa and doing sweet F.A!' - No wonder I was slipping into a depression.
I then created a list of what I could do, now during my time in hospital, I had learned to paint and although I did spend some time painting, because I got myself into such a low frame of mind, all that came to a stand still. However I added it to my list anyway. My list went as follows:
What I can do!
- Paint
- Sketch
- Write stories and poetry
- Crochet/Knit
- Read
- Type
- Swim
- Cook
- Crafting
I created a list of:
What I would like to do.
- Travel
- Learn more about myself
- Write a book
- Make a blanket
- Knit myself something
- Learn to relax
- Learn to accept my new life
- Mix with more people (I was becoming something of a recluse)
How I am going to achieve this and fit it all into my day!
I decided to make a realistic goal for myself and that first goal was to learn to accept my new life and learn more about myself. It was the first time as an adult and since the age of 21 that I had not been in either employment or education. As an adult, this 50 something person had had over 29 years of being either a student, employee, Daughter, Sister, Wife, Mum, Aunt, Teacher, Cancer Patient and now I was just Me... but who exactly was or is 'Just Me'?
I decided first and foremost to make up a chart of daily activities, I actually went back to my school teacher tool box and made up a timetable for the day. If you choose to do this, you really do have to ensure that you stick to it, as it is so easy to wake up and say;
"Well, do you know what.... Today I just cannot be arsed!"
If you are in danger of doing that, make sure you have secondary activities to carry out, because at this point (and it happens) you have to push and persevere to keep to your routine.
So ... The latest I was to get out of bed was 8:30 am. Ablutions done and get dressed. Make the bed immediately so that I am not tempted to get back into it.
Do the housework (I am not a lover of housework so the sooner it is done, the sooner it is over)
Have a coffee mid morning, and a biscuit too if the fancy took you. (This was like first break in school)
Spend from around 11 to 1 on your own personal activity, I alternated this daily between painting, reading, crafting, writing, going for a drive out, walks either on the beach or in the woods.
between 1 and half 1 I made myself a small lunch.
Half one I would timetable a different activity to the one I was doing in the morning, I would do this until about three (ish) and then I would stop and have a cuppa, usually a herbal tea.
I would then focus on what was for tea that night and start preparing the food for when my three men arrived home.
But this 'funk' was not lifting as quickly as I hoped it would, and this fact alone was making me feel even more shitty and I did hit that wall where I wondered if it was worth going to the effort I was currently going to or should I just become a couch potato for the rest of my life? At this point in time I was developing the outlook that I had been chucked onto the trash heap, I was no longer any use to anyone. What was the point of painting, knitting, crocheting, writing... FFS who was even going to read this trite???
It was also at this point that I met a lovely lady called Kathleen, who is the mother of a lovely young lady whom my youngest son Jim had asked to escort him to his Debs Ball. Kathleen had also gone through the rigors of cancer and all it's treatments. Kathleen went to meditation. I ended up joining Kathleen at these classes. Kathleen M. Thank you so much, as I have not looked back ever since.
Meditation classes were so alien to me, the fact that I was lying on a mat on the floor in a room with complete strangers was also way beyond my comfort zone. However, going beyond my comfort zone was about to open up a new world for me. My world, Me, My new life.
Meditation and Me - On the road to discovering exactly who 'Just Me' is!
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Anmchara Studio
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I attended that first meditation class with Kathleen. There were a number of people there ready to begin the session. I really did not know what to expect. In all honesty, I had butterflies and was thinking "OMG, what if I fall asleep and start to snore?" The thought was making me feel the urge to do a U-Turn and head back out of the door, Yes, I am a loud snorer. Then I had images of me not being able to get up off the floor at the end (I have had both hips replaced and have broken my back in the past so lifting myself up off the floor is something of a challenge) I had visions of a crane or hoist of some sort being called for. This was my mind in a semi panic mode, this was not usually my sort of 'thing'. It turned out that my fears were unfounded and I actually had nothing to worry about.
The Lady taking the meditation was Lisa. She made us all feel comfortable and at ease. These meditation sessions were guided meditations. The room was scented with sage and fragrant oils, mats were set out with pillows should you want one and rolls to go underneath your knees should you need the support. Each of us had a blanket too. What I now know to be the Devi Prayer was playing softly in the background, the pure peace and relaxation had me nearly nodding off before Lisa had really uttered a word. Gone was the apprehension and nervousness and in it's place was a rather comforting feeling of peace and tranquility. It was a level of peace that I had not felt for a long time. Lisa had started by having us introduce ourselves to each other before the meditation began, then we got comfortable and off we went. I listened to the words that Lisa was uttering and in an odd way, although I was awake, her voice seemed to sound further away. I was totally 'zenned out'. It was amazing. It felt as though we had only just started and it was time to 'come back into the room'.
I felt, in a sense, a little strange, but strange in a good way. I felt lighter, I felt calm and I felt as though the following week could not come quick enough. I was now looking forward to the next session so much that it totally surprised me. At the end of the session, Lisa told us to look under our mats. She had placed an angel card there and read each of the cards for us. It was at this point that I learned that Lisa was a Medium who also read Angel Cards and I was fascinated.
I had a foray into the Tarot when I was about 18 years of age, but had not heard of Angel cards before. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked Lisa about the cards and Medium-ship. As luck would have it, Lisa was running a beginners course in reading Angel Cards and Introducing us to Mediumship. I, naturally being the shy and retiring type, signed up immediately. I felt myself being drawn to this quite naturally and knew that I may have just found my new niche in life.
I was now attending weekly meditation sessions and also attending weekly Mediumship and Angel Card reading classes. It was something that I was utterly enjoying and something that seemed to be coming to me very naturally indeed. During this time, I had decided to dig out my old Tarot deck. I began to spend my days studying tarot, joining in online classes and learning more about tarot from a historical angle, not just from a divinatory point of view. I started practicing reading tarot for others alongside reading the Angel Cards. Our classes came to and end for the Summer, so while I waited with anticipation for the summer to end and our classes to begin again, I delved further and deeper into Tarot. At the end of the summer, the Mediumship and Angel Card classes resumed. We worked our way through the different course levels and at the end had to perform mediumship readings on people from the general public. This was something that not only blew the people away who came for a reading but the level of accuracy blew me away too. I was so excited to know that the feelings and things that I had felt in the past were real and that this gift had always been there, it just needed someone to shine a light in my direction for me to discover it. For that I have Lisa to thank, had I not joined her classes, I would not be in the seat that I am in now, feeling that this 'new me' is exactly who I was always meant to be.
I have gained a number of certs through a number of different courses that guide you in your knowledge and understanding of Tarot, but to read intuitively, that is something that each person has to work on by themselves. I am not sure that intuitive reading can actually be taught, you can teach the 'mechanical' aspect of tarot such as the given meanings of the cards, the historical background and the role symbolism, numerology, astrology, runes etc play in tarot, but when it comes to intuition that is when you have to listen to you, you have to trust you and you have to know that what you get is genuine. I also feel that my earlier forays into this esoteric world had given me a good foundation on which to build and build I did. In just under 5 years I am now a member of the America Tarot Association and have worked hard on bringing my tarot up to scratch. I have my own YouTube channel on which I review different card decks, I have my own Tarot reading Facebook page where I carry out card readings from Angel, Oracle and Tarot decks. I am also the proud owner of approximately 200 different decks too. This is something that I have had to work hard on, it has been a long process and one that I do feel will be a life time of learning to come, there is always something new to learn or something different to add to a reading.
Getting to this stage has been a little bit like setting up your new routine, you have to want to do it, you have to need to do it and you have to trust that things will not always 'be like this' when you are in that negative place. Know that once you have set out a plan, given yourself a new target to aim for and strategies as to how you are going to achieve this target, you begin to slip into the new routine.
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Lisa and Michelle
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Now, about the other items I had on my 'What I would like to do' list. Well I have visited every county in Ireland and am now starting going around for a second time, going off to visit to all my favorite places. I have a half completed knitted jacket (admittedly it has been 'half finished' for the past two years), I have the bones of a crocheted blanket I started on , I am on chapter 12 of a book I am hoping to one day complete... and... As for finding me, I think we can chalk that one down to being well on the way to being discovered. I am now looking forward to starting my Level 1 Reiki Course this next week with a an inspirational Lady called Michelle. This will be a whole new chapter and another string to add to this growing bow.
Before I go... Meet the two new loves of my life, Sally and Sammy. They joined our family in October of 2019 and have kept me on my toes ever since. Pets ... who would be without them? I have also added photos of some of my divinatory activities. Until next time people. Stay healthy, happy and as stress free as possible.
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Sally and Sammy
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Using cards, dice and dominoes as divinatory tools
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